Just to make sure; I OWN NOTHING. We good? We good. Enjoy.

17.

My hands fumble with the handle on the door. Out. I need to get out. I need to breath.

When my sweaty hands finally manage to open the train door, I step out and breath in the fresh, cool air.
I close the door behind me and start to walk all the way down to the last carriage.

I look back, with a feeling of guilt. But then again; when don't I feel guilty? When I reach the end, I sit down on the grass next to a patch of rue's. My stomach is in knots, combined with a nest of snakes.
With a shaking hand I push back a few strands of brown hair, and then I bury my face in my hands. What have I done? I managed to make two people miserable.. Peeta because he knows I will never love him the way he wants me too. Our marriage will be an empty one.. And then there is Madge.

How is she coping? Has she slipped in to a silent depression again, her rage build up inside of her? My nails dig in to my face. 'Keep it together, Everdeen' I keep telling myself. After a while I let my hands fall down, as I look up to a blue butterfly flying above me.

''Katniss?'' I snap my head around to find Peeta looking at me with a questioning look. I pat the space next to me, and so he sits down. For a while we say nothing, until he breaks the silence. '
'I'm sorry, Katniss.'' I turn my head around to the side to look at his face, my eyebrows creased. ''Sorry? For what?''
His sad blue eyes find my empty greys. ''For the whole.. marriage situation.'' My eyebrows shoot up. ''Why? It was my idea in the first place. It's all my mess which I managed to pull you in to.. I'm the one that's supposed to apologize, really.'' He relaxes a little, his broad shoulders still a bit slumped.

I try to find the right words to make it all better.. To fix it. Maybe to fix him; but I can't. How do you fix something so broken? And then I think of Madge, and what she would answer on this particular question. She would look at me with her pretty, clear blue eyes, a little smile on her face and she would say in her sweet voice; ''Simple. Well.. Not quite. It takes a lot of effort and time, and a lot of glue.'' And then she would kiss me. I shake my head and get back to the present, to Peeta. ''I wish I could fix it all.. And I'm really sorry for what I've done to you.'' My voice is just a bit louder than a whisper.

He ruffles his hair for a bit before answering. ''I used to be mad at you. But then I realized that I can 't force you to love me when you don't.. I do still love you Katniss, and I don't think that will change soon. So I'll learn how to deal with it, and so will you.. And I am sorry that I basically robbed you from a future with Madge.'' I frown and hug my own legs, my chin on my knees. ''You didn't do that, Peeta. I did that myself.'' After a while we stand up and walk back to our carriage. We give each other a friendly, knowing small before parting our ways again. Peeta heads off to his bedroom, and I stay in the living room.

A couple of hours later someone brings me a mug of hot chocolate, and I sip it gratefully. Not long after Haymitch joins me. ''Want a drink?'' he asks me, offering a glass filled with a clear, and probably very alcoholic, substance. I frown and shake my head. ''Your loss,'' he mumbles, sitting down in a chair opposite of me. ''You look in need of a drink. What's the matter, sweetheart?'' I look down at my lap, my arms crossed in front of me.

I open my mouth to speak, but the words won't come out. I rub the salty tears that well up in my eyes away harshly, annoyed at myself for allowing them out. ''You did the right thing, Katniss.''
I look up at him with my oh so trusted scowl. '''Right.. Right for who? My mother and sister and Gale.. And Madge. Sort of. For Peeta and his family. It may be the 'right' thing.. But by doing this I hurt two people whom I.. Need.''

I take a ragged breath to regain myself. Because I do need Peeta.. I would be heartbroken if he would've died in the first Games, forever trapped there. But I need Madge too, maybe and probably even more than I need Peeta.

Haymitch frowns and taps his foot, sipping his beverage. ''Sometimes.. we do things that will make our lives seem worse in the beginning.. but.. Well, it never gets better,'' he states bluntly. I chuckle and yawn. He looks me up and down and then clears his throat. ''Go to bed, there is the big Harvest Festival at home.'' I nod and stand up, my legs directing me to the door. Standing in the doorframe, I turn around.
''Night, Haymitch.''
''Night sweetheart,'' he replies vaguely, before leaving and heading to his own compartment.

I wake up in Peeta's arms, and for the first time in a long time I feel fully rested. ''Good morning,'' I greet him, sitting up a bit, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. ''Morning,'' he replies. ''You didn't have any nightmares tonight,'' he tells me with a smile. I give him a little smile back.
''I didn't, didn't I? I can't remember what it was.. Just that it was a happy one.'' He nods and gives my hand a squeeze.

We dress in simple clothes, since we will be dressed at Mayor Undersee's house, where our welcome diner is held. Tomorrow will be the Harvest Festival, where for once, no one will go hungry. I feel a knot in my stomach as we ride into the train station.

We are greeted with cheers, before being rushed in to the house. I can only hold Madge's hand for a brief second, before I'm rushed away to get ready.
After they have made me pretty again and put me in a silver gown, I note that there is still time left before diner, so I sneak out and head for Madge's room.

On my way over there, I stick my head in her father's study to say hello, but when I do, I see he is not there. I am about to turn away when I notice the flashing signs on the TV. What I see, I see District 8 in chaos. I gasp and stumble out of the room. So this is what President Snow means with rebellion. With an uprising. After I compose myself, forcing myself to act natural, I enter Madge's room.

She is brushing out her beautiful blonde hair in front of a mirror.
When she sees me, she smiles and puts down her brush, standing up and turning around to face. ''You look really pretty, like they picked you right out of the capitol.'' She pushes back a strand of hair out of my face while saying this.
I look down at what she is wearing, and notice she is wearing the same white pretty dress she wore at the reaping.

She turns around binds her hair up with a festive golden ribbon, before facing me again. ''Just like the pin you gave me.. Don't you want it back?'' I ask her carefully. She shakes her head. ''It was a gift, silly.'' ''Where did you get it?'' I ask her, my eyes fixated on her, leveling her reactions and face. Trying to get an idea of how she feels. ''It was my aunt's, I think it may have been in the family for a while. But it is yours now,'' she assures me, giving my hand a little squeeze.

Our eyes connect for a short moment, before she breaks away. ''Look at the time.. They must be expecting us for diner,'' she announces dryly.
She gives me a wary smile, before leaving the room to go down stairs. Mindlessly, I follow, wondering why she won't let me see past her mask.