Alright. I tried to avoid this, but sometimes the writing muse just hits you and it's awful. This chapter is not a happy one.
TRIGGER WARNING for descriptions of suicidal ideation and related things. Please do NOT read this if it will trigger you. Stay safe, guys.
Two days later, the lull in the lab ended. It had been requested that they design and manufacture ovens and stoves with ventilation so that the cooking could be done indoors as the freezing weather made it harder to bear the outdoors. Raven and Wick were busy at work when Abby burst in.
"Raven, we need you in the med bay."
"Why? I'm doing fine."
"It's not you. It's Octavia."
Raven quickly followed the woman, grabbing the warm fur wrap she used outside. As they walked through the camp, Raven noticed Abby struggling for control over her emotions.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Raven asked, yelling over the howling wind.
"She's not well," Abby said cryptically.
When they got to the medbay, Octavia was laying on the bed, sobbing. Lincoln was holding one of her arms in at her side, and the other extended, while Jackson was stitching a gaping wound on her right wrist.
"Abby, we turned away for 30 seconds and she tore half her stitches out." Jackson said in a quiet voice. Abby sighed.
At that, Octavia tried to to wrench out of Lincoln's grasp. Her left hand, which Lincoln was pinning to the table, was in an odd-looking brace that extended midway down her arm. Jackson carefully bandaged her right wrist, checking the IV in that arm's elbow before nodding to Lincoln. The man brought the wrist back toward Octavia's body. She let out a sort of growling noise, trying to escape.
"Octavia, what happened? What's wrong?" Raven asked, bewildered.
"Let me go," she spat toward Lincoln
"Are you going to rip at your stitches again?" The man asked her.
"Fuck you!" she said weakly, trying to yell. Her face and lips were washed out, and she looked defeated.
"What happened to her?" Raven asked Abby, horrified.
"She tried to kill herself."
"What?" Her heart felt like it had suddenly dropped into her abdomen. "How?"
"One of her knives," Lincoln said.
"Oh god," Raven said, sinking to a chair so her working knee didn't give out.
Octavia let out a little shriek and continued to sob.
Raven felt completely responsible. She had known Octavia was anxious, but hadn't know she was depressed, or desperate. Maybe she should have known. Maybe she should have told someone. But who? It's not like there was someone who could just fix her.
"O, what happened? Why didn't you tell anyone it was this bad?" She asked, feeling hysterical and unsure what to do.
"Let me go," she said furiously, thrashing wildly in Lincoln's grasp.
"Octavia, it's him or restraints. You decide," Abby said flatly.
"I wanna die. Please just let me die," the girl said, her voice crackling.
"Octavia, we're not going to let that happen." Lincoln said.
Raven couldn't hold back the tears that had begun to gather in her own eyes.
"It's okay, Octavia. It's okay," she said, trying to sound soothing.
"No, it's not okay! I'm done! I'm done…"
Just then, Bellamy came through the door.
"Octavia," he said breathlessly, running over to her.
The girl squeezed her eyes shut, her breath coming in shorter and shorter gasps.
"Octavia, try to calm down," Abby said.
She started shaking badly and soon began hyperventilating.
"Alright, she needs space. Everyone out."
"But-" Bellamy started.
"Out! You too, Lincoln." Abby commanded.
"But she might hurt herself."
"She's not capable of that right now. I'll stay with her."
Lincoln reluctantly let go of her, following Bellamy, Jackson, and Raven out of the room.
"What happened to her?" Bellamy asked, leaning heavily on the wall.
"She hurt herself," Lincoln said in a low voice. "Slit her wrists with a knife."
"Oh god. Why? Did you two know she was feeling like this?"
"I knew she was feeling anxious and sad, but I didn't know she was this bad," Raven said regretfully.
"She's been reckless and depressed but I never thought…" Lincoln trailed off.
"I can't believe I didn't notice. I can't believe she didn't tell me." Bellamy said, putting his head in his hands.
"Jackson, why does she have that cast thing?" Raven asked.
"She damaged some tendons and nerves in her wrist. Abby repaired as much as she could. That brace keeps hand and fingers bent forward, which keeps tendons slack so that they can heal properly. She still might have trouble straightening her middle and ring finger, and she will definitely have some numbness in her hand. But she's lucky to be alive. She knew what she was doing. It's lucky Lincoln found her so quickly, with the way she was bleeding-"
"Sorry," Raven said abruptly, running outside to throw up.
She made it back to the lab a half an hour later, feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, though it was still morning.
"Hey, is Octavia okay?"
She burst into tears, shaking her head.
"Hey," he said, pulling her close.
"She's not okay."
"What happened?"
"She slit her wrists."
"Oh wow."
"It's all my fault."
"No, it's not."
"Yes it is! I should have done more. I should have told someone that she was feeling bad… or… something."
"She didn't… She's alive, right?"
"Yeah. Lincoln found her in time."
"Okay."
She buried her face in his chest, and he held her, rubbing her back soothingly.
Raven couldn't focus on her work that day, and kept making stupid mistakes. She couldn't keep lunch down, thinking of the way Octavia had sobbed and thrashed. By afternoon, she was useless in the lab.
"Rae, why don't you just go back to see her? I'm fine here, and you're getting nothing done."
"Thanks Wick," she said quietly, kissing him on the cheek before leaving for the med bay.
When she got to the girl's room, Octavia was awake.
"Hi," she said, approaching the overly pale girl.
"Hi."
"Are you feeling better?"
"No."
"I'm so sorry I didn't realize how bad you were doing."
"It's alright."
"No it's not. I almost lost you. I don't know if I could bear losing you."
Octavia didn't respond. Raven noticed that the girl's wrists were in cuffs attached to the bottom of the bed, making her unable to move them far.
"How're your wrists?"
"They hurt."
Raven didn't know what to say.
"I don't really understand why you did this, Octavia."
"Abby says I'm in a major depressive episode, whatever that means. It's like I'm suffocating. When I was laying there bleeding out, it felt like I could finally breathe."
Raven felt like she had been punched in the gut.
"Can I do anything to make you feel better?"
"No."
"Okay. Well, can I sit with you?"
She nodded.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, and then Octavia twitched.
"You okay?"
"My arm is itchy." She shifted uncomfortably. "Can you itch it? Please?"
"Is it your wrist?"
"No, upper arm."
Raven reached and scratched her upper arm.
"A little higher, yeah right there." Octavia sighed in relief.
"Better?"
"Yeah."
Raven couldn't help but notice that Octavia's hair was frizzy and much of it had gotten loose of her braided updo.
"Hey, can I re-braid your hair, O?"
She nodded, and Raven made her way behind the head of the bed, gently pulling the girl's hair out of her updo, and untangling it. Octavia shut her eyes, relaxing slightly. As Raven started re-braiding the girl's hair, Bellamy came in.
"Hey Octavia," he said softly.
She made eye contact, but didn't say anything.
"How are-"
"Let me answer your questions before you ask," Octavia interrupted him. "I'm fine. No, I don't want to talk about what I did. No, I didn't have a good reason to do it. Yes, my wrists hurt like hell and my left hand is completely numb. And no, I don't want to talk about your feelings."
Bellamy just stared at her.
"Here's a question you didn't answer. Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? It sounds like Raven and Lincoln both knew you weren't okay. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't tell them. They found out. I didn't tell them and I didn't tell you because I knew you'd all react this way."
"What way?"
"All hurt and weird and uncomfortable even though I'm the one dealing with this. I knew you wouldn't understand. I don't even understand why I feel like this, really. But this isn't about you. Your feelings aren't going to make me better, they're just going to make me feel like more weak, cowardly failure than I already am."
"You're not a failure."
"Stop, okay? Just stop. Stop trying to fix me and either listen or leave me alone."
"Okay."
Raven didn't say a word as she finished braiding the girl's hair and sat back down. At some point, she reached and held the girl's still-restrained hand.
Abby came in, checking the girl's vitals.
"Octavia, how are you feeling?"
"Like shit."
"Emotionally or physically?"
"Both."
"Do you want some more painkillers?"
She nodded.
"Your blood pressure is still low," Abby said, connecting a small bag to Octavia's IV line. "That's what I expected. Your body is going to take a while to recuperate."
"Can you take off these damn restraints?"
"Honey, you've tried to end your life today, and then when we left you alone for a few minutes, you tried again. I think you can understand why I'm a little reluctant to take them off."
"Please. Just for a little bit."
"Bellamy, how long will you be here?"
"All night."
"Alright, I'll take them off for a few hours."
She nodded, sighing in relief as Abby took off one of the padded cuffs, then the other.
"Bellamy, Raven, watch her."
The girl didn't do much besides stare down at her wrists.
"Octavia, I'm going to grab some food. If I bring some back, will you eat it?" Raven asked.
"I guess."
Raven went to the dining area of the arc, grabbing herself and Octavia some food.
"Raven, have you seen Octavia?" Jasper said from behind her.
She turned, unsure of what to say.
"Uh, she wasn't feeling well. She's in the med bay."
"She's not pregnant too, is she?"
"No," Raven said, quickly turning and walking back to the med bay. She wished it could be something happy like that instead of what it truly was.
That night, despite Abby's protests, Lincoln, Bellamy, and Raven all slept in Octavia's room in the med bay. Raven had hung her backpack on the same pole as Octavia's IV bag, and through the night the sound of the pump clicking marked the passage of time. Octavia had a horrible nightmare that night. When she awoke, she flew into a panic before they could do much of anything, and she thrashed violently against her restraints. Her screams sent shivers down Raven's spine. It took hours for her to calm down.
They met the morning with weary hearts and shadows beneath their eyes. Lincoln was still sitting on the edge of Octavia's bed, rubbing her fingers gently. He had slept perhaps even less than Octavia. Bellamy hugged Raven before they parted.
"Thanks for being here for her. I know she may not act like it, but it means a lot to her." Bellamy said.
Raven nodded solemnly.
Try not to hate me and leave a review if you can! It's really nice to hear that people are actually reading and enjoying my work.