"So why did you decide to go into renal?" My Jasper asks me as I finish adjusting his IV input. (Wait! No, I meant to say 'My patient' and then I decided to say 'Jasper' and then it all just kind of got muddled up. I most certainly did not mean 'My Jasper'!)
"I've had to increase your Venofer so try and eat foods rich in iron it's not ideal increasing your supplement doses. Beans, meat, unsalted nuts…apricots are good. In the mean time if you experience any nausea or vomiting, abdominal pain, constipation/diarrhoea let me know as soon as possible." I informed him very professionally in my 'doctor' voice.
"Why is it those two always seem to be listed together in the list of side effects, they seem kind of opposite." He joked, his face serious and slightly quizzical. A guy that jokes about diarrhoea and constipation after only three meetings (and one of them hardly counted, he came in for dialysis and I said 'Hey there'). He was defiantly my kind of guy. I mean patient, my kind of patient. My thoughts are starting to get a little unprofessional but technically my shift ends at 7:00 and it is currently 7:05, I am now only staying in the building to look after Jasper, how crazy is that?!
"They're more similar than you'd think, same organ doing the nasty." I smiled back.
"You didn't answer my question," He said looking up at my with those blue eyes I could swim in and raised an eyebrow. "You seem young to have chosen something as…repetitive as this."
"I'm the same age as you, actually, and I love my job! It's really not that repetitive, I get to deal with all kind of different things." I reply, sitting down on the visitors chair next to him and setting his chart down on my lap.
"Yes," He agreed with a thoughtful expression. "I imagine in a specialty that deals with kidney failure you would see a large variety of things." His mouth curled a little at the sides. He looked tired. "And you still haven't answered my question."
"It's…kind of a long story." I said sheepishly, looking down at the grey folder in my lap.
Jasper looks at the red tubes snaking out of his arm and looks back at me, "I'm not going anywhere. You don't need to tell me if you don't want to!" He added quickly. "I know your shifts over; you are allowed to go home you know?" He smirked.
"You're my patient; I want to make sure you're doing okay!" I forgot to add that he was my first patient; I don't want him running for the hills. But of course I still wasn't answering his question. "It's not that I don't want to tell you it's just…it's kind of cheesy!" I blushed a bit looking back into his hypnotic eyes.
He leaned in a tiny bit closer and in a quiet voice said, "I think I can handle it."
"I didn't want to be a GP like my dad," I blurted out, barley registering that I've never really told anyone this before. "I don't have anything against wiping runny noses and writing sick notes but I just never imagined myself doing it. And through med school we're all kind of forced to believe that you help more people doing the flashy jobs, like being a brain surgeon or emergency medic. They all sound very impressive but from my experience the doctors there are pig headed and ruled by their morbidly obese egos. Being a doctor isn't about feeding your personal ambitions, it's about helping someone in anyway you can despite how you feel personally.
"When you get brain surgery everyone cares - it's big, it's dramatic, it's life threatening – and everyone pays attention because you just had brain surgery. But with chronic conditions after a while a scream becomes a yawn and no one gives a toss. They realise that your gonna be sick for a long time and visiting with cookies for a couple of weeks isn't gonna cut it, people pull away from commitment like that. People with chronic condition need more care, instead they get less. It isn't right."
We sat in silence for a few minutes; I've said too much, I know I have! Good thing I'm off the clock. But he's still my patient. God that was so unprofessional. He wasn't looking at me anymore; he was looking at the dialysis machine filtering his blood. I hope I hadn't stepped too far.
"I have two aunts, an uncle and four cousins." Jasper said finally. "When I was first diagnosed they took turns to sit with me when I got dialysis. After a few weeks they stopped coming as often and then they stopped altogether. Then my dad died and they started again…and then after a few weeks they stopped. I haven't seen them in three years." He sighed and looked back into my waiting eyes. "I guess what I'm trying to say is…your right. And thanks." My heart nearly stopped. He was thanking me? No! He was meant to be telling me how inappropriate my behaviour was and report me to my superiors. Why did he was have to be so nice? I was struggling to keep my thoughts in check as it was without him thanking me for just doing my job!
"I'm glad I'm your first patient, it'll be a great claim to fame one day." He smiled, this one reached his eyes. His tired face lit up and suddenly he didn't look like a tired patient any more, he looked…perfect. Wait! What did he just say!?
"How did you know you were my first patient?" I half asked half demanded.
"I've had a lot of doctors in the past five years, I can tell." He said in that perfect southern-but-not-to-southern accent.
"So how am I doing?" I asked jokingly.
"So far so good, I'm very impressed!" He laughed.
We continued talking lightly to each other until his session was over and I took it upon myself to patch up his arm and sort out the machine. And put his chart back of course, don't want to forget that. Before putting it in the rack I noted down a few points about his mood and demeanour, the usual.
After I had changed into normal clothes and was walking to my car at the far side of the parking lot I noticed Jasper sitting at the bus stop. I walked over to him. He looked up at me apologetically, "Rosalie had to go back to Olympia and the exhaust blew out in my car driving up here last week so it's in the shop."
"Well I am certainly not letting you get the bus, come on my cars over there. Way way over there. There are always spaces on the fringes of the parking lot." I said sheepishly. "And don't even try to argue with me," I said as he opened his mouth to protest. "I'm giving you a lift and that's that."
"Yes ma'am." He smiled.
"You can put the radio on if you like." I said as I drove away from the hospital.
"No, it's okay. I like the quiet this time of night." He slurred quietly. So we had one thing in common, doesn't mean a thing.
"Are you feeling okay?" I asked instinctively. After five years of dialysis his body should be used to it but you never really know, the body can be temperamental and unpredictable.
"Yeah doc', just tired. You'd think I'd be fine after sitting on my butt for four hours but sometimes…it kind of wipes me out." He was trying to sound a little more energetic, for my sake? No. I was probably just reading too much into it. "So your dads a doctor too?" He asked casually, changing the subject so quickly? Interesting.
"Yes he is, so is my brother. He's works over at UWMS, they have a great Neuro program…but not quite as good as Virginia Masons renal I think you'll agree!" I laughed.
"Of course," He chuckled. "If they're churning out doctors like you there's no competition. Oh you need to take a left.." He started to say as I turned left. "How did you know that?" he asked in amazement.
"Your address is in your chart." I laughed. "Don't worry I'm not psychic."
"Oh," he said going a little red in the cheeks. "You had me fooled for a second." It was nice being in the car with him (a small enclosed and totally private space). It was so easy to just talk to him, to forget that I was a doctor and him a patient. Why did it have to be so easy to like him? Why did he have to be so perfect? I almost wish he was horrible and nasty, that way I wouldn't even have to think about what lines I might or might not be crossed. Almost, but not quite. I focused on driving round the sharp turns for a while, that way at least I wouldn't crash and kill us both. I could almost see the headlines, "Doctor kills patient by driving him home." I pulled into the small garden/drive through area in front of his apartment building, which looked like it had been somehow transported for 18th century England; I can't believe I'd never noticed it before.
Jasper must have notice me looking and simply said, "I like buildings. This one in particular, do you know it was actually built in 1953 and was modelled after a building in Scotland which was original built in … You probably don't care, do you? I'm sorry," He smiled shyly. "Sometimes I get a bit carried away."
"No!" I said instantly. "I mean, yes! I do. Care, I mean. I do care. I like listening to you talk," Oh dear God you did not just say that Alice! Oh no I think I did. "I mean it's a nice change from listening to myself talk."
He laughed, "Well thanks', most people run away screaming whenever I start talking about buildings." He glanced out the window quickly then back to me. "Thank you for the lift Alice, you know you didn't have to!"
"Of course I did, I don't want my first patient getting his entry points infected from dirty buss seats now do I? I'd be the one that would have to clean up the mess. I'm really saving myself work in the long run." I babbled. "You're welcome." I finally said. He gave me a quick nod and smiled before opening the door and exiting the bug. I watched him walk slowly up the path toward the large wooden from door.
He only taken a few steps when I put on my doctor cap on, he was staggering ever so slightly, his steps slow and deliberate but just a little out of sync. My heart slowed a little in chest, Oh no! I thought. I got out of the car as quickly as I could and got to him just as he lurched forward. I grabbed hold of his arm to steady him. His face was pale as paper and a stricken expression crossed it as his eyes became more alert and slowly red blotches started to spread across his cheeks. "Oh," He said. "That's, erm…that's never happened before. I'm sorry; I'm not usually such a damsel."
"I believe you," I said, but all hint of humour had left my voice. "It's just the Venofer; it can cause light-headedness, especially if you're not used to taking so much of it. Probably a mixture of that and standing up too fast. And you don't need to apologise, I'm your doctor, remember?"
He looked down at me, his eyes now focused completely on mine. I looked back up at him. We were so close, I was still holding onto his arm and his fingers were still wrapped around my wrist. I could feel the thump of his pulse against my arm. Fast, just like mine. His Ocean blue eyes just look at me, stripping me bare. Can he really see me? I think. It feels like those eyes could explore every corner of me, I could get lost in those eyes. I was getting lost. We were getting closer; I could feel his breath warm on my cheek. He didn't smell like hospital, he smelled of wood and ink…and it was wonderful. I could feel myself reaching up to him reaching up to…NO! I pulled away sharply, and so did he.
"Will you be okay getting up to your apartment?" I asked quietly not looking him in the eye.
"Yeah of course, I'll be fine." He said quickly.
"Well, goodnight then. I'll see you Wednesday."