Chapter 9 Remorse
This chapter will be retrospective snapshots from Cristina's diary and Burke's remorse. Thank you so much for the reviews, you have no idea how much they meant to me. Cristina will be back in no time, I promise.
English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!
Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC
Burke's POV
In the conference room
She was wearing her brown leather jacket, with her curly hair scattered at ease on her shoulder. She didn't wear makeup, her chocolate brown eyes sparkled when she talked. She looked gorgeous as she always did, I could nearly smell her perfume- a beautiful silky harmony with notes of oakmoss, sandalwood, musk and amber, just like her- an enigma. She seemed so close that I could nearly touch her in the screen.
"Preston Burke, three words, eight letters, I love you, always have, always will... My heart lays in your palm and it only beats for you..." Her petite figure always shown so much determination, listening to her vow amazed me and broke me at the same time. Everyone else in the room was crying, they couldn't believe Cristina can make such a commitment. Meredith kept shooting me death glares while Derek was at her side comforting her. I couldn't believe that she's gone, all the time I spent with her seemed so fresh like yesterday.
"I know you still love her, and I don't have the courage to give up on you and make you really happy when I'm alive because I'm selfish and I don't want to loose you... please don't forget me, think of me once in a while..." She thought I could just forgot her and be happy? No, I could never forget her because I can't live without her.
She thought I still love Katey, but I... it suddenly occurred to me that I don't, not anymore, not after she said she would lie for me if I need a heart and ask me don't ever die, not after she took a bullet for me and nearly killed herself, not after she lived up to her promise and lied for me. She died thinking that I loved another woman, but I love her. Only that I hesitated for a moment before telling her that and she saw right through me. I should have realized this long before. I felt like I am living the nightmare after she got shot again. At that day I admitted to myself that I couldn't live without her and she's the love of my life. How could I be so insensitive and stubborn? I should have known that Katey meant nothing to me long before. I should have tell her that I love her and only her. I should have proposed to her and made a family together with her. I had so many opportunities but yet somehow I screwed up. She laid her heart on my palm and I dropped it, stepped on it, crushed it and smashed it to pieces. I killed the woman that loved me the most on this planet, even my mother wouldn't have sacrificed this much for me.
I felt nauseous. The world seemed black and white in my eyes. Everything after the video seemed blur to me. The lawyer gave me a huge amount of check. I couldn't remember the number, I could only feel everyone's despise look. I don't want anything from her, I just want her back. Why did she leave me with this? I don't need this, I need her back. If I refuse this, will she come back? She will come back and yell at me for destroying her belongings right? I felt a sense of hope rising in my spine and immediately I tear the check to pieces. Why aren't you coming back yet? Please, Cristina, show up and yell at me. "Don't bother with it, Dr. Burke. Cristina knew you would refuse or destroy the check physically, so I had some spare ones here, I would always have a new one for you. So just accept it." The lawyer's word hit me hard. Cristina, why did you do this? I know you're always playing hide-and-seek with me and always managed to find a way to avoid me in this small hospital. Please, stop playing around with me this time and come to me. For once in my life, can you just stop avoiding me, come back and talk to me?
" Stop it! You have no right tearing her check, you have no right doing anything to her remains. You killed her, deal with it. You want to read her diary? Fine, you can read it but I'm not giving it to you that easily. You cannot get anything more from her that effortlessly. She wanted you to think about her and not forget her. So I will give you one page a day. ONE PAGE A DAY, Preston Burke." With her last word, Meredith slammed the door and left the conference room.
Cristina's Diary
10th, Oct, 2005
He asked me for a definition. I remembered his word clearly, " What are we doing now? Shall we talk about it? " " What do you want? Figure it out! " I don't know what we are doing now. Just as I told him, unlike his valve replacement, some questions don't have answers. Why did he and his stupid boy penis do this to me? I'm Cristina Yang, I'm not going to be the intern dealing with vaginas all the time. I am too brilliant for that, yes, I did a stupid thing, I quit being an attending only end up being an intern here just to work with the Preston Burke. But that doesn't mean I would quit cutting and bury myself in the freaking pick scrub.
I never thought we would end up with more than just colleagues, or mentor and student. It all started with a coffee and impulsive sex drive. I warned myself endless times that it is just fling, but it isn't. Hearing him whispering Katey's name hurts. I actually started to care about him, which I shouldn't. What's wrong with me? I even asked Michelle to dig into Katey's file in Zurich and Johnson in Mass Gen about their dating history in college. Sure, he dated Katey for 6 years from med school all the way towards the end of residency. But that bitch slept with the professor, took his fellowship and broke up with him. How could he still think about her?
Damn, why do I even give a crap about that. Must be estrogen. What should I do with this peanut in my uterus? I would definitely be a crappy mommy and a belly-up intern if I kept this baby. I should abort it, without doubt. But seeing the chicken soup and drugs he put in the on-call room made me hesitate. Damn, why did he do this hot and cold thing to me? One moment he slept with me, came to me with problems and took care of me, making me think he cared. Another moment, he murmured his ex's name at night and making me think I'm just a stupid knocked-up intern by her boss who happened to use her as a temporary replacement to forget his ex. What should I do? Should I tell him? Should I tell Meredith?
She actually hesitated about aborting the baby? Why didn't she tell me about that? I always thought she decided to abort it in the first place. I always blame her for not asking me personal questions and not knowing me. How could she stand being a replacement and not even asking me about it? She must been through a lot. Thinking about myself putting her through all the struggle made my heart ache. Cristina, you're gone for a day and I already started to miss you.
5th, Nov, 2005
I've lost my baby. I couldn't believe it. One second I was scheduling the appointment, Meredith and I were puking in the bathroom groaning about how McDreamy didn't tell her he had a wife and how Burke broke up with me like it was business, next second I was lying on a hospital bed without one fallopian tube. It is ridiculous how I lost it after Izzie told me I was right about the patient. I couldn't stop crying even after they sedated me. Because I blamed myself for loosing the baby I didn't want. Did I loose him because I was careless, I drank alcohol, jogged or did something wrong? Theoretically I knew it happened spontaneously, but I couldn't help it.
He caressed me and comforted me when I needed him the most. But he also dumped me when I was about to tell him I had a baby. Meredith was there for me when he wasn't. Meredith was the name listed as emergency contact person, she is my person. He is just an ass thinking about his ex after we had sex. He even wanted to have a relationship. Cristina, you can't have a relationship with a man who's still in love with his ex. Damn, I just couldn't say no to him, it's like he's my teacher, he's always right, I couldn't resist him. Now I see why Mer and I became friends, she is the dirty mistress and I am the pathetic replacement.
What's wrong with these men? Alex wouldn't give Izzie a kiss goodbye after their date, Shepherd wouldn't divorce his wife, Burke wanted to have a freaking relationship after he dumped me for his reputation. And I became that fat, pregnant girl who traded a mon
th post-op and enema only to get away from the psychic telling me about mommy-tracking. What did I get? I get to tell a
cancerous woman that she can't have a baby because she would die. I get to be a human porn machine delivering porn stories to relieve the pain for the poor man while George was performing an open-heart surgery in an elevator. This day is just becoming better and better. Why did I come to Seattle at all?!
I wasn't there for her when she needed me most, I wasn't even the first person she saw after the surgery. I was too worried to be seen by others that I couldn't step into her room the next morning before I made sure there was nobody around. I even confronted her about not telling me the baby. I never had any idea about the phychics or the cancerous pregnant woman. Why did I never find out that she was bothered by something while she always know I was upset? Meredith was right, I was just like others, I saw her cold exterior and assumed that she wouldn't get hurt. Cristina, I know I am wrong now. If I beg you, will you come back? Please, I'm begging you, I would do anything for you to come back.
16th, Nov, 2005
Oh, God, I never thought there would be a day I would be saved from an awkward date by someone collapsing at the next table. I had to admit that the surgery was great but why is my life such a huge drama ever since I came to Seattle Grace? Why was he so surprised that I ate red meat? Seriously, I wanted butter, he gave me olive oil. I wanted red wine, he ordered white wine, I wanted to open the door myself, he wanted to be a gentleman. I could even see the sweats pouring down the waiter's cheek.
He so didn't get me. I wanted our relationship to be private, and he went to tell the chief of surgery. Why did he think I didn't want him to tell the chief? It was not about me being kicked out of the programme like I told him. It was me hating the oh-you-came-here-being-a-freaking-intern-only-for-Burke look from the chief. It was me protecting his career because chief would see him as an irresponsible teacher dating an intern while the truth was he was not. Our situation was so different from the Mcdreamy drama. For starter, he is not married and I am not an intern. Well, technically I am not only he didn't know. But how am I supposed to tell him? Oh, I was an attending, I was just stuck at my clinical trial and tired of my over-protective step-father so I decided to come to SGH only to work with you? He would think I am out of my mind. Why did we put ourselves in these situations? Meredith said all this "pick me, choose me, love me" speech only to be dumped by Mcdreamy and I was stupid enough to fall for the man who dumped me and might not love me at all. Crap, did I just say I fall for him? Come on, I'm Cristina Yang, I can't fall for a man, especially not him.
I couldn't help but smile at her mention of our first and last awkward date. We are so different from each other but yet we still felt the strong chemist, that must mean something. We are meant to be. But I was too blind to see that. Every morning I walked through the nurse station hearing nurses whispering how stupid and pathetic I was to loose my precious intern. I couldn't go anywhere near the OR because that reminded me of you. I refused to do the surgery. Chief told me that you wanted me to do that. Alright, roger that. I would do the surgery as long as that's what you want. Do I get to forward a tiny request? You would be so pissed if you know your personal life was all over the gossip mill. So just came and yell at them to mind their own business, like you always did.