"Did you hear about Finn?" Phasma announces as they wait for Lor San Tekka to start class.
Finn shakes his head as Poe casts him an anxious look. A hungover Rey stares at her desk, her notebook not even open.
"Well, Hux," Phasma intones dramatically. "Let me tell you what we found out."
"What is your problem?" Rey groans.
"Not drinking," Phasma snarks.
"Leave her alone," Finn snarls. Poe told him what happened last night, and Finn kind of wants to punch Ben in the face. Not that he can.
"So anyways, Hux," Phasma continues, snapping gum.
"Good morning!" Mr. San Tekka crows as he comes through the door. "Today we'll be discussing the rise of fascism in Europe following the first World War…"
It'll be all over the school by lunch, Finn knows. He tries to tell himself it doesn't matter, that he doesn't care, but he does.
Poe reaches under the desk and grasps Finn's hand, squeezing it. And then Poe nods at Rey, and Finn takes it upon himself to jab her awake.
"I hate myself," Rey mumbles when the period ends. "I'm so sorry, guys. Thanks for helping last night, Poe."
"Not a problem," Poe assures her.
Beebee-Ate joins them for lunch, glancing at Finn with sad eyes. "I'm sorry everyone's being mean."
Finn sighs. "Thanks, Beebee-Ate."
Rey picks at her food, only putting two apple slices in her mouth.
"Hey, Finn!" calls Mitaka as they leave the cafeteria. "I didn't know you were such a hardcore criminal!"
Finn ducks around the corner and runs straight into another body. "Sorry!"
"Don't worry about it," Mr. Skywalker says, cocking his head and studying Finn.
"I say," rasps Mr. Snoke beside Mr. Skywalker. "I wouldn't have thought that to be the type of thing you brag about, Finn. Unless, of course, you're proud of it?"
Finn shakes his head. "No, sir."
"Some people from his old school were jerks about it," Poe puts in. "At the tournament."
"Language," Mr. Snoke scolds, like a parent telling a two year old not to have a second cookie. "And if it's the truth, Mr. Dameron, you can hardly feel justified in calling them that."
"Yeah, but—" Poe starts, but Finn shakes his head. It's not worth it.
Poe sighs.
Mr. Skywalker studies Finn. His hand skims Finn's shoulder. "If you feel as if you're being bullied, Finn, you can always come and talk to me. We'll see that it stops."
Another adult who cares about him. Finn's heart lifts. "Thank you, sir. Mr. Skywalker."
Mr. Skywalker nods and follows Mr. Snoke down the corridor.
The day Ben's suspension ends and he enters health class, Rey gives him a tiny smile. She doesn't hate me.
Finn and Poe glare at him, though. They just might.
Mr. Ackbar launches into the dangers of teenage pregnancy, and Ben can hear Poe whispering witty commentary behind him. Ben wonders how Rey feels about this stupid conversation.
Uncle Luke didn't notice his missing wine. Well, he hasn't noticed yet. Ben just hopes he's not around whenever he does notice. You need to pull it together, he tells himself. Focus on school. Stop with everything else.
Hux whispers something to Phasma, and she laughs. From what Ben knows, both of them have had sex before, with people Ben's never even met, but he's never done it. Not of his own volition, and not with a girl.
Probably because you can't get a girlfriend even if you tried.
He wonders if Rey feels the same way, as if she's trapped and useless and damaged now.
We're alike, you and I, he thinks. Except she's far braver than he is, to say it out loud, to bare her scars for him to see.
During their next tutoring session, Rey clears her throat. "About the other night—"
"I won't say anything," Ben insists. "I promise."
"Thanks. I know you won't."
She trusts me. His heart lifts.
Rey shoves his French book at him. "Read this. Out loud."
Ben withdraws over the next few weeks, trying to prove himself to Mr. Snoke, trying to prove himself to his parents even though he doesn't know why, to Finn and Poe even. His tutoring sessions with Rey go well, and he might even call her a friend, although he's too shy to ask for her number. He even fights with Hux less and helps that freshman they hang with—Beebee-Ate—when Phasma taunts him again.
A few more months, Ben repeats each time Snoke puts his hands on his body. Just a few more months.
It's fine, it's fine. It's fine.
Until the day in early December when Snoke calls him into his office and, for the first time, Ben sees something akin to embarrassment on the principal's face. Snoke pinches his lips, and there's a jarring twinge of rose on his usually pallid face.
"We're going on a small trip today," Snoke announces, jangling his keys.
"Um—okay," Ben stammers. "Where?"
"I'll tell you when we're in the car."
As they're driving, Ben's nerves clash with each other until he finally erupts. "Where are—"
"There's a doctor about ten minutes from here who you should see," Snoke informs him. "I made you an appointment."
"What? Why?" Ben gapes at him. He hasn't buckled his seatbelt and he has no intention of doing so. Heat creeps up the back of his neck.
"Because," Snoke begins, voice prim and commanding at the same time, shadows and fire. "I recently received a report from my physician about a… problem."
"What kind of problem?" Ben demands, even though Ackbar's words are ringing in his ears and he wants to vomit.
"Something I must have contracted on one of my business trips." Snoke glances at him.
Ben doesn't care that Snoke is driving, he doesn't care about his own life—he thrusts both of his arms at his principal, his mentor, and the car swerves.
"Stop it!" Snoke bellows, his own arm snaking out to strike Ben in the chest. "You ungrateful little—"
"I can't—you could have given me—"
"You're pathetic," Snoke snarls. "Yes, maybe. But I'm telling you, not leaving you in the dark. I'm getting you treatment for it, and I will pay for everything if you need help. This clinic doesn't ask questions. It's where most of your knocked up classmates go."
Ben gulps in air. It scrapes his throat. He can't believe this. Is this how Rey felt when she stole that car? Like terror was clay petrifying in her veins?
"I'm helping you," Snoke says again.
At least he's not as bad as that Plutt character, Ben tells himself. Still, tears burn at the back of his eyes, and he doesn't want Snoke to see him cry.
"In all fairness," Snoke says. "You didn't tell me about your substance abuse issues."
"It's not an issue. I was just experimenting."
"Call it what you like," Snoke says, voice cold.
Was it an issue? Ben's not sure. He hasn't touched Hux's still plentiful supply of pot since getting suspended, or alcohol since the night Rey got drunk. He's trying, dammit.
And it's all for nothing.
Ben bites his cheeks so hard he tastes blood. It's the only way he can keep from screaming.
He needs Snoke, and Snoke's destroying him.
Snoke makes him go into the clinic alone, just with enough cash to cover everything. The exam humiliates him and when he gets a call three days later, he hits himself so hard he can barely move his knee. Someone notice. Someone see.
No one does, so Ben emails Snoke and makes sure to put in some accusatory language. Apparently you did give me it.
"It's not a big deal," Snoke reassures him as he drives Ben to get treated. "Just a shot and antibiotics. It's curable."
"Should I thank you for not giving me something incurable?" Ben snaps, and even though he's driving, Snoke backhands Ben across the face.
"My apologies," Snoke says as he pulls to the side of the street. Ben gapes at him, the man who was always there for him. "I am sorry, Ben, but your ungrateful attitude is really…" His voice trails off, because he doesn't need to finish.
Isn't that just what Ben's parents always accuse him of? Being ungrateful.
"You know," Snoke says when Ben leaves the clinic, clutching the stupid pamphlets and condoms the doctor gave him. "I don't know if I should mentor you anymore."
It's the thing Ben wants to hear, and it's everything he doesn't want to hear. Because he knows what everyone will think. And because once again, he's a failure, and now everyone will know.
"Your applications are already out," Snoke adds. "I don't think you have any further need of me."
Ben runs out of the car and into his dorm room, where he throws that brochure and the condoms on the bed and jumps into the shower, where the water stabs at his face and he can pretend he's not sobbing.
When he steps out of the shower, he finds Hux sitting at his desk, book in hand and a smirk on his face. "Having lady problems?"
"What?" Cold scorches his stomach.
Hux nods at the brochure and condoms on his bed. "Having problems with the girl who lives in Jakku?"
He read it.
Worse than people talking about him, now they'll be talking about Rey, and they'll know and she'll know, and nobody will really know. Ben lunges at Hux and grabs him by the throat. "Don't ever say that again!"
Hux gags. "Let me go!"
Ben releases him, and Hux shoves him back, coughing.
He's entirely at Hux's mercy, and he hates it. He hates Hux, and he hates himself. "Don't tell anyone," he manages.
"Are you planning on strangling me again anytime soon?" Hux demands.
Ben shakes his head. He could apologize. He doesn't.
I am being torn apart.
"I won't," Hux promises. He hesitates. "They can cure you of that, right?"
"Yeah." They can't cure him of his memories, though, or reality.
"Hey Dad, it's me. I was just calling to… to say hi." Poe exhales. "Give me a call when you can, okay?" He hesitates. "I miss you. Bye."
Throwing his phone onto his bed, Poe stomps out of his room, heading for Finn's. His father barely talks to him anymore, and Poe's torn between wanting to cry and wanting to howl at the man that his wife might be dead, but he's still got a frickin' son.
"No," Poe hears Finn saying as Poe opens the door to find Mitaka facing off against Finn.
"What the hell is going on?" Poe demands.
"Finn's just being a baby," Mitaka snips, gesturing to a paper bag on his bed. "For after the Christmas banquet. We're not going to get caught."
"I told you, I don't want it in my room," Finn says. "Tell Phasma or someone else to hide it with them."
"It's not a big deal," Mitaka scoffs.
"Not for you," Finn retorts.
"Oh, that's right, you're a criminal," Mitaka says. "Dude, what does it matter if you get caught and get expelled? No college would admit—"
"Shut up," Poe orders, stepping closer to the pathetic boy, who steps back, eyes widening. He notices Ben schlepping by the open door, head down.
"I'm keeping it and there's nothing you can do," Mitaka taunts, turning around. "Fags."
"What did you just say?" Finn demands, but Poe's already springing into action. He grabs Mitaka, who panics and swings the alcohol bottle through the air.
"Stop!" Finn lunges, and suddenly there's a flash of black. Ben pushes Poe away from Mitaka. The bottle slams into Finn's skull and shatters.
Poe's jaw drops as he stares at his boyfriend, collapsed on the floor in a pile of rum and frosted glass and bleeding from his head. "Finn!" He drops to the ground and tries to shake him. "Finn, wake up—please—" Bile rises to his throat and he's panicking, he's not sure whose gray face he's seeing, or remembering…
Mitaka screams, clutching his bloody hand.
Ben backs up.
"The fuck?" Hux bursts into the room. "Oh my God! Oh my—"
"Get Threepio!" Poe shouts. Hux dashes off. "Come on, Finn," he pleads. "Come on." He glares up at Mitaka. "You bastard."
"Me? It wouldn't have hit him if he hadn't shoved him—"
"I wasn't trying to—"
Poe turns to Ben. "What the fuck did you think you were doing?"
He shakes his head.
"Oh, goodness gracious me!" Their dorm parent flutters into the room. Security comes, and Poe, Mitaka, Hux, and Ben are all dragged away from Finn and towards the dean's office. Poe looks at Snap and Snap nods as if to reassure Poe he'll wait outside the nurse's office until he knows that Finn will be okay.
"What happened?" Artoo demands as she rushes down the hallway, unlocking the door. "Mr. Skywalker will be here in a moment. Poe, Mitaka, Hux, Ben—"
"He was trying to hide rum in their room and Finn said no, and then he called us fags, and I went to punch him—" Poe clears his throat. "Which was wrong, I admit, but then Ben came in and tried to intervene, and he hit Finn in the head!"
"That's a lie!" Mitaka says, and Poe gapes at the trembling, pale boy. "The alcohol was Finn's. I was trying to get it away from him, bring it to Threepio—hitting him was an accident!"
"That's what happened," Hux puts in. "I heard it."
"Great," Artoo says sarcastically. "One of you is lying. Ben?"
He shakes his head. "I just jumped in when I saw fighting."
"Oh really?" Artoo crosses her arms. "You didn't hear anything? From next door?"
"Not much."
Poe glares at him, as does Hux. Hux's eyebrows swoop together.
"From what I did hear," Ben says, tracing the armrest. "It seemed like… like it was Finn's."
"Liar!" Poe shouts. He can't believe this. What the—why is Ben lying?
"Hm." Artoo scowls and looks at Poe, who gazes back at her with tears in his eyes.
"I'm telling the truth," Poe insists.
"We'll see what Mr. Skywalker thinks," Artoo says, but she puts her hand on Poe's shoulder.
But Mr. Skywalker doesn't arrive alone. Mr. Snoke's with him, and he curls his flabby lips as he glowers at them all.
Poe tries to catch Ben's eye. Ben refuses to lift his gaze from his black skinny jeans.
"I'll interview Ben and Mitaka," Mr. Snoke says. "Luke, you interview Hux and Dameron."
As Mr. Skywalker calls Hux into his office and Mr. Snoke takes Ben, Poe notices that Ben's limping.
"What's going on?" Rey shrieks as she leaps to her feet. Dr. Kalonia refused to let her see Finn, so Rey ran to Mr. Skywalker's office.
"How's Finn?" Poe demands.
Rey shakes her head. "They won't tell me anything." She stifles a sob and glares at Mitaka, at Hux, and cocks her head as Threepio leaves with Ben bringing up the rear.
"We've all been ordered back to dorm," Poe says. He lowers his voice. "Ben lied, Rey. For them. He said the alcohol was Finn's and now Finn might get expelled because of his history."
"What?" Rey knows she can't make a scene in front of Threepio, but she nods and tells Poe she'll text. As Ben passes, she hisses: "How could you?"
He glances at her with his lips parted, eyes wide in shock, and she presses her lips together and glares. Coward.
"Miss Kenobi," Artoo says from behind her. "Are you all right, dear?"
Rey turns to the woman and shakes her head. "No, I'm not." She bursts into tears. "Don't let them expel Finn, please. They're lying. And no one will even tell me how he is." And Ben. Why? She thought he was her friend. She trusted him with the secret she hasn't even told Finn or Poe.
"He's going to be fine, Rey," Mr. Skywalker interrupts, voice gentle. "A concussion and a laceration. He'll be fine."
She sniffs and lifts her head from Artoo's shoulder. "You know Finn doesn't drink."
Mr. Skywalker hesitates. "We'll see what happens."
You do know it, Rey thinks.
That night, she wishes she had Ben's number, just so she could text him and tell him off, ask him why, beg him to offer her a reasonable explanation so she doesn't have to hate him. To think she let him hear her most intimate secrets, and now he betrays Finn like this…
You should want to hate him.
She doesn't.
She can't sleep, and now she can't leave her dorm, because she doesn't want to remember the last time she slipped out.
Rey gets up early and, instead of breakfast, races for Dr. Kalonia's.
"You can see him," the doctor agrees, with a faint smile.
"Finn!" Rey swoops into the room.
"Hey, Rey!" He wraps his arms around her.
"I was so scared… Snap texted us and said there was a lot of blood, and…" Rey shakes her head. "You're okay."
"How's Poe?"
Rey shrugs. "In trouble. I think. Mitaka's giving one version of the story and Poe's giving another. Unfortunately Hux and Ben are backing Mitaka up. They're saying the alcohol was yours."
"Mine?" Finn tries to shake his head and cringes. "That's bullshit."
"I know, and I think Luke—Mr. Skywalker—knows too, but there's no telling what Mr. Snoke will do."
"Ben sided with Hux on something?" Finn groans. "That makes no sense. They hate each other."
"I don't know, Finn. I really don't."
So, everyone, on account of tomorrow being Easter and a family member's birthday, I will be traveling and thus won't be able to update tomorrow. I'm sorry! Updates will resume regularly on Monday. Also, I should state that this is the last truly "feel bad" chapter of the story. It's basically rock bottom, and there's nowhere to go but up.