Stefan pulled up to the boarding house in a daze, unsure of where he had come from or how he had gotten there. He turned the car off and pulled the key out of the ignition, and that's when he noticed the dried blood on his hand. Shakily, he brought his hand up in front of him to examine it, his mind still not sure if what he was seeing was real. He pulled his other hand off of the steering wheel, noticing it too contained dried blood. The familiar sweet metallic taste of human blood lingered on his tongue. A wave of panic set in at the realization. He snapped the car's visor down and flipped open the mirror to see the smeared blood on his lips and chin. Desperately, he tried to recall the events of the evening, but the buzzing in his head left him with only blank thoughts. One thing was obvious, he had attacked someone. His gaze shifted from the mirror to stare blankly ahead. "What have I done?"
Guilt and shame immediately tore at his conscience. Had he killed someone or just fed? He couldn't be certain. All he knew at this moment was that he'd lost control and done something terrible. He quickly scanned the driveway, noticing Damon's car was absent. Momentary relief washed over him that he was alone. He needed to get into the house and clean up before Damon returned. The last thing he wanted was Damon getting on him about spiraling out of control. It wasn't too late, just a minor set-back. He'd handled feeding before when Damon recently had pushed him to try moderation, and he had managed to regain control after his summer of binge drinking with Klaus. "Pull yourself together, this was just a slip up. You can do this." He pulled the sleeve of his jacket over his hand and wiped the blood away from the steering wheel, trying to cover his tracks. He took a deep calming breath, as he opened the car door, before vamp speeding up to his room.
Stefan stripped off his jacket, tossing it to the floor on his way to the bathroom. He frantically scrubbed the blood away from his hands and mouth, to the point that he could no longer tell if the redness that remained was from the blood or the friction of his scrubbing. He turned the water off, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Anger at the sight of himself caused him to seethe. His fangs protruded, his eyes turned red, and the veins underneath his skin pulsated. Rage swelled from deep inside, and he let out a yell before smashing the mirror with his fist. His hands gripped the sink tightly, as he shook it in frustration and disgust. "This is their fault! I can't…I won't let their betrayal destroy me." After a moment, his ragged breathing began to regulate, and he slowly regained control of his anger. He stripped his clothes off and stepped into the shower, without warming up the water first, allowing the cold water to help assuage the last remnants of his ire.
After what seemed like a half hour under the water, Stefan stepped out, dried off, and walked into his bedroom to put on some clean clothes. Half a bottle of whiskey sat on the nightstand next to his bed, along with a glass he'd used a few days ago after Elena broke up with him. Forgoing the glass entirely, he grabbed the bottle and chugged it back. The alcohol didn't seem to calm his frazzled nerves any better than the shower did, but at least it would help with his cravings. The taste of human blood still lingered on his tongue, making him hunger for more. He grabbed his journal from the cedar chest and took it to his desk along with the liquor. One constant in his life had been his journal entries. They'd catalogued some of the most disparaging moments in his life since he'd turned. He wrote,
I have blood on my hands…again. I don't remember what happened exactly. I know I was at a bar outside of town. I needed to get away from Mystic Falls to clear my head. Then the next thing I know, I'm sitting in my car in the driveway covered in blood. I must have blacked out. It's been decades since that has happened. I thought I had this under control, but who was I kidding? I was barely holding on by a thread all for Elena. Elena. She knew she was the only reason I regained control. She knew she was what held my humanity together. How could she do this to me? And of course my brother…him and his selfishness has ruined my life yet again. I should never have trusted him with her.
The rage began to overwhelm him once again. He looked at the bottle before violently throwing it against the wall. Glass fragments scattered across the room, and liquid splashed and slid down the wall. Moments later, he heard the front door open downstairs. Obviously Damon had returned. With his enhanced hearing, Stefan knew there was no way Damon hadn't heard the glass smashing even from outside. Great, just great. He knew his brother would be upon him in no time to investigate. Damon was the last person he cared to see right now. The beast within was clawing to get out and rip something apart. That's what human blood did to him. If Damon pushed him even a little, he couldn't guarantee his brother wouldn't end up with a stake through his heart.
It took less than a minute from the time Damon entered until he stood before Stefan in the doorway of his room. Damon scanned the room, immediately noticing the mess. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the reflective shimmer of the broken mirror coming from the bathroom. He walked over, peering in, and frowned at the sight. "Stefan? What the hell is going on in here?"
Nonchalantly, Stefan rocked back in his chair. "What are you talking about? Nothing happened. Everything's fine."
"Based on the amount of broken glass in here, I'd say everything's not fine." Damon tilted his head, pointing towards the mess.
Stefan looked over at it, and then back at Damon, shrugging his shoulders. "Oh that. I was just having a drink, and the bottle slipped out of my hands." He gave him a fake smile that indicated he was clearly lying then he turned his attention back to his journal.
"And the mirror? You can't tell me that was a slip." Damon knew all too well about explosive fits of anger. He'd thrown many a bottle himself. Hell he even snapped a few necks in a fit of rage, including Jeremy's. But Stefan was much more dangerous when he lost control. Losing control for him meant giving in to his blood lust, and when that happened, he left a trail of body parts in his wake. First the blood bags, then the journal entries, and now this. It was not a good sign of things to come.
"What do you want from me Damon? You want me to say everything is ok, and I forgive you both? Well it's not, and I don't, so I'd say I'm entitled to break a few things."
"I don't give a damn about what you break. And you can be pissed at me all you want, it wouldn't be the first time. Come on, you can even take a swing at me if it will make you feel better. But what I don't want is for you to go off the deep end. I promised you I'd be there to pull you back anytime you got too close to the edge, and that's what I'm trying to do here, so stop being a dick, and let me help you."
Stefan stood up quickly, grabbing Damon by the shirt, and slammed him to the floor before Damon knew what happened. Looking down at him, he said, through gritted teeth, "You want to help? You and Elena can have each other, but leave me the hell alone."
The force of the slam was strong enough to knock the wind out of Damon, reinforcing his suspicions about his brother's recent drinking habits. Animal blood made Stefan weaker than human blood. Clearly, Stefan had recently indulged in human blood. The question was, how much and from where? Damon had been keeping track of the supply they had in the basement, and it hadn't been touched since the other day when he'd found the trail of discarded bags littering the floor. He struggled to regain his breath, as Stefan kicked him in the ribs one last time, before taking his journal and storming off. The searing pain Damon felt when three of his ribs cracked from the kick made him moan, and his arms reflexively clutched his sides in a hug. Well, at least it wasn't a stake.
The following morning, Elena was standing at her locker, to drop off her coat and gather her books, before heading to class. She had just finished dialing the locker combination and opened the door, when she caught out of the corner of her eye, Caroline hurriedly approaching.
"Ugh, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. You're late," Caroline said with exasperation.
"Morning to you too Care."
"Did you happen to finish your history paper yet?"
Elena frowned, shaking her head. With everything that had happened between her and the Salvatores over the last few days, she hadn't even thought about her history paper. She cringed at the thought. "Damn, I completely forgot about it. When is it due again?"
"Um, tomorrow. Obviously you're not done either."
"No, actually I haven't even started it. I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight. What's the topic again?" Elena continued to gather her books in her arms then shut the locker to face Caroline, who was scowling back at her.
Caroline rolled her eyes. "Seriously Elena?" When Elena shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, Caroline stomped her foot in frustration, tossing her free hand up exaggeratedly. "Remember, the Reconstruction Era post Civil War? I'm not sure what I want to focus on. I was going to ask Stefan for help, but he missed class yesterday, and I can't reach him on his cell. Where is he anyway? Did he go out of town or something?"
Elena looked down awkwardly, trying to avoid eye contact with Caroline. "I uh…I'm not sure." Caroline cocked her head to the side quizzically. Elena finally raised her gaze to meet Caroline's. "We broke up over the weekend."
Immediately, Caroline's demeanor changed to sympathy mode. "Oh Elena, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"
"Um yeah…yeah I'm ok. But I'm kind of worried about Stefan. He didn't take it very well when I told him it was over."
"Wait, I'm sorry, I'm confused. You broke up with him?"
Elena nodded. "A lot of things have changed, and we've just grown apart."
Caroline's mouth dropped wide open aghast. "Elena, how could you break up with him? And why am I just now hearing about this?"
Elena let out a frustrated sigh, knowing full well the lecture she was facing from her friend. "Because I knew you'd react this way."
"Come on, I'm your best friend, maybe there was something I could have done to help. Look, I'll talk to him, straighten things out. Just tell me what happened."
"No, Care. It's over. I'm just not in love with him anymore."
Caroline whined, "Nooo, don't say that! Of course you're still in love with him. You spent all summer tracking him down, and you finally got him back. Don't give up now. You two are epic together."
It was Elena's turn to roll her eyes. Caroline had this annoying habit of referring to her relationship with Stefan as some epic love story, like they were living in a Disney fairy tale filled with 'rainbows and unicorns', as Damon would say. It wasn't as though Caroline didn't know about Stefan's dark side, and all the drama Elena had gone through with him because of it. Caroline just chose to ignore it. Stefan had helped her in the early days of her transition, so in Caroline's eyes, Stefan would never be anything other than her savior. Damon, on the other hand, would always be the scum of the Earth no matter how many times he'd saved her life. She would never see how much he had changed. "Caroline there's nothing you can do to change things. I've already told Stefan the truth about how I feel. I'm," she hesitated, "in love with Damon." The contorted look on Caroline's face was just the reaction Elena expected. Let the berating begin.
"What? No, no, no, no, no! You can't possibly be in love with Damon. He's…he's Damon!" Her hand shot up to her forehead, holding it like she suddenly had a horrible headache. "Oh…my…God. This can not be happening."
"Caroline…," Elena warned in irritation.
"Elena, I know you were attracted to his bad boy self when you were human, but it's not love. This is nothing more than the result of your heightened libido. That's all. Don't ruin what you and Stefan have over some narcissistic sociopath like Damon."
This was exactly the type of rant Elena had been trying to avoid. Caroline could be so annoying sometimes, Elena just wanted to scream. It wasn't just Elena's libido that was heightened. She found her tolerance for bullshit almost nil. "Stop it, just stop. It's not lust. I was in love with Damon before I turned, but I was afraid to admit it because I didn't want to hurt Stefan."
"Then why do it now? I'm sure, if you explain to him that this transition has your emotions all screwed up, he'll understand and take you back." Caroline's tone sounded more hopeful and pleading than nasty.
"I don't want to go back. What am I supposed to do lie to him? Live miserably, knowing I'm in love with someone else? I'm not doing that. It's not fair to him…and it's not fair to Damon either."
"Oh who cares about Damon's feelings?"
"I do! And I'm not going to argue with you about this anymore. It's done. It's my life. This is what I want."
"Elena…," Caroline whined.
"Caroline," Elena said, mocking her tone in annoyance. She let out a frustrated breath, quelling her anger. "I know you idolize Stefan, but this is the best thing for both of us, really. I'm setting him free, so he can find someone else."
Caroline's expression turned somber again, as she thought about the situation. "Stefan doesn't want anyone else. He wants you. Oh, he must be heartbroken. No wonder he has been avoiding everyone."
"Don't you think I know that Care? That's the point. I'm worried about him and so is Damon. He isn't taking this very well. Damon found a trail of empty blood bags the other day in the basement, and when he confronted Stefan, he acted like it was no big deal. He told Damon he had it under control, but we're worried he might snap."
"Well who could blame him?" Elena titled her head, giving Caroline a warning glance not to push her point any further. Reluctantly, Caroline conceded, "Ok, I'll try to reach him. Maybe I can help him get through this Ripper free. That's the least I could do for him after how much he helped me."
"Thank you. I appreciate it. He's barely speaking to Damon, and he's been avoiding me completely. He could use a friend he trusts right now."
Caroline gave a firm determined nod. "I'll swing by and check on him after school. Come on, we're going to be late for class." The two headed down the hall in silence.
It had been a long grueling day at school for Elena that just seemed to drag on and on. It started early with her confession to Caroline. Then there was the pop quiz in her French class she wasn't prepared for, followed by her math teacher calling on her to answer a question about an equation she clearly didn't know the answer to. It was obvious that she was completely distracted. She knew should've been paying attention, but all she could focus on was the situation with the Salvatores. After her conversation, or better yet, her interrogation by Caroline, Elena sent Damon a text message, letting him know Caroline would help them watch after Stefan. It was Damon's reply that had her concerned. He mentioned an 'incident' with Stefan last night that furthered his suspicions about Stefan's state of mind, but he didn't go into detail. Her mind raced with possibilities when he said he'd tell her the rest later. Hopefully, Caroline's positive attitude could get through to Stefan, show him things will get better, help him cope. Now that Care was on board, Elena could focus on Damon. And she knew just where to find him.
Elena strode up to the bar at the Grille, where Damon was seated in his usual spot next to the empty chair he reserved for Ric. Damon's loyalty ran deep, and he would never forget his best friend even in death. She hopped up on the bar stool next to him, and grabbed the shot of whiskey he was about to drink, right out of his hands, and emptied the glass. She slammed the glass down on the bar. "Ah, I needed that. What a day."
Damon starred at her, amused by her brazen behavior. She was underage, but that didn't stop her from polishing off his drink. He loved it when she was feisty. "Whoa, easy there." He looked over each shoulder, checking out the room. "Don't want to get busted for underage drinking by the sheriff."
She cocked her head at him and frowned in disbelief. "Seriously? The sheriff is my best friend's mom. I hardly think I'll get more than a stern talking to." She reached over and grabbed his other shot, slamming down that one too. She leaned in closer, whispering conspiratorially. "Besides, I'll tell her you were a bad influence on me."
Following her lead, he leaned closer, teasing her back. "Ha, nice try. She knows I can't compel you anymore."
"Who said anything about compulsion? All you have to do is use that not so subtle charm, and I lose all control," She said coyly, as she batted her eyes at him.
He hummed naughtily, with a smirk at her obvious flirtation, and down cast his eyes. Time to change the subject before they got carried away. "Soooo, you survived the Caroline inquisition?" When the bar tender wasn't looking, Damon grabbed a bottle of whiskey from behind the bar and poured them each another shot.
"Barely," she snorted before turning serious. "It's good that she knows though. Stefan needs a friend he can trust right now to help him. And he definitely doesn't trust either of us at the moment." She slammed back the drink in front of her. "So what happened with him last night?"
Damon rotated the glass in his hand, watching the liquid inside swirl around in a circle. Without looking away from the glass, he said, "After I left you, I stopped here for a bit before going home. When I got there, I wasn't even in the door yet, when I heard a crash coming from upstairs. I went to Stefan's room, and there he was writing calmly in his journal."
"I don't understand. If he was journaling then where did the noise come from?"
The glass in his hand stilled, and he half turned to look at Elena. "There was glass all over the floor from a bottle he'd thrown against the wall, and the bathroom mirror was smashed. When I questioned him about it, he got pissed, and slammed me to the floor so hard it knocked the wind out of me. Before he stormed off, he gave me a swift kick breaking my ribs." Damon tossed back his drink, wincing slightly at the burn he felt when he swallowed the liquid. "He was too strong to be on animal blood."
"I guess we shouldn't be too surprised. I mean we knew he drank all those blood bags you found."
"Except this time, the blood stash hadn't been touched. That means he's either stealing from the hospital's blood bank, which we would've heard about, or…"
The implication settled in her mind, and she felt her muscles tense. "He's feeding." Damon nodded solemnly. "Caroline said she was going to stop over to see him after cheerleading practice. Maybe it will help."
The grave tone in Damon's voice belied the optimism of his response. "Yeah maybe." He grabbed another full bottle of alcohol from behind the bar, but this time he reached for the Tequila. As he tucked the bottle under his jacket, he slid off the bar stool, brushing past Elena. "Well, if Barbie is going to be at the house, guess I'll make myself scarce for a while."
Elena bit her lip. "Need some company?"
He cocked a crooked smile back at her. "Sure. Why not?"
Thrilled, she hopped off the bar stool, but was stopped as she turned to leave by Damon's grasp on her arm. He handed her the bottle he had in his hand then reached over the bar and grabbed a bottle of vodka. The look on Elena's face was a mixture of bewilderment and amusement. He said, "What? If you're coming with me, we're going to need more alcohol." He leaned down, chiding, "You drink like a sailor."
A flash of their Georgia trip, when they'd barely known each other, came to mind. She shook her head and laughed, recalling his surprise at how good she was at holding her liquor. That was the first time since the accident, she'd felt like her old self. And it was the first glimpse she saw of a Damon she would eventually fall in love with.