Warning for a brief mention of suicidal thoughts.
"So, what we have here," Mr. Snoke purrs. "Is two against three."
"One of who almost killed Finn," Lando puts in.
"I think that's an exaggeration, Mr. Calrissian," Mr. Snoke says.
"One of whom was suspended for marijuana recently," counters Lando, glancing at Finn.
"That's irrelevant. Even though Ben's no longer my mentee, I've worked with him long enough to know that he's not very much of a liar," Mr. Snoke says.
"That's ridiculous," scoffs Lando. "Have you looked at that kid?"
Something squirms in Finn's arms, in his legs. He shifts.
"Since when aren't you mentoring Ben anymore?" Mr. Skywalker demands.
"He's learned all he's willing to from me," Mr. Snoke says in a tone that refuses to be questioned. "And with Finn here, we have a history of—"
"Absolutely nothing related to alcohol," Lando cuts in.
"Are you ever going to let me finish?" Mr. Snoke snarls.
"Are you ever going to play fair?" Lando demands. "I don't care about what you believe. The facts are that you can't prove what happened in that room. I'm an attorney, Snoke."
"Who used to be a smuggler just like Han Solo," Snoke retorts.
Finn's eyebrows rise and he looks to Mr. Skywalker for confirmation. Mr. Skywalker shrugs, but Finn's stunned. And kind of impressed.
"And a damn good one," Lando says with a smirk. "You have to pay for law school somehow."
"Fine." Mr. Snoke looks to Mr. Skywalker. "Finn gets to finish his semester here and take his exams. He leaves before the Christmas banquet, though, and if there's one more infraction, and I don't care how small it is, he's out of here."
"Seems fair," Lando says sarcastically.
Finn will take it.
"Kid," Lando groans as they emerge. "Why're you always getting in trouble for things you didn't do?"
Finn shrugs. "I don't know." Except he kind of does know. At his old school, he made poor choices in friends, poor choices in a desperate attempt to earn those friends' favor. Here, he was trying to do the right thing, and it still fucked him over.
"Well, I hate to tell you this, but on New Year's, we'll be going over the Solos. Snoke is right—Han's an old buddy of mine. Which means you'll have to deal with Ben. Are you okay with that? I can cancel if—"
"No," Finn says quickly. "That's fine."
"Also, Luke told me you and that Dameron kid are dating." Lando winks. "We can invite him to spend a few days, if you want."
"What are your plans for break, Rey?" Maz chirps.
"Mr. Skywalker got me an internship at a nursing home," Rey says to the counselor, shivering in the cold. Her heart aches as she sees all of her classmates packing to go home, to visit their families, and she doesn't have a home or a family.
"How do you feel about that?" Maz inquires gently.
Rey shrugs. "It'll be interesting. And it's only two weeks."
Maz studies her and nods. "If you ever need someone to talk to, Rey, let me know."
"I'm fine." Rey stalks away, guilt tingling in her chest, but she's sick of everyone acting as if she's not strong, as if she's some broken thing. She isn't.
"How did your exams go?" Artoo asks as Rey enters the office for her final Thursday.
"Pretty well." Rey shrugs. "Maths was… challenging. But I think I did okay."
Artoo winks. "I'm sure you did."
She finishes her work quickly and, before she leaves, she stops to say goodbye and thank you to Mr. Skywalker for her internship.
"You're welcome, Rey." Mr. Skywalker clears his throat. "Would you actually come in, for a sec?"
"Sure." Rey shuts the door behind her and sits on the padded bench. "What's up?"
Mr. Skywalker twist the glass cap of an empty candy jar. "I just wanted to congratulate you on how well you've done here. Your grandfather would be proud."
"Thank you," Rey says. "I wish I could've met him."
"He was an extraordinary man." Mr. Skywalker smiles. "And he mentored me when I started here as a freshman. I was terrified and light years behind my peers in everything, and Obi-Wan came out of retirement that year. He helped me."
"Did he keep mentoring you the entire time you were at Jedi Academy?" Rey asks.
"No." Mr. Skywalker shakes his head and breathes out. "No, he died at the end of that year."
"Oh!" Rey's startled. "I'm sorry." It's strange, her apologizing to a man for her own grandfather's death. "How—"
"Did he die?" Mr. Skywalker asks. "Ben's been after me to tell you for months."
Ben. Rey's stomach cramps at that name. She still wants to punch him for how he threw Finn under the bus.
He sighs. "My father worked here, too. Obi-Wan, he knew who I was. Ironically, he didn't know who Leia was, though. Obi-Wan didn't tell my father, though, and my father wasn't a big fan of me. Years earlier, my father turned the entire board against Obi-Wan and got him fired. He came back the year I came back, because Dean Palpatine had a health problem."
"Like how Mr. Snoke hates Finn and me?" Rey blurts out.
"Mr. Snoke does not hate you, Rey, nor does he hate Finn. It's complicated." Mr. Skywalker sighs. "But yes, I suppose it's comparable." The glass lid spins and spins, scraping against the jar. "One night while Leia and I were out with a certain—well, a certain non-student with a bit of a reputation—well, Leia was in a bit of trouble and we thought we would help her out. Anyways, my father heard that students had snuck out of the school and was furious. He went to collect us and Obi-Wan got there first. He warned us to come with him, and we did, and there was a car accident."
"But that's not your fault," Rey says, because she can tell what's going through Mr. Skywalker's mind, years later.
Mr. Skywalker smiles. "I know, Rey."
No, you don't. She sees the same ghosts haunting his eyes, the same ghosts that haunt her dreams as she relives her mother leaving, the ghosts that spewed from her mouth the night she and Ben got drunk on the quad.
"I thought you ought to know," Mr. Skywalker adds.
"Thanks for telling me," Rey says.
"Have a good break," Mr. Skywalker dismisses her.
"Rey!" Beebee-Ate runs up to her. "I heard you're not going back to the UK for Christmas."
Rey shrugs. "I don't have anyone there."
"Well," says Beebee-Ate. "Have a merry Christmas." He throws his arms around Rey, and she hugs him back.
"You're home!" Mom drops her iPad, leaping up to hug him. Ben flinches.
You're a monster.
Rey will never forgive him. He did it to keep Hux from telling about the STD… to keep his pride, keep his reputation, in Rey's eyes and in his peers, and he lost all of it anyways. Lying was pointless.
And from what Dad said on the ride, he'll have to face Finn in front of his parents. Dad already knows, and Mom must know too. When it comes to Lando's word or their son's, they'll believe Lando, and Ben knows it's the smarter thing for them to do, but he hates it anyways.
Mom waits until dinner to bring up the subject. "Luke told us you're no longer working for Mr. Snoke."
The asparagus stalls in Ben's mouth. He shakes his head.
"Is it because of, uh, the suspension?" Mom ventures.
No, Mom, it's because Snoke gave me an STD. "Kind of. I don't want to talk about it." He swallows and stuffs more food in his mouth, dropping a few pieces of meat to the floor for an eager Chewie.
"Okay," Han says, warding off the brewing argument. "How's French class going?"
"Better." It's not. Ben knows he failed—outright failed—his exam. All because he couldn't stop calling himself diseased and thinking about how disgusting he truly is. It's probably for the best that Rey is furious with him, because he wouldn't know how to tell her that all her hard work meant nothing, because he couldn't overcome himself.
And if his parents really knew, they would be repulsed too. Because it's not just what Snoke did to him. It's what Ben did.
"Lando and Luke told us—"
"I don't want to talk about it. I just got involved to break up the fighting." That much is true.
Mom and Dad exchange a look.
"I'm not lying!" Not to you.
"Nobody said you were, until you brought it up," Mom points out.
"But you're looking at me like I am. Like you don't trust me." Ben's manipulating them and he knows it.
Dad sighs. "We don't have to talk about this right now."
Fine. "How's being a consultant?" Ben asks Mom, sipping a glass of milk.
"It's fine," she says. "Not as demanding as being a full-out diplomat. I think I prefer it this way. The Senate, however, does want to hear from me in January."
"You'll be fine," Dad reassures her, taking Mom's hand.
She yanks her hand away. "We'll see."
See, this is your father's history, Snoke whispered in his ear. Your hero.
A drug smuggler.
Ben wanted to vomit when he read it.
Considering your mother's job, don't you think people ought to know?
To this day, Ben will never be sure if he leaked that to the press before Snoke could, or if Snoke never would have done it. He doesn't know if Snoke asked him to do it even though he does know that Snoke never said the words, or if he wanted to do it, if it was his choice or not.
Later that night, Ben hears his parents arguing about Mom's upcoming inquisition. "You didn't do anything wrong, Leia! It's me!"
"Stop blaming yourself!" Mom shouts. "I stayed with you because I love you!"
"I know! I just—God, how do you expect me not to feel guilty, woman?"
"Man up!"
The guilt permeates his body, coating his bones with lead. He lies there until four in the morning, unable to move, unable to sleep. When he finally snaps out of his stupor to go to the bathroom, the razor blades gleam unnaturally at him, the glare slicing his eyes.
He pulls one out, places it against his wrist, and wonders what it would be like to end it all. He grimaces at the sight of his face—his father's face, really—staring back at him in the mirror.
Your father is weak and foolish. A criminal.
So am I, Ben thinks, pricking himself with the blade. Tears spring to his eyes as blood springs from his skin.
Do it.
But it hurts, and he doesn't want to die.
You don't deserve to live.
Chewie whines from the doorway. Ben lets go of the blade, clutching the counter and breathing hard as the dog bounds towards him. He drops to his knees and buries his face in Chewie's neck.
"You seriously don't care if I go to my boyfriend's for New Years?" Poe asks his father.
"If it makes you happy," his father says, eyes glued to the television.
"No, Dad. Will that make you happy? Will that make you sad?" Poe demands, crossing his arms. Christmas sucked without Mom, but he only has one more week to spend with his father, and he wants to know, dammit.
"You being happy makes me happy," Dad says without even glancing at him. "That's what your mother would have said."
Speak to me! Poe wants to scream. I'm here! I'm here, can't you see me, can't you stop caring about my happiness for just one second to just care about me, all of me?
"I've heard he's a nice kid, your boyfriend," Dad adds.
Poe's heart lifts. "He's awesome." And I'm in love with him. A year ago he would have felt comfortable sharing that. Now, he can't. "Do you want to come too? I'm sure Lando wouldn't mind if you—"
"I'm not really able to see that crowd," Dad says. "They remind me too much of her."
"At least you're honest," Poe gripes, heading to his room and texting Finn.
I'm sorry babe, Finn texts back. :(
Rey texts a selfie of grinning with an elderly woman. This place is awesome!
At least she's having fun, Poe thinks. Rey's having more fun with strangers than Poe's having with his father.
"Do we really have to spend New Year's with Ben, though?" Poe asks Finn after Lando drives two hours to pick Poe up. Poe's dad doesn't even emerge from the house to wave.
"We can stay with the adults," Finn suggests. "Leave that brat with the kids. Or, by himself."
Lando clears his throat. "You know New Year's Eve is Ben's birthday."
"Seriously?" Poe demands.
"I know he's a—well, kid's got issues a mile long. But try to be cordial to him, at least for Leia's sake. Save beating his ass for when you go back to school. Kidding. I'm kidding."
"We don't have to get him a present, do we?" Poe asks, lacing his hand with Finn's. Lando chortles.
"Not like he'd have friends to invite to a party," Poe adds to Finn.
Finn frowns. "I never had a birthday party."
"Really?"
"Nope." Finn fiddles with his phone. "I never really had good enough friends."
When they arrive at Leia's sprawling place, Finn's jaw drops. "This place is amazing," he gushes.
"Finn. Poe. Good to see you," says Mr. Skywalker, smiling at them with a champagne glass in his hand.
Chewie bounds down the marble staircase and leaps at Poe and Finn, who both fall to their knees to pat the dog.
Poe lifts his head to see Ben skulking past. "Look who it is," he says to Finn.
"The birthday boy!" Finn calls, clearly putting on a brave face.
Ben stops and stares at them, face turning red. "Did Lando tell you?"
"Is there going to be cake later?" Poe asks, deciding to follow Finn's lead. "Because that's worth celebrating."
"Yes, there is!" announces Ms. Organa, hurrying into the entryway. "Finn, Poe, it's good to see you. Poe, tell your father we miss him."
"I will," Poe says.
Ms. Organa shrugs. "He loved your mother so, so much."
"Thank you," Poe says, not sure why, but knowing this feeling swelling inside him—it's gratitude. She understands.
Ben still watches Finn as if he expects him to stab him once he turns his back.
"Is it me," Finn whispers to Poe. "Or is the resident sociopath looking like he feels a little guilty?"
"Good." Poe remembers all the blood gushing from his boyfriend's scalp and wipes his fingers against the floor, just to remind himself that right now, they're dry.
Poe gets to chat more with Han Solo, and regardless of the fact that the man was a drug smuggler once, Poe thinks he's awesome. Ms. Organa seems rather cool towards him, though. When she brings out Ben's cake, her son looks like he wants to run in the other direction and as Han tries to grab her hand, she pulls it away.
Weird, Poe thinks.
Ben blows out his candles and barely manages to eke out a thank you to everyone. Probably he realizes that half of the people in the room can't stand him. Poe almost feels sorry for him. Almost.
"Not sneaking any wine tonight?" Poe asks as the adults congregate to one corner.
"Why, are you?" Ben snips.
"Nope. We're walking the straight and narrow," Finn says.
"Is your head okay?" Ben asks Finn. Ben slips half of his cake onto the floor for Chewie to eat and notices Poe watching. "It's vanilla. It won't hurt him."
Poe shrugs. It's weird to see this jerk doting on a dog. And looking not just guilty, but very, very vulnerable.
"Head's fine," Finn says.
Poe's phone buzzes. Rey, with a photo of a bingo sheet. My crazy New Year's.
Finn grins, as he's clearly gotten the same text.
"Rey?" Ben questions.
"She's having a fun bingo night," Poe says.
"Hey, give me your phone," Finn says to Ben.
Ben slides his hand inside his pocket and withdraws his phone. "Why?"
Finn snatches it and taps at the screen. "Here. This is Rey's number. Happy Birthday. Although, I swear to God if you text her anything that creeps her out, I'll personally slam a bottle across your head and see how you like it."
"Did you actually?" Poe yelps. "Finn, Rey will—"
"I won't text her," Ben promises. "But—thanks? Is this your way of asking me to support you next time?"
"Nah." Finn shakes his head. "I just remember feeling alone on my birthday too, is all."
"I'm not alone!" Ben insists.
"Keep telling yourself that, buddy." Finn pats him on the shoulder and saunters away, Poe scrambling after him.
"Are you for real right now? Rey's gonna be pissed! Besides, he's a scumbag. She deserves better."
"I don't actually want her to date him," Finn hisses. "It's just—I spent more than enough birthdays with the exact same face he's wearing right now. People are there, but maybe no one wants to be there."
"His parents do."
Finn looks pointedly at Poe, who thinks of his dad. "Oh. Okay." Poe sighs, glancing over his shoulder to see Ben scratching Chewie's head with an all too familiar look of crushing, inescapable sadness on his face. "We can go sit near him, if you want."
"I don't know if I want, but we will," Finn answers, pulling Poe back over. They don't talk much to Ben, but he almost smiles at them, and Poe wonders yet again why Ben lied for Hux. What does he have on you?
After fireworks explode overheard and everyone cheers, Poe turns to Ben. "New Year. You can try for a new start."
Ben blinks. "With Rey?"
"And maybe with us."
Ben's eyes widen and his mouth hovers open for a moment. "Thanks."
Poe smiles at him, and Ben smiles back, fully this time.
Lando drives them home. Poe's staying in their guest room, but he sneaks into Finn's room with his heart pounding.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey."
Poe grabs Finn and kisses him, opening his mouth and exploring Finn's. Both of them gasp for air, as if they're drowning but drowning is pleasant instead of torment. With Finn, Poe forgets about his father, about his mother and her accident, about the fact that he's technically an adult and he doesn't feel like one.
"I love you," Poe whispers, his mind filling with images of Finn's sensitivity, his kindness towards Ben and Nines and all of these people who don't deserve it—and yet Finn treats them decently. He inspires Poe. He's innocent and beautiful and, in many ways, who Poe wants to be when he grows up.
"I love you too," Finn breathes in his ear, and Poe's eyes sting. He hasn't heard that phrase since his mother died.
Poe slides his hands down Finn's back, towards his waist, and suddenly Finn grips his hands, stopping him.
"Sorry," Poe pants.
"It's fine. I just—I'm not ready," Finn tells him. "Is that—okay?"
Poe nods. The only time he had sex, it was meaningless. He did it because he wanted to know what it was like, not because he wanted to show someone else that he loved them, and he doesn't want Finn to do it unless he wants to. "Yeah. That's fine." He kisses Finn again. "Whenever you're ready. I'm not going anywhere."