Chapter 18 - Broken

Rosalie - 2005

My hair had been straight when I got here but the sweat and body heat in this cramped front room had created a revolting humidity. I could feel damp clumps stroking my back as I writhed to the music. I poured the last of my drink down my throat and dropped the cup onto the floor. More drink, more fun. The music boomed in my ears and I moved to the heavy base, rubbing up against friends and strangers alike.

Some guy put his arm around me and and pulled me in, pushing his lips into mine. Some part of my brain told me I should pull away, I had a boyfriend and Royce King didn't like other people touching his girl. But my drunk brain was stupid. I moved my lips against his, though I felt nothing, numb from the alcohol. He pressed his body against mine and I moved against him. It felt good to be so inconsequentially intimate with someone. I didn't need to care about his hopes and dreams and family and friends, didn't even need his name or what he looked like. Just his body against mine with our lips moving harshly together.

I slipped away, leaving him to pull some other willing slut like me. My feet were aching and I needed more drink. I stumbled into the kitchen of the crowded frat house, it was packed as tightly as every other room. I slid between sweaty frat boys and sorority girls, smiling at some and hugging others. Pretending I care.

"Rose!" Someone shouted. I knew I should know who it was...but my brain wasn't working. Who ever he was, he was pouring shots.

I downed six before taking a breath.

"Chaser?" Some guy beside me said. I grabbed the drink he held out to me gratefully and guzzled it down. It tasted vile, beer maybe? But it was better than the vodka shots.

The guy was cute, I think. My vision was blurry and I couldn't really focus on his face. I started to walk away but my legs were numb and didn't want to carry me very far.

"I think maybe you need some rest," I knew that voice. Same guy that gave me the beer. He put his arm around my waist and started leading me up the stairs to where the bed rooms were. That was fine. I'd woken up in strange beds more times than I could count.

Climbing the stairs was like scaling a mountain. I felt strange. I knew what being drunk was like...this was different somehow. But I'd also done my fair share of drugs, I knew what that felt like too. Fuck.

I tried to jerk away, get as far from this guy as I could but my body was heavy and my movements sluggish. I couldn't escape. I kept struggling, kept trying to get away as he pulled me into a bedroom and locked the door behind me. As soon as the lock clicked he all but threw me onto the bed.

That's when I realised we weren't alone. I couldn't really count how many. Maybe five, maybe six. They were all silhouettes blurring together more as I tried to focus.

"Hi Rose," I knew that voice. It was Royce. He moved toward me and took my face in his hand. "Having a good time?" I tired to get away, but I couldn't move. "I've been thinking, if my girl is going to screw around with all these other guys...they might as well be my friends." He spat in my face. The other whooped an cheered around me. "And I might as well watch."

"No," I tired to shout, but it came out as barely a whimper.

"I'll start," Royce smiled as he straddled me, holding my hips between his knees as he unbuttoned his pants. I tried to flail and get him off. I tried to scream. I tired to thrash. Nothing happened but weak movements and soft mumbles.

I was trapped.

I couldn't do anything to stop this.

I remember only bits and pieces. Even the bits I do remember, I wish I didn't. Some things I can remember clear as day and some thing's I must have blacked out. At some point I passed out. I was thankful for that.

In the morning I woke up alone. I couldn't stay in that room, that hell hole, a second longer. I think I was till half drunk as I stumbled home, broken and alone. I showered. I didn't cry. I never did cry. I sat in the bath tun for what felt like hours as the water poured over me but when I was finished I still didn't feel any cleaner.

I went to the clinic. I was on the pill at least so that, thankfully, wasn't an issue. But they didn't wear condoms. The sheet asked me what I wanted test for. I ticked everything. My hand was numb as I checked down the list, putting ticks next to things I'd never heard of before...things I wish I'd never had to hear of.

Why had I been so stupid? Cheating on Royce like that, I knew what he was like. Why hadn't I tasted that that beer wasn't right? Was this someone kind of cosmic punishment for everything I'd done? I thought back to every time I'd snorted, inhaled and injected my body with poison so I could feel a high. Every time I'd gotten so drunk I couldn't even remember leaving my sorority house. Every time I'd woken up next to stranger without even knowing their name. I thought back to how I abandoned my brother with that drunk we called a father.

I felt so much, yet I still felt nothing.

"Next," a woman called. I looked around but she was staring straight at me. I stood and started walking slowly toward her, my head was still fuzzy and my body hurt. It hurt all over and it hurt in places I'd never hurt before. I sat down in the small white room as she closed the door behind me. As she sat down she read through the form I'd filled in. That one with all the ticks.

"Okay Rosalie," she said softly. Was she judging me? It didn't sound like it. Maybe she should be. "If you could strip from the waist down and hop up on the bed for me, when you're ready call me through and I'll take some samples." She lead me over to the bed and pulled the curtain around me.

I did as she asked. I followed the procedure. Everything was numb.

"Rosalie?" The doctor said as I was pulling my jeans back on. "Do you need help?" She must have taken my blanc expression as misunderstand as she continues on. "I mean do you need someone to talk to about what happened to you?"

"No." I answered curtly. How did she know? I guess she was a doctor...she knows what these things...look like.

"If you want to go to the police, get justice against the person that did this to you, I would be happy got help you in..."

"I said no!" I interrupted. Person? Singular? If I had been so luck. No, I didn't want to go to the police. I wanted to put all this behind me. Maybe I'd get lucky and they'd all die in some booze and drug induced car accident. That would be justice.

I stood up and walked out the room. "We'll call you with the results." The doctor called after me. I suddenly realised I didn't have my cell phone. Must have left it at the party. I'll just get a new one. I couldn't go back there.

In the end I didn't have to buy a new one. Three days later someone returned it to me. This girl had found it at the party and asked around about it. Nice girl I guess. But then again I wasn't exactly the best judge of character. When I switched it on I had six voicemails; one from the clinic, one from Jasper and four from dad. That was strange, dad never called. I listened to message from the clinic, it was telling me I should come in for my results. I left the house almost instantly. I'd listen to the others later, they could wait.

The clinic wasn't far away. I guess there was always a sexual health clinic near collages campuses, kind of a prerequisite. Build it and they will come. The funny thing is I'd never been before now even though I really should have. Maybe because this time was different. I still didn't feel clean. No matter how many hours I spent in the shower I couldn't wash it away. Maybe that's why I came. Maybe finding out that I was all clear would make me feel clean again. But what if I wasn't all clear?

I waited for almost two hours. I didn't mind. I just stared at the wall. It was an activity I'd been very good at these past few days. When the doctor finally stuck her head round the corner and ushered me in I'd hardly felt the time pass.

I looked at the doctor expectantly as she sat down at her desk. "The results are good, you're pretty much all clear."

"What do you mean pretty much?" I questioned. My voice was harsh, almost accusing. I didn't mean it to be, that just seemed to be the only tone I was capable of these days.

"Well you have caught a virus, it a stand of herpes that's virtually harmless. You don't have any history of immune problems do you?" I shook my head. "Then it's completely fine. It's something I've been seeing a lot of around campus recently. Unfortunately it means you will no longer be able to donate blood or be an organ donor."

"Oh," I said. "That's all?" That's fine. I'd never given blood anyway, I hated the thought of someone taking blood out of me with a needle and watching it coil round all those tubes. It creeped me out. And I wasn't an organ donor either.

"Yes that all." The doctor leaned in and her voice softened. "If you even want to talk, my door is always open."

"Thanks," was all I said. Than I stood up and walked form the room.

When I left the clinic I took a deep breath of fresh air and started walking. I wanted to walk. I didn't have any nasty diseases, that felt good. The only thing was...I didn't feel any different. I still felt disgusting. I was disgusting.

I sat down on a park bench and took my phone out. It was quiet and no one else was around. I should probably see what dad wants.

"First new message: Rosalie it's dad, please call me when you get this."

"Second new message: Rosalie please it's about your brother I need you to call me."

"Third new message: Honey I don't know why your not answering your phone. Maybe you've lost it or maybe you're just avoiding me...Anyway I hope you're okay and please call me back."

"Fourth new message: Hey it's dad, again. Please just call me. Please?"

"Fifth new message: Hey it's Jas...eh...bye."

What the hell? Dad never called me and Jasper usually left messages the size of war and peace. I took my phone from my ear and dialled dads number, he picked up on the second ring.

"Rosalie thank god, are you okay?" He said frantically.

"Yeah, I just lost my phone. Like you care anyway." I said bluntly.

"Rose that's not fair of course I care!" He said. God he actually sounded sincere. What the hell was happening.

"What do you want anyway?"

"It's Jasper...he's gotten really sick." My heart started beating a bit faster. What was that supposed to mean.

"What do mean? He left me a voice mail yesterday, he sounded fine." Well I guess he hadn't really said much, which was strange but he did sound fine.

I could hear dad swallow loudly and take a shaky breath. "He has kidney disease Rose, his kidneys are shutting down and he needs a transplant...would you get tested? See if you're a match?"

I almost dropped the phone to the ground. Had I heard him right? Jasper needed a kidney transplant? My brain couldn't quite comprehend what was happening. It was too much. Too much all at once. But I couldn't give him a kidney, even if I was a match. Oh shit. What had I done. All my fault. But I couldn't tell dad the truth. I could hardly even tell myself the truth.

"No," was all I said.

"No?" Dad said, his voice a strange mix of disbelief and grief. "What do you mean no?"

"I'm not getting tested dad, okay? Goodbye." Before he could say another word I put the phone in the lamp and ended the call.

Then I stood up and started to walk home.

I was numb.

I was empty.

I walked into my room and locked the door behind me. I leaned my back against the wall and slid down to the ground, unable to hold my own weight any longer. My hands started shaking and soon my whole body followed suit.

Then I cried.

My whole body spasmed as violent sobs wracked through me. I wrapped my arms tight around my legs and tried to hold the pieces of my self together. I was broken.

I couldn't help my brother.

Oh dear god.

What had I done?

Present day

My phone ringing woke me up. The screen was blindingly bright to my sleepy eyes and I could just make out the name "Alice" in big letters.

"What's happening?" Emmett mumbled next to me.

"You're sisters phoning me?" It was almost a question. Why was she phone me? At this time of night. I had already swiped to answer and put the phone to my ear when I suddenly realised the only reason she would be calling me like this.

No. My heart felt like it stopped even though I could suddenly feel it beating wildly against my ribs and my stomach dropped to the floor. Alice's words only confirmed my sudden fear.

"Rosalie you have to get here," Alice's small shaky voice rang in my ear. She had bee crying. "Jaspers been taken to intensive care."

Authors note: So...that probably wasn't the chapter you were expecting to read, but it is an important one. Saying 'i hope you enjoyed this chapter' doesn't quite sound right...but i do hope you enjoyed it, so to speak! I promise we'll see more of Jasper and Alice next chapter.

So what did you think? How do you feel about Rosalie now? Please leave me you're thoughts!