The glint of the rain soaked road seemed oddly surreal to him as he drove in the otherwise inky blackness. His mind was in the odd position of being completely functional, and yet completely catatonic. He deftly steered the car down the empty roads, with no destination in mind.
The radio buzzed nonsensically in the background, the price of oil was up again. Another consistent rise. It had been rising steadily for months and months according to the broadcaster.
Oil. Oil was more consistent than him.
He grit his teeth as the first of what would be many berating thoughts began to trickle through his defensive state of dissociation.
He had promised himself, many, many years ago that he would be constant. He would be a constant in his people's lives, which by the nature of their work was filled with never ending variables.
As he caught a glance of himself in the rear view mirror, he groaned.
He was a constant alright.
A constant screw up.
How could he have messed up like this? The kid had sworn blind he hadn't done it…pleaded with him to believe him. And what he done? Basically called him a liar and…
Gibbs scrubbed a hand over his face as he thought of the completely unwarranted and undeserved punishment he'd dished out to his senior field agent.
He thought back on how Tony had not uttered a single word, let out a single whimper or relaxed one muscle in his back as he'd, as it transpires, unduly and unforgivably spanked him.
He suddenly took the next left at an abrupt gate and clenched the steering wheel tighter still.
He needed to talk to Tony, that much was a foregone conclusion. He needed to completely dispel with his no apologies rule, because frankly, in the current moment…he could only remember a handful of situations in his entire life where he felt as guilty and miserable as he felt right now.
But…he couldn't do it now. Not without…perspective.
Twenty or so minutes of relatively illegal driving later and the car swung into a familiar driveway.
Clambering out with haste, Gibbs wasted no time in rapping loudly on the handsome oak door.
He waited with a biting impatience for his knock to be answered.
Eventually, the door swung open a robed Ducky stood in the frame, clutching a glass of port.
A genial smile began to make its way across his face until he spied the look of pure and unadulterated torment adorning his old friends face.
Stepping back immediately, he opened the door further.
"Come Jethro" he murmured in concern.
The agent swept into the grand hall and careered straight towards the familiar kitchen that had housed the duo many times before.
Throwing himself down in his usual spot and dropping his head into his hands, he let out a great gutful of air.
Explaining to Ducky why he was so wound up was not going to be easy. The ME had a soft spot for Tony.
The doctor was soon in the kitchen, and with the aid of the bright lights he decided against offering bourbon and reached instead for the strongest coffee he possessed. Quickly putting it on to brew, he kept an appraising eye on his troubled looking friend. He knew that the man was building himself up to explain what was clearly troubling him, and he busied himself with the coffee to give him time.
Eventually he carried a steaming cup of coffee over to the paled man, and set it down in front of him.
Sitting down in his usual spot, he interlinked his fingers and rested his chin on them.
"Jethro?"
His voice was gentle and quiet and held an unspoken string of questions.
Gibbs took a moment, but eventually he raised his head and looked at his friend with tortured eyes.
"I punished him Duck" he all but whispered in a strangled tone.
It was quiet for a moment as the elder of the two digested this cryptic information.
Being a man of statistics, he quickly did the math of experience and came to the right conclusion.
"Anthony?"
The brief and jerky nod answered his query.
Ducky nodded to himself more than anything and continued to rack an appraising gaze over the younger of the two.
"Forgive me Jethro, but…I'm not sure I see the source of your woe. I mean to say dear fellow, I know how much you hate doing it, but it's not exactly that much of a rarity where young Anthony is concerned is it?"
Gibbs let out a strangled and oddly high pitched laugh that rang with a startling bitterness and Ducky felt his eyes widen in response.
"Jethro?" he repeated, starting to feel more than a bit nervous as he took in the oddly lightless eyes staring back at him.
"No…it's not that much of a rarity Duck" the younger of the two eventually managed to get out, "but…punishing him for no reason is."
The ME blinked.
"I'm afraid I don't understand?"
Gibbs took a deep breath and a deep glug of coffee and forced himself to start talking.
Five or so minutes later and the whole sorry tale had been recounted.
Ducky observed his friend with an x ray gaze for what seemed like an eternity before speaking.
"Quite the mess isn't it?"
Gibbs nodded mutely and stared miserably into his coffee.
"I've pretty much lost him Duck."
As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt his throat constrict slightly.
Ducky snorted angrily.
"Is he dying? Has the young man been knocking on deaths door, and I've been merely oblivious?"
Gibbs gaped.
"Well no, but-" he spluttered, before he was curtly interrupted.
"But nothing Jethro" Ducky interjected firmly. "Yes, there is no doubt you have made a most grievous error, and not one I condone in the slightest. You know better than to believe that Anthony would stand right in front of you and lie to your face. You also know better than to deal with any kind of a situation like that when you yourself are angry or frustrated."
The ME paused for breath.
"That being said, that boy ruddy well idolises you and you know it. That's why you're taking this so hard. Why both of you are."
Gibbs gulped and nodded somewhat. He stared into his coffee for a moment before forcing himself to ask the question he needed the answer to, but was…well, afraid to get it.
"Why Duck…why would he?"
The elder man sighed, anticipating the question and being hesitant with the answer.
"Why did he let you punish him?"
The pained nod was hard to see.
"Why not refuse…punch me? Leave? Anything…"
The friend in him wanted to issue some platitude about why does one do anything, whilst the burgeoning psychological profiler in him demanded to be heard.
He warred with himself for a moment before inwardly groaning.
This was a time for transparency over coddling.
"His father."
The visible flinch that wafted over the table made the kindly doctor's ME ache, but he forced himself to continue.
"I'm afraid to say Jethro, that if I were to hazard a guess as to what was going through young Anthony's mind… you were not you as you are, but rather some sort of representation of his father."
"You say he hardly reacted to the whipping?"
Gibbs just about managed a pained and partial nod.
Ducky hesitated for a moment in response, and weighed his options.
He decided to go with the cold hard truth.
I'm sorry my dear man but…it would appear that Anthony simply closed off his mind to the reality that was surrounding him. It is a form of…coping mechanism that I would daresay he learnt at a young age."
The younger of the two men let out a shuddering groan of despair as his brain caught up with the words his ears were ingesting, and buried his face into his hands.
"Oh god…what have I done?"
Ducky sighed sadly as the strangled words escaped his old friend.
Hoisting himself out of his chair, he crossed the distance between them in two strides and lay a hand on the uncharacteristically distraught man's shoulder.
"Jethro, you have made a terrible mistake. I won't sugar-coat it for you; you've most likely awakened demons in the boy that he has long since tried to suppress. But, and this is a very substantial but, my dear fellow, no one in infallible. Not even you. You need to go to Anthony, and lay all your cards on the table. It was an awful occurrence to have happened, but you never intended to harm the young man. You need to make him see that."
Gibbs looked up and saw the sincerity in his friend's eyes and forced himself to nod.
The time for self pity was over.
Glancing quickly at his watch he saw it was only nine p.m. and that as it was Friday there was very little chance the kid was asleep.
Forcing himself to his feet, he shot an uncharacteristically solemn look at the kindly ME.
"Thanks Duck" he said hoarsely, knowing the man would infer the words he couldn't say.
Nodding, the elder man draped an arm around the agent's shoulders and gently steered him towards the front door.
As the two stepped out into the night air, he smiled calmly.
"Go on now, go to him."
Gibbs nodded and a minute later his car was swinging out of the doctor's driveway.
He tried to remain calm as the distance between his car and Tony's apartment grew steadily smaller.
How the hell was he going to make this right? Could it even be made right? He wasn't sure.
He suddenly stopped the car in a built up area of town, and returned ten minutes later with the kid's favourite Chinese food and a six pack of beer.
In less time than he would have perhaps liked, he was pulling into the apartment building's car lot.
Five minutes later saw the extremely nervous man knocking on the familiar door of his senior agent's apartment. He had knocked on this door a thousand times, hell he even had keys but he knew tonight wasn't the time to use them, and he had never felt such emotion waiting for it to open.
After what felt like an eternity, and after a thousand thoughts of "he's not going to let me in" the door suddenly creaked open.
An OSU sweatshirt and jeans clad Tony stood in the doorway, looking completely and yet politely indifferent at his visitor.
"Case Gibbs?"
Clutching the six pack and Chinese food, the elder man shook his head slightly sheepishly.
"No…no case. I was wondering if I could come in?"
Tony stared at him for a moment.
"Why?"
Gibbs swallowed.
"We need to talk."
Another clinical stare.
"Why?"
Gibbs swallowed again. All in all, this was not a good start.
"Please Tony" he replied quietly, letting a note of urgency ring in his voice.
The young man stared for a moment more, before stepping back and opening the door a fraction wider.
In relief, the elder of the two walked in quickly before the kid could change his mind.
He turned around in time to see Tony shut the door and stride in after him.
"Do you want some dinner?" Gibbs asked feebly, gesturing to the takeaway he'd placed on the counter, "it's your favourite."
"Not hungry" Tony replied curtly, "can I help you with something specific Gibbs? It's just, it's Friday night and I hadn't really planned on…company."
The elder agent nodded slowly and took a deep breath, before gesturing to the well worn sofa in the adjoining room.
"Maybe we should sit?"
The sandy brown head shook in the negative.
"I'm good with standing."
Nodding feebly Gibbs forced himself to open his mouth and say some of the hardest words he'd ever have to say.
"I was wrong, Tony."
The words seemed to echo around the small room before they registered in each man's brain.
"About?" came the cold reply.
Gibbs took in a deep gulp of air and decided to lay it all there as Ducky had told him to.
"About the whole Sacks fiasco. Fornell dropped by my house a few hours ago and told me that their analyst had examined the tape and found discrepancies. When he confronted Sacks he eventually admitted that the whole thing had been a set up, and that the people on that CCTV tape were his moron friends. The whole point as to look as close to you as possible and to a lesser extent, McGee. You were set up."
Gibbs took in another gulp of air and watched Tony's expression closely.
Nothing.
The kid barely reacted.
"Tony?"
Snapping out of his reverie, the younger man startled for a moment.
"I see."
Gibbs had to fight to resist the impulse to lay a hand on the boy's shoulder; he knew it definitely would not be appreciated.
"Tony, I-"
"You know Gibbs, it's getting late and I'm pretty tired. I'll see you at work on Monday ok."
The elder man groaned.
"Tony, please you have to listen to me-"
The cold, bitter laugh that seemed so alien to be coming from his eldest boy cut him short.
"Oh I just have to listen to you?"
Gibbs opened his mouth immediately, but was cut short.
"Got a newsflash for you, I don't have to listen to shit. I thought I did; don't get me wrong I did think that as a team, we should always listen to each other. But, as it turns out, I was mistaken."
Gibbs was beginning to feel a little nauseous.
"Tony. I made a terrible and horrible mistake. I didn't believe you when you were telling me the truth. I didn't wait until I'd calmed down from listening to Vance to talk to you about it. I screwed up. I screwed up badly. But…but that doesn't mean that you were mistaken."
His only answer was a derisive snort.
"I'm so sorry Tony" Gibbs practically whispered.
The young man looked at him with an almost tangible anger radiating in his bright green eyes.
"Oh well that's ok then" he snarled, "if the great and mighty Gibbs has apologised everything is just a-ok."
The elder man winced.
"I don't think its ok Tony" he responded quietly "I should never have doubted you."
"Then why did you?"
The four words still carried a biting anger, but Gibbs immediately sensed the underlying hurt and sadness that accompanied them, and felt another stab of burning, acidic guilt.
"Because I'm a moron."
Tony snorted again.
"No arguments here."
"Tony, I-"
He was cut off, again.
"Funny how you're only a moron when it comes to me isn't it?" the young man bit out angrily, "I mean you had no problem believing precious probie McPerfect when he told you he had nothing to do with it."
Gibbs felt the bubbling pool of guilt in his stomach burst its banks and begin to spread throughout his whole body.
"I-"
"You just thought the frat boy from Ohio State was a much better bet for something like that than the boy wonder from MIT?"
Gibbs shook his head vehemently.
"No Tony, no. I jumped to the wrong conclusion, but not because I think you're some immature frat boy, but because I saw previous pranks and put two and two together and got five."
A brief silence ensued as the younger man digested this.
"I told you I was being framed."
The elder man nodded sadly.
"I know Tony; I know…I'm sorry, I can't believe I messed up so badly. If I could take it back I would, if I could do something to make it better I would, but I can't."
The young man stared at him steadily for a moment.
"We could swap" he stated evenly.
Gibbs looked back blankly.
"Swap?"
Nodding, the younger man was still radiating pure anger.
"Sure, you could hand me your belt and I could show you what it feels like to be on the receiving end of it. Even the playing field."
The elder agent sighed.
"Tony, if I thought that would make you feel better I would give it to you in a heartbeat. But, it won't. It would make you feel even more confused than you are now."
"I'm not confused" the younger agent spat.
Gibbs smiled sadly.
"Sure you are. You've been punished for no reason, disbelieved and had your trust in me damaged. Then you've been left to stew about it on your own."
As he said the words, the team leader felt another kick in the gut.
"You been watching psych 101 or something?" Tony grunted uncomfortably.
"No" Gibbs responded softly, "I just know you, and I know what I've done
Tony looked over at him for a moment, resting his hands on the breakfast counter.
"You know, my father used to punish me for no reason all the time and not give a damn. There's no reason for you to be any different. I was a fool for thinking you should be."
Gibbs felt another stab of burning regret.
"Yes there is Tony" he answered quietly, "you know how important you are to me."
It was a testament to how guilty he felt that he was forcing himself to verbalise these emotions without the aid of any liquor.
Tony bit out a bitter laugh.
"Not important enough to trust obviously."
The elder man shook his head vigorously.
"I trust you Tony, I trust you as much as I've ever trusted another human being. The fact that I didn't believe you had nothing to do with trust, and everything to do with me being an old fool."
He got no response to that.
Tony merely reached out an unhooked two beers from the unopened six pack, and slid one across to the elder agent, before turning and heading into the living room to collapse on the sofa.
Hoping against hope that this was a good sign, Gibbs grabbed his beer and followed suit.
"What will happen to Sacks?" Tony asked abruptly as the elder agent sat down beside him.
Slightly thrown, Gibbs pondered for a moment.
"Probably a suspension I'd imagine" he said bitterly, "he'd be thrown out of the feds if I had my way."
Tony nodded to himself and lapsed into silence.
Gibbs watched him and saw the hurt in his eyes and just wanted the ground to swallow him whole.
"What are you thinking?" he asked eventually.
Tony didn't look at him, and continued to stare into his beer as he answered.
"As if you care."
Gibbs resisted the urge to pull the kid into a hug and closed his eyes briefly.
"Tony, of course I care. I always care."
The younger man took a large swig of beer before shaking his head.
"If you cared, you would have believed me."
Gibbs groaned to himself. Anthony DiNozzo Senior had left his son with a very skewed view of what the perfect father was.
One that never screwed up.
"Tony…do you believe that I cared about Kelly?"
The boy snapped his head up in surprise and forgot to even be angry as he answered.
"What? Of course I do."
"I made mistakes with Kelly, Tony. I didn't believe her one time when she told me she was sick and couldn't go to school. I forced her to go. A couple of hours later I get a call from the school telling me that she's fainted and being brought to hospital. Turns out she nearly burst her appendix. I didn't believe her when she told me her stomach hurt, and…. she hurt a hell of a lot more as a result."
Tony gaped at him and the elder man pushed on.
"Making mistakes does not mean I don't care Tony. It means I'm human. I feel guilty as hell for what I did to you, and I would do anything to change it. I care son, please believe that I care."
Tony for his part couldn't believe his ears.
He had never heard Gibbs be so…un-Gibbs-ish.
"You care?" he choked out.
This time Gibbs couldn't help himself. He reached out and laid a hand on the kid's knee. To his intense relief, it wasn't shaken off.
"More than you could know son."
He withdrew his hand and the two lapsed into silence for another moment, before Tony got up and retrieved two more beers.
Handing one to Gibbs, he threw himself back down on the sofa.
"You prefer Tim."
Nearly choking on the swig he had taken, Gibbs turned to the younger man.
"What?"
"You believed Tim, therefore you prefer him."
Feeling distinctly hot under the collar, Gibbs shook his head for what felt like the hundredth time.
"That is not true. You two are completely different, and I don't "prefer" either of you over the other."
Tony also shook his head, stubbornly.
"Tim's perfect. He's smart, funny, hardworking…"
"You're smart, funny and hardworking" Gibbs pointed out patiently.
Tony snorted.
"Sure thing."
Gibbs sighed sadly.
"I mean it Tony."
The younger man stared into his drink for a while longer.
"I'm still angry" he eventually stated.
"Of course you are" Gibbs agreed, "you have every right to be."
Tony nodded and stared into the distance.
"But…I guess I'm not as angry."
The elder man felt an articulated lorry's weight lift off his shoulders with the seven words.
Maybe…just maybe he could mend his relationship with his eldest boy.
Before he could open his mouth, the kid's stomach growled.
Arching an eyebrow, he looked over at him.
"Still not hungry?"
The kid grinned somewhat sheepishly, and the sight of it nearly made Gibbs faint with relief.
He hadn't seen that grin in just two days, but it had felt like an eternity.
"I'll heat up the Chinese" he offered, and was soon busying himself in the familiar kitchen.
Returning five minutes later with a steaming plate of chow mein, he chuckled inwardly as the green eyes lit up anticipatively.
There was silence that was only interrupted by the clinking of cutlery as Tony scarfed down his dinner.
After taking a final bite and a large glug of beer to wash it down, Tony settled back down into the sofa.
"So…what happens now?" he asked quietly, picking at the label on his bottle.
Gibbs looked over at him in confusion.
"What do you mean Tony?"
The kid squirmed slightly in his chair.
"Well…I mean…when I mess up….are you uhh…"
Gibbs closed his eyes briefly. That was quite the question, and one he wasn't sure he knew the answer to.
"I don't know Tony. I failed you, I don't know if it's in your best interests that we deal with things like this anymore. I can't risk hurting you again."
The green eyes that had shown signs of their usual glimmer, instantly clouded over at his words.
The young man's jaw tightened and he looked off into the distance.
"Tony?"
The eyes flashed.
"I get it. You're not bothered anymore. Makes sense, gives you more time to give to Tim if nothing else."
Gibbs blinked.
He stared for a moment before realisation set in.
Kid thought he was giving up on him,
Setting his beer down, he reached out and placed a firm hand on the young man's shoulder.
"Look at me."
Tony resolutely stared into the distance.
"Look at me this second Tony" Gibbs ordered, allowing his "boss" tone to ring strongly through.
It did the trick.
The young man instinctively looked at the elder agent.
"If I thought it would keep you safe, keep you protected… I would wear you out every single day. I mean that. I just…I just meant that if you needed things to be more…NCIS approved for a while, then we could do that. There are other ways to discipline you Tony. The reason I tan your backside is because it's just between us, quick, efficient and then it's forgotten about. You know how I feel about paper punishments, but I will use them if you need me to. Without hesitation. Understand?"
The team leader took a deep breath and a deeper draught as he waited for Tony to respond.
"I don't want paper punishments Gibbs."
The elder, who was really starting to hate the sound of his surname, of the two studied the younger for a moment before opening his mouth.
"You're sure Tony? You're absolutely sure?"
The green eyes met his.
"I'm sure. I…I still trust you."
Gibbs exhaled sharply at the words, the staggering bout of relief that surged through him rendering him speechless for a moment.
"Thank you Tony" he muttered quietly, not trusting himself to say any more.
The kid nodded, and resumed picking at the beer label he had nearly torn to shreds.
"Any chance I can offset this as a credit note for the next time?" he suddenly asked, with a strong ghost of usual roguish grin.
Gibbs snorted.
This was more like it.
"Not a chance. I'm not having you running out of a stake-out to chat up some blonde twenty something because you think you can get away with it."
Tony frowned.
"That's stereotyping."
Gibbs rolled his eyes.
"Yeah yeah."
Tony suddenly reached for his pager and frowned.
"Something wrong?"
Tony pulled a face.
"Yeah, my month of on call starts tomorrow but I haven't got the confirmation page or codes yet."
Gibbs reached into his pocket and extracted his own beeper.
"I did."
Tony stared.
"Huh? How did that mix up happen? You don't do on call."
Gibbs smiled.
That was true. But he had phoned the office on the way to Tony's and made arrangements.
"I took your on call."
Tony gaped.
"What?" he spluttered, "why?"
"Because, if Mike were here Tony he would have worn me out for jumping to conclusions. You know how you feel better after a while when I've spanked you, when you don't feel guilty anymore?"
Tony nodded.
"I need to feel better too."
Silence once again ensued as Tony struggled to find words.
"You don't need to do that" he murmured eventually, "you didn't do it on purpose."
"I still did it" Gibbs replied firmly.
"But you despise on call" the younger man argued.
"That's the point Tony" the elder man responded patiently.
His tone brooked no argument and silence once again descended.
He checked his watch as his eyes began to itch and felt his eyes widen in surprise as he saw it was approaching midnight.
Throwing down the last dregs of his drink, he rummaged around for his cell.
"It's getting late, I should call a cab" he explained as Tony looked at him questioningly.
He punched in a few numbers before the kids hand snaked in and shut the cell with a snap.
"Just crash on the couch" he offered quietly.
Gibbs looked at him in surprise.
"Really?"
It was Tony's turn to sigh.
"Yeah. I mean…it's going to take a while for things to get back to normal between us, but…I'm willing to work at it, if you are."
Gibbs blinked.
"I'm willing to do just whatever the hell it takes son."
Tony smiled the first true and pain free smile he'd seen since the whole debacle unfolded.
"What happened to that Marine stoicism Gibbs?" he teased.
The team leader rolled his eyes.
"Watch the cheek you."
Tony merely snorted and got up to fetch spare bed clothes.
Returning, he set them down on the edge of the sofa and stood slightly awkwardly.
"I'm gonna hit the hay now as well Gibbs, going for a run in the morning."
Gibbs nodded, and decided, after a brief moment to take the plunge.
"Can I come with?"
Tony looked at him steadily for a moment before answering, sending the Marines heart into overdrive.
"Sure you can keep up old man?"
Gibbs laughed, more in relief than anything.
Standing he began to make up the couch, throwing a "I was running track when you were still eating sand kid" over his shoulder.
Finishing up, he righted himself and looked over at the boy who was loitering in the doorway.
"7am ok then?"
Gibbs nodded.
"Sounds good."
Tony crossed over to the couch to fix the sheet to the background of Gibbs' rolling eyes.
Also righting himself, he found himself face to face with a very tired looking Jethro.
"Goodnight then Gibbs" he said quietly.
Gibbs had to fight with all his strength against his paternal instincts of pulling the kid in for a hug.
"Goodnight Tony" he murmured.
The young agent nodded and turned in the direction of his bedroom.
He seemed to be suddenly conflict stricken and paused in the middle of the room.
"Tony?"
The kid turned around and stared silently at a rapidly growing concerned Gibbs.
Then all of a sudden he started across the room and landed himself back in front of the team leader.
"You meant what you said? That you like me and Tim and the same?"
Gibbs stared into the green eyes for a moment before shaking his head in the negative.
"No son…I don't like you and Tim the same."
Pain shot over his handsome young face and he turned to leave, before Gibbs deftly caught him by the elbow and held him steady.
"I love you and Tim the same."
Both men stood stock still for a moment.
Tony was every bit as surprised as Gibbs that the closed off man had made such an admission with the aid of only a few beers.
The young agent suddenly found himself putting all his negative emotions on hold for just a moment, the moment it took for him to throw himself into Gibbs' chest for a hug.
Startled, but recovering within an instant Gibbs wrapped his arms around the kid and thanked God their relationship whilst certainly not being fully healed, was certainly on the mend.
"Goodnight… Boss."
A/N: Please let me know what you all think! I'm finished my exams now so I'm back into full writing swing, hence the longer than usual update. Also, I decided against having Ducky punish Gibbs because their relationship, to me anyway, is too equal and linear for that to work.
Thanks so much for reading!