Thank you

by QN's number one fan

Nanami Haruka has graduated from the Saotome Academy despite her left eye being blind and her right ear deaf. But she's not all that happy. She doesn't have anyone to be with just because of her physical state, she fears other people, and what's worse is that she has to interact with her so called seniors. But will she come to realize that not all people are the same? Haruka x QN

18. Chapter 18

I AM BACK NYAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

No no I'm just joking. I know you guys aren't happy with this one single chapter because of all those other months without updates. And also, I know you guys are all tired of reading my elongated sorry notes but... anyway...

I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

I'M REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY! TT-TT

Please forgive me... /_; (Though I know you probably can't... huhu... T^T)

I'm pretty sure you don't want to read this one just yet cause you're anticipating another long wait before the next one but... I hope you still have the courage to read... or at least scan the chapter...

But you know... you don't have to. :3

Anyway, I don't want to drag this author's note any longer so... for those who plan on reading...

Enjoy!

And again, I apologize for all those typos, grammatical errors, OOCness, and every other flaw! X( ;)

---

Camus' POV

"This fever really is taking its toll on you." I said in a whispering manner as not to startle her. Somehow, I still wasn't able to fully get over the fact that she just leaped out of her sheets and embraced me all of a sudden. Though even with that, I allowed her to remain where she sat, as she struggled to control the tears that were still overflowing within her eyes. Seeing as she still kept a little distance between her and me, I figured she was trying to stop the tears from getting to my blouse in order for it not to get wet. It was actually quite a good decision, but I knew she wouldn't be able to hold it in for long so I simply pulled up the handkerchief I had in my pocket and gave it to her. Well, I didn't exactly hand it over; I removed the hand covering her face and lightly pressed the piece of cloth onto her most probably swollen eyes. Accepting it, she bowed slightly as a form of thanks.

Once her tears flowed from her eyes to the handkerchief alone, I was assured her worries about getting my clothes wet were nothing more to think about. So, I was alright with her putting a little of her weight on me. I pulled her softly towards me until she was comfortable enough, as I silently listened to her suppressed sobs. And for a moment, I thought about what she had dreamed of, and how it could have made her cry this much. Surely it did not have anything to do with suicide or murder, so I wondered on why she had said those unexpected things like 'I don't want to die.' and 'I don't want to disappear.' My mind drifted away, as my eyes were directed to the wall with a faded pink color.

When sudden movement in between my arms caught my attention, I looked down to see if her tears have subsided a little; if she was okay. She seemed to have made a few centimeters of distance, but her head was still down. Then I noticed her sobs were getting softer, until I couldn't hear any more of them. I took that as a sign that it was alright for me to get a glimpse of her face, and grabbed hold of her chin as I slowly tilted her head up. As our eyes met, I gazed upon them for a little bit; soon noticing that her blinded eye was dark gray, and had a completely different color compared to the other one. Realizing this, I attempted to ask her regarding that when she seemed to have noticed me as well, as her eyes were wide open until she hid them again with her two hands and my handkerchief. I sighed.

"Woman…" I said. "There's no use hiding it anymore, since I've already seen it. Just tell me what happened, and it'll be okay."

Without standing up or so much as moving away like I would normally do, I waited for her response, and also an explanation as to why her eye had suddenly turned gray. This was the first time I have seen such a thing happen. I knew all too well that a mere contact lens wasn't the reason for its sudden change in color, though a part of me wished it was that simple. My guess was that it had something to do with her sickness, and well, if you were to think about it, there couldn't be any other logical explanation. Considering this, I hoped that her situation wasn't as serious as it looked, and that the hospital could still offer a remedy for this strange eye reaction.

Putting down her hands together with the handkerchief, she began fiddling with the properly sewed up fabric. For a while, this was all that she did, until she took a deep breath, and carefully lifted up her head to reveal her mismatched eyes. Focusing on the left one, I blinked; not once, but twice, because of the added spot in the middle of the gray eye. I could have sworn that the white circle with black lining there wasn't where it is now the last time I caught view of that specific area. I crossed my eyebrows, until later I ended up raising one of them. Apparently tensed at the look I gave her, she swallowed her own anxiety.

"I-if you're wondering about my left eye, p-please don't worry. It's as I expected it to be." She stated out of the blue. I figured she was already fully aware of her left eye crisis, seeing her reaction from just a while ago, but I never thought she was actually expecting her eye to turn gray just like it did. I was taken aback.

"Meaning to say this is… normal?"

She shook her head, replying, "Well, not exactly. I… I mean, it happens, b-but… not very often. I try to avoid it as much as I can."

"Well… how does this happen exactly? Does it have something to do with your natural-born sickness? Or is it your fever?" I asked. I needed to know everything about this, because as of now, I was the only one responsible. And if this ends up being serious then my plan was with no doubt to bring her to the hospital immediately. Even if this didn't seem like much of a big deal for her, this wasn't anything usual for me, nor would it be for anyone who didn't know the real explanation behind it. Of course, the only way I was going to get that was to ask her.

"Well… neither of the things you mentioned i-is the reason for thi—…"

She was just about to reveal to me why her left eye had seemingly lost its original color when she was cut off by her own coughs. She wasn't getting any better, and I had to decide whether to set aside this matter first or to go on ahead with discussing this in order for me to know if I should take her to see a doctor or not. Though both had to be prioritized, and I couldn't just let her use energy for explaining when she didn't even have any left. So, I decided to let her eat while I go on with listening to her explanations not only about her eye, but on other things as well. And by those other things, I mean her and Mikaze's sudden disappearances just the night before.

"Alright, alright, calm down." I whispered, patting her back gently as her coughs began to stop. "I'll have you eat lunch first. You'll need something to fill your stomach before taking your medicine. Let me heat it up." I said, leaving her bedside as I stood up and made my way across the room. I was just about close enough from the door turn the knob when a thought suddenly entered my mind.

'Hmm… it's probably best not to leave her alone again, because if I do, she might end up having bad thoughts again. The stress might just make her eye even worse.'

Leaving her alone just like the last time had me risking much of my time and her effort to get better, and made her situation even worse than it was before. And if I went on ahead with her here, with nothing to do but wait for another ten minutes or so, she may begin to think of or recall whatever unpleasant things she had in her mind a while back. So, having concluded my decision to take her with me to the kitchen, I faced her again and went back a few steps before asking, "By the way, can you walk?" She sniffed, and eyed at me blankly for a second before she hurriedly tried to get a hold of her senses. Then she responded with a nod, as she said, "Um… I think so. Let me try standi— wah!"

And there you have it. She fell.

As her legs went on with betraying her before she could even get the hang of it, I caught her in my arms before her head hit the floor. And heaving a little sigh, my brows furrowed as my eyes shut for a bit. I knew this woman, and understood after a few days of being with her that she causes trouble by trying not to cause trouble. She pushes herself just for the sake of others, despite the clear fact that the only person she should be worrying about is herself.

"I'm sorry, Camus-senpai; I really am. I'm sorry for putting on you so many burdens, and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be of any help in removing that burden. I know that I should be the one responsible for my own recovery, yet here I am, relying on you all too much. And because of me, you weren't even able to take the day off. Because of me… y-you had to do so much. I— …"

"Enough. That's enough. It's alright." I said, cutting off that last sentence, for I knew what it was going to be. "I didn't have much planned for today anyway, so apologizing once or twice is enough for you to earn forgiveness from me. Also, you know very well that you can't recover on your own. You don't have the strength to cook for yourself, or fetch some medicine from the pharmacy. You don't even have the strength to walk."

Pausing, I straightened her up for me to look at her, as she tried to handle some of her weight despite having the inability to. And for the first time, she actually looked into my eyes distinctively without looking away, as she made a few casual sniffs while tightly gripping both sleeves of my blouse to support her. We stayed like that for a few more seconds, and before I knew it, a tear escaped from her right eye; the orange-colored one. Although, she didn't seem to realize that, so asked her instead.

"Why are you crying?"

Eyes widened, she blinked, as she tried to stop the other tear from getting away. As she was, her look towards me never wavered. It was like something in my eyes hypnotized her, and stopped her from making any sudden movements. It was like she could see something I could never see, even if I looked into them myself. I then became curious as to why this was so, and planned to catch her attention when she decided to go ahead with answering my previously asked question instead.

"I don't know why, but somehow, I feel sad when I look into your eyes. At the first glance I made, all I could sense was a cold and stiff kind of feeling. But as I took time to really look at them, they begin to seem gentle, and soft. They look like crystals that have an eternal glow in them. And when that point in time came that I was able to see your eyes from a whole new different perspective, I could remember everyone else, and how they all had the exact same looks on their faces, every time I wasn't in my best shape or every time they would help me."

Then finally, she looked away and made her head bow down, only for her to stare at me once again as she finished her last few sentences. Normally I would be bothered with this, although I guess this situation was simply different from all others, and so was this woman before me. She was by far, the only person I've met who was brave enough to look someone in the eye, and tell him the reason for her vulnerability. I for one knew that it wasn't a simple task to tell someone the reason for crying, nor was it easy to admit the act itself. This was why I allowed her to take the time she wanted, and say whatever she needed to, in order make it clear for me, the exact reason why she had suddenly shed a tear just a minute ago.

"I guess… that's why a tear fell from my eye all of a sudden. I remembered all of the burdens you have because of me, and the burdens the rest of my seniors had and still have for my sake. And when I did, I immediately felt guilty for all that I've done; being weak, useless, and unworthy of many things, even breathing. I breathe the same air as all of you do so… I'm not worthy of that either. Not after all the trouble I've caused."

'Hm… I knew it. I knew she would end up saying something about 'burdens' and 'worthiness'.'I thought, as a sigh was ready to escape my mouth. Though, I decided to hold it in just so that she wouldn't feel more conscious than she already was.

"Uhuh… well, if that's how you feel…" I answered, putting an arm behind her legs and another behind her back, as I lifted her up. And despite the fever, this was still something I figured she couldn't handle, as she began to blush and widen her eyes as she was confused with whether to look at me or not. Letting out a light chuckle, I continued to where I left last. "… then I guess you shouldn't be here."

Looking down, she mumbled, "I know…" Probably she thought that that was the end of what I had to say. But really, it wasn't. I have yet to make my point. I just wanted to tease her a little bit, just to lighten up the mood. She had been bothered for quite some time. It was only necessary that she experience something pleasant for once.

"But since you are here, then that means you have potential. And since you do, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You may not be better than others, and you may not be the most professional of people, but you don't have to be the best to be at your best. Just continue on with whatever you're doing with confidence and determination, and you'll be fine. You'll have nothing to hide, and nothing to fear, because you know that you are the best at what you do, and are not like other selfish people out there. Give credit to yourself for once, alright?"

Surprised at my choice of words, she gazed at me speechless, as she didn't seem to believe that I meant every word I said. A light blush then appeared across her cheeks, making her slap her face with two hands at the same time because of how embarrassed she thought she looked. And with her eyes hidden, she said, "Thank you… Camus-senpai. I… I appreciate your words very much, a-and I'll make sure to remember them!"

Allowing our eyes to meet once again, she eyed me with persistence, as she took my words seriously at a very astonishing level. Somehow, I was proud that she did, because then I knew that from now on I will be able to trust her in handling herself more carefully. This time, for sure she would be less anxious with herself, and will be able to do things without ever doubting her decisions and actions. And even if she were to, it wouldn't be this bad anymore. I was also hoping that she would try to understand that not every little thing was her fault; that getting sick or accidentally tripping were things that just couldn't be helped sometimes.

I smiled at her without hiding it or denying the fact that I did so, because I have realized now that there were more things in life to be happy about than just self contentment. There are really some days where I just have to forget about myself for once and think of somebody else for a change. And most probably, that person is, and will always be the woman here in my arms at this very moment.

'Hopefully I'll remember not to scare her so much anymore.'I thought, my eyes locked onto her mismatched ones. A few moments after, I noticed the way she looked at me, and how shocked her face looked. I asked her why without letting out any words by the means of crossing my eyebrows, then raising one. Responding, she pointed at me, then to her lips, then back at me, then to her lips where she made a "smiley" with her fingers. I sighed, while remaining amused as to how awfully innocent this woman could get.

"You know, just because I didn't say anything to relay a message, doesn't mean you have to do the same thing." I said. About half a minute has passed, and she still wasn't able to properly reply. She simply looked frozen again, similar to the look she gave me a few minutes ago. Tired of waiting, I cleared my throat in order to catch her attention. Thankfully, it worked, and hastily began struggling putting herself back into her senses. There, she was finally able to express what she feels through words this time.

"I'm sorry Camus-senpai. I didn't mean to stare at you again like that. I was just a bit surprised with your… your smile."

Pausing, she began playing with her fingers, as her eyes had a hard time focusing on one place; her blush deepening in shade. Her face used to be light pink, but now, it was dark red. Because of that, I was confused about whether that redness on her face was really from all that embarrassment she felt or from the fever she had. I was even beginning to think that the cause could be both of those things.

Eyes still glued on the fact that her face was literally red, I was suddenly caught off-guard when she continued what she was saying earlier out of the blue.

"It's just that… well, this isn't exactly the first time I've seen you smile, but this particular smile you showed me just a while ago was… was different. It was as if you weren't… you. Your smile was so gentle and comforting, like that of an angel's. If you ended up keeping that smile up a bit longer, I would have been blinded by it already because of how beautiful you looked."

With my eyes never leaving her figure, I stared, my eyes widened. Now I admit, what she said to me just now was one of the most unexpected things I could imagine a person ever saying to me. Not even fans described me in that way. I mean, an angel? I looked like an angel… Shocking, just shocking, because never in my life have I thought of myself as angelic, nor did I ever attempt to mimic that kind of aura around fans. Although, I didn't take it as an insult or anything, I just simply found her complement quite difficult to comprehend. Having said that, I looked at her in question, as I asked, "Hm… are you sure what you're seeing is the actual me before you this very moment? Because, the way you describe me isn't exactly supposed to fit how I really look. No one has ever really seen me in such a way before. That's usually how other people or fans describe Mikaze, or sometimes Kotobuki, but never me, or that Kurosaki either."

Bewildered, her eyes directed themselves to me, then down to where both her hands were clasped together. And as she thought, she began scanning almost half of her view, until she came to a stop at what looked like the view below her bed. From there, she slowly turned her head towards me, then back down. And for a moment, she began to realize something, which was probably the fact that I was still at the same spot I was exactly 10 minutes ago, with her in my arms the whole time. It sounds silly, but I didn't mind. I actually forgot all about it until recently. She wasn't heavy, so carrying her in my arms was like carrying two normal-sized pillows.

Pretending to not have a clue on what she was wondering about, I said, "What? What's wrong? Have you… figured something out?"

"Um… well… Senpai, you see… you're still carrying me." She replied, eyes stuck to the ground as she spoke.

"I know. Don't worry, I won't drop you. I'm still aware of the fact that a human being is in my arms at this very moment. Why?" I said, a playful smirk making its way across my face. I knew from the first day we met that she would be easy to goof around with, though I never knew she would be this much of an airhead. All this time, we were just talking while I still had her elevated from the ground, and she only remembered now? Hilarious! Of course, I wasn't making fun of her. Though I had to admit, teasing her was quite enjoyable.

'So… this is how 'cute' looks like in the flesh, huh? Well, I must say, this woman is undeniably adorable.'I thought. And for a second there, I went back to my own said words and had to recall if I really had thought of them or not. This… sensation I had was quite unfamiliar, because this was the first time such a person has appeared into my life. I wasn't used to it yet, though I guess that I better expect more of these rare reactions from this woman not far from now. And to be honest, I sort of like seeing her, and how she reacts differently to these small things compared to how other people do. Regardless of its simplicity, she doesn't mind expressing herself in these exaggerated ways specifically because she isn't even aware of how little meaning they have. I was so amused, that a laughed almost escaped me. And the next way she responded only made things worse.

"E-Ehhhh?! Ca-Camus-senpai…" she exclaimed, as she began to get a tad bit worried. I, on the other hand, didn't mind keeping her here in my arms for a little while longer. Though of course, I had to give her food sometime, so I planned to take her straight to the kitchen a few more minutes after this.

"Alright, alright calm down. I was only joking." I stated, causing her to settle a bit; her full attention on me yet again. She even had this 'curious look' on her face too. This time, I really had no clue why. This woman wondered about many things, considering the fact that she didn't know much either. But I was sure I hadn't said anything too confusing, so instead, I was the one confused, and returned to her the look she gave me.

Blinking once, she said, "Camus-senpai…"

"Hm?"

"I… I never knew you could make jokes."

Narrowing my two eyes, I replied, "What is that supposed to mean?" I wasn't exactly offended, nor did I take that as an insult. She did have a point though. I was never really fond of clowning around, or acting the least bit foolish, but since this wasn't my everyday routine, I simply thought a change in attitude wouldn't do any harm, even if it was just a little bit. The only reason why I replied to her something that was contrary to my thoughts was because I could sense that she was giving me a little payback.

'Hm… so this woman knows how to tease people too, huh? How unexpected…'

"Well… it's just that, you don't really seem like the type to joke around. Also, your joke…" she answered, creating a sudden silence at mid-sentence as her frown turned into a barely concealed grin. She struggled to let words come out, although for some reason, she just couldn't go direct to the point.

"What? What about my 'joke'?" I uttered; slight impatience present in my tone. And as if on cue, she giggled for a reason I couldn't understand. Usually, she wouldn't even dare laugh at me but this time, I guess was different due to her sickness. She probably isn't even aware of what she's doing. She might not remember it either.

'What is with this woman?'

"I'm sorry Camus-senpai. What I meant to say was that your joke… your joke didn't even sound like one, which actually makes it seem a little funny." She responded, mumbling her words quickly as she could not hold in her laughs any longer. I was honestly lucky that she was so busy giggling and trying to stop her laughs from coming out, because if she had seen me smile at her for the second time today, then she might be caught in awe for another ten minutes yet again.

But seeing her like this somehow made me feel a little more lighthearted, because of how refreshing her smile looked. It only seemed like a minute ago when she was crying and trembling in fear for a reason I have yet to know. And the more I thought about it, the more I looked at how happy she was now. It made me even think of just letting all that slide instead. I figured that if I made her remember those things again, she would just go back to being quiet and depressed. And obviously, I didn't want that, not after all that I've done just to make her feel better. If I were to make her feel worse than before, then that would defeat the purpose of me being here.

I didn't know what to do. I was troubling over whether to bring up that happening yet again or not. I knew, for a fact that if I did, then it would just bring her pain and sadness. Though on the brighter side, I'll be able to know what was bothering her, and may be able to help her. But I also knew doing that wasn't going to be easy. We weren't exactly the 'closest' of people, and I wasn't good with giving people advice regarding emotional problems in the first place. That's why it was hard to make a decision. I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't want to let her get hurt in the future either.

On the other hand, if I decide to forget about that instead, then most probably I'll end up doing what she wants me to do: to ignore what just happened and think of it as nothing important. She hasn't told me that yet, although I was sure if I were to ask her to make a choice, then she would pick the latter, which was to forget. If I went with that, then I may be able to make her feel a little better all throughout the day. But on the downside, she may recall those thoughts or memories and become troubled again. That might be the time for regretting as well, since this was going to be a decision I may as well remember and regret later on.

'What am I supposed to do? Think of what's before me, or what's in store for not only me, but her?'

As I mused upon this sudden problem of mine, I failed to catch sight of the woman and the face she had on. I was so concentrated with this minor debate I had with myself that I even forgot about my highest priority for the day. And though I was focused on her, I wasn't exactly in my most alert state at the moment. My eyes gazed upon her, but were seeing other things. Well, not exactly things, but words.I always had this habit of literally visualizing every choice and possible plan I had. This was to make me remember my ideas easier. And after what seemed like a short one minute of my so-called 'visualizing', I felt a light tap on the center of my chest, which immediately caught my attention as my vision went back to seeing her face. Judging from how she looked, I seemed to have worried her.

"Senpai… are you okay?" she asked, her head tilting a bit to the left. From how I saw her that very moment, she seemed so cheerful and innocent. Because of that, it only made it harder for me to see her in pain again like she was the last time. I honestly couldn't understand why I was being so concerned with her so suddenly, nor did I know what triggered my unexpected kindness towards her, but… given these circumstances, being strict with her would only seem even more rash and unreasonable. She was already quite ill, and has most probably experienced a few 'head aching moments' last night. She even had a nightmare. If I were to only make her feel worse with a foul attitude, then her fever would only get worse, and that was the last thing I wanted right now. That would completely defeat the purpose for my presence here. And that, was another thing I didn't want. Also… these past few days, she's been getting better at handling herself and her work. And those small memories I have from everyday together with this moment has made me realize just how significant she really is.

'I suppose I should refrain from over thinking things… especially when planning on doing somehow kind acts towards others. It… it wastes time.'

"A-ah, yes, I'm fine. Why do you ask?" I replied, despite knowing it was a tad bit too late to make what I said believable. Her face had worry written over it, as she nodded slowly, switching her view from me to her hands before her.

"Well… that's because… you were spacing out for a pretty long time, which was why I became worried about whether you were okay or not. But… if you say you're alright, then… I'm relieved!" she exclaimed, a wide smile plastered onto her face. It was one of the brightest smiles I've seen today, and I hoped to see more of those smiles from her in the future. Though right now, I was sure that I wasn't going to see another one during the next few minutes, or even more than that probably. Even with that in mind, I tried my best to return the kind gesture.

"Now then, let's take you to the dining table so you can eat and drink your medicine afterwards. One can't recover with an empty stomach you know." I stated, as I began making my way to the kitchen where the dining table was also located. On my way there, I became more and more restless, as I argued with myself about whether it really is a good idea to ask her about something she would most likely prefer to keep to herself instead. But, knowing that spacing out would only worry her, I shrugged all that away… for now. Thankfully, her voice pulled me out of my thoughts, as she asked me yet another question.

"Senpai…" she started. "How come you went through all this trouble just to bring me to the kitchen? I mean, I could have walked on my own if your arms were beginning to grow numb…"

Somehow, I was expecting this kind of reaction coming from her, because no matter how many times I tell her to think about her own welfare, in the end she completely forgets her own state and goes on worrying about others and checking if they're okay before asking herself that very same question. It stresses me out yet impresses me in a way. It's not easy to find a woman who does no t want to be carried or held by me or any other idol these days. All in all, instead of letting out a few complaints for her sake and for her to stop being conscious, my worry for her ends up increasing as she becomes more and more careless of her own being. Of course, I wasn't saying that she had genuine irresponsibility with herself; she just seemed too… too selfless to be considered a human.

"Well…" I mumbled, struggling to pull myself out of my own thoughts once again. "Since I didn't tell you that my arms were becoming numb, that must mean that they really weren't growing numb. So, you didn't have to take that into consideration." I replied, remaining calm and trying not to seem irritated like I usually am. And as her eyes were set straight towards mine, I could easily tell what her next comeback would be, and decided to go ahead and answer that for her before she could even let the words out her mouth.

"And no, don't worry. I'm not exhausted from carrying you for a quite a long time either."

Blinking two times consecutively, she looked down to her hands, then at me, and repeated this about three or four times. She does that quite a lot, which was why I was able to conclude that she does that gesture when she can't or doesn't have anything else to say. I also noticed that after her "glancing session", she would answer to whatever has been said to her with a "But…", as that was all she needed to say for the one speaking to her or in this case, me, to figure out and understand what she really wants to convey.

"But… senpai, you…"

'Hmm. I knew it. She never fails to show one hundred percent concern to people other than herself. And I can only dream of the day she will be able to alter this side she has into something that will benefit her a little more.'

"I'll be fine. I'm not the one who's sick here, you know. So, you don't have to flood your thoughts with me and only me. Take yourself into consideration as well, okay?"

With the sudden blush that appeared across her face, she nodded, as she began to look a bit sad. Asking her what she had on her mind, a placed her down on the chair I had pulled out from the table, making sure she was comfortable with her position. And while waiting for a response… if ever there was one, I turned up the stove and began heating the already cooked Okayu so that she could finally eat. As I stirred the dish in silence, the woman called me out of the blue.

"Camus-senpai…" she said with a weakened voice. Not knowing why she had suddenly lost a big part of her energy, I was urged to look back and see if anything had happened, but couldn't because of the Okayu I was yet to finish heating. Nevertheless, I replied and hoped there was nothing particularly wrong with her.

"Have you… ever experienced seeing any imperfection in you?" she asked.

My eyes grew, as I abruptly stopped the circular movement being done by my right hand, as tilted my head slightly, but couldn't get a good view of her despite that. And for a moment, my brain went blank, as I had no idea of what to answer, or why she even brought up the topic in the first place. So instead, I responded with a neutral statement, which was also a question at the same time.

"That's a… strange topic to ask about. Why?"

"N-no reason. The idea just popped up in my head all of a sudden. I was actually surprised of the words that escaped my mouth as well. That… must've sounded awkward, didn't it? Please… forget it, because now that I think about it, it is quite an offending question to ask you… or anyone, really. No one would want to recall days in their life where they realize how incapable they are of something, or how they lack talent and other things like that."

"Although, seeing Camus-senpai as he is now, I think that he isn't exactly the type to waste time sulking about something he can't do or something he doesn't have, but rather spends his days trying to improve and move forward one step at a time. That's why, I'm sure that even if you know you have imperfections, you're not ashamed because… compared to the things you can do and the things you can't, the capabilities in your life weigh much more in your life than inabilities. And for that, I'm really happy and proud to be an underclassman of yours."

I made no sudden movement as she said each and every word within the paragraph she had just created, which also happened to be her response from my recently said question. If I were to look at it from a completely naïve and careless perspective, then I would say that all that had absolutely nothing to do with any of things that have happened in the day so far. But no, I wasn't foolish enough to think that this was just one of her famous "complement of the day" statements. This had to come from somewhere, and I had an obvious enough guess as to where she got the idea implicated within what would seem to be a high praise towards me. I sighed inwardly, as I clenched my fists at the thought of her in pain despite keeping up that smile of hers. Though as not to make her conscious of my state, I tried acting as natural as possible. So I then placed my attention on finishing up the Okayu instead, before going ahead with what I was supposed to tend to: her sudden comparisons, words of gratitude, the question, and the like.

Pouring the Okayu into the bowl I prepared a while back, I went over to the refrigerator to get an egg. Cracking it over the somehow watery rice, the yolk dropped over the porridge-looking meal perfectly, as it remained at its place at the middle of the lump of rice. Putting it all on top of a tray, I took the food especially meant for the woman sitting and waiting just a few meters from me, without of course forgetting to grab a spoon from the drawer of utensils.

Leaving the tray of food before her, I rested a hand on her head before taking a seat. Figuring that she wouldn't start eating without a proper response coming from me, my eyes narrowed as they made their way down to the light brown shade of the table's surface. There, I took a deep breath, as I went straight to the point without pretending not to know her feelings any longer.

"What you said a few moments ago… there weren't showing signs of pure admiration and gratitude towards me, were they?"

Seemingly confused with the point I had in the question I gave her, she tilted her head. But somehow, there was this look in her eyes that gave out the idea that she knew exactly what I was talking about. Although, it was expected that she wasn't going to open up to me in a blink of an eye. I had to be cautious of what place I was hitting, and also mindful of the words that are to escape out of my mouth. And just when I began to think of a way to somehow get a little bit of the story that will answer many question without a strong impact of force, she decided to leave all the unrelated topics behind and go directly to what I assumed she was trying to hide ever since this morning.

"I… I guess you were referring to the dream I had just this morning, weren't you? Meaning… I really was talking in my sleep, and you really did hear almost every scream I let out in that confusing little world I have within my head."

Pausing for a bit to gather all the bits and pieces she has scattered all around in her mind before speaking, she had several attempts to begin her explanation. But, every time she would inhale before letting out even so much as a word, she would end up exhaling as she looked hesitant to speak up. Basically, she was nervous, and had no idea how to express whatever she had in her mind with just a few words. This for me seemed like a highly sensitive and taboo topic for her, and yet she was trying her best to be honest with me. I was ashamed of myself for having to force this out of her. Well, I wasn't exactly trying to open up the conversation on that just yet but… I guess I was too obvious. I did not intend for any of this to happen immediately, though as insensitive as it seems, I, instead of leaving all the drama first to let her eat in peace, decide to listen and allow her to continue with whatever words she had waiting to be let out yet hesitated to at the same time. It was simply childish.

"I… yes. Apparently I did hear some of the things you were saying as you slept. Having said that, I couldn't help but grow curious as to why you had such a dream."

Serving to her the long awaited meal of the day, she said her thanks, picked up the spoon, and was about to take her first bite when she stopped halfway; dipping the spoon into the bowl as her hand began to lose a bit of its power. She was out of reality yet again.

'She must be overthinking things again. This has always been a bad habit of hers. I should just make her forget I ever said those things and allow her to eat comfortably.' I instructed myself, catching her attention right after the simple idea got to me. Calling out to her not once, but twice, she looked up bewildered, as she had a short delay in her reply. Asking her if there was something wrong, she remained quiet, and didn't answer. Not even any head movement of small gestures. All she did was avoid any eye contact, as she hesitated in letting out another word for the time being. And soon, I became conscious with myself and what I have done to make this sudden change in mood. Wishing for her to just relax so she could eat and take her medicine, I told her to forget about whatever I ended up making her remember, and assured her that she didn't have to mention anything to me if she didn't want to. Concluding that it might make her unnerve a bit if I leave her, I stood up from my seat and told her that I'll be in the living room, and will check on her again after ten minutes. I was just by the door when she stopped me from going out, and stated with a somehow embarrassed voice that she was okay even with my presence here. Alarmed by her words, I thought twice about whether or not I should consider staying despite knowing that I may still cause her discomfort. Sighing, I looked back, before smiling at her.

"Thanks, I appreciate your kindness and consideration very much. But, I know for a fact that you won't be able to focus on eating if I remain here as you finish your meal. I could tell from the look you had just now that you were somehow troubled by the memory of the dream you had, and the words you unwillingly let out in your sleep. So, for you not to be stressed out, you need a little time alone to have your mind at rest and free of pressure. That will only interfere with your recovery, and we wouldn't want that now, would we?" I said, insisting that I leave her to cool her mind for the time being. I was concerned about her health, and of course the woman herself. For that reason, I needed her to be at ease. This will contribute to a more speedy recovery. Her body also needs to be fully rested in order for her to get better, since she is far different from others. Not that it had much to do with her state of being, though it did affect some factors.

Normally, a person that has many weighing on her shoulders, and has experienced many other unrelated happenings, would want to take a break from everything, and would therefore have this part in her that feels happy and grateful for getting sick. Though in her case, coming down with a fever only made her feel worse, as her welfare and health follow. I have only been with her for not too long, but from what I've observed so far, she gets bothered easily. She doesn't like not being able to reach a day's goal, or failing to properly comply to the orders of another. Not that she ever became discouraged enough to give up, but… she always relates everything she has done to "self worth". She looks down on herself, although still tries to push herself to do better either way. And that was what made her so different, her thoughts almost never go together.

Let's say someone doesn't favor his or herself that much, and looks down on oneself. Of course, that would mean that others will end up looking down on him or her too, leading to that certain someone to tell his or her mind that he or she won't be able to accomplish anything big in life, or anything at all. Although there are people who seemingly look down on themselves only in front of others, but end up remaining confident on his or her own.. This is normally the case. One thing always leads to another thing, like lack of confidence does with failure, and failure does with discouragement. And although for her, lack of confidence may lead to failure, failure doesn't actually lead to discouraging herself not to do her best the next time. Many would begin to relinquish one's work after being scolded multiple times for not making good outcomes, since it really does become painful when one's missteps are being dictated to him or her repeatedly one by one, but… I suppose this isn't quite the same case for her.

Take this particular moment for example; despite knowing it herself that she would be better off not taking her meal in the same room I was for various reasons, she still puts my thoughts before her own and insists on making me stay with her, most probably thinking that it may save me some trouble from going from one room then back here. She isn't as selfish as she thinks she is, unlike others who are the complete opposite. I sighed at the sight of seeing her feel guilty as she gave way to me and what I wanted to do. Assuring her, I made a little smile, as I said that there was nothing wrong, and that I was doing this simply because this was what I figured was best for her. After all, I didn't want her to feel conscious of her own thoughts, and the things she'll have to say.

"I'll be in your living room if you need anything. I'll be back with your medicine to check up on you after ten minutes, alright?"

Dazed by my sudden change in attitude, she nodded, as a mix shame and redness was displayed upon her face. Mumbling a small 'thank you', she stood up, then bowed. When she rose, I slightly bowed down my head as well, before going on ahead to the living room, my book in hand. As I approached the entryway to the parlor of her dormitory, I looked at the relatively narrow hallway, as dark brown stripes contrasted to the light shade of brown behind it. Atop the lighter columns were small and simple vertically curved drawings, making the walls enveloping the main entrance plus the door to the living room more elegant-looking. Pointing that out to myself, I was immediately reminded of the owner of this dorm unit, and how she was simple yet elegant as well. She seemed beautiful to me despite the absence of both make-up and jewelry. Not even her clothes were chosen and decided with much time and effort, and yet, she looked better than any of the other women I've encountered. She even appealed to me more than models did. It was quite strange actually, since I was never expecting myself to come across someone like this.

All my life, I have been surrounded by those of royalty, and those who valued their medals and gowns more than their own lives. Of course, being a count, I had learn to respect and get used to those aspects in both me and women, especially since my Queen is just as close to being one of those said women, although not entirely. And now that I'm working with Nanami, I have discovered new and interesting things regarding other attitudes that can be found in a person. There have also been other commoners that are present in my original life as a Count, which was why I had no problem coping up with the simplicity of everyone around me in the idol industry. Though as time passed, I realized that despite one's social status, he or she is still the same with everybody else. Royalty or not, all people have a certain degree of what is known to be selfishness; a trait usually found within all humans alive. Well, supposedly it should be visible within all human beings. But then I stood corrected, when she came into my life.

I used to think that committing a mistake was already an act of selfishness in itself, meaning everybody, including me, are selfish people. Though when the time came, I met her… and that's when I found out…

That I was wrong.

When making a mistake, no one, not even the most savage of criminals, intend or plan on doing that certain action. Nobody ever commits a mistake on purpose because if they did, it wouldn't be considered a mistake anymore. It would be a sin, or simply a wrong doing. This was why people cry after doing something wrong, and did not mean it in the first place. They don't cry out of guilt, but out of being hurt by the people who accuse and scold them for that fault they did not wish to make. And I was one of those fools that ended up hurting another because of such immature words. I acted irrationally, and failed to consider just how painful the words I had blurted out were to someone I just met. If I had known better, than I could have just corrected her in a much more gentle way. But all of that is done now, and cannot be undone for it lies in the past; and it will stay there, remembered or not.

Taking a seat on the room's sofa, I crossed a leg over the other, as I turned my book to the page I had marked with a piece of paper. As I read each paragraph, the words became nothing more than just letters put together to make various sorts of pronunciations, and had no meaning behind them despite their lack of simplicity. I heaved a sigh, and pressed the book shut, leaving it in my hand unfinished. Either way, I couldn't concentrate on it's story any longer because of all that's happened, and the fact that I already knew the events and their sequence only made it seem even more uninteresting.

'I have never felt more restless than I am now.' I thought, grunting at the mild pain that was slowly building up within my head. Until this very moment, I had no idea whether to regret having anything to do with the woman a few steps away from me or to be thankful for having met her because I finally know how it's like to have a bit more humanity. Though I knew I'd rather go for the latter choice, since all of the mental evaluation I've done would have been for nothing if I didn't at least change the course of my train of thought. And besides, all in all, having the woman in my hands for a day doesn't look so much as a thing to complain about any longer.

'Speaking of her… what am I to say once I return? I can't just act like nothing happened.'

'I must confront her. I need to know what's bothering her, and if there's anything I can do to lessen its state in her mind… and probably the heart as well.'

Having thought that, I realized that the idea of talking to her was easier said than done. I had to be conscious with what I'll be saying, and how I say it. Of course, I have to take into account how her own interpretation of my words will be like. I may not be able to get it accurately, but at least I have an idea about her thinking behaviors. She is quite the open book. Although, she thinks so simply, her thoughts are almost too simple to even deem possible of being thought of. Well, at least for her general way of thinking. As for her memories, dreams, past happenings and whatnot… that, I have no idea of.

And that was exactly what I was problematic about.

A topic as personal as this is difficult to talk about with another person; especially if you aren't in a close relationship with that person to begin with. So, why entertain his questions, right? That is how the mentality of someone who's stabilized or strong enough to carry his own weight should be like. If only she could be somewhat more mindful of her decisions for her own sake. But, unfortunately, her mind seems to have the saying "Put others first before you" carved on it. The statement itself doesn't have a bad message, if the interpretation was correct. Though in her case, she seems to be taking things all too far. She never had to forget herself in order to prove to everyone else that she was worthy of this, or could be used for that. She never needed to throw her own wants and needs away just to provide for all others. She was fine even without all that unnecessary effort.

'Although even if I was somehow able to tell her, she probably wouldn't be convinced with it. It wouldn't change her perspective of things; not one bit.'

Scoffing, I thought to myself, 'So this is how it feels to be "lost" huh? Well it isn't very comforting, that's for sure.' And as far as I remember, I've never once felt like how I feel this very moment. This was, again, something quite new to me. I had to think of a way to make this outcome benefit both me and her. I needed to gain knowledge on her recent happenings that affected both her normal day and night schedules and her dreams. The only idea I had in store was that her disappearance for a night had something to do with Mikaze's as well. That was one problem yet to be solved. The other was presented to me just when I was in the middle of having something else occupy my brain. And now, I have to handle both situations, because I had no one to discuss matters with.

Business wise, I would have put all of the woman's dreams and personal activities aside because those have nothing to do with me. All I need from her are her compositions and work accomplishments. Of course, along with that is her punctuality in every schedule and deadline she has. This is how I would have looked at things in order to have less of an headache, but… I realized as my time with her went on that if she won't get better physically and mentally, her daily routines, compositions to polish, and her work that's yet to be done will be disrupted. If that happens, then my future plans as an idol and the rest of QUARTET NIGHT's will be affected as well. I've been telling this to myself, in hopes of having a change of mentality and an increase in compassion for the woman. With this, it'll allow me understand her a bit more. When I do, I will be able to help her gain the necessary amount of confidence. Maybe then she won't have to feel conscious and uneasy around others and when submitting music scores doing the tasks assigned to her. Though as I said, this was easier said than done. I didn't know the exact words I'll have to say to her when I get back with her medicine…

And I was running out of time.

Letting out a sigh, my eyebrows automatically crossed, as I brought a hand up to my nose and pinched its bridge with one finger and thumb. "I cannot believe I, out of all people, am saying this but…

Come what may."

---

And that concludes Thank you's 18th chapter...

I know... it's devastating for me too. T~T

But, anyway, this time the whole things was composed of Camus POV and Camus' POV alone. Why? That's because... in the next chapter... you'll see a lot of Haruka thoughts there... and Haruka stories. That's why I just wanted to make Camus' role in the situation clear. Okie? ^v^

Thanks again so much for readingggg~! And to all that acknowledged this story and followed it and stuff, THANK YOUUUUUUUUU!

I'm so sorry if I wasn't able to thank you personally... I couldn't keep track. u.u

Oh, and QUARTET NIGHT thanks you guys too (especially Camus... for the long wait)! And also Haruka. XD

And just to be honest with you all, I again cannot guarantee an early update... (well, I never do really. That's my problem... ;.;)

I apologize again for that as well. :3

'Til next time~~

OH WAIT. WAIT.

UTAPRI 4TH SEASON IS IN OCTOBER.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF ITS STILL CALLED UTA NO PRINCE SAMA REVOLUTION SINCE I CAN'T READ JAPANESE WELL.

But anyway-

YOU GUYS HAVE SEEN THE COVER FOR THE 4TH SEASON OF UTAPRI RIGHT? RIGHT?!

QUARTET NIGHT isn't there... UWAHHHHHHHHHHH! TTTTTTTTTTTT-TTTTTTTTTTTT

Though they're still going to be the main reason for the fabulous aura of the anime so... I'm okay. (LOL haha I'm just kidding. I'm too bias I know. XD)

Okay okay. This time, THIS TIME, I shall bid you all farewell... for now.

BAI BAI! ^v^/