Chapter 6, Needles

It was, for once, a clear and crisp night in the sleepy city of Seattle. I could feel the wind brushing past my face as I blew my nose for the fiftieth time in the past hour. I must have looked something special. My eyes were red and swollen from all the crying and they were stinging in the cold air. My hair was sticking up in all kinds of directions and hadn't seen a styling product, or cleaning product, in at least 72 hours. I had finally stopped crying but now my nose was running and, after a few failed attempts of wipe it gracefully, I was making the most unladylike of noises.

Though after my nuclear melt down I didn't think my companion would mind a few nose blowings. I hope.

After I calmed down a little Jasper told me we should take a walk to clear my head. He didn't ask any questions, of which I was extremely grateful. In fact he didn't seem fazed by my display at all. I, on the other hand, was completely mortified. I seriously doubted he would trust me with his health care after this. I'd just be that crazy doctor that went insane.

Fantastic! I either kill my patients or scare them for life.

I couldn't stop thinking about Mrs Jeffery. The way her body jerked when I pushed those buttons. They way her chest rose and fell as someone forced air into her lungs. I could still feel the paddles in my hands. I didn't even realise she was dead until I heard Pauls voice in my ear telling me to stop. How can you not notice something like that? I would have kept surging electricity into her lifeless body, I wouldn't have stopped. How can you not notice someone's dead?

She's dead.

I should never have agreed that she could go home. If she had been in the hospital we could have noticed something was wrong sooner. It was probably sepsis, blood poisoning, the second most common cause of death for patients on haemodialysis. If she had been in the ward we would have picked up on the signs and I could have saved her.

Instead I watched her die.

"So are you from Seattle originally?" Jaspers voice floated into me head, bringing me out of my reprieve.

"What?" I said stupidly while my brain came back to reality. "Oh, erm, no, I moved here about eight months ago in March when I got the fellowship at Virginia Mason." I was quietly thankful for a neutral topic of conversation. Just walking in silence with Jasper felt nice, even if I had been getting lost in my own morbid thoughts, but hearing his voice was comforting.

"So where were you brought up?" He asked turning round to look at me. His pale face was illuminated in yellow street lamp light and his eyes were soft, caring.

"A small town by the coast, Forks. It's a nice place, I loved it growing up. It has this huge forest that just seems to stretch on forever, my brothers and I used to play in it growing up, we got so lost sometimes!" I feel my face almost smiling from the memories of Edward freaking out ever time we wandered off the beaten track. But I didn't smile.

"Sounds like you love it," Jasper said gently. "Why didn't you go back there after collage?"

I shook me head as I thought about my answer, "It's so small it doesn't even a hospital. Well, technically, it has a community hospital but it's not really the type of place you can do your training."

"Do you think you'd ever move back?" He continued to probe.

"Yeah, maybe one day…I don't know. I don't think they have any great need for a Nephrologist." I could feel myself getting a little more relaxed; it was easy to feel that way around Jasper. At least I thought so. "Mind if I ask a question?"

He raised an eyebrow in answer, urging to me continue. "Where are we going? We've been walking for ages!"

"I want to show you something, we're nearly there." I had no idea what he would want to show me, but for some unbeknown reason, I trusted him.

The wind was picking up now and I shivered as an icy cold blast caught me off guard.

"You're cold," Jasper said quickly taking off his jacket. "Here, wear this."

"No, you keep it I'm fi..." I started.

"No, you're not fine." He said matter-of-factly putting his long woollen coat round my tiny shoulders. "Let me take care of you for one night Dr Cullen, it's the least I can do."

I didn't argue with him, I just pulled the warm coat around me and gave him a thankful look. I tried to smile, but I couldn't do that just yet. The coat smelled like him, hospital disinfectant mixed with shampoo. I liked hospital disinfectant and shampoo. It almost made me smile.

"We're here," Jasper said pointing upwards.

"The Space Needle?" I asked cautiously. I'd seen it a thousand times, like everyone in Seattle.

"It was designed by Edward Carlson and John Graham. The design was created from Carlson's drawing of a balloon and Graham's fantasy of a flying saucer. It was completed in 1962, forty-eight years ago. Carlson and Graham both died twenty years ago but I can still tell you about the architectural firm John Graham ran with his father and Edwards Carlson's post as Lieutenant Commander in WW2." As Jasper's smooth voice filled the night air I looked up at the building I'd walked past a thousand times and never really noticed before.

"I think about them every time I look up that that Needle. So you see Dr Cullen, nobody lived forever, but none of us really die either." I could feel my fingers tightening around the lapel of Jaspers coat. I didn't want to start crying again, but my cheeks felt damp as warm tears stung my face.

"Melissa's children will always remember her. And they'll tell their children about her and then in five hundred years time her great great great great great granddaughter will make up a family tree and she'll learn all about her great great great great great grandmother."

Without even realising what was happening I could feel my lips curl up ever so slightly and as Jasper looked down at me with those deep, knowing eyes I almost felt okay. "She's not here anymore," He said slowly. "But she's not gone."

I glanced around then, trying to blink the tears out of my eyes, when something caught my eye. A clock on the side of a building.

"Its 2:41am," I said quietly. "Twenty-Four hours ago I watched my patient die, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I didn't do anything." My voice broke on the last word and all attempt to stop crying failed.

I felt his arms wrap around me for the second time tonight as he said quietly in my ear, "It's not your fault." He pulled away slightly. "Alice, look at me," he said sternly.

And I did. I looked up into those damn blue eyes, and I listened.

"This is not your fault."

And in some small part of me, I believed him.

AN: I wasn't going to post this originally because it's a bit short but I figured I was better posting it than let it gather dust on my computer. Lets just call it a mini chapter!

I meant to say earlier but if anyone has any questions about the medical stuff in the story just ask. I'm trying to stick to the facts as much as possible so if you want me to add a glossary or something for the medical words I'd be happy to.

And if anyone has any ideas or things they'd like to see in the story just let me know (by review or PM, i don;t mind), I know generally where I want the story to go but ideas are always welcome for the odd little story here and there.

okay, end of epic authors note! Thanks for reading.