As promised :D

Enjoy!

T

It happened again.

Theodore frowned in curiosity this time as he woke. Four days in a row..? He pursed his lips and got out of bed.

Making a quicker task of it, Theodore entered Alvin's room and saw his eldest brother breathing heavy, sitting up again. The morning light was only just coming through, but Theodore could see quite well in here compared to the windowless hallway.

'Alvin –?'

'Theo,' his tone was agitated as he ran a hand through his messy hair. 'I'm fine, go to bed…'

Theodore came forward a little more. 'Alvin… it's just…'

Alvin sighed and lay down. 'I'm sorry I keep waking you up…'

'You really sound… scared, Alvin…' Theodore lamented. 'A-are you sure you don't want to tell me about it –?'

'No, Theodore.' Alvin said firmly, propping himself up on his elbows. 'This is something I want to deal with… on my own.' He tried to sound certain. Theodore didn't buy it.

The youngest stood beside Alvin's bed and looked at him with more concern than a fourteen-year-old should ever harbour. 'Please, Alvin..?'

Alvin blinked at the tone, the expression and the words. He looked as though he was frantically trying to turn Theodore down without feeling guilty. 'I… Theo… Teddy…' then his voice did something Theodore wasn't expecting. It held a violent tremor. 'I-I can't tell you –' his words choked. He shook his head and closed his eyes.

Theodore was more alarmed than interested, now. He stayed silent, not knowing how to respond, slowly getting more curious.

'Just go, Theo…' Alvin managed a clear sentence.

'Alvin, I-I want to help –'

'You can't,' Alvin snapped slightly, sitting up. 'Theo, you wouldn't understand.'

Theodore felt hurt at that sentence. He wasn't stupid. 'A-Alvin, please,' he asked softly. 'I-I…' he stood firm and tried being like Simon for once. 'I-I won't leave until you tell me. Please.'

Alvin considered Theodore. For a long while. But Theodore was patient, it was one of his prouder traits. After what felt like an agonizing ten minutes (but was probably only one) where Theodore wanted desperately to know what was going on, and Alvin was trying to decide whether or not he could confide in Theodore, Alvin sighed.

'You have to promise me that you won't tell anyone.' Alvin bargained.

'I-I promise.'

Alvin looked at Theodore reluctantly. 'I'm serious, Theo… you have a habit of not keeping secrets…' he hated to say it, but it was true.

Theodore knew it, too, and looked down guiltily. 'I promise I won't tell anyone, Alvin.' He insisted, looking up again. 'I swear I won't. Cross my heart.'

'Okay…' Alvin pursed his lips in thought before patting the spot next to him. 'You're gonna need to take a seat…' he said, with more sadness than anything else.

'Thanks, Alvin,' Theodore offered a smile and joined his older brother, who shifted away from him a bit.

Alvin blew out a breath. He looked a little sick, actually. 'Alright, there's things you need to understand before I tell you what I'm dreaming about…' he contained his voice to a whisper so no one could hear them.

Theodore nodded in pure interest. 'Like what?'

'Well…' Alvin glanced at his baby brother. 'First of all: has Dave ever given you… The Talk..?'

'What's that?' Theodore frowned.

Alvin blushed. 'Alright, then… I guess I am the eldest, so Dave might have thought I would tell you…' he sighed and looked down at his lap. 'So, when two people like each other a lot,' he began, 'they get crushes, right?' He wanted to keep it simple and less adult-like.

Theodore smiled. 'You've had heaps of crushes.'

'Right, exactly,' Alvin nodded, 'so… sometimes, they can turn into… love.' He said.

'But…' Theodore halted. 'I love you… but not… as a crush.'

Alvin smiled and let himself laugh a little. 'Yes, Theo, there are generally two types of love: the love where you have boundless care for someone – that's family love – and the love that makes your heart flutter, and whenever you see this one person, you just know that you want to be with them forever. That's called being in love.' He taught.

Theodore nodded in interest. 'So like Dave and Marsha?'

'I think they're one stone short of the full thing, but yeah.' Alvin nodded. 'Um, okay, so… Sometimes, when people get a crush,' he continued, 'they can have… okay, let me re-phrase… sometimes, a boy can get a crush on another boy. Or a girl on another girl.' He glanced at Theodore to see how he was taking that.

The youngest looked entirely interested. 'That can happen?'

'Yep. Homosexuality.' Alvin nodded. 'So… society doesn't really like that…' he continued. 'Those people get kind of ridiculed…' he smiled at Theodore softly. 'It's a little cruel, actually.'

'Lucky none of us are that way.' Theodore returned the smile.

Alvin looked down again, blushing. 'Well…' he trailed off, '… uh… okay, n-now I'm going to tell you why I'm dreaming what I am.'

Theodore was slightly confused how this connected, but nodded. 'Okay.'

'Teddy…' Alvin took in a deep breath. 'I'm… one of those people.' He kept his gaze hard on his lap. 'I'm attracted… to other boys.'

'No you're not.' Theodore frowned. 'You like girls.'

Alvin smiled guiltily at Theodore. 'There's a difference between being true to yourself… and being what everyone expects you to be.' He stated. 'I flirt with girls and get girlfriends and all that… only because… I-I'm afraid of being the way I am. I don't want people looking at me like some… freak. I don't want to be different, a-and I don't like my feelings…'

Theodore pursed his lips, confused. 'So… why don't you stop them..?'

'It's not that easy,' Alvin shook his head, his sapphire eyes shimmering in the early morning light. 'See… sexuality… is something you're born with. It's not a choice – if it was, then I wouldn't be having these nightmares. If sexuality is a choice… that's like saying love is a choice. You can't help who you fall in love with, Theo… if I can teach you anything, please remember that…'

'So why are you having such bad nightmares?' Theodore questioned, noting that Alvin wasn't as choked up as he was the first time he wanted an answer.

Alvin averted his gaze in shame. 'I still don't know if I should tell you…' he said gently.

Theodore looked down as well. 'Are… are you in love with someone..?' He asked. 'A-and you're scared of how people will react, so you dream the worst..?'

'Yeah, that's the safe version…' Alvin nodded. He met Theodore's gaze. 'I want you to promise me again, Theodore. Promise you won't ever tell anyone who it is. Especially who it is.' He said it with so much earnest that Theodore got a little frightened.

Not only was Alvin attracted to the same sex – no, that was just the opening act. This was clearly much more important, and obviously more complicated.

But Theodore gave a firm nod. 'I promise, Alvin. I promise I won't tell anyone, ever.'

Alvin nodded worriedly. 'Alright…' he felt his emotions getting the better of him again and he tried fighting them off. 'So… you can't help… who you fall in love with…' he began slowly, 'so when you happen to fall in love with someone you… you didn't expect… nor did you want to… never in a million years did I want to… i-it's more than scary, Theodore… it's indescribably terrifying.' He closed his eyes. 'I-I…' that tremor was back. 'It's… illegal… to f-fall… to love… to fall in love w-with your… your brother…' he cursed the tears building up. 'And I-I fell for… for –' his head fell into his hands. 'God – it's Simon!'

Theodore looked around the room. 'Where?' He asked, confused. 'What's Simon? I don't see –'

'Theodore, I'm in love with Simon,' Alvin shivered as a tear escaped him. 'A-and every night… my mind thinks up scenarios… to remind me, h-how sick… and disgusting it is – how sick and disgusting I am…'

'N-no, it can't –' Theodore frowned, utterly confused. 'You hate Simon,'

Alvin kept his head down. 'I don't want to feel this way about him… s-so I cover it up… w-with the opposite extreme… love, hate…' his voice broke a little. 'Nothing works…' He sat up and motioned to himself, trying to gather his strength again. 'I still get these freak-show nightmares, a-about being thrown in prison, and watching myself and Simon grow old and alone and beaten up and hurt and miserable –' he stopped himself as a sob threatened to escape his lips. 'It's so wrong, but I – I love him so much – it literally hurts!' He placed a hand to his chest. 'It's like this gorgeous feeling when I see him, then in comes the shame and the guilt and the disgust I feel about it, and it turns into this monster clawing at me like it would rather have me without a heart than feel this way about my own brother –' he turned away before the tears could start again. 'I'm sorry, Theodore…' he whispered. 'I don't know… how to handle it all…'

Theodore just stared at Alvin in bewilderment. 'So you… you want to be with Simon..?'

'There's fantasy and reality…' Alvin nodded. 'And being with… Simon, is a complete fantasy…' He stubbornly wiped his tears away. 'And strictly forbidden…' he added, but found himself getting emotional again. 'Probably why it happened…' he said bitterly. 'My punishment for being… a – a little jerk those years ago… for putting fun above everything else… for breaking the rules…' he thrust his hands in front of him. 'Here you go, Seville, break this one! Fall in love with your younger brother and wallow in despair because you're a disgusting freak.'

'Y-you're not a freak, Alvin,' Theodore tried consoling.

Alvin chuckled doubtfully. 'Weren't you listening..?' He mused. 'I'm in love with Simon. In case I wasn't clear: Simon Seville, my brother, five minutes younger than me – a boy whose DNA matches mine so much that we're legally not allowed to fall in love –'

'Yeah, but at least you can stop fighting so much.' Theodore tried.

'I have to fight with him…' Alvin declined the idea. 'I-if I don't… I'll crack, I'll tell him everything, I-I might even do something really stupid and kiss him –' he both cringed and felt a chill of satisfaction at the thought. 'It's better I push him away…' he smiled to himself despite his shame. 'Besides… he's strangely attractive when he's mad at me…' he hadn't realised he'd said it out loud.

Theodore blushed, not quite knowing how he felt about this development. 'Why don't you try… telling him..?'

Alvin's breathing got rather erratic. 'Tell him? T-tell – tell – a-are you insane?' He panicked. 'Can you even imagine how he would react – I – I – I'd rather die alone, thank you very much – there's no way I'll – I won't –' he groaned and put his head in his hands again. 'Telling him… would be disastrous, a-and pointless… and I don't think I-I could do it…'

'I could… if you want…' Theodore offered.

'Oh, good lord, Theodore, please –' he shook his head up at Theodore. 'Don't – don't ever, ever, ever tell Simon how I feel about him – not one hint, Theo, god – I couldn't – I couldn't stand it if he knew and I wasn't the one who told him – h-he'd go around for a week giving me these looks and I-I wouldn't know if he knew or if he was just being weird – and then he'd confront me –' he closed his eyes for a moment to calm himself down before looking at Theodore evenly. 'Theodore… Simon could send me to prison.' He explained. 'He could disown me and charge me for incest abuse, just by the fact that we've shared a room before. Mentioning how we used to get changed in front of each other, how we used to take baths together – put that in the mix and I'd be in for life.' He held Theodore's gaze. 'Do you understand how serious this is?'

Theodore nodded. 'Yes…' he looked down. 'B-but… I mean… you're not… hurting anyone…'

Alvin had to smile. 'Slap that on a board and you're ready to join the Gay Rights community.' He commented. 'Of course it doesn't hurt anyone… but it's not right. Not natural. Let's not even go there about what would happen to you or Dave.'

'What would happen?' Theodore questioned.

'Well, first of all, we'd lose our fame…' Alvin shrugged. 'So, there goes our career. Dave's job. Then, while you're still in school, you'll get bullied for being my brother. People will assume that I've… done things, to you. That I've… touched you in a way that brothers shouldn't touch.' His expression matched one of distaste.

Theodore tilted his head curiously . 'You wouldn't, right?' He asked hopefully.

Alvin smiled reassuringly at his baby brother. 'I'd never do that to you.' He promised. 'How could I anyway? You're allergic to impurity.' He chuckled. 'Sneeze every time someone says sex –'

On cue, Theodore sneezed rather loudly.

'See? I can't get around that.' He bit his lip. 'Simon is… another matter…'

'I didn't realise you liked him so much…' Theodore said softly. 'I'm… kind of relieved, actually…' he admitted.

Alvin raised a brow. 'Seriously?' He questioned. 'You're relieved that I fell in love with the one person that hates my guts? You're relieved that your big brother wants to kiss the other one?'

Theodore blushed. 'You really want to… kiss, him?'

'You bet.' Alvin nodded shortly, trying to be casual about it.

'I'm relieved because that means you don't really want to fight with him.' Theodore explained. 'You'd rather hug him if you had your way…'

If I had my way with Simon, hugging would be the least fun… Alvin smirked at Theodore's innocence. He truly treasured it. 'Yeah, I'd smother him with affection.' Alvin nodded. 'I'd tell him how much I love his eyes, and how they remind me of the hazard through a tornado, how they get darker when he's mad and shimmer when he's excited…' he smiled and leaned back against his elbows. 'I'd tell him everything…'

Theodore frowned in concern at Alvin. 'You think Simon would take it so badly..?'

Alvin slowly nodded. 'He'd kill me…' he said softly, then looked at Theodore properly. 'You're taking it better than I thought you would.'

'I feel… shocked…' Theodore admitted. 'It's definitely not what I was expecting, but… I don't know… it makes sense to me, too…'

'Makes sense?' Alvin repeated.

'Well, yes…' Theodore shrugged. 'They say opposites attract. They say people argue when they like each other. You guys are exactly like that…'

Alvin nodded in consideration. 'Mm… shame he just argues with me for the opposite reason…' he lamented. 'Then again, even if he felt what I felt… if he wanted to be with me… i-it's hopeless, anyway… either we lose our fame and maybe be sent to prison… or we keep it to ourselves and be miserable because we'd always have to cover our relationship up, we could never reveal the truth…'

Theodore kept silent. He tried to muster all the seriousness that Alvin was talking about, but he would rather see the two in love than fighting. He saw it as a solution, not a crime. A feeling, not an offence.

He knew he couldn't get society to think that way, but he hoped he could get Alvin to. After all… this was the biggest secret Theodore had ever been burdened to carry.

Onwards! Thanks for reviewing!