Their marriage seemed to be getting better one day at a time. But the walls hadn't been torn down completely and Allegheny found herself wanting to change that. Though a date was out of the question in the traditional sense with town so far away and the weather so cold and unpredictable this time of year, there was no reason they couldn't have one here at the cabin.
"Let's have supper tonight," she suggested to Jackson.
He laughed. "We have supper together every night."
"No, I mean a nicer one."
"Oh. You mean like a date?"
"It would be nice, don't you think? We skipped over the courtship altogether. It'd be nice to get to know each other like courting couples do."
He smiled. "It would at that."
She smiled back.
That evening, she took special care with her appearance. Not to manipulate him this time but to show that she cared. She'd also fixed his favorite meal, soup beans and cornbread.
She started the dinner conversation. "So what do you do all day when you go out into the woods?" She wanted to show she was interested in what he did with his time and she really was.
"Check the traps mostly," he answered as he crumbled cornbread into the beans. "If it's a critter I need, I skin it to be sold which is a process in itself and takes quite a bit of time. And if I don't need them, I free them. The traps are basically cages and I can pull open the door from behind without being right in front of a most likely angry critter."
"That's benevolent," she said with genuine surprise. "I suppose I thought of these steel jaw traps coming down on some poor unsuspecting animal."
"That'd harm the hide and be unnecessarily cruel, especially if it turned out I didn't need it. Could clamp down on an unsuspecting person too. Not that many roam this mountain."
Didn't she know it. "I'd like to ask your advice about something. I noticed when you did the dishes everything was so clean, even the pots and pans. I scrub and scrub until my arms ache and still they don't always seem to be perfectly clean."
His chest seemed to puff out at being asked. "Sometimes you just need to let them soak first. Saves you time and trouble."
"I never thought of that. I guess it would. Thank you. That's a big help."
He smiled at her, looking very pleased.
She shared some funny stories about her brothers' escapades and he shared some funny stories from his childhood.
"This was nice," Jackson said when it was over, helping her clear the dishes. "I'm glad you suggested it. I feel like I know you a little better now."
"Me too and you know something? I like what I know."
They engaged in a long hug. Actually it was more like she turned too suddenly in the kitchen and bumped into his chest, but it turned into a hug. It was rather endearing and she found she actually desired him in a physical way. A fact that thrilled and frightened her at the same time.
Jackson was lost in his own thoughts. He'd felt all along she was keeping a part of herself back, but he could have never dreamed she would've turned out so warm as she was being. She was sweeping him off his feet. He wasn't sure what had turned the tide. No, he knew what had turned things around, deciding to follow Jesus. "Thank you," he said sending the words heavenward.
sss
She cracked the bedroom door open and watched as he laid down on the couch. He'd been sleeping there for almost 3 months now and she had no doubt he was going to keep sleeping there until she invited him to change the sleeping arrangement.
She took a deep breath and called out, "Come to bed."
He sat up and looked at her with wide eyes as if unsure he'd heard her correctly.
"I mean it. There's no reason for you to have to sleep on the couch." She left the door wide open though she crawled under the covers as she waited.
He came albeit slowly and hesitantly. Alleghany was the one to cut the light out. She didn't go to sleep immediately and from the rhythm of his breathing neither did he. It felt awkward after all these months, them being in the bedroom together.
They'd lain there only a few minutes when she said, "I think I love you." It was pitch black with no moon out and that made it easier to confess since she couldn't see his reaction. She'd never been good at expressing feelings, believing actions spoke louder than words.
"I know I love you," he returned, a softness in his voice that eased her anxiety.
"Me too. Know I love you, I mean. Not that I love me," she said with a nervous laugh.
He turned the oil lamp back on so they could see each other. Excitement could be read in his expression and his eyes. He pushed a piece of hair back from her face as if he didn't want anything keeping him from seeing the love that was shining there as they looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like the first time.
He wanted to kiss her, but more than that she wanted him to kiss her. She closed her eyes, giving him permission. This time they were both a little hesitant when it came to the kissing. It was better than his first tries at it, but she'd still had better kisses. However, there was a spark that now existed between them that made that not matter. Experience could be gained. Real love between a couple was harder to come by.
Alleghany had a nervous flutter when the kiss was over. She knew how to fool around. But she had never made love because she had never loved a man before. She'd only used and been used. Someone else's pleasure had never been a consideration before and it made what was coming next uncharted territory. And what if she couldn't forget the last time? What if in the middle of their lovemaking she remembered the anger and the hurt?
He wanted to kiss her again and more, but he didn't. He was glad for the light because he could see her reservations that she might not have spoken in the dark. "If you don't want to continue, we don't have to. Just telling me that you love me is more than enough for me. Just laying beside you is a thrill."
"I want to, but..."
He didn't tell her she didn't have to be afraid. He knew she had a good reason to be. "Let's pray about it."
She didn't see how that could help him with this, but it couldn't hurt.
"Lord, help us," he prayed right where they were. "We know You're sovereign over every situation in our lives. Father, we pray that our love for You and each other will abound more and more in both knowledge and depth of insight, so that we will be able to discern what is the best, and will be pure and blameless until the day Christ returns. Amen."
"Amen. That was beautiful," she said almost breathless. The words did somehow strengthen and fortify her. And they touched her, making her love grow.
"I basically just turned a verse into a prayer," he said, seeming embarrassed at the praise.
"That makes it even more beautiful." With a newfound confidence that God could help them overcome any problems they faced, she said, "I want to try."
"If you want me to stop at anytime, just say so."
She nodded to show she understood and he left the light on, a fact she was glad of.
They moved slow, but the slowness began to build a fire in the both of them.
"Stop," she said suddenly. She didn't really want him to stop, but she wanted to know that he would stop if she asked.
He did though she could tell it wasn't easy for him. He put distance between them, looking partially embarrassed and partially confused, but he respected her wishes and apologized. He was surprised when she threw her arms around him.
"I just wanted to know I could trust you. Really trust you."
"You can," he said, his voice kind and low.
"And you can trust me too. I'm not going to run away again. But I hope you don't think I always put out after a first date." She said the last part teasingly, trying to throw some humor in to ease some of the tension that still existed between them.
"So long as you don't think me ungentlemanly for accepting," he said just as teasingly.
It was the most tender and unhurried sex she'd ever had and she found herself liking it very much even when the execution sometimes lacked.
"Oh, Jackson," she cried more than once and he called out Alleghany a time or two himself.
They'd never been vocal before and the sound of their names spoken so intimately like a caress had the power to lift them higher and she came undone when he whispered his love for her in her ear.
sss
One day at a time. She only had to take the future one day at a time. That's what she told herself when the thought of a lifetime of commitment to one man scared her. And it did, despite loving him and despite being made new in Christ.
She thought to last night and smiled. So different from the last time they'd been together. So different from any encounter she ever had before. She would heal. Not because of the sex though it had been nice, not even because of their newfound love, but because God and His love was working in her. She didn't even think of alcohol anymore. Well, at least not most days. Her pain was finding an outlet in Him and that was what was bringing her healing. And their marriage was getting better because they were getting closer to God.
He'd left John, not to guard her but to keep her company. She opened the door and let the white dog into the house. He jumped on her, muddying her skirt. She never would've dreamed she'd laugh about such a thing, but she did.
"Being named after heroes of the Bible is not doing much for ya'll's manners," she said, scratching behind his ears. "Still, you beasts have grown on me, mud and all."
She was happy, she realized, with just a little bit of surprise. She was making friends with the ladies at church and that helped feed her need to be around people. She now enjoyed her husband's company. And she was excited about the coming baby.
"Oh goodness," she said with a smile, putting a hand to her stomach. "I have to write and tell your grandparents and uncles the good news. They'll be so excited."