Chapter 20 Selfless and expandable
Leighton Meester's 'words I couldn't say' was floating in my mind when I was writing this chapter, I highly recommend you guys give it a try.
Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.
Fiona's POV
Surrounded by the humming and beeping of the machines, I blinked my eyes trying to adjust to the sparkling light. Memories of previous night flooded back, I felt as if the wind was knocked out of me. A warm and large hand was gripping my hand and I knew exactly whose hand it was without even looking down at him. Glancing around, I realized I was in seattle grace again. Even after several months of absence, I could still find my way around. I reached out to the counter carefully to get a hold of the water. Burke was alerted by the movement of my body, his eyes fluttered open. At the moment my eyes locked with his, I tilted my head to avoid his gaze, letting the black curtain of my hair falling around my cheek.
"Cris, do you still feel dizzy right now?" He whispered his fingers across my hair. I stiffened at his touch and pulled away from him instantly. I could still feel the crazy man's touch all over my body. I wanted to escape from everything and just took a shower to wash over his trace. I didn't say a word or answer his question. I was not ready to face him, not yet. I'd rather be in Kim's room than be together with him. What a topsy-turvy world I was in.
"Please, Cris, talk to me. You can blame me or be mad at me, whatever you want. I just need to know that you're alright." I remained silent and pressed the buzzer tucked into the bed. In a minute, Olivia came in. She was confused why she was needed despite the presence of an attending but she took a look at the chart and asked anyway, "How can you help you, Miss White?"
"For starter, get him out of my room. I don't want to see him or Meredith Grey in my room during my stay. Secondly, you can tell me where Katey Kim is and discharge me now." I pointed at Burke and gestured him to get out of my room.
"There must be some misunderstanding here, Dr. Burke is an award-winning doctor and I'm sure he can take good care of you..." Olivia was stunned at my resistance to Burke's presence.
"It's ok, Olivia. I'm leaving now." He stood up from his chair, ran a hand over his face. He sway a bit and nearly tiptoed himself over the floor on his way out. Watching him suffer hit me right in the core, but I'm too busy gluing my pieces together to care about his feelings. He deserved that.
"Um...Miss White, Dr. Kim was currently in room 2809, I understood your concerns about her since you're in the...together, you can drop by and pay her a visit. As for discharge, we couldn't discharge you until we evaluate your condition. Since you denied the service of an attending and a resident, I have to ask do you have someone specific on your mind to evaluate your conditions?" Olivia snapped at me, obviously angry that I have thrown her superior out of my room in her face. Right, I forgot, nurses love arrogant Dr. Burke.
"Tell Derek Shepherd to get his ass down here." I ordered the nurse, too exhausted to pick up a fight now. "As you wish, Miss. White." Olivia walked away with a strange expression on her face. She's probably wondering how I knew so many doctors in this hospital.
If I had a choice, I wouldn't speak to Derek right now. He and Burke were two peas in a pod. If he hadn't told Meredith not to tell me about Kim, maybe none of this would have happened. The pain I felt after hearing the the love of my life abandoning my life still hit me like a lightning bolt. I felt butterflies in my stomach and thick mucus constricting my airway. I would have been raped if Kim hadn't stood out for me. It was hilarious in every possible way that the one should stood out for me didn't choose to save my life whilst the one I detested became my scapegoat.
"I'm sorry, Fiona, I really am. If I had known something like this would happen I wouldn't..." Derek's word was cut off by me question.
"If it were Addison and Meredith over there and you can only choose one, who would you choose?" Judging by his stunned face, he was caught off guard by my analogy. But I have to know. Every damn man in this hospital were alike to a certain extent. They may not see eye to eye all the time. But when it came to a decision, they would make similar one. So I need to know.
"I...I don't know. I want to tell you I would choose Meredith but honestly, I don' know. And I wouldn't have an answer unless I was thrown in that situation. Meredith was worried about you. You should at least let her see you. It's not her fault not to tell you. I made her promised not to tell you. So if you have anyone to blame, blame me." I could see the answer in his navy blue eyes. He would make the same choice. He would choose Addison.
"Say it like you mean it. Yes, you're a jerk for making her hiding this from me. But your action didn't hurt me because you're not my person. She is. She should always be on my side whilst she took Burke's side. So tell her I'm done with her." I snapped at him in anger.
"I know it's not my place to say anything but Burke loves you..." He said hesitantly.
"If he does he has a hell of a way showing it. My entire world tilted at its axis when he told the psycho he chose Kim. I couldn't believe he did this to me the third time. I used to be emotionally closed off and full of deep-seated irrational fears of human intimacy and physical contact. But I became this selfless woman when I met him. I was selfless. I did everything he asked of me. Yet I was expendable to him. Being his girlfriend I lost every piece of me. He turned me into that sobbing girl. I am not that girl. Cristina Yang is a lot of things, but crying over a man is never one of them." I hoped he could tell Burke what I said. I knew he would.
"Ok, I guess I should keep my mouth shut. You know the drill. I'll run some tests to see you are ok despite the shock and dehydration then you can be discharged." He then started to flash the lights into my pupils.
After Derek confirmed that everything was ok, I perched myself to the hallway while waiting to be discharged, debating whether or not I should come to see Kim. emerging from the staircase, the scene caught my eyes. A redhead with scattered and wild curls walked out of an on call room with Evil Spawn and they headed to the opposite directions pretending that nothing happened. Oh, great. Bailey would be outrageous if she found out another of her intern slept with his boss. And Addison chose to sleep with Alex of all people? Seriously? Just as I turned to the corner again and was about to leave, I saw a man locking his sight at the direction Addison just left, with sad goofy eyes. That was Mark Sloan, I knew him from the journal. Also, thanks to Meredith, I was updated about the Derek-Mark-Addison triangle. Poor Mark Sloan, another heartbroken victim from betrayal. Sound like he was not the heartless man whore everyone referred him to.
I went on with my trip exploring the hospital. I would do anything to take my mind off Burke and Meredith. This place used to have only two places that spoke volumes to me - the OR that provided me with surgery and the cafeteria that provided me with food. I walked pass the nurse station, a male intern fainted beside the desk probably due to hypoglycemia. Lucky for him, there were several female interns around him. They wheeled him to the ER in excitement to treat a patient from beginning to the end. I witnessed them putting a catheter into his urethra soon before he woke up and moaned in pain. Jeez, these stupid interns craving for any practice really cheered me up, reminded me of the days when I was a real intern in France, hoping my fellow interns would suffer from appendicitis so that I could do an appy on him.
I stared at the surgery board. I've always enjoyed watching the surgery board. Only by looking at it and approaching the OR, I felt pure joy and content. But now looking at the surgery board, the first thing that came to mind was how the killer's mother died on Burke's table and how he touched me with his hands and put his gun at my waist. I used to feel a high and rush stepping into the hospital. But now I only felt cold sweat dripping down my face and my hands trembling in fear. I used to show off to Meredith and Izzie I had it all - a thriving career and a steady relationship. In a split second, over the night, I lost both of them. Hospital and OR were not my playground anymore, they became my nightmare. The man I love chose another woman even if he knew I could die. My best friend kindly ignored to tell me a fact that would most likely change my world. I had nothing. I had nobody.
I went upstairs to the dermatology department. The residents were having small talks when their massage therapist were massaging their hands. One blonde baked a 7-layer cake for the other resident's birthday from scratch. Another resident was blabbing to his fellow resident that his girlfriend was taking him skiing this weekend. Then another resident told her attending that she's leaving early to get a facial, and her attending was happy cause they had to have facials, they were dermatologists. There was the last one dragging at the phone whining about having too much sleep last night.
This was like a whole new territory, no mocking or fighting for surgeries, only warm and light. They rubbed people for a living. They didn't have to hold a scalpel and cut somebody open. They didn't have to face death. They gave patients waters with raspberry while they were waiting. They were completely devoid of blood lust. They didn't need to fight for anything. They wouldn't be kidnapped by a serial killer nearly killed and raped cause their boyfriend was a surgeon. Maybe I could transfer to dermatology. Maybe in that way I could run away from all the crap, no dying baby waiting for me to save, no guns pointing at me, no boyfriend abandoning me.
I finally made up my mind to go and take a look at Kim. That was when I caught sight of a familiar figure at the corner of my eyes. My feet were glued to my spot. Burke was there watching her sleep. I couldn't stand the scene in front of me anymore so I marched into my room, changed my gown, told the nurse to tell Kim that I said thank you and swept my way out of the hospital.