Chapter 10 Keep Breathing
This chapter will be continue to be Cristina's diary and Burke's remorse. I quit GA at the end of S10 because Cristina left. She's my favorite cast in GA so don't worry, she will be back in next chapter.
English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!
Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC
Burke's POV
Cristina's Diary
24th, Nov,2005
It's thanksgiving day, Izzie and Burke were all excited about the big happy family festival or whatever. Burke was really a neat freak, he basically turned the kitchen into an OR. Watching him teach Izzie and barking orders to her made me feel...jealous. Yeah, I did feel jealous. I was jealous they could get along outside the hospital, I was jealous he could teach her cook. Because outside the hospital I don't know how to be a girlfriend, we don't talk that much, not that I want to. I hated it when he said we had to talk. I just want to do what a girlfriend should do, I want us to be something special other than mind-blowing sex and awkward silence when we were not having sex or talking about medicine. I want to feel needed by him as a girlfriend other than a great help at work or a live-in regular booty call. Damn it, why do I even care? Now I've become this irrational girlfriend jealous about her man teaching her friend how to cook a freaking thanksgiving dinner - which I should have hated and despised. Oh I couldn't stay here watching them anymore, I need to go back to the hospital, get some air, and be me again.
He was mad at me because I did't ask personal questions, and he whined some crap about it's hard to get to know me and his mother owns a restaurant in Alabama. What was that supposed to mean? If I were to ask any personal question, the first thing I would spit would be his ex, and I am damn sure he would be even more pissed. What did he want to hear from me? A happy family story? Wow, should I just tell him that my dad died when I was 9, he was there with me but he didn't remember. My mom was more interested in decorating the house than nursing me, my step-father was always put in between us and didn't know what to do. Jeez, why couldn't he just understand not every family is a happy big union like his, instead most families have some dark and dirty secrets that they would like keep to themselves. So I just prevaricated him with a surgery I scrubbed in that afternoon. I mean what else could I do?
Cristina, you could be honest with me, and I wouldn't be mad talking about Katey, I had no idea that I mentioned her name at sleep. I just want to know stuff about you. You think my family was that big perfect model family? No. My mother used to be so perplexed about her skin colour and how dad said she shouldn't be running a restaurant after I was born. They used to fight a lot when I was little. I don't have a perfect family and I understand sometimes people wouldn't want to share certain things. But by saying my mother owns a restaurant I didn't mean to intrude your privacy, I just wanted to get to know you. God, I never knew she read that much into a simple get-to-know-you conversation. That was so Cristina and I should have known better. We should have just told each other what we had in our mind, this way all these misunderstandings could be avoided.
10th, Dec, 2005
He left a key in a mug and asked me to move in. When Mer was complaining about how a one-night-stand guy from the bar should understand there won't be a house, kids and a bright future await, I was stunned at how he could push things so fast. Did he do this because he's guilty about making me loose my fallopian tube and he thought he should just make me his official girlfriend? Seriously, didn't that date teach him a lesson? We had to wait months after the first sex to figure out that our eating habits were complete opposite. What made him think that we could just ignore these differences? And he had the nerve to come and claim that he knew about little details of me and threatened to leave me if I didn't agree to move in. Fine, I showed him my house after the "There's nothing that you could reveal about yourself that I wouldn't want to know" speech, I could never forget that speechless look on his face. I can't believe he still thought moving in was a good idea. He was the first to act so calm after stepping a foot into my place. I guess that changed my perspective over him a bit. Maybe moving in wasn't such a bad idea after all.
I couldn't help but chuckle at her pussy comment. We did work out our differences eventually. My smile faded away at the sight of my perfectly clean apartment. I tossed all the towels on the bathroom floor, drop T-shirts everywhere, flipped through all the medical journals and filled my fridge with vodkas, pretending she's still here. The apartment was filled with deathly stillness without her dancing with ipod or watching surgical tapes. I don't know when solitude became such an unbearable torture. Every night I buried myself in her shirt, spooning her bag like she's still here. I used her Shampoo and conditioner to feel her scent. I couldn't breathe without her stuff around me. I still couldn't look at her files with 'deceased' beside her name. I know how the nurses called me 'the walking dead' after my back, but I didn't care. I can't care about anything anymore.
5th, Jan, 2006
Mer called him Mcdreamy again, unbelievable! How could he be so irresponsible to make her fall in love with him again when he was still happily married. Yes, everyone in this hospital witnessed their goofy eyes in the elevator would know that he loved her. But still, if he hadn't hurt him so much she wouldn't have put her hands in the bomb-man's chest. So I told him the bomb girl was Meredith, I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. His reaction was worth it, it assured me at least Mer didn't read him wrong.
I felt the fear I have never felt before today in that OR with the love of my life and my best friend. When Burke urged me to leave, I felt rage rising through my spine. He couldn't leave because he had the responsibility towards his patient and his intern. What made him think that I could leave with my best friend and lover's lives both in danger? What kind of people would that make me? He said he love me to the sleeping me last night. I love him too, I know that. But I couldn't tell him because I'm not sure whether he loved me or his ex more. And trying to figure that out was killing me. I told him to be the other guy, I think he knew that's my way of saying 'I love you'. I was so relieved that they were both safe and sound. leaning in his arms at night, I felt as if I were in the safest place in this world. At that moment I made up my mind, I wouldn't ask him about Katey anymore, if that would cost me him. I don't want to loose him. Replacement or not, I won't bother anymore, as long as I have his arms around me.
Grabbing her dress in my hands, I felt empty. Before meeting her, the OR was always my paradise. No matter what happened, I could always find my peace again in the OR. But watching Meredith throwing off her ashes in the sink made me wonder whether I could rekindle the love for anything again. Derek operated on my arm again and the tremors went away this time. Still, I couldn't step into that OR, the OR where she used to lie on the table, the OR where we used to work together against all odds, the OR where I used to search for the curve at the corner of her eyes so I knew she was smiling under the mask. I had to finally accept that she's not here anymore. There's no more 'us'. She's gone. I wanted to escape from here, from the apartment full of her signs, from the parking lot we used to walk out hand in hand, from the cafe we used to make goofy eyes whenever we saw each other passing by, from the surgical board where she used to arrange all my operations and wrote my name. But I can't. I can't stand moving to a place that couldn't remind me of her existence. This is the place I lost her and our babies. This is also the place we met and made love to each other.
10th, Feb, 2006
Derek paged me into the OR to support him during his wake up test. He said Burke might be in pain and fight the intubation. I didn't know what to say, this was the first time I was asked to comfort somebody. " Burke, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...wake up, wake up..." He opened his eyes but still seemed disoriented. " Wake up, baby. It's Cristina. Open your eyes. Do it for me." I wanted to touch him and caress him, but I'm afraid I would add to his pain apart from the intubation. Suddenly he started to twitch and struggle, his face twisted in pain and fear. I felt like someone was stabbing me by a knife, seeing him in such pain hurt me as well. Derek was ordering me to hold him down, I went to his side and grabbed his arms tightly, " Preston, it's Cristina, I need you to calm down, I know it's painful now but please do it for me..." He continued to cough, gasping for breath, moving his head, struggling to fight the tubes down his throat. I didn't know what to do anymore, I looked at Derek, he just said I had to calm him down.
But I really didn't know what to do...wait...there's one thing I could do for him. I held his chin in my hands and talked to him in the softest voice I could, "Preston, listen, it's Katey, I came back, I came back for you. It's katey, I got you. You're safe in my hands. It's Katey, calm down. Please, I came back for you, at least you need to do this for me okay? There was a complication, but we can fix you. I will fix you. I know it hurts, if you trust me, you need to calm down. Move your fingers on your right side. Can you do that? You can do this. Look at me. Look at Katey. On your right side, Okay? You and me, together we can do this." He seemed to be lucid and started to calm down.
I moved to his side and put my hand above his. "Preston, move your fingers, come on, you can do this. Move your fingers for me. You want me to stay? I will stay for you if you move your fingers. come on, hold my hand. HOLD MY HAND." He coughed again, tried his best and moved his thumb and index finger. " Good, Preston, you're doing good. Now I need you to touch each finger of your hand to your thumb." He stared at me with his teary brown eyes and slowly moved his index finger to touch his thumb. " Good. One...Two...Three...you're doing good, almost there. Keep going. Last two..." Finally he finished his task and they dozed him off again.
Letting go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding, I raised my head and found Derek staring at me with disbelief and sympathy. He must have figured out the whole story. Watching Katey's name had such a big impact on him, I didn't know whether I should jump with joy that the surgery was a success or brust into tears that me being there for him was nothing compared to Katey's return. I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I couldn't stay here any longer so I walked out of the OR and ran towards the nearest on-call room.
I couldn't believe I did that to her. The only thing I remembered keeping me lucid was her chocolate brown eyes with compassion and love. I didn't remember what she said, but I am sure that it's her not Katey that saved me from the tremendous amount of pain. It's her and it's always been her. I felt a lump in my throat and threw up. There was red, warm and sticky liquid all over my hand. Is god punishing me for hurting you? If so, am I going to see you soon?