Ben might hate his roommate, but when Hux comes back from wherever he went on Valentine's Day puking his guts out, Ben actually takes his arm and guides him into the bathroom.
"What are you smiling about?" Hux groans, a sheen of sweat over his face before he leans over the toilet.
"Nothing." Ben's mind dances back to the moments he and Rey made out in the woods. He hadn't expected his silly gift to actually start something. Hoped, maybe, but expected, no.
"What's going on?" Finn sticks his head through the doorway, sweat also glistening on his face—except, unlike Hux, he's beaming.
Ben points to Hux.
"Oh." Finn shrugs. "Good luck."
"I'm sorry," Hux gasps.
"For being sick?" Ben snorts.
"No." Hux looks at him, eyes bloodshot and hair plastered to his forehead. "Neve—mind."
"Did you get with Phasma?"
"Go away."
Ben obeys, taking that as a no.
The next morning, Rey takes his hand in the cafeteria and leads him to the table she usually sits at, with all her friends. "Do you want to sit with them? We can eat alone, if you want."
"No," Ben says. "Let's get to know your friends."
Poe, Finn, and that freshman Beebee-Ate treat Ben as if he's one of them. Jess and Snap are a little more hesitant, but Jess at least voices her approval of the chocolate gift.
As literature class rolls around, Ben notices Mitaka tittering as he types on his laptop when they're supposed to be analyzing Prince Hal's opening monologue in Henry IV Part 1. Ben's already finished it and plans to borrow Part 2, even though it won't be required.
He wants to know if Hal reconciles with his father.
He wants to know if Hal earns back respect.
"It's a good story," Rey says as she asks him to proofread her analysis after school. "I like it."
"I kind of relate to Hal."
"Really?" She closes her book and peers at him. "What exactly is between you and your parents anyways?"
"It's a long story. Nothing, really. Just… Snoke messing with my mind. And in some respects what Snoke says is true. My father's a criminal, or he was."
"And you're a jerk, or you were," Rey points out.
"True. But… they sent me away, Rey. Your mother left you too—I know it's not the same thing, mine were trying to do what's best for me and in all fairness my dad wasn't happy with it either, and I wanted to go in… most ways. But I needed them, and they weren't there." He traces the edge of the table in the library. "I felt abandoned."
Rey nods, her brow creasing. "Even with your uncle here?"
"He's my uncle. He's the Dean. He's not my father, or my mother." Ben draws in a breath. "And I was so afraid of failing them, of letting my mother down, and Snoke told me more things about my father—I knew about his past, but not all of it—and about my grandfather and what a great man he was, and all. I mean, my father didn't stop smuggling drugs until I was five or six, apparently. He deceived my mother, and me. She forgave him, but…" He sighs.
"So you resent him for that?"
"Yeah. And—Rey—you know how the reports leaked over the summer? About my father?"
"Yeah?" she answers, biting her lip as if expecting what he's going to say.
Ben stares at her, hoping she won't turn away. "I leaked them. Snoke hinted I should. He said it was best for my mother. That it was the right thing to do."
"Snoke is a snake and a pervert and a pedophile," Rey retorts. "Can't you see he basically brainwashed you?"
"Maybe. But not entirely. My parents are flawed people, Rey."
"Aren't we all."
"Yeah, but they haven't—I don't know if I leaked that because Snoke wanted me to, or because I was angry and wanted to get back at them, Rey. I really don't know. And I can never tell them."
Rey opens her mouth, but Phasma passes by and shakes her head. "What was that about?" Rey asks as she watches the girl saunter away.
"Maybe they all think you deserve better?"
"Oh, bah." Rey rolls her eyes. "Analyze. Help me."
When Ben goes to sleep, he dreams of his father fighting in a muddy field, and Ben could save him, but instead a sword pierces his father's chest, and as Ben looks up into the face of the killer, he sees Snoke.
The next morning, Rey tracks him down. "I know you're a grump before you've had coffee, but Poe and I need your help."
"What?"
"Finn's birthday's in a week. We want to throw him a surprise party—just a little thing, with friends and cake. Can you distract Finn when we need you to? Stage a fight with Hux or something?"
"Sure." Ben takes a sip of coffee. His mood lifts.
Mitaka passes by them and laughs.
"What the hell is your problem?" Rey demands.
Mitaka spins around. "Well, I guess we know where Ben got it from."
"What are you talking about?" she snaps as Ben stiffens.
"Um—" Snap leaps to his feet. "Rey, I think—"
"Give it a rest, Mitaka," Hux growls.
I'm sorry.
Everything clicks in Ben's mind. Oh no oh no oh no oh—no—no—
"The clap?" Mitaka prompts. "That Ben—"
Ben sends his fist smashing into Mitaka's fast. The other boy topples over, food and milk spraying everywhere. The cafeteria workers shout as Mitaka scrambles to his feet and lunges at Ben.
"Fuck off!" Rey kicks him in the belly before arms wrap around her, around Ben, and drag them apart.
"Calm down!" Artoo shrieks in Ben's ear as she pulls him away with surprising strength.
They all wind up in Uncle Luke's office, where the dean does not look happy to arrive at work to three milk-soaked students, one of whom is holding an ice pack to his face.
"What," Uncle Luke demands. "Happened?"
"I believe this can answer part of the question," Artoo interjects, pointing to something on her computer. Uncle Luke leans over to read it, his jaw dropping.
"What is that?" Ben leans forward, as does Rey. All he sees is a Facebook meme page with his yearbook photo from the past year and something about an STD.
Fuck.
"Did you make that?" Rey shrieks at Mitaka. "You lying piece of—"
"Rey Kenobi!" Uncle Luke thunders. "Quiet." He looks at Mitaka. "Did you make this?"
"I heard it was true," the boy says quickly.
Fucking drunk Hux. "Well, it's not," Ben insists, looking at Mitaka and then straight into his uncle's eyes. "That's a lie."
Uncle Luke nods. "I believe you."
Ben isn't sure whether he's relieved or deflated. He can't let his uncle know, but he wishes someone besides Rey would call him on his bullshit. She takes his hand, and he reminds himself that she knows, and she doesn't think he's trash.
"I'll go talk to Mr. Snoke," Uncle Luke declares, swishing out of the office and leaving Artoo to peer at Ben and Rey with sympathy.
In the end, Uncle Luke and Snoke meet with each of them separately. Mitaka storms out in tears, and they call Rey in next. When she leaves Snoke's office, she gives Ben a thumbs-up.
"So," Mr. Snoke drawls as Ben takes a seat in front of Uncle Luke and Artoo. "You didn't know about this Facebook meme until this morning?"
Ben shakes his head.
"Mitaka has been suspended for a week, on account of vicious bullying," Uncle Luke puts in.
"You and Rey are being let off with a warning," Mr. Snoke says. "Especially given your indiscretions earlier this semester, Mr. Solo, I wouldn't put another toe out of line, no matter how provoked you might feel."
"Okay," Ben agrees, his face still burning because he just wants out of Snoke's presence—he can't be here, not one more second.
"Luke, Artoo, may I have a word privately with Mr. Solo," Snoke requests, and Ben wants to scream at them as his uncle nods and rises. Come back!
The moment the door shuts, Snoke glowers at him. "I cannot believe you were so stupid as to let that ignorant fool find out."
"It wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't tell anyone," Ben says quickly. Which, technically, is a lie. He told Rey. But he didn't tell Mitaka, or even Hux. "My roommate saw the brochures they gave me. I hid them after."
"Hm," Snoke muses. "It seems I was right earlier this year when I let you go. I vastly overestimated your intelligence and your potential." His eyes glimmer, and the realization that Snoke despises him and has always despised him sinks in. It curdles in Ben's stomach.
How could I have been so stupid? "Why did you even take me on?" he demands.
"Because you could have been something." Snoke rises. "But you're too much like your father." Snoke adjusts one of the portraits. "And, because your mother and I once worked together."
"What?"
"I was on the verge of being appointed as a diplomat, didn't you know? I could have ruined your mother. Out of respect to your grandfather, to my old friend Palpatine, I kept quiet about your father and his nefarious activities."
"But you—"
"You made your own choices, Ben."
No, Ben tries to remember. That's a lie. It's not, and it is. He made his own choices, but Snoke's been pulling the strings.
"And I got you into college. Be grateful. Your grades alone, given this year, couldn't have done that. You should be grateful."
No. Ben squeezes his eyes shut and then snaps them open and glowers at the principal. I hate you.
"Get out," Snoke orders, and Ben scrambles out the door.
"Ben," Uncle Luke says, because apparently he and Artoo have been waiting for him. He grabs his nephew's shoulder and looks into Ben's eyes, for once with no distaste or frustration. "Are you okay?"
Ben nods. "I'm fine."
"If anyone else bullies you, tell me," Uncle Luke commands, squeezing Ben's shoulder.
Ben swallows. "Please don't tell my parents. If it's just a warning, you don't need to, do you?"
"You're not really in trouble, so no," Uncle Luke confirms with a sigh. "But Ben, I think they'd want to know. You didn't do anything wrong—well, punching Mitaka was wrong. But they'd want to support you."
Ben shakes his head. "I can't. I don't want them to know. It's embarrassing."
"But it's not true," Artoo says.
"It doesn't need to be true to be embarrassing," Ben shoots back.
"True," Uncle Luke acknowledges. "All right. I won't tell them." And then he pulls Ben in for a hug, something he hasn't given Ben since he was twelve. Ben's not sure who's more shocked: himself, or his uncle, that Ben doesn't pull away.
On Finn's birthday, Rey works quickly in Mr. Skywalker's office, editing and filing in order to leave early. Ben promised to distract Finn and keep him in his dorm room until she's there.
"Working hard?" The voice rasps through the air, settling like dust on Rey's back. She wants to wipe it away.
"Just some filing," Rey answers Mr. Snoke, keeping her back to him. "Artoo asked me to finish while she runs to the library, so I can leave early—it's my friend's birthday—"
"How is your internship with Mr. Skywalker going?" Mr. Snoke inquires, stepping in.
"Fine. It's going fine," Rey answers, finishing and standing up to glare at him. She won't let him see how much she hates him, but a little spark of her anger can't hurt.
"His last mentee he let down terribly."
"If you're talking about Ben—"
Mr. Snoke shrugs. "How much has he told you about your grandfather?"
"A lot," Rey answers, even though that's more or less a lie.
"Hm." Mr. Snoke can't even mask his surprise. His eyes run up and down her torso, her legs, and Rey wants to scream. "Let me know if you ever want to know anything else."
He leaves, and Rey wilts in relief.
If he comes back, I'll stop him, Rey thinks.
What if you can't?
Rey grips her knees. It's not as if she can say to Mr. Skywalker or Artoo that Mr. Snoke came in and asked her about her internship and her grandfather and creeped her out. They won't believe her with no concrete reasoning, and she can't reveal Ben's secret. Rey remembers moments when her caseworker discussed her case, when a judge discussed her case and how she wanted to plug her fingers in her ears and scream at them to stop, nobody had the right to know.
Artoo comes back and lets her go, and Rey hightails it over to Yavin 4.
"Hey-ho, Rey!" Poe calls, giving her a grin. "I think we're ready."
"Do you have enough condoms for tonight?" she teases.
Poe's jaw drops. "How did you know?"
"Because I saw Finn buying them the other day, dummy." She jabs him with her elbow and Poe shrugs.
"We love each other."
"No judging here."
"Let me know if you need to borrow one," Poe tells her with a sly grin.
"Hey!"
Poe grows serious. "And, for the record, Rey, none of us believed that stupid rumor about Ben. That was really low of Mitaka."
"Yeah," Rey agrees.
"Ben's not half-bad," Poe says.
"I wasn't looking for your blessing."
"You have it anyways." Poe winks.
They disappear inside Poe's room, where a chocolate cake waits with Jess, Snap, Beebee-Ate, and even Brance.
Finn finally opens the door, shaking his head, and gapes at them all.
"Happy Birthday!" Rey shouts with everyone else. Ben appears behind Finn.
"You were distracting me!" Finn accuses.
Ben smirks.
"Blow out your candles before Threepio catches us!" Snap urges.
Everyone laughs and eats cake. Ben takes her hand, and Rey wonders what it would be like to invite someone into that part of her, to ask for it, to move her body under someone else's and look in their eyes and know that they love her.
Does Ben love me? She thinks so. But that doesn't change anything. They're both still trapped.
What if she and Ben can never exorcise their demons? What if she never gets to find out?
Rey squeezes Ben's hand and tries to chase the nagging thoughts from her brain, but she can't. You, me—what if we're going to drown?