Chapter 15 Breathe

Sorry for those who received the alert. I just corrected some typos in this Chapter.

Apologies for last chapter，I realized that I typed Dr. Thomas for Dr. Thompson by mistake. Sorry I didn't update much lately since it's exam block, but I'm on a semester break now, should update more frequently, stay tunned! Also, reviews keep me going, so please R&R.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

Fiona's POV

At the dining table afterwards

"Thanks for your steak, that is awesome. And save your lecture about the potential risk of red meat on heart vessels." I thanked him with satisfaction.

"As long as you tell me we are over the whole Harper Avery thing."

"Burke, I did the surgeries because I wanted to be able to help you with something once in my life. Before, the only thing I could give you in this relationship was sex. You cook for me, you did my laundries, you were my mentor. I was a baby in regards to surgical field and household chores. Only at that time, you couldn't be you without me and I feel you need me, not just only for sex." This was the first time that I opened myself up to him because I knew if I wanted us to work, I needed him to at least know what I thought. This whole relationship thing was new to me, but I was trying.

"Shh...come here." He patted his lap. I followed his lead and sat there, placing my head on his chest. Oh god, I missed this.

"You are much more than an exclusive sex partner to me. You made me happier than ever. I needed you more than just for sex and it would stay that way. You were not a replacement of anyone and you would never be. I loved you and I will always love you. I am sorry for what I did to you and I could repeat it a million times if that could erase your doubt." That is Burke. He always knew how to say the most appropriate words at the most appropriate timing.

"You don't need to. I always believed that actions speak louder than words. So just prove it to me. I can't say that three words to you right now. But yea, we're over the Harper Avery thing. I would be happy for you if you win that...no, when you win that. I've read all the other articles, you were the best, as usual. And you know what, I don't care about that anymore because I might win my own Harper Avery. I'm starting a clinical trial."

"Wow, that's great. Tell me more about that." He was genuinely surprised at my confidence.

"Ok, there's this baby inherited end stage melanoma from his mother. He was having a metastatic cardiac tumor but he was too weak for surgery. This idea of trying T-cell therapy came to me when I was reading an article analyzing all the Harper Avery winners in recent years. I just...I have to save him. He was so small and he had no one...and I couldn't loose another baby..." Tears were swelling in my eyes. I couldn't suppress my distress anymore. "I...I have to...I have to find a way to...save..." A panick attack struck me and I was gasping for air.

"Shh...It's ok, you're Cristina Yang, you could save him. It's ok, breathe. Breathe with me..." He rubbed my back, stroked my hair and caressed me just like he did last time with my break down. My cries stopped gradually. I felt I could breathe again. Listening to his steady heartbeat, I fell asleep in his arms.

In Mercy West Laboratory

Looking at all the transgenic mice in the cages in front of me, for the first time in my life, I felt such great responsibility of the touch-and-go life depending solely on me and my skills. Although technically I would repeat to my interns and residents, or even to my fellow surgeons every day that we are surgeons, we save lives, never once in my life have I actually felt a connection to my patient like what I felt now towards baby Nason. Yes, I did felt a connection to Liz Fallon once, which is why I was so devastated after her death. Some would say it is not good to bond with your patient too much because then you would start to make irrational decisions. This is what I have always believed through out my career. This is why I asked Burke to confront Sidney regarding the amputation for the patient. At that time I thought she was making irrational decisions and risking the best chances to save the patient because of her bond with the athlete. But now I started to question myself, is it really suitable for me to continue making treatment plans for Nason when I felt such a connection to him? Just as George once said, I am a robot. Being a robot is what makes me precise, delicate and accurate in surgery. What if I made a wrong decision for Nason? He couldn't afford any mistake, he was too fragile for that...

"So, Dr. White, we're doing a HER2-CAR T-cell therapy on the mices to see the improvement, right?" My thought was interrupted by the resident on my service today-Dr. Shane Ross. I was planning to put him on my service for a month or so since he reminded me of myself when I was a resident. Sharp, like a shark.

"Why are we using HER2-CAR T-cell therapy?"

"HER2 is overexpressed in most metastatic tumors and melanoma, which is why it is specifically designed to target Nason's melanoma and cardiac sarcoma." He answered fluently with a smirk on his face.

"And what is the clinical outcome published on JCO last year?"

"4 patients out of 17 have their sarcoma removed and 13 continued with progressive disease."

"Do you know why I still started my trial based on the same methods regardless of its high mortality?"

"All patients free of tumor were stable in 35 to 45 months without relapse, which is very rare case in invasive sarcoma. It's worth a try for Nason. This is his last chance." I could see the flame and compassion in his eyes at the same time. Some people don't understand our excitement towards a life-threatening challenging disease. That's how we learn. That is how we became experienced surgeons. Only this time, failure is not acceptable. I WILL save this baby.

"Looks like someone have done their homework. You're Happy now. Happy, you're officially my assistant on this trial. Take Nason's blood and transfer it through leukopheresis. And then we'll infect it with the virus after trying the best concentration on mice. This would take months. Meanwhile, you should start looking for 20 candidates of suitable age and invasive sarcoma."

"Yes! Thank you for your trust, Dr. White, you'll not regret it, I..." He put his typical happy face on.

"Shut up and go!" He followed my instruction and rushed to the office.

In Mercy west NICU

Nason was sleeping peacefully in the incubator. He was so small yet carrying the weight of the world. I was in the dead daddy club so I knew what it felt like to lose someone who loved you most in this world. Nason didn't have a father, he was probably the product of a one night stand. What piled up on that was his mother died giving birth to him.

I don't believe in god or santa claus, I believe in medicine. But it makes no sense that he was brought to this world simply to suffer and agony. It has to be a reason that he was brought here to me, when I kept losing my baby. I thought female was made to respond to baby cries, that was why babies were thought to be adorable. But Nason, he was not adorable, he was hard core. He fought like hell for his life. I don't want to be the one to end his life, I want to save him. I want the best for him. I want him to live a long and boring life. And I didn't do it out of love or something. Cristina Yang don't do love. I want to save him simply because he was determined and tough, he could make a great surgeon. I am saving him so that he could save more lives in the near future. Yea, I didn't love him, I was justing trying my best to save him for the greater good. I hadn't bonded with him. So I could make rational decisions, I could choose the best for him. That would not make me Sidney, but make me a good surgeon.

At the apartment

With a shovel in his hand, Burke kissed me on the cheek to welcome me. A smell of curry and chicken. I tilted my head towards the pot and saw he was cooking butter chicken. Oh, I love that. Reminds me of the good time we spent when I would buy tons of chicken for him to practice suture and he ended up cooking meals for me. With a grimace on his face, he handed me the plate with butter chicken, vegetables and rice on it. I smiled at him and sat down beside the dining table.

"So, how is your day? Tell me more about your trial." He initiated the conversation. Usually I hated the talking part, but today I really needed that.

"Thanks for asking. It was going fine. I was trying to altar HER2-CAR T-cell a little bit so it could target the tumor with more precision. And after I figured it out, I plan to do an adoptive transfer on cardiac cells..." How do I tell him that I'm doubting myself? I never doubted myself, not even when I was covering for his tremor. So why now?

"Cris, something is wrong. You don't talk like that. You don't say thank you and you definitely wouldn't thank me for talking to you. Is this about the baby?" He hit the nail on the head.

"No, no it's not. It's just...I had a thing. I had this thing." I couldn't tell him about Nason. Hearing the word baby drew blood from my heart. I would still have nightmares about him naked with Kim and my baby hit by a car. I would have never pictured myself as the type that would fall back into the arms of the cheating boyfriend. But who knows, I would never picture myself as the type that would date a man still hovering over his ex-girlfriend.

"Okay." I could see the hurt in his eyes clearly but I wouldn't bother now. Yeah, he did comfort me when I needed him and moved in with me instead of asking me to move in with him, which was a huge step for a man with such a big ego. But he did cheat on me and give me the silent treatment as well. I wasn't over these yet. The rest of our dinner continued in a uncomfortable silence. After helping him washing the dishes, I went to bed without another word.

A weight was added to the other side of the bed. I could feel his strong arms and warm hands around my stomach. I could never love anyone so much in my wildest imagination. But I did. Only I didn't know how we were going to get through this.

"I've read your diaries." He said. My body stiffened instantly at his words. What was he trying to say? Was he trying to bring up the painful memory and apologize? I was not ready for that...

"It broke my heart to read these words. I read them word by word for countless times. I understand that you are the kind that would like to keep your feelings to yourself. But I love you and I wouldn't know how to if you don't let me."

I stood up and pulled myself away from his embrace angrily.

"So you're saying it's all my fault? I didn't talk to you so it was ok that you went out and screw another woman?"

"No, Cristina, that's not what I meant. The way I love you is consuming. You never cease to amaze me and I would never know what's on your mind. You said that you wanted to placate me with something else other than sex. It's the same with me! The only way I could placate you was giving you an opportunity to scrub in with me because I don't know blandishments. I am not the kind of guy that knows how to placate a girl and you are not just a random girl. You're the most competitive, guarded, stubborn, the most challenging person I have ever met. I love you. But I am insecure about this. I am in fear of losing you every minute along the way. And so are you. I am deeply, deeply sorry that I cheated on you. I want you to know that I never knew I said her name at night and I never dated you because you were a replacement. To me you are the one and only Cristina and that made me walking around on pins and needles. So please, Cris, please let me in, talk to me instead of talking to your diary."

It hit me hard that he was as insecure about this relationship as I did. If we had been more honest to each other and our true feelings none of these would have happened. I decided to start from the most simple thing- declare my feelings for him.

"Burke, I am head over heels, down a flight of stairs, and spread eagle on the floor in love with you. So you don't need to look for another way to placate me- surgery would always be the best. I don't know how to forgive you or trust you again. But I know we will get through this. We stick together and we will get through this."

He replied by pulling me into a an earth shattering, knee quaking, life changing kiss.