Chapter 22 You are out of my life

Thanks for the follows and favourite. In this AU, Mark didn't come to SGH until Cristina was in the accident. And I know switching major may require a re-do of 5-yr fellowship, but for the sake of plot I'm going to make this transfer quick and easy.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

Fiona's POV

20 days ago

It had been 8 days since I broke it off with Burke. I couldn't go into the OR anymore because I would freeze or overturn the tray. Last week I even hid under the table cause the scrub nurse dropped a scalpel to the ground and it startled me. I had a million-dollar phase 1 clinical trial await. I saved a baby that every other doctor thought was in the point of no return. I was on my way to change the face of medicine. I had just rekindled with the man I was madly, completely and utterly in love with.

And now they were all ruined by one person, one moment, one night. Now I pushed my boyfriend away, and he left just like every other man in my life. Now I couldn't operate anymore. The place that used to my beloved paradise now became a torture. It was funny cause I'm in Burke's shoes now. Half a year ago, I couldn't understand his grumpiness over his tremor. I couldn't understand why he questioned me whether I would still love him if he couldn't be a surgeon anymore. Back then I didn't give him the answer he wanted because I didn't understand why he always wanted an answer from me. But now I do. Now I understand that being a surgeon defined who I was. This job was my everything.

For some women like Izzie, this was just a job, it could be replaced cause there would always have another job. For some women, they could quit their surgical training and be a house wife to support the family. But for me, my career came first. I sacrificed everything to come this far. However, my career betrayed me as well. I couldn't hold a tenth blade in my hand without cold sweat in my hands. Every day I walked pass the hallway and I could hear nurses gossiping and making fun of my arrogance. Every day I referred my patients to the other doctors cause they deserved a surgeon, not a fellow that couldn't even hold a scalpel. So I asked to be transferred to dermatology, I even retook my boards.

"Fiona, are you absolutely sure about this? I mean...PTSD is normal and I'm sure the chief would be willing to give you some time off to adjust yourself. There's no need to transfer, let alone to dermatology. They applied lotion for a living!" Dr. Thomas was stunned by my application to transfer. Though he was the one to drag me out of the table, though he was the one that seen the damage the kidnap done to me, he had never pictured me as the scared little girl running towards the house for shelter as soon as the storm came.

"Dr. Thomas, I appreciated your help, I really do. But I don't to talk about it." He was a good mentor, so good that I even called him 'pops'. He tried his best to soothe me. But there's nothing he could do now. Some wounds just had to left open in order to heal.

"I had been there before. I was in a plane crash. Nobody survived except for me. I didn't tell anyone here." He stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, I guess I should say 'thank you, I feel sorry for your loss'?" I tried to make a joke to lighten the mood.

"Okay, it's time. I'm going to tell you the most liberating thing you're going to hear in your life: no one is thinking of you, which should be a relief, because it's your life. They would show their compassion, but no one would really feel the same as you do. So do whatever you want, just stop indulging yourself in the self pity and go save lifes."

"What I want to do now is go to the dermatology and rub lotion into people." I snapped at him and walked away, leaving a speechless Dr. Thomas behind.

15 days ago

I was at Joe's, waiting for Mark to come for a drink. No more girl's night and tequila. Now we drank scotch and talked about our patients and miseries. Mark was a good guy. He might be a playboy but he was loyal to his friends. He was the only support I had in the past 15 days. It was ironic once you thought you had a perfect man and a perfect friend, but it turned out nobody was perfect, especially when it came to a choice.

"Hey, beautiful." My thought was interrupted by the one and only Mark Sloan approaching the stool.

"Hey, man whore." I replied his greeting. In the corner of my eyes, I saw Burke came into the bar with Addison. He was shooting sideway glances at me while Addison was clearly staring at Mark. Mark felt my sight fixed at his back and turned his head to see who was coming into the bar.

"You know what, Burke is totally gonna think we're friends with benefits cause I'm Mark Sloan. When I wanted a girl, I always got them." He was rotating his glass with one hand and twisting his fingers with the other hand.

"Oh yea, except someone couldn't rise anymore except when facing Addison, and by the way, you did get Addison until she found you naked with the peds nurse...what's her name again? Charlene, right?" I sipped my scotch.

"Dr. White, we all have things we don't want to talk about. How about you tell me why you quit cardio and transfer to dermatology? You could have come to plastics, you know, you do have meticulous hands." He playfully place his fingers across my hair and put a strand back to my ear.

"Ok, point taken, too soon for the joke." I gulped my drink and gestured for Joe to add another one shot.

"You shouldn't have pushed him away. You only met this kind of love once in your lifetime, once you met him, you should never let go." He signed heavily and gulped his single malt scotch as well.

"Said by someone who lied to the love of his life to set her free." I tilted my head to gave him a death glare.

"I was just thinking if you could work out with him, then maybe Addie and I still have a chance." He stared at the wall.

"Don't drag me into this. Just tell her you didn't cheat on her. Just tell her you love her. You betrayed your best friend, took all the faults and dropped everything to move to seattle to chase her. Just because you cheated on her doesn't mean you're going to be a man whore your whole life. Just tell her to give you another chance. Jeez, she must one hell of a woman to have Mcdreamy and Mcsteamy." I was starting to be jealous of her. What's wrong with me? Envying a woman in pink scrubs? But then again, I'm in rose scrubs now as well.

"That she is. Well, I'm gonna take this as my cue to excuse myself." He gestured his glass to my back and headed towards Addison. I looked over my shoulder and found Burke with his brow knitted together.

"Seriously? Mark Sloan?" He gripped my hand tightly and dragged me out of the bar. He pushed me towards the wall and rested his forehead against mine.

"I thought I was patient. I waited and waited for you to change into this perfect woman for me. Now I know I shouldn't expect you to change. If I really love you I should accept your flaws because they define Cristina Yang."

"I am not Cristina Yang anymore. I was always the smartest student, regularly besting the boys in class. Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I was not that girl who was blindly infatuated with her mentor." Saying these words were excruciatingly painful, even more than I expected.

"I'm blindly infatuated with you as well. Why can't you just let me love you? We can put everything behind and..." He trailed off and moved his lips towards mine. I could feel the heat cranking up in my body, longing for his touch.

"No, Burke, we can't. We don't work. We tried but we were the opposite pole of the earth. We would always come back to this. I would always have doubt and you would always feel sorry." I pulled myself away from him reluctantly.

"It's ok. I don't mind feeling sorry." He clung to me and wouldn't let go of me.

"It's not. You would regret saying so in no time. Burke, some people are just not meant to be. We tried and we had fun. I'm going to leave now because I don't want to make you see me cry." I pushed him aside and ran towards the streets. I stopped at a corner he couldn't see and broke down into sobs.

13 days ago

"So, Dave, I could see your main concern is the severe acne problem. Have you thought of doing a skin peel or an intense pulse light treatment to shrink the pores?" I asked the patient sitting in front of my desk with all the patience I had.

"Um...what is the difference?" He asked. If he were a girl, he should have known pretty well about all those treatments. I even had a patient yesterday giving me a list of cosmetology to explain to her which one would be her best option. What's wrong with these patients? They just googled everything and thought they would be an expert in the field.

"OK, the difference is..." My explanation was interrupted by an intern bursting through my office door, "Dr. White, baby Nason is downstairs. He has a complication which caused his IVC to be clotted. Dr. Thomas said you might want to know about it." Nason, complication, these words triggered a lump in my throat. These words could be lethal. "Sorry, Dave, I have an emergency here, I have to go." I dismissed the patient and stumped out of my office.