Say Something - A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera

18.

It has been a few days since the dinner and Harvest Festival, and I have had no chance of meeting up with Katniss yet.

When I look outside, the it's already getting darker. I open up my closet to find something suitable to wear into town. I decide on plain jeans with a rough blouse.
I put on a coat and a scarf, but when I walk out of my room I'm stopped by some gut feeling

. I slowly, soundlessly walk over to the door of my father's study. It's not difficult to follow the conversation being held, since they do not speak that quietly. ''-you have run this District too loosely, Mayor Undersee. A boy came to me today, with a dead turkey hanging from his belt. When I punished him, several people from your District, and even one of your peacekeepers tried to stop me. This will be reported back to the Capitol.'' My heart flutters in my chest, when my father asks the exact question that is on my mind. ''And who is this boy you are talking about, if I may ask?'' I can hear he is trying to hide his anger.

''Katniss Everdeen's cousin, Gale Hawthorne. Did I mention the girl tried to interfere?'' "What did you do to her?'' my father's voice sounds tence, and I'm holding on to the wall for support. ''I did not recognize her.'' Then, the door suddenly opens and I take a few steps backwards, to prevent myself from getting hit by the door.
The new peacekeeper turns around, looks me coldly in the eye, before turning back around again and walking away.

I stand there, frozen on my place, trying my hardest to think straight. Gale is hurt. Katniss is probably too. I run downstairs where my mother is drinking a cup of tea. ''Mom- Gale is hurt, and Katniss.. She'll be going crazy and maybe she is hurt too. What do I do?'' She stares at me, a bit shocked, before she gets herself together again and walks over to me.
She lays her hand on my cheek. I must be looking desperate.. at least I feel desperate. Then, she silently walks off.

I'm about to throw a tantrum when she comes back with a cardboard box filled with vials with a clear liquid in them. Morphling. ''Take this to her house, but come back straight after. I don't want you out there with.. Them walking the streets.'' I give her a kiss on the cheek before I take the box and quickly get out of my house.

When I come outside, the snow hits my face mercilessly. I struggle walking through the mild snowstorm, the box clutched to my chest.
After what seems like an hour, I arrive at Katniss her house. Impatiently, I ring the doorbell continuously. When she opens the door, I can see a look of shock pass her face before she redeems herself. I hand her the box. ''Here- take these for Gale. My mother said I could have them and give them to you. Please.'' Then I turn around, not looking back. Because if I look back, I know I'll walk over there again. And I know I'll stay.
When I'm back home, I strip myself of all the snow caked layers of clothing, and step under my relatively warm shower.

I hug my own body, my nails nearly piercing my own skin, Katniss' hurt face never leaving my mind. I take deep breaths. I should go talk to her tomorrow. Would she be willing to talk to me? Maybe. Yes. Of course. She loves me. Are you sure? The little voice comes from the back of my mind, a question I've been trying to block out the minute we first kissed. And the plain and simple answer is a solid no.

I turn off the shower and dry myself with a lumpy towel, before putting on my pajamas and getting in to bed. And when I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, I am sure I will go and talk to Katniss tomorrow.

Morning comes too soon. I open my eyes to see a soft light shining through my curtains. I slowly pull myself out of bed, the cold yellowish light and cold floor bringing some life into me. As I dress myself in warm clothing, I can't help but dread this day.

It takes me a long time to get to Katniss her house, but when I get there, I refrain myself from knocking on the door.
I close my eyes for a bit and take deep breaths. It's just Katniss. Yes, but Katniss is broken, and I'm made of porcelain, standing on the edge of a cliff.

Then, the door opens, and Katniss nearly bumps in to me. ''I was.. About to knock on your door. Would you mind having a walk with me?'' She looks a bit surprised, but soon recovers when she nods in agreement. I softly take her hand and lead her to the path that leads to the Square. I can feel my spirits drop when her hand just feels limp in my hand. I take a deep breath before I start talking. ''Katniss.. I just want you to know, that.. I'm not mad at you or anything concerning your recent.. Engagement. But we do need to talk about it. About us.''

She does not look at me when she speaks. ''What is there to talk about, Madge?'' It hurts to hear her voice sounds hollow.
I stop, and so does she. I go stand in front of her so she is forced to look at me. ''I love you, Katniss.. Please, I don't want us to end like this at all.. just.. Just tell me. Did you ever truly loved me with all of your heart? Because I do, Katniss. I do love you.'' She tries to look away, but I won't let her. Not now. Just not now. ''So many things happened, Madge.. There was no room for that. But I did love you, just not wholly.. Because I couldn't.''

I can feel a mental finger in my back, while I'm standing at the edge. Waiting for the last push.
''I would've done anything for you, I would still.. Tell me what to do.. please.. Just.. say something, something I could do..'' my voice sounds strange, even to my own ears.
I can see tears well up in Katniss her eyes, and I try my hardest not to let mine own come through. I blink my own tears away and take a deep breath, and then I let go of her hand, and give her a goodbye kiss on her cheek. ''It's okay. I understand.''

And then I walk away, and let her go. I let my little mockingjay free.
I clutch my chest in a desperate attempt to keep myself together. Have I truly lost her now? Maybe she'll come back. And then I laugh a bitter laugh, and shake my head. She won't. She won't come to me. Why would she? She has Gale, she has Peeta. All along I was the one needing her. Not the other way around. Because Katniss is a survivor and a fighter, and I am nothing more than a privileged mayor's daughter, who had the absolute joy of getting pushed from a cliff by the one and only Katniss Everdeen.