Chapter 21 You are the trouble I'm in

Another retrospective chapter. Feedbacks about what you guys think of Mark/Cristina friendship are welcome.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

Fiona's POV

It has been a month since I was discharged from the hospital. My life has changed in every aspect. I would still let out a scream if someone touched me by mistake, but I'm healing. There was a merger, we became part of SGH. So I'm officially working at Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital under Burke now.

30 days ago

Piles of medical journals were scattered on the sofa. Surgical tapes were exposed to the air. Bath towels were left carelessly on the floor in the bathroom. There was still some coffee left in the coffee pot. The fridge was filled with eggs, vegetables and takeout leftovers. The cereals were still located in the usual spot in the cupboard on the top right side. Everything was surreal, it was like they never left for work, it was like the kidnap never happened. But it did.

Touching the trumpet that was placed at the corner, the peaceful nights when Burke would play Eugene Foote's music whilst I would write my diary or watch surgical tapes emerged in front of my eyes. We had our moments. I used to think love was enough for the fire to last. Now I knew, love was not enough. As much as I loved Burke, when the hurt in this relationship outweighed the joy, it was time to let go. So I packed some of my clothes and other belongings as quickly as I could. I left the lease, the key and his lucky scrub cap on the table and left my apartment. With the suitcase in my hand, I turned my head, looked at the building shining under the light for one last time and left.

"Could you check for me whether there is still single room available?"

"Sure, just a minute, Miss."

I was standing at the reception of Hilton and waiting for a room when I saw a frowning Mark Sloan pacing towards the reception desk, putting his hand around the shoulder of a young lady, flirting with her and letting out a hysterical laugh. I couldn't help but felt we were alike. He put on a happy face, went out and screw random women to prove he was not broke by a woman. I kicked myself out of my apartment, living in a hotel to avoid the man who broke my heart. He used his man whore exterior to hide his kind interior. I used my sarcastic exterior to hide my fragile interior. We were like onions, people said we were pain in the ass cause they couldn't stop their tears when peeling us. But the layers were our self-protection cause we had been through hell.

"Sorry, Miss, we don't have any single or double room left." I tilted my head towards my left side, obviously Sloan was checking in for a double room. I cleared my throat, satisfied to see that I gained his attention and whispered playfully into his ear, "I saw Addison and Alex in the on call room. You lied to her just to make her feel better. Let me check in with you or I'll tell her your little secret." He stared at me in disbelief and gave me one key to his room. He got rid of the random woman and dragged me into the elevator.

He laid his fingers in my hair, exhaled his breath to my face and asked, "So, what do you want from me to keep your lips sealed? How about a kiss?" I tossed him aside and snapped at him, "Don't touch me and watch your distance! I'm not trying to get into your pants. There was no room available and I didn't bother to switch a hotel, that's all."

Sloan seemed pretty surprised to hear my rejection. This was probably the first time he heard 'no' from a woman. He put on his seductive smile and tried to hit on me again, "Come on, don't be so tense. Perhaps a little episode would cheer you up. Consider this a payback for your room fee."

"Back off! Enough with the attitude. I would not be your rebound girl or replacement for Addison. I'm done being someone's replacement." I barged out of the elevator and swept my way into the room. A minute later he came in as well, leaning his back against the door and hissed at me, "You realized you're annoyingly grumpy right? You basically forced me into lying on the same bed with you and now you're accusing me of getting into your pants."

"No, we are not lying on the same bed. I'll call the reception to add another bed. We were either abandoned under a threat made by a crazy guy or cheated on by the best friend's adulterous ex-wife claiming to test your commitment. So I figured we could use an accompany." I stated matter-of-factly.

"You have a hell of a way to rub the words in my face. Hold on, you are Burke's girlfriend, the cardio surgeon working in Mercy West, the one stayed in the entrepot together with Katey?" He escaped from his own misery and began to investigate mine.

"Not stayed, kidnapped. Jeez, I should have known better, the gossip mill of Seattle Grace. Yeah, he chose Kim's life over mine. Laugh at my misery as you want." I put my hands in the air and protested.

"I'm sorry for being insensitive. You can stay as long as you want. I'm not kicking a miserable girl out." He stopped laughing and apologized sincerely.

"I guess a thank you is in the way for the most truthful, devoted and dedicated man I've ever seen." We glanced at each other and both burst into laughter at my ironic comment.

Later on that night, he told me about how his 400-dollar-per-hour psychiatrist told him under his confident exterior, an extremely self-contemptuous interior was hidden. He also told me about how he fell for Addison at first sight but just like every decent girl in his life, Addison was into Derek. I told him my story with Burke including the tremor but omitted the later past. Normally I wouldn't share something like that with someone I met for the first time. But at that night, I needed to tell someone the story and he needed someone to listen to his story too. He told me how people always thought less of him compared to Derek so he made everything Derek ever wanted or dreamed of became his wishes and dreams as well. They shared the same taste for woman, the same dream house, the same dream job. Even so people still thought less of him cause he chose the 'easy' plastic specialty whilst Derek chose the challenging neuro specialty. I was surprised by his struggle growing up under Derek's shadow. He was surprised by my epic ups and downs with Burke. Sharing the secret past lift the burden off from both of our shoulders. From that night, Mark became my male version of bestie.

28 days ago

"Fiona, please, just listen to my explanation. I said I chose Kim because he was closer to her at the time. She would be the first target he hurt. I was making the rational decision. I wasn't choosing her life over yours or throwing away your life. I wouldn't let anything happen to you, I love you, you know that." Burke was bugging me with his explanation, following me on the way to the parking lot. Though I switched my cell phone number and moved out, I still couldn't get rid of him because he knew where I worked. So it's Kim now not Katey cause he knew I was pissed? I don't know that. I knew he did love me, but love was just not enough. Why couldn't he just accept the fact that we were done?

I ignored his attempt to talk and refused to talk to him. I opened the door to the driver's seat. Before I could get in, he grabbed my arm, dragged me to the other side of the car and pushed me to the copilot seat. He then hopped onto the driver's seat and locked the door. This time I was forced to talk to him.

"What the hell? Dr. Burke, get off my car!" I was taken aback by his rackless move.

"Not until I show you a place. You can't run away from me anymore. Please, just one place. After this, I wouldn't bug you anymore." He pleaded with pain in his voice. I didn't give him any respond so he took that as an approval and drove me to SGH. What the hell was he thinking? Show me the place with our memories and I'll just fall back into his arms? He really think so little of me?

He took me to the central supply room, where I used to play around with surgical tools, where he first asked me out for dinner. This was our place. We used to just stood there against the wall and had mind-blowing sex. Came to think of it now, it might just be the thrill of being caught by the scrub nurse.

"Cris, this is our place. When you were covered by the white cloth lying on the gurney, I couldn't breathe. You were my air. I didn't know how much you meant to me until I lost you." Here it goes.

"Funny, cause you chose to withdraw air from your life and you didn't seem so upset about it, wise choice for a doctor." I replied coldly. I was determined to end this.

"Of course I was, I was devastated. But I couldn't just let her die. I would do that even if she was just a stranger, let alone she was the one I once shared my love and soul with. If there's any chance anything could happen to you, I wouldn't have made that choice. I knew you would be upset but I made the choice anyway cause I thought you would come around. I was making the right call!" He gushed over his choice.

"You know what, you're always right, you get to do anything, it is always about you, you get whatever you want. You get to punish me at work for being a bad girlfriend. You get to tell the chief of surgery that we were in a relationship so everyone could gossip I got to scrub in all the surgeries just because you favoured me. You got to accuse me of something you thought I did and gave me silence treatment for weeks. You got to cheat on me and chose the same woman again right in front of my face, claiming you were only making the right choice. You're right, she was the one you shared heart and soul with. She's the one, not me." I stepped back, not believing he was actually insisting that he was right choosing Kim.

"No, that's not what I meant. You're the one. I love you and I know you love me too. We can get through this. You can punish me to do anything. Please don't leave me." He took a leap towards me and clung his hands to my cheek.

"At that OR, you said you couldn't think when I was there. That was the sweetest thing I've ever heard. To me, hearing 'I love you' from you even terrified me a bit. I am the kind of person full of deep-seated irrational fears of trust, especially trust towards man. So to me, the most romantic words were 'be with you' instead of 'I love you', they were 'I couldn't think when you were present' instead of 'I love you'. But you showed me crystal clear that you could make rational decisions with my presence. Now I'm painfully aware that I'm always gonna be your second choice, second to your career, second to Kim, and as you just confirmed, second to a stranger. I couldn't be the second choice, I was too good for that. I deserved to be the priority. So no, love is not enough, punishing you is not enough, nothing is enough anymore."

"I promise you I won't put you second anymore, from now on, you will always be on top of my list." I closed my eyes at his words. Those words were so beautiful. I was longing to hear that for so long. He placed gentle kisses on my eyelids, not willing to let go of me.

"It's too late now. Remember what I told you, you have only one last chance, don't blow it. I couldn't trust you anymore. Even if you promised, even if you would really carry out your promise. I will always have doubt. I will always have fear. And I don't want to live in fear and doubt. You were right, Burke, you made the right choice, it was the right call for everyone. It's me, it's my problem. Goodbye, Burke."

I cupped his chin and melted all my emotions into a kiss. We kissed until we couldn't breathe. Tears were streaming down our faces. We both knew this was the end. He pulled me into his embrace and murmured, "I will always love you, but I have to let you go." We stayed in the same gesture for 20 minutes until I ran a hand over his face and finally composed myself to leave.