Chapter 12 Sneak peak

I forgot to describe Fiona's look in last chapter, she's half Japanese, but she still has black hair and brown eyes, just straight hair this time. Also, she has become older- 32 now, Fiona's a normal fellow not a genius like Cristina after all.

I found some grammatical problem with tense, I'll try my best to correct them.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

Fiona's POV

Standing at his bedside, watching him sleep, I felt the peace I haven't felt for a long time. Although under sedation, he still looked like something was constantly bothering him, with a frown on his face. I wanted to sooth his brows, but I was afraid to touch him. I didn't know what to do with him now. I hated to see him in so much pain. A part of me wished him to suffer the same pain that he caused me, another part of me just wished I could caress him, let him spoon me just like the old times. Tears were swelling in my eyes. I tried my best not to let them fall. Cristina Yang doesn't do crying and emotional crap. I kept urging myself to stop acting crazy. Last time when I couldn't suppress my feeling anymore, he was there healing me. Now I was so close to him, yet I was all alone, and maybe would be all alone the rest of my life. I said to Mer that I don't want to be the pathetic intern anymore. But here I am, lost two babies and died, still couldn't sleep without him, still couldn't stop loving him, still couldn't stop hating him as well, how pathetic is that.

Sometimes if you think about it, love really makes you upside down and miserable. Mer told me that she tried to drown herself and forgot how to swim in the freezing cold water, nearly got herself killed. Derek saved her both time, insisting on giving her the last round of medication. Izzie was still moaning over the loss of Denny no matter how she and Alex felt for each other. George was married with Callie but still didn't know her middle name. Love was like a rapist and rape you in the most unexpected manners.

This was it. I couldn't live or breathe without him by my side, and I couldn't forgive him for cheating on me and made me lost my, no our baby. So I gave up. I begged Mer and Derek to keep an eye on his schedule and made sure he took his pills every night. Yes, I practically begged them. When it was Mer's turn to babysit Burke, she would call me after she was sure he was fast asleep. I would then sneak into his apartment or on-call room, spent a night by his side, and sneak out again before he was awake. I knew what I was doing was creepy and didn't make sense. I tried to hold his favourite tulane shirt, smelling his scent and force myself to sleep. But it would never work. I couldn't sleep without HIM by my side. And I knew he was the same. He would wake up at night, screaming my name, even under heavy dose of pills. He would be semi-conscious when he was in the nightmare. And he would calm down by me caressing his face, stroking his hair and whispering his name to his ears repeatedly. I would wake up from sleep in cold sweat, imagining my unborn babies crashed under the cars, crawling towards me with bloody hands, screaming 'Mommy' to me all the way. Whenever he sensed my abnormal breath, he would clung to me and spoon me automatically like nothing has ever changed. His embrace would calm me surprisingly.

Weeks went by and months went by, he didn't seem to sense any of my existence. I hadn't been caught when he was lucid even once. I guess maybe subconsciously he knew my existence, he just insisted that it was a dream and allowed himself to drown in this dream as long as possible. Before I started to sneak into his apartment, he wouldn't come back home and basically slept in the hospital. But after a while, Mer and Derek didn't have to force him to come home and take his pills. He would go home right after work, fed himself and took the pills.

" You realize this is impossible right? You were sleeping in his bed basically every other day. You must have left a hair on the pillow, some crease in his sheet, and hell even your perfume in his room. How could he not know someone was in his room? He maybe numb and grieving, but he's not dumb. You really wasn't caught even once? " Meredith still couldn't believe what I was doing. If I was told I would be sneaking into a man's apartment every other night a year ago, I would have mocked that person and gave him my death glare.

" I don't know, Mer. I think he knew. Maybe he just thought I was some angel or ghost coming back, or maybe he was just too afraid to confront me, he just thought it was too good to be true. " That was the only reason I could think of.

" Fine, even if this is true. But he WILL find out eventually, how are you going to explain to him that a stranger was in his bed every other night? Derek wouldn't cover up for you if he was asked why he gave you the key, you know that. " Mer wouldn't let me off the hook.

" You can threaten him if he told Burke anything about me then no sex for a week. " I honestly don't know how I would react if he found out.

" I don't want to be horny for an entire week so a big no no, that wouldn't happen. " Mer replied with a knowing smirk on her face, " You suck at changing topics, you know. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. I don't want you to get hurt or loose you again. "

" You won't. I would come up with an excuse, soon. Just let it go for the time being. " I pleaded her to stop asking questions.

" Okay. I shall go back to do nasty nasty with my boyfriend." She finally gave in.

" Just don't wake up your roommates all night, you know. " I teased her.

" You really is unbelievable." She ignored my comment and walked away.

In Mercy West

"Fiona, are you alright? I found that you act a bit strange lately. I got complaints from nurses about your bedside manners." Said Dr. Thompson.

"Sorry, Dr. Thompson. It won't happen again." Crap, did he notice the difference between Fiona and me? She's quite competitive like I do, just less sarcastic and more human. But it's normal to change a bit after a nearly-dead experience, right?

"Fiona, you know you can tell me if anything goes wrong. I know you're a bit scared by this whole fatal genetic disease news, but you work in a well-known cardio programme in the hospital. Whatever happened, we can fix you." He made a promise not to let me die from a heart attack.

"I know, pop. Leave the heart-to-heart talk to me, it really doesn't suit you." My pager rang at the moment, saved me from the cringy situation. "I have to go, ER needs a consult. But thanks for caring." I gave him a gentle smile and ran towards the ER.

In ER

"You paged cardio consult? " I lifted the curtain and stepped in, slightly stunned by the infant on the gurney screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Yes, I've done an echo on him, shows he has a mass on his heart." The red head I recently came to know replied with a compassionate voice.

I felt a wave of dizziness. This is deja vu, like my nightmare came true. If he has a cardiac tumor, he would be too unstable for us to remove the tumor. But for cardiac tumor, there's no other treatment except for surgical removal. Am I going to let another baby die on my watch? What kind of doctor would I be if I can't save anyone worth value to me in my life. First my dad, then Burke's tremor, now the baby...

"Dr. White, Dr. White..." I was so lost in my own thought that I ignored the current situation.

"This doesn't make sense. Cardiac tumor is found in the senior in 80% of the cases, a baby can't possibly have a cardiac tumor. Does he have any family history? " I grabbed the chart furiously and started glancing through it.

"No known history for cardiac disorder. But he inherited stage IV melanoma from his mother when he was born. So best guess this could be metastatic."

"What? Even if melanoma is highly invasive, transferring from mother to infant is extremely rare. There are like 3 cases where it transferred to the placenta and another 3 to infant eventually. He's only two months old, he can't even survive chemo therapy." I don't know if I'm trying to persuade Kepner or trying to settle myself for the spontaneous rage towards the unfair world now.

"Dr. White, there has to be something that we can do, right? We can't just let this baby die without doing anything. Look at him, he's a fighter!" Kepner's voice raised slightly, her chest moving violently indicating her emotions.

"Dr. Kepner, he has secondary cardiac tumor, surgical removal is his only option. But the surgery is too invasive for him now. And cardiac cells don't respond to any other therapy. So you and I both know that there's nothing more we can do here. Maybe making him continue to surfer was more catastrophic for him. Just try to relieve his pain and inform his parents." I felt a sharp pain travelling through my spine. I couldn't stay here for another minute. I have to go.

"He doesn't have any next-to-kin. Her mother was an orphan and a single parent. She died right after giving birth to him. I have to contact social services."

"Just keep him here as long as you can. Don't contact them yet, he's too unstable." The order slipped out of my mouth. I fled from the scene.

Everything after that during the shift was a blur to me. I wondered around in Fiona's apartment. I don't know who I can talk with. Of course, normally I would go to Mer, but she has her own problem as well. Making her and Derek taking care of Burke had already caused enough trouble for her. I couldn't bother her with my problems when she's finally happy with Mcdreamy now. There's no other moment than this when I missed his hug and his voice so much that I couldn't hold it back anymore. I have to see him now. I grabbed the keys and rushed out to his place.