Just a warning that chapter does have content that could be triggering.
Fucking Hux.
Now he's got Dopheld Mitaka, that idiot, living next door with Finn, while Poe Dameron's living across the dorm with Snap Wexley. And the only person who drives Ben crazier than Hux is Mitaka, because at least Hux is somewhat intelligent. Mitaka is a follower through and through, the kind of kid Ben can see following drinking poisoned Kool-Aid someday. Hopefully not Hux's Kool-Aid. Even Phasma can't stand Mitaka.
And Mitaka is constantly in his room and in his space now, and Ben just wants to grab the boy by the throat. It's maddening.
"How can he be such a clean freak about his body but not about his room?" Mitaka complains after Ben showers, trying and failing to scrub Snoke away.
Ben's throat constricts, and he heads back into the bathroom, gripping the sink because he doesn't want to look at Mitaka or Hux, and he's trying not to smoke any weed right now. He can't let his grades sink any further.
But he's also lost all motivation to study.
"You okay?" ventures Finn.
Ben cringes and lets go of the sink. "Yeah. I'm fine."
Finn raises his eyebrows as if impressed with Ben's calm response. He doesn't see Ben digging his nails into his palms, scratching and scraping.
"How do you live with him?" Ben asks, jerking his head towards his door. Mitaka's nasally laughter slides into the bathroom.
Finn shakes his head. "It's not easy." He washes his hands. "If you want to spend some time in my room, at least until Mitaka leaves yours, you're welcome to."
Ben stares at Finn, everything inside him aching to say yes, to maybe find out what it's like to have friends. But he shakes his head. "Thanks, though," he mutters.
Finn shrugs. "Suit yourself. Just don't go smoke up your room, okay? I hate that smell."
"What are you, a pure little cinnamon roll?" Ben asks, rolling his eyes, scraping the barrel to be mean because he wants to be nice.
Finn stops in the doorway. "You don't know a thing about me, Ben."
"You're so right," he agrees, holding up his hand and counting down with his fingers. "Your name's Finn, you're seventeen, you're dating Poe, you're friends with Rey and the rest of that group, and you play soccer. There."
Finn laughs. Ben smiles.
"You should eat lunch or dinner with us sometime," Finn says. "Instead of eating by yourself or with Phasma." He makes a gagging sound.
With Rey? Her small tutoring sessions have been paying off. Ben hasn't flunked a French quiz in the past couple weeks. "Maybe. We'll see."
Finn shrugs. "Good night."
The next morning, buoyed by his brief conversation with Finn, as they wait for math to start, Ben asks Rey how her meetings with his uncle are going.
"Pretty well!" Rey gushes. "He's so nice, and he's really smart, and it's just—good. I can't believe he asked me. No one's ever chosen me for anything like that in my life."
Uncle Luke didn't choose her, not really. But Ben would never tell her that. "Has he talked to you about your grandfather at all?"
She shakes her head. "I want to ask, but I'm—I haven't."
She's wearing green, and it brings out the moss-colored flecks in her eyes. Ben swallows. "You know our grandfathers were close? My grandfather was in the first graduating class at this school. When Qui-Gon Jinn retired, your grandfather hired mine."
"Really?" Rey gapes at him like he's an angel revealing a heavenly message.
"Yeah," he says. "They had a falling out, though. Eventually." Their teacher enters the classroom, and Ben refocuses his attention. Sort of. He can feel her watching him, and he likes how it feels.
"All this work's not keeping you too busy, I hope?" Mr. Skywalker asks as Rey helps Artoo sort through the historical files. She likes seeing her grandfather's name printed on the yellowing paper.
"Nope," Rey says.
"How's soccer going?"
Rey glances up and grins. "Really good. I mean, okay, we lost our past two games, but if we win this weekend, we get to travel with the boys' team for that tournament."
"In which case she'll be needing a week off," Artoo puts in.
"I don't know how I'd survive without you," Mr. Skywalker says dramatically, and then laughs. "Yes, of course. Good luck to you all."
"Thanks." Rey pauses. "Mr. Skywallker?"
"Yes?"
"I was taking to Ben today… your nephew. And he said that our grandfathers'—mine and Ben's—were friends."
"Well, they were," Mr. Skywalker confirms. "For a time." He spins on his heel and enters his office. Rey flinches.
"Luke loved your grandfather," Artoo tells her. "It's a painful subject for him."
"I just wanted to—"
"I know," Artoo says gently. "Rey, when Leia and Luke enrolled at this school, they didn't even know Anakin was their father."
"What?" Rey shakes her head. "How is that possible?"
"Their mother was in a car accident while she was pregnant. The doctors saved Luke and Leia, but not her, and and it devastated Anakin. He gave them both up for adoption, and even though they were adopted separately, they both wound up back here." Artoo's lips form a smile. "How's that for truth being stranger than fiction?"
"Pretty strange," Rey agrees, her mind whirling.
"What are you so antsy about?" Snoke demands as Ben hands over the memo he's been drafting for Snoke.
"I'm not," he says, even as his eyes skip over to the clock hanging behind Snoke's desk.
"What's on your mind?" Snoke rises from behind his desk, coming over and gripping Ben's chin, peering into his eyes like he's reading his mind.
"I was just… hoping to go to the soccer game tonight," Ben mumbles.
"To see the girls play?" Snoke's eyebrows rise.
"Everyone's going. Uncle Luke let Rey skip today even though it's a Thursday," Ben says, his heart pounding.
"Your uncle and I are two entirely different people, thank whatever gods do or don't exist," Snoke snaps, letting go of Ben's face.
"You're better than he is at mentoring, I'm sure," Ben insists, even though he's not sure. Well, maybe he is. His uncle isn't exactly a person Ben likes to be around. Incompetent for sure.
"Hm." Snoke runs his hand down Ben's back, lower and lower. "You can go."
Ben blinks. "I can?"
"Yes." Snoke waves his hand. "But you have to do something for me first."
When Ben leaves fifteen minutes later, all he wants to do is throw up and shower, chug mouthwash, but he can hear the cheers of his classmates from all of the way across campus. Rey's playing.
He heads over to the field anyways. He can get rid of Snoke later. Once he's there he stands back on by the bleachers, scanning the field for any sign of Rey.
"Time out," Poe says from behind him. Ben jumps. "You wanna sit with us?"
Ben nods and follows Poe into the overly crowded bleachers towards when Finn and Snap sit. Poe grabs Finn's hand.
"What's the score?" Ben asks.
"Zip, zip," Finn tells him. "Good to see you here."
Ben wraps his arms around himself and doubles over to avoid the jabbing foot of whoever is sitting behind him. He doesn't want anybody to touch him. Not right now.
Rey jogs back out onto the field, listening to something Jess Pava yells at her. Ben can't make out her face, but he can see that her hair's pulled up in three buns but mussed from running, and the way her shorts cling to her legs. Stop, he orders himself.
"Wahoo! Go, Rey!" Finn shouts, cupping his hands over his mouth. Ben glances at him, wishing he could cheer for her like that. But it'd be strange, and he doesn't like the sound of his voice that much.
"Go Jess!" hollers Poe.
The referee blows the whistle and the players surge after the ball. Ben notices his uncle across the field and realizes he's giving Ben a thumbs-up, as if to say congratulations on socializing like a normal teenager.
You don't want to be an ordinary teenager, Mr. Snoke once scoffed. That's a gateway to an ordinary life. An ordinary life isn't one worth living.
Ben's eyes follow Rey as she races up and down the field, passing to Jess, and then the other team, dressed in neon yellow that makes them look like traffic signs, steals it back and scores. Poe groans.
"Shit," Finn says.
Phasma looks pissed. Jess manages to score within moments of the game starting again, though, and this time even Ben cheers with the rest of the students. Their voices, at least, drown his out.
"Shit," Finn says again. "Jess is limping."
She is. Ben presses his lips together as the coach calls her over. Whatever Jess says, the coach agrees to keep her in the game.
"Phew," Poe says, wrapping his arm around Finn's shoulder and leaning his head against Finn's neck.
Phasma manages to steal the ball from one of the other players and charges down the field. The other team drives her out of bounds, but when she throws it back in, she throws it straight to Rey.
Whose foot meets the ball in mid-air, sending it flying into the opposing team's goal.
"Yeah!" Finn screams, pumping his fist as Phasma high-fives Rey.
"Hooray!" yelps Beebee-Ate.
"Rey!" Ben cheers her name, his heart thumping.
Ten minutes of amazing defense later, and the game's over and Jedi Academy students swarm the field, drawing Ben with them. Energy bounces off of hundreds of people.
"Don't you want to congratulate Rey?" Beebee-Ate asks Ben with a mischievous smile.
Ben narrows his eyes at the freshman. "Watch it, kid." But his tone's lighter than normal, happier, and Beebee-Ate snickers and pushes Ben towards the team.
"Finn! Poe!" Rey shouts, throwing her arms around them.
"You were amazing!" Poe gushes.
"Incredible!" Finn agrees.
"You're the school's new hero," Beebee-Ate proclaims.
"I'm impressed," Ben says. "I—you were awesome. Good job."
Poe and Finn exchange a nod as if to give Ben's comment a rating of acceptable.
"Thanks," Rey breathes, her hair soaked with sweat. She lunges at Ben and wraps an arm around him in a quick hug. Ben stiffens and hates himself for it, because he wants to relax, he wants to embrace her back. She smells like wet grass and vanilla, and Ben lifts his arm, wrapping around her too.
She lifts her face and smiles at him, a strand of hair stuck to her forehead. Ben wishes he could brush it off.
Rey lets go, and Ben swallows.
"We'll all be going to the tournament together now," Poe exclaims.
All of them. Ben deflates. He's not a part of their group of friends. You don't belong here.
Finn glances at the jubilant people all around him, wearing an expression that hits uncomfortably close to how Ben feels.
"You okay?" Rey asks Finn.
"Yeah." He nods. "We'll be facing my old school, there."
"So you'll get to say hi to all your old friends," Rey says.
Finn opens his mouth and closes it, nodding. "Yeah. Yeah, exactly."
But Finn's gulping repeatedly, as if the idea of meeting people from his home school is the last thing he wants, and Ben wonders what exactly Finn's keeping from Rey and Poe.
It's not your business. He turns to go.
"Wait, Ben!" Rey calls, catching his arm. "Thanks. For encouraging me to try out with Phasma and all, and for suggesting ibuprofen."
He smirks. "Science outdoes old wives' tales yet again."
She scowls, but her eyes sparkle with a hidden grin. She says something in French.
"Say that again?' Ben requests.
She shakes her head. "We've got a lot more work to do."
"Hey, I haven't failed."
"True. You can do better, though." She pauses. "Thanks for coming. It—I appreciate it."
Ben only nods, but he heads back to his dorm with a smile spreading across his face. When Hux offers him some weed, he turns his roommate down.
Right now, he doesn't even feel Snoke.
Just tell them before they find out.
But Finn can't. He doesn't want to Poe or Rey or Snap or anyone to think badly of him. And they would. How could they not? Only Maz and Lando know and still think he's worth something.
And he can't bear the thought of losing the respect he has here.
But it's going to happen sooner rather than later. They're going to find out. And then what? Will they believe him? Will Poe break up with him?
He should ask for an extra appointment with Maz, but he knows what she'll say, what she'll encourage him to do, and he can't.
"Shut your fucking alarm off!" Mitaka grouses at Finn when it goes off at five in the morning two weeks later. Finn grabs his backpack, weighted with biology, Spanish, math, and history textbooks and notebooks. He almost wishes he would throw his back, anything to get out of this.
You can't.
Finn's never been brave. That's how he got into this mess in the first place. Although, to be fair, he doubts anyone in the school's administration would have believed him if he's protested his innocence. The easiest thing to do was to simply admit to it.
He thought his friends would stay his friends, then. Nines and Slip and all of them. He thought they'd appreciate him covering for them.
Instead, they refused to talk to him but relished in gossiping about him. When he was expelled, Finn was relieved.
You're a coward.
He knows, and he wants to run.