Chapter 13 the Night
I'm kinda experiencing a writer block now. I had some plots but I had difficulties to put them into words. I'm such a newbie to creative writing... Anyway I forced myself to complete the chapter. I could really use a beta or any suggestions. And thanks for the review!
Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC
Fiona's POV
In Burke's apartment
It was raining cat and dogs outside. Taking the key, my mind was screaming for me to stop right there, but another part of my mind was commanding me to rotate the key and enter that door. He's not asleep now, maybe he's still on call. If he's right behind the door, maybe enjoying his dinner, what am I going to say? That I'm a crazy ghost coming back from death and I need your comfort now? It doesn't make sense at all. I used to believe in science, not spiritual, not religious. But now I'm a real life textbook for the spiritual, how ironic is that. I'd rather him looking at me like I'm a nobody to him than him looking at me like I'm a psycho. I can't stand the possible u-must-be-crazy strange and disapproving from the man I loved and still love. Whatever. Steps. This is the last step I'm going to take for this long haul. If this fails, if he can't accept it or even try to refer me to shrink or send me to the police for trespassing, then this is it. I'm not a spiritual person, but this time I'm going to believe in something bigger than medicine once. I'm Cristina Yang. I'm not going to continue this whole sneaking into his apartment thing. I'm not going to avoid my problem or sugarcoat it. I'm a doer.
I used the key without letting myself flinch further. The room was completely dark. Lights from the street passed through the window. He was sitting at the couch, staring into the hustling and bustling street. He didn't show any response to the sound of door cracking open. He looked frozen to the spot he was sitting, literally frozen.
"You knew. You knew it and you pretended you don't have a clue. Why?" I tried to figure out if he knew my presence in the past month.
"Who are you?" He finally turned his sight towards my direction, not answering my question.
"I don't know who I am anymore. But I think you know who I am. You just need answers, you always need answers from me. Like most of the times, I don't have one. I don't know who I am, I don't know why I came. Maybe I prefer pick ups than forceps, maybe I need a closure..." I was stilling standing at the door, leaving it wide open. He jumped from the couch, rushed to my side and hugged me and put his chin beside my neck like he was trying to take a piece of me with him. I felt warm liquid drooling into my shoulder.
"You're back. I know I'm hallucinating. But this time you feel so real. Don't leave me, don't leave me ever again." He put all his love, compassion, sorrow, desperation, fear and hope into one longing kiss. I couldn't breathe. He thinks he's hallucinating. Whatever. At this moment, I just wanted his embrace. I just wanted to be with him. Everything else could wait. He quickly pulled me into the bedroom and discarded my clothes drenched with water. Soon I felt myself melted into him.
The next morning
I was waken by the flash of sunlight shining through the window. Last night's memory struck me immediately. He always had the power to comfort me and calm me down. He always had his control over me even when he thought he was simply hallucinating. When he woke up, he might regret what he did last night. He might even want to throw me out of his apartment. But that's fine. I got the closure and comfort I wanted, he owed me that. I took a look at my pager. It's 7.00 A.M. I had rounds at 8. Taking a last glance at his peaceful face in sleep, I knew this may be the last time I came here. Once, he might think it's just his hallucination, but twice he wouldn't be fooled. I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and started to pick up my clothes scattered on the carpet. Then I felt his hands holding my waist and wouldn't let go.
"Cristina, don't leave me. I know you're really back. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I just need you to tell me we still have a chance. Please, just tell me that." He's pleading me. I could feel his warm breath at my back. I pulled myself away from him. I couldn't tell him that we still have a chance. He's everywhere. When I saw the dying baby in the ER, it reminded me of our baby, it reminded me of HIM. When I glanced through the cereal and coffee machine in his kitchen, it reminded me of the time we spent together. It's true that I couldn't forgive him. Yet I couldn't leave him either.
"...My name is Fiona White and I worked in Mercy West now." I couldn't promise him so I ranted on about my new identity. I looked straight into his eyes and I saw the love that I longed for such a long time.
"Cris, I don't care what your name is. You are my Cristina. And I love you, I mean it. I love you. You could spend the rest of your life hating me and making my life a living hell. I know I screwed up but I need another chance, give me another chance." He started to kiss me, desperately trying to get my approval.
"I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I could die..."
"Don't say that! Don't say that word ever again. You won't die, don't even think about it. Say it, Cristina, say it..." When he was looking at me with his oval brown eyes full of affection, I knew I couldn't say no to him. Just like every time before, I couldn't say no to any of his wishes.
"Fine. We have a chance. But Mer and Derek don't need to know about this. I wouldn't move in with you. You wouldn't threaten me to walk away every time things go wrong."
"Anything you say, as long as you are with me. I miss you so much..." I miss you too.
"Don't make a big deal about it. It's just a chance, doesn't mean anything." I felt a burden suddenly left off my shoulders. I felt a strange sense of relief. Karma kept piecing us back together like the missing puzzle, it had to mean something.
"It means everything to me. You're my life. I can't live without you. Stay here, take the day off. Don't leave me." He hugged me so tight to the extent that I was short of breath.
"Burke, I have to go. I have a patient to check on." I continued putting on my tops. "Promise me you'll come back tonight." He pleaded with his puppy eyes. "I will. And Burke...be the other guy." I couldn't suppress my chuckle the minute of slipping it out. The other particular three words might be difficult for me to say now. But I wanted him to know that he still had my heart. I didn't know how we could get through this. I refused to think about all the what ifs and consequences. I just wanted to live the moment. With that said I left this place that contained all the bittersweet memories and headed to Mercy West.
In Mercy West
I walked towards the nurse station, hearing the nurses gossiping on and on about some Harper Avery nomination. Nurses never change, no matter in which hospital. Annoying nurses, but still you can't piss them off. I smirked at myself remembering the time when they paged me non-stop for enemas and the gross stuffs and I even mistook that for Bailey's rage towards Burke's relationship with me. Crap, this man is really everywhere. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? I closed the sick baby's chart and was about to start rounds when I caught one of the nurse's voice, "Did you hear that Dr. Burke of Seattle Grace is the strongest nomination this year? He could probably win the Harper Avery this year for the two CABGs he did this year and his research on stem-cell therapy for coronary heart disease."
"Yes, now I'm jealous of my friend working in SGH, they get to see those hot doctors every day. Why don't we have any good looking doctors here? This is so unfair." The nurse mumbled with a dreamy tone.
"Oh, come on, don't say that. I say Jackson Avery is good-looking though, you should probably try flirting with him."
I didn't pay attention to the rest of their conversation. He is going to win a Harper Avery because of the CABGs I did for him? I did all his surgeries, covered up for him and now I won him a Harper Avery. And what did I get? I was crashed by a car, I lost a baby and I died. So he's just gonna take all the credit and get to be this hot shot doctor and maybe the youngest Harper Avery winner? Unbelievable!
I took out my phone and texted Mer, "Tell him that I won't go to the apartment tonight. And no need to call me tonight as well. Thx, Mer, have to go to rounds now, catch up with u later." "WTH happened last night? Did you tell him everything? We are so not done with this conversation!" She replied after a minute. I locked the screen and ignored her everlasting desire for girl talks. I will deal with her later. Now the patient with the cardiac tumor would be my priority, not Mer and especially not that arrogant ass.
The baby was lying in the crib in NICU. He looked so peaceful under sedation that freed him from all the pains and struggles. He was innocent yet god was so unfair to him. His mother gave him melanoma that caused him all his pain and died on him. He didn't have any relatives and a father. He did nothing wrong. He didn't deserve to be born to die in such a misery. He deserved to be raised by a loving parents just like my baby. Did my baby knew that I would be a crappy mom just like Ellis Grey so he or she didn't want to be my kid? Was that why I couldn't keep my babies? I couldn't save my baby, but I have to save this baby. I have to save him. Cristina Yang doesn't fail at anything. There has to be a way to save the baby.