A/N: I was so, so tempted to pull an April's Fool prank instead of posting this. But no worries, I decided not to. Pranking my COO was enough for the day.
(I am going to get fired one of these days)

At first, indeed, I pretended that I was describing the imaginary experiences of a fictitious person; but my enthusiasm soon forced me to throw off all disguise, and finally, in a fervent peroration, I exhorted all my hearers to divest themselves of prejudice and to become believers in the Third Dimension.
Need I say that I was at once arrested and taken before the Council?

Regaining consciousness felt a lot like trying to wake up from a dream you're having, except that the dream is in the dream and you're still sleeping. There were noises, too, but it was hard to tell whether they were coming from his own brain or somewhere outside. Slowly - very slowly, part of his mind still wondering if someone had taken the licence plate of the bulldozer that must have ran him over - Bill began grasping more than noises: he began hearing words.

"... You sure he's still alive? Can't even see if he's breathing."

"Not sure those like him actually have lungs. Relax. He's fine."

"Shouldn't be still unconscious. We didn't tase him for that long, did we? How high was the voltage?"

"No more than usual. Flatties are weaklings, that's all. Look, I think he just twitched."

"Nnh," Bill managed. Not what he wanted to say - that would have been something along the lines of 'everything hurts everywhere' and 'just five more minutes' - but still, close enough. Somewhere above him, there was a laugh.

"Told you he's fine. Hey, Flattie, time to wake up."

"What the- whoa !"

The sensation of being lifted wasn't pleasant in itself, but being lifted by the chain between his cuffed wrists was even worse. Bill's eye snapped open and he was about to protest, but the sudden, unbearable whiteness that assaulted his vision caused him to yelp instead. His world had always been mostly white, with some black and grays thrown in, but nothing before had been so bright. It made his eye hurt almost as much as it had when he had first seen colors.

"Where am I?" he gritted out.

"Third dimension, year 197̃012. And you're bowtie-deep in trouble, Flattie."

Wait. The Third Dimension? Had he really made it there?

Bill forced himself to crack his eye open again. For a moment, all he could see was whiteness; it was as though he was suspended into nothingness. Then he was able to put something into focus - the two figures standing before him, one of them effortlessly holding him up at arm's length - and for a moment he forgot how to speak.

He had seen the Sphere; he knew, thanks to his readings, that more figures made of layers of two-dimensional figures could be found - Cubes and Pyramids and Cones and who knew what else. That was what he had expected: three dimensional geometric figures. The beings he was looking at now, clad in green and gray, were… were...

"... What in the Circles are you?"

"We're part of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron," the one holding him up said haughtily. "Also known as-"

"You have color ? And what's your shape even called ?"

"... Time Police, and our mission… what?"

"He's pear shaped," his companion said with a snicker, earning himself a glare, but Bill wasn't listening: he could only stare. They had two eyes? What do you even do with twoeyes? And a separate mouth, and… what was that thing in the middle of the sort-of-spherical pink thing on top of some sort of stick? Why did it have two holes? What was the yellow fluff growing on top of it, and those handles on the sides, and-?

"We're humans, Flattie. If it's Spheres and stuff you're looking for, they're in an entirely different galaxy. What, did you think all dimensions are as small as that hole your world is? We- er. Okay, now this is getting weird. Quit trying to look up my nose."

"What's in there?"

"Empty space," the other being - human , was that it? - quipped. The one holding Bill up snorted.

"Oh, ha ha. Why don't you go make yourself useful and tell Time Baby that the Flattie is awake and ready for judgment? I was serious when I told you I've got a date after this shift. Pear-shaped or not," he added.

The other rolled his eyes - why two eyes? - and reached to touch something on his… that was a wrist, right? Had to be. Why were their arms and just plain everything else about them so freakishly big ? Bill stood a full eleven inches, and the tallest guy he had met until then stood little over twelve; these humans dwarfed by far even the Sphere, who had been at least fifteen inches tall.

"Are all of you humans this big?" Bill blurted out. In his wonder, he had pretty much forgotten all about his predicament; had it not been keeping him from reaching out and trying to grab the guy's weird appendages, he would have probably forgotten he was even handcuffed and suspended in the air.

The human snorted. "You have yet to see big. Unfortunately for you, Flattie, you're about to meet him."

Bill frowned, some annoyance leaking in through the sense of wonder. He kicked his dangling legs, knowing it was useless - the guy was holding him too far for him to reach anything, much less his body. "Meet who? And quit calling me that! I've got a name, you kno-"

"WILLIAM NORMAN CIPHER."

… Okay, now that was taking it just a bit too far. Bill would have protested, hadn't he been a little too distracted by a few other things.

First of all, the human dropped him, and the meeting with the floor wasn't fun. Then, as soon as he managed to lift himself up on his knees, his hands still cuffed, he realized that the floor of… whatever that endless whiteness was had opened, and something was emerging, much like the Sphere had back in his dimension. Something a lot bigger than anything he had ever seen until then.

And it did not look friendly, if the pair of red eyes fixed on him were anything to do by.

Okay, okay. Play it cool, Cipher. Play it cool. Don't make them mad .

"I prefer Bill," he said. The frown on the being's face deepened.

Can't start this over, can I?

"YOU ARE WANTED BY ALL IN YOUR DIMENSION. YOU VIOLATED THE LAWS OF SPACE AND TIME. YOU VERY NEARLY CAUSED A TIME PARADOX. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"

"Huh. Well, the matter is actually kinda complicated, but I was just trying-"

"SILENCE!"

"What? But you literally just asked-"

"MAKE IT QUICK - I HAD TO INTERRUPT MY BEAUTY NAP TO COME JUDGE YOU AND THAT MAKES ME CRANKY."

"Well, don't think it was working anyway, so-"

The sound that followed was something that seemed both a wail and a roar, just a billion times louder, and then by blinding light. Bill shut his eye with a yelp, holding up his cuffed arms to shield it, and felt himself being lifted up. When he dared peer through his fingers he realized he was almost at the same eye level, sustained by some sort of light ray coming from that… thing's forehead. It was even uglier seen up close and really, which eye was he supposed to look into?

"CIPHER!" the being - Time Baby, wasn't it how they had called him? Didn't really look like a baby, but then again he looked like nothing he had seen before - boomed, lifting his arms. "YOU ARE GUILTY OF DISRUPTING THE FLOW OF TIME. DO YOU DENY IT?"

"No, but look, if you just let me explain-"

"AND YOU ARE ALSO GUILTY OF INTERRUPTING MY NAP!"

"... Seriously?"

"FOR THE DISRUPTION OF THE TIME FLOW AND OF MY NAP, TWO OF THE WORST CRIMES UNDER MY RULE, I SENTENCE YOU TO TWENTY SQUARED LIFE SENTENCES IN THE INFINETENTIARY. THE COURT IS ADJOURNED."

Bill blinked. "Wait, what? What court? There is no court here! This wasn't even a trial, you dumb ba- hey!" Bill trailed off with a yelp when he realized that the ray was gone, and nothing was keeping him up in the air anymore.

The whiteness rushed up to meet him, and then turned black.

"You hear your fate," said the Sphere to me, while the Council was passing for the third time the formal resolution. "Death or imprisonment awaits the Apostle of the Gospel of Three Dimensions."

As it turned out, the Infinetentiary was a prison. Big bleedin' surprise.

That may not have worried Bill too much, because prison was better than death and escaping it still a possibility. What did worry him was noticing, as he was carried to his cell - still kind of dizzy from the fall, but at least awake and aware - that each and every other prisoner he could see was far, far bigger than himself. Most of them looked a lot like the ones who called themselves the Time Police, though he noticed several beings that were… something else, though he wasn't totally sure what they were.

So he was in prison, surrounded by beings a lot bigger and stronger than himself, his form and lack of color form making him stick out like a sore thumb. That wasn't exactly how he had planned his visit to the Third Dimension to end up.

"Look, you're making a mistake," Bill tried again, attempting to break free from a guard's grasp. Not that it was of any use, since his feet weren't even touching the ground and the guy seemed not to notice at all. "C'mon, guys? Chums? If you just give me the time to explain-"

"Negative. Time is not to be wasted on criminals," the guard cut him off, reaching the entrance of one of the cells. It was mostly dark, but through the transparent screen at the door Bill could barely make out something glowing in it, like low-burning fire.

"No tricks and no eating your cell mate , scum, or you'll be sorry we didn't disintegrate you when we could," a second guard warned, then he gave some sort of vocal order, and he buzzing electric fence that had been blocked the door disappeared. The guard who had been holding Bill uncerimoniously threw him in.

"HEY!" Bill yelped as he landed on the cold metal floor, eye down. That was happening aggravatingly often, lately. "Seriously, guys? What in the-"

"OMIGOSH, LOOK AT YOU! SO TINY!"

The screech was so loud it very nearly put Time Baby's voice to shame, and twice as grating, but Bill didn't even have the time to register as much: the next moment someone was grabbing him - again - and lifting him up - again - so he would find himself staring at something he had never seen before - again .

At least he couldn't complain he was having a dull day.

The thing staring at him looked somewhat similar to the humans he had met, with the same overall shape and odd fluff on top of her head, except that she seemed to be a much brighter pink than those he had seen, with a much bigger mouth that was now open in a grin, showing huge mismatched teeth. She also had some huge appendages on her head the humans lacked, and she only had one eye. Bill could have appreciated that last detail, if anything because he didn't need to try figuring out which eye he should look at, but there was another thing he noticed and that worried him more than a little.

"... Hey, lady. Are you aware you're on fire?"

That resulted with her giving a howling laugh. "Aww, what charmer! Shame I heard that so many times, sugar! You'll need to think up a better one!"

Wait.

"No, I mean… you're literally on fire," Bill said, looking at the white flames rippling over her arms and legs. How come her touch wasn't burning him, come to think of it?

She seemed to completely ignore his remark, and gave him a wide grin. "You're so cute I could eat you whole!" she announced, and opened her maw. What the...?

"Wait! Wait! I taste horrible!"

"Hey!" A voice came from outside. "What did I just say? No eating your cell mate! Don't make me use the taser!"

Her mouth closed with a snap, and she gave him a look that might have been somewhat apologetical. "Oh, sorry! I got carried away! You're just so adorable, I could squish-"

"How 'bout you put me down instead?" Bill was quick to suggest, knowing that she probably could proceed to do just that, possibly with fatal consequences. Still, for the first time that day, he found he was more curious than frustrated, or furious, or worried, or just plain terrified. She was the first friendly person he had met since leaving his dimension behind, that was for sure. Attempt at eating him and all.

"Oh, sure," she said, and dropped him on the lower bunk of a bunk bed at the far end of the room. A softer landing the others, at least.

From outside, came the guard's gruff voice. "Good. Behave, both of you," he said, and left without another word, but both of them just ignored him. She sat next to him, making the mattress' springs groan, and grinned again.

"Sorry 'bout that. Name's Pyronica."

"Bill Cipher," Bill said, reaching up to tip his hat out of habit, but of course it was gone: he must have lost it when the Time Police had tackled him. He settled for straightening his bowtie. "At your service."

"Aww, a gentleman! So, where are you from? You're a weirdo, if I say so myself!"

I like this one. He's weird!

Perhaps it wouldn't be too crazy to think you might take it a few steps further. You're weird enough to do it - Irregular as I am, just as unfit for this world, but they can't see it. An undercover Irregular, if you will. It is a good cover you have. Don't shed it.

Except that he had shed it, and it had turned out not to be such a great idea. Ah well. Since the mask was down, he figured he may as well embrace it.

"I get that a lot," Bill finally said. "Second Dimension. Nothing very interesting about it," he added. Even thinking about his homeworld made something in him boil in anger and bitterness, and he'd rather leave it at that. Best not to think of how, if only he had known what awaited, he would have let the Circles have the coordinates and go on with their plan. They would be in that place now instead of him, never to return to their world. But how could he know? How could anyone know?

Make it worth something.

Tough luck there, Nora. Sucks to be both of us.

"Where are you from?" he asked, chasing the thought from his mind. "Never seen any other dimensions before I landed in this one, and Time Baby didn't really let me look around before throwing me in here."

"Oh, I'm from Dimension 47! Not a bad place, though it's kinda boring. Or at least it was last time I was there - got kicked out. I tried to shake things up, but people there are so touchy !" Pyronica huffed, throwing her arms up. "Lots of touchy people everywhere, really. Eat a crown and a couple of world leaders, and everyone ruffles their feathers. It was either leaving or going to prison, anyway. Got some trouble in Dimension 35, too, and in Dimension 19, though that wasn't really my fault. Sort of. Maybe only twenty percent? And I was totally innocent in Dimension 33. Anyway, moving through dimensions without permission wasn't really legal, but they never caught me until I was dumb enough to mess with time and… wasn't your pupil a lot smaller a moment ago?" she asked, then turned smug. "What is it? See something you like, or did you sniff up some soma?"

He didn't pay any attention to her remark - what was soma anyway? - and just stared. His disgust for his own dimension and disappointment over this new one were entirely forgotten. "Just how many dimensions are there?" Bill asked, eye wide. There had been speculation, of course, that there could be even more dimensions past the Third one - but to know it for a fact, and to know there were so many more, was something he had been unprepared for.

There is something out there, something so much bigger than you or I could even imagine. A whole universe of possibilities, and some chosen can even visit it .

Unaware of his thoughts, Pyronica reached up to scratch one of her horns. "I know of 69. May be more, though. There are some no one was able to even get in touch with, and-"

"Tell me about the ones you've seen," Bill cut her off. She laughed.

"Sure thing, cutie. Anything in particular you wanna know?"

Bill leaned forward. "Everything. I want to know everything ," he said. As long as he knew there was more out there, as long as he could learn more, being in a prison didn't really matter. It was a setback, sure, but nothing more. He had escaped one dimension, and he could do it again.

It was only a matter of time .

I must be sentenced to perpetual imprisonment; but if the Truth intended that I should emerge from prison and evangelize the world, the Truth might be trusted to bring that result to pass.

For the next several days, Pyronica did little other than talking and Bill did little other than listening. When not listening, he was asking questions.

"So, Time Baby took over this planet after being frozen in… how do you call that again?"

"Antarctic. I think. Someplace that got melted a long time ago, anyway. I heard this planet used to different before that happened, but it may be just stories. Have I mentioned how freaky it is that your eye is also a mouth? That, and how you're black and white."

"Eighteen times," Bill said after gulping down some of the… whatever that food was. Slop was a way to describe it. "Well, explains why he doesn't look like the humans do. And this planet is one of eight around a single star? And that is where light comes from?"

"Seven. There was a bit of an accident with Venus. They call it Solar System, but there are lots of others, and lots of galaxies made of them. Bet the Sphere you told me about lives in one of those. This is by far the biggest of all dimension. Sucks that we're stuck here, 'cause it would be fun to explore."

Tell me about it, Bill thought, letting his gaze wander around the huge, gray room where they had their meals. The other prisoners looked less than reassuring, but there were plenty of empty chairs around him and Pyronica: they seemed to fear her, and as a consequence they also steered clear of him . Kind of reassuring, that. Most of them looked like they could give him a hard time, especially guys like… wait, where those two ugly mugs coming straight at them?

"GUYS!" Pyronica shrilled, causing Bill to recoil and very nearly spill the slop all over his bowtie. "You're out of isolation! That lasted forever ! Come over here!"

The ugly mugs in question grunted, and wasted no time in sitting next to them. One of them was a large green… thing, with chains linking his wrists and ankles together, and eyes that were nothing but black spheres with what looked much like an 8 where his pupils should have been. The other was much smaller - actually not that much bigger than Bill - but the glowing red eyes and horns didn't make him look much more reassuring than his companion.

Had he not been focused on them, Bill would have noticed most other prisoners at their same table had shifted slightly away. Pyronica, on the other hand, seemed elated. "Guys, this is Bill Cipher, straight from the Second Dimension. Bill, these are my buddies 8 Ball and Paci-Fire - straight from solitary confinement!"

8 Ball turned his huge head to him and grunted in greeting. Paci-Fire, on the other hand, glared at him.

"I have slaughtered millions on thousands moons," he announced.

Bill blinked. "That's... nice?"

"That's his way to say hi," Pyronica helpfully supplied. "I think he likes you."

Paci-Fire leaned over Bill. "Millions," he repeated, his voice a growl. Okay, Bill thought, now he was just showing off.

"And what were they? Mosquitoes?"

That caused Pyronica to laugh, and 8 Ball to… well, that did sound kinda like a laugh, too. Paci-Fire's scowl deepened.

"Want me to show you, little guy?"

"Says the guy with a pacifier. I grew out of that a couple of decades ago."

"Not scaring him so easily, Paci," Pyronica warned with a grin. "This one's tough. He talked back to Time Baby!"

The frown melted away into an expression of pure surprise. Paci-Fire reared back slightly. "You did? And you're still alive?"

Bill lifted his hands. "That, or you're seeing a ghost."

There was a guwaffing laugh. "Hah! Not bad for a Flattie," Paci-Fire conceded, sitting back. "Teeth n' Keyhole won't be out of solitary until next week," he told Pyronica. "Keyhole stole a set of keys and Teeth almost bit a guard's hand off when he tried to take it back. Guess we can do without them, though. Had your official introduction yet, Bill?"

"Huh?"

"A prison brawl!" Pyronica exclaimed, eye brightening. "I was waiting for you guys to be back - some backup never hurts, right?"

"Ain't one of us until you start a prison brawl," 8 Ball grunted, pushing his bowl of slop towards Bill. "Got the guts to do it?"

Of course, it was a stupid idea. Bill was much smaller than anyone else in there. Starting a prison brawl was by far the dumbest, most unreasonable thing he could possibly do.

So, why the heck not?

"PRISON BRAWL!"

It was kinda funny, really, how yelling that and throwing a bowl of slop on one of the guards had been enough to make the whole place descend into chaos. And, of course, thechaos part was even funnier.

Through the cacophony of shouts, roars, crashes and screams, almost no one heard Bill's laughter in the midst of it all.

"I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE!"

Prometheus up in Spaceland was bound for bringing down fire for mortals, but I-poor Flatland Prometheus-lie here in prison for bringing down nothing to my countrymen. Yet I exist in the hope that these memoirs, in some manner, I know not how, may find their way to the minds of humanity in Some Dimension, and may stir up a race of rebels who shall refuse to be confined to limited Dimensionality.