Chapter 16 Doubt

I'd like to ask would you like to see Owen's presense in this fiction? I personally disliked Owen a lot now because he moved on in such a short time after Cristina left, he even stated that he felt relieved after he heard about the plane crash when he thought Cristina died. Anyway, tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

Fiona's POV

Hot water was splashing down my body. Bathroom was the second place I could clear my mind besides the OR. I looked at myself through the vapour on the glass mirror. This face is not familiar anymore. I've literally changed to a different person. I was lucky that Mer and Burke still accepted me regardless of my shelter. Meredith told me that she saw her mother when she was dying, that was why she believed in me immediately. Burke...I don't know why he didn't freak out or call me a psych...Not only has my shell changed, my life changed dramatically over the past two years as well. I turned my world upside down for a man and I made friends, not say hello and forget about them kind of friends, but share your darkest secrets with them kind of friends.

Seattle grace is a magic place. Miracles and horrible disasters were drawn to this place at the same time. You could witness an intern spread syphilis around the surgical floor. You could witness an open heart operation in the elevator. You could witness an intern fall in love with a patient and almost tried to steal a heart for him. You could witness an intern perform all the surgeries for the attending to cover up for his tremor. Seattle grace is a place where a bomb can be found in the patient's cavity, a romance can happen in an elevator, a thong can be hang on the bulletin board. It is also a place you came in a normal self and came out a completely different person.

A man stole my heart and taught me how to love. He begged me to talk to him instead of talking to my diary. I used to tell my dad everything. But he died on my watch. I hadn't shared my emotions with anybody else ever since. My diary was the only one I could trust with my deep thoughts and secrets over the years. Burke was the second man in my life that I knew inside out and love with my heart. Can I trust him and let him in? Will he leave me like my dad did?

"I have trust issues with men. My dad left me when I was nine, and you add insult to the injury. I don't share feelings with anyone, I don't make friends, and that's until I came to Seattle Grace. California was too sunny, the rains in Seattle suit my mood. And Seattle Grace ranked first as an educational hospital. I was stuck with my conduit trial so I came here trying to get some fresh views. That's all you get for now." With the paragraph written in a brand new notebook, I put the diary on the desk and left a post-it saying, "I AM talking to you."

This is the best way I could think of right now. I was not comfortable about saying stuff out loud. But I would try. That's what you do in a relationship after all, you compromise. I lived with my mother for 18 years and yet we didn't get along. How are you supposed to get along with your significant other- a stranger while you couldn't get along with the person you lived most of your life with? We- my mother and I- didn't compromise in this relationship so we failed. I get that now. I don't have a second chance anymore with her because she wouldn't believe me. But I have a second chance with Burke, and I am not going to screw it up.

In Mercy West, OR3

"Okay, now I have injected the altered HER2-CAR T-cell into the cardiomyocytes of Mr. Kalman, we will wait and see the next step." Shane was holding a video camera recording every step along the trial, hope that we could see some progress. As similar as he was to me when I was a resident, there was one quality that was unique with him. He was compassionate for every one of his patients, the extent of which was between Izzie and I. That annoyed me and delighted me at the same time. On the one hand, he could devote himself into the work because of his sympathy. On the other hand, he could also ruin his reputation if he got too involved.

"Happy, keep an eye on Mr. Kalman and report to me every two hours about the progress." I ordered him. "Roger that, Dr. White."

5 hours later

I was having dinner at the cafeteria alone when my pager went off, it was a 911 from Shane. Crap, this must be something to do with Mr. Kalman. Please be alive when I get there. I rushed to the ICU and found Shane pacing around the doorway. "What's wrong?" I asked him, holding a breath I didn't even realize. "The T-cell killed too many cells at once and his heart couldn't handle the pressure. He was gone." He pointed his chin towards the monitor to show me the patient's ECG. It was flat line. He was gone. The first patient in my trial was a failure. "OK. Let's figure out why this happened and don't make the same mistake again. Schedule the next patient for surgery tomorrow." We have to do this fast, Nason doesn't have enough time. With a nod, Shane walked away silently without a word. I knew he was upset. But he had to deal with it, we both had to.

The following day at OR2

"I stayed up all night at the laboratory looking through the sections of Mr. Kalman's cardiomyocytes and found the error. It was the partial inhibition of HER2-PI3K pathway that stop class IA PI3Ks from maintaining normal function in presence of stress. I altered it again, let's hope it would be effective this time." I took out the syringe and explained to Shane when he made an incision in the chest cavity and exposed the beating heart. A giant mass, the size of a golf ball was sitting on the superior vena cava appeared in our sight. Shane's body stiffened immediately at the sight of the mass, it was larger than we had estimated on the angiogram. I could felt he was panicking over the unexpected situation.

"Shane, didn't they teach you the angiogram was not as accurate as you would think it was? Now, tell me, what's our next step?" I have to calm him down or he would just mess up with the injection. This time, I need him to do the injection the same time as I did for the mixture to be effective. If he couldn't calm down, he would mess up with the injection and that would help with the situation. At this very moment, I am starting to miss Burke. He was always calm in the OR, always in control. He was calm when there was a bomb in the patient's body cavity, he was calm even when the heart was on fire. He was the my best partner in the OR, I understood the meaning of every change in his voice and expression. But he is not here. I have to do this with Shane.

Shane got himself together immediately after my question, "The next step is...we inject the solution to his heart." His hands were still trembling.

"It's okay, Shane. We practiced dozens of times this morning, remember? You can do this. We can inject it at the same speed. We HAVE to do this or the patient dies." I looked at him straight in the eyes and emphasized on the last sentence. I knew how terrible he felt after Mr. Kalman died yesterday. He was in need of encouragement and faith at the moment.

"Ok, I'm ready. Let's do this." He took in a deep breath and started to push the plunger. But he was pushing it at a awfully fast speed. The percentage shown on the two screens were 45% and 65% respectively.

"Shane, look at me. Slow down, no need to rush. Look at me." I patted his shoulder with my spare hand. His tense muscle eased at my touch and gradually, he slowed down his speed. The monitors were now indicating 85% and 86% respectively. We signed in unition at the sight of 100% on the screen. The OR was filled with claps and joys instantly. I could see the drooping at the outer corner of Shane's brown eyes, indicating he was smiling.

"Good job, everyone. Let's wait and see if it works out." With a satisfactory grimace on my face, I walked out of the OR, silently hoping the next time I came in I would be performing surgery on Nason.

5 hours later

"Damn it..." Shane punched his fist at the wall in angst. Blood was dropping from his hand. The second patient was dead too because we couldn't stop the rapidly growing tumor. For patients with tumor at that size, 10 hours could be the distance between life and death. Though the patient was announced death sentence by all the other doctors, we were their last hope. And we crushed that hope. I wanted to say some comforting words to cheer him up, words like it could take dozens of death before a success show up in a trial, or words like the only published trial had a mortality rate of 13 out of 17, this was only our second patient, we could do better. But the truth is I feel a lump at my throat and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even convince myself right now. So I just dress the wounds with cotton pads and stitched his skin.

"I hope I could tell you this feeling of powerlessness would pass, but it won't. You have to deal with it. It would be your best friend throughout your career. That's what you pay for being a physician." I hate to crush his passion as a surgeon, but this is what we are faced with every day. There are always more patients died on your watch than survived, There are always devastating dependents accusing you of your incompetence. I left Shane alone in the room and rushed out of the hospital. I really need my person now.

I checked my phone, ignored 20 texts from Burke and speed dialed Mer's number. Burke became really mushy and sticky since we rekindled. I could deal with him later. Now I just need my person and shots of salt, lemon and tequilas.

"Mer, are you off your shift?" Geez, please say yes.

"Um...Yea, what's up Fiona?" Sensing my desperation, she immediately said yes.

"I need you now. Joe's in 30 minutes." I was about to hang up when she called out at the other end of the line. "Wait, Burke was sick worried about you, what should I tell him?"

"Tell him we will be at Joe's and he's not welcome." I finally hang up without listening to Mer's whining anymore. She would know how to send him home. I don't have to deal with him tonight because I would be too intoxicated by the time Mer drove me home.