Authors note: so there has been some guessing about who caught Alice, in this chapter i hint at who it could be...it might have been them...it might not have been! I'll let you decide! Anyway i hope you all enjoy this next instalment and another huge thank you too all you lovely lovely people who have reviewing and leaving their thoughts, you're all keeping Jasper alive! Happy Reading!

Chapter 19 – Be strong

There were no windows in the ICU. It was light by harsh unnatural light and made its very sick residents look ever sicker. I could tell it was still nighttime though. Doctors were like great outdoorests, except it wasn't the position of the sun the told us the time, instead it was the activity of the hospital. Well, we could tell day from night at least. Intensive care was always busy, but even it seemed calmer at night. How long had I been sitting here?

I probably wouldn't be sitting here at all if Edward hadn't scooped me off the ER floor. How long ago was that? He'd held me while I made quite the scene, not that I cared. Let the world watch me cry, none of that mattered when Jasper was here instead of his own bed. When fluid was filling his lungs and he couldn't breath. Edward wasn't with me now, he had been picking up night shifts in the ERs around the city to make some money before the baby came along...or something like that. I hadn't really listened to what he'd told me. He was working but he came up to check in on Jasper every time he could. He was probably checking in on me too.

I held Jaspers hand in both of mine. It was cold. I could hear his breathing, painful and jagged still despite the therapies he'd been started on. He was on morphine and sedated, but now and again he would shift almost like he was coming in and out of consciousness. Though I couldn't tell for sure. He had an oxygen mask strapped over his nose and mouth, is was digging into his pale skin but it was also helping. I hope it was helping. He was attached to a low rate dialysis machine and there was other equipment ready beside his bed incase he...just incase.

"Okay Ali?" Edward said as he popped his head around the door.

"No change," I crocked out. My voice was gone from all the crying. God only knows how Rosalie had understood me on the phone. She should be here soon.

"I'm sorry Alice," Edward said. His eyes were soft and his eyes sympathetic. "I have to go but I'll be back as soon as I can...he'll be okay, I know he will."

I hope you're right.

My eyes tracked his blood spinning round and round the cogs of the machine. The doctors hadn't really told me anything but I knew what this meant. His kidneys function had decreased even more. His body was totally unable to control his fluid levels, which had lead to the pulmonary oedema, fluid build up in his lungs. I should have seen this sooner. He'd been yo-yoing between signs and symptoms of dehydration and over hydration for weeks now. I had just chalked it up to a common side effect of his disease, I hadn't thought it was this bad. You should have thought Alice; it's your job to think.

He trusted you. Look what you've done.

Wet droplets were splashing on his bed. I was crying again. I wiped my eyes against my shoulder. Edward had given me scrubs to change into after I calmed down. At the time I had almost been angry, how could I care what I was wearing when Jasper was so sick and I wasn't there with him? But I soon realized I was wearing nothing but a silk slip with my stethoscope as an accessory.

I took my stethoscope from around my neck and listened to his breathing. Still bad. I couldn't even tell if it was getting any better at all. It had to have gotten better, it couldn't not have. I needed to think that, he had to get through this.

"You need to get better Jas," I whispered as I say my head on top of our tangled hands. "I need you."

The machine measuring his blood pressure beeped. Machines in hospitals didn't beep all the time like they did in movies. That would be completely unnecessary and, frankly, very annoying. But they did beep when something changed. When something was wrong. I looked up at the reading. It was okay, well as okay as it could be. His blood pressure was dangerously low and every now and again the machine liked to remind me. Like I needed reminding. Jasper had always had trouble with hypotension, strange for a dialysis patient but there you go. Normally you had to battle against high blood pressure, but not him, his was low. I guess he was just special that way. Special in so many ways. But now with him being sick the treatments we were giving him to battle the oedema were lowing his blood pressure dangerously.

The problem was...we couldn't do anything about it. There were only two thing we could do to him to raise his BP. We get him to lie flat...but we couldn't because is we lay him flat he wouldn't be able to breath, he had to sit upright. Or we could give him fluid therapy, increase his blood volume...but we couldn't because they would cause more fluid to enter his lungs. That would be very very bad.

So we were stuck. All we could do was watch and wait. Hope he battled this on his own and got through it.

A nurse came in to check everything was okay. She gave me a sympathetic look. Normally visitors wouldn't be allowed in here like this, but they had made an exception for me. This was the nephrology ICU after all. My ICU. Dr Hoffman would get here in the morning, whenever what was, maybe he would come up with some miracle treatment so I could take Jas home. He's not going to do that Alice. There is no miracle here.

I jerked upright suddenly as Jasper coughed. His eyes were squeezed closed as his body jerked with the harsh coughs that ravaged his chest. The inside of his oxygen mask was spattered with blood. I stood up and tried to get Jasper to sit forward, the coughing wouldn't stop and he couldn't catch a breath.

"Help!" I called. Help was never far away in the ICU and I needed someone else to support his weight. Someone came in the room, when I looked over I was glad to see it was Angela, a familiar face. "Take him please, keep him forward."

I pulled away, taking his hand in mine and leaned down so my face was in front of his. "Jasper can you hear me?" His head nodded, I'm sure of it. It was a small movement but it was there. Then he opened his eyes, just enough for is bright blur irises to shine. "You need to calm down Jas okay? I know you feel like you need to cough but you just need to breathe. Come on now, breathe with me, in….and out…"

I kept my eyes fixed on his as I took deep breaths in and out. He was trying but every time he breathed in a cough came out. Something started beeping.

"Oxygen saturation is dropping doctor," Angela called to me.

"Come on now Jasper you have to breathe, please." I pleaded with him. "If you don't start breathing we're going to have to put a tube down your throat and we don't want that."

That seemed to scare him into co-operation. His breathing started to even out, it was ragged and forced at first slowly he started breathing more naturally. It was still worse than it had been before the coughing fit but it was better.

"Oxygen saturation is increasing again," Angela said. "That's good Jasper." Angela started rubbing slow circles on his back. He squeezed my hand, it was weak, but it was something.

"Okay?" I asked him. He nodded. "Okay Angela, thanks." Angela gave me small smile and started to lean Jasper back against the raised bed. She left the room silently. "I'll get you a clean mask," I said. My voice, which had been so strong and sure a second ago, had become small and shaking again. My hands trembled as I searched through the drawers for a fresh, clean, non-blood-spattered mask. By the time I found one and turned back to him he looked like he was sleeping again. That was for the best, what was happening to his body was painful and uncomfortable and it was better he slept through it. Also his breathing was more even when he slept and slept meant rest and rest meant healing. Please be okay baby.

I took his old mask off and as quickly as possible switch in the clean one. I didn't want his to go without the oxygen for too long. If one bout of coughing lowered is oxygen sats then he needed the mask. I was so involved in my task that I didn't notice two people enter the room. It was someone taking a sharp intake of breath that made me look up.

As soon as Rosalie laid eyes on her sick little brother she dropped Emmett's hand and rushed over to his side. Her eyes moved up and down him warily, her hands out in front of her. It was like she wants to touch him, hold him close, but everywhere she looked there were wires and tubes, taking things out of him, putting things into him and monitoring everything his body was doing. The pain in her eyes was clear, as she looked him up and down, still searching for some part to hold.

"Jesus," I hear Emmett whisper softly as he took in the scene. Jasper didn't look that bad, did he? He wasn't that ill. He would get better, this was just a little obstacle he had to get around.

I looked up at my big brother with tears in my eyes that threatened to spill over, all my confidence and calm from a second ago shattering. Emmett took a step toward and I pounced on him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. I heard the blood spattered mask drop to the floor as I pulled my arms in and let my brother hold me, I hadn't even realised I was still holding it. I grabbed handfuls of Emmett's shirt in my fists and help on for dear life, tears had started to fall from my eyes again and they soaked his shirt. He didn't care, he only held on tighter. I don't know how long I stood there with him until we finally pulled apart. My brothers were here, good; I needed them. Looking over at Rosalie I realised, she needed her brother too.

Rosalie had set her hand underneath Jaspers, letting his hand rest on top of hers. She didn't hold onto him the way I had been; she was so gentle with him. Like he would break if she handled him too harshly. With her free hand she stroked his arm, up and down, her fingertips lightly brushing his skin. She wasn't crying the way I was, instead her face was a controlled mask. But I could see the storm of grief in her eyes.

I fell like we stayed frozen for hours. Edward came to check up on us a few times but his visits become less frequent when he saw Emmett and Rosalie had arrived. I guess he figures we were both in good hands now.

"Hello Dr Cullen," I turned to see Dr Hoffman standing at the door. Thank god. His eyes were sympathetic but he stayed professional. He walked in and picked up his chart quickly reading it over. "I'm just going to do a quick examination," he said, looking directly as Rosalie. She nodded but didn't make her eyes off Jasper and didn't move a muscle. Dr Hoffman checked his ankles first, to my surprise the swelling there had gone down completely. That's good. That's a very good sign. He felt his pulse, blotted his kidneys, felt the base of his back and finally listened to his lungs. I almost couldn't breathe as I waited for him to say something. Instead he ushered me forward and gestured for me to listen.

I pressed the diaphragm of my stethoscope to the chest and let out the breathe I didn't realise I had been holding. His lungs sounded better. He was getting better.

"It's better than it was before," I nodded eagerly. "The fluid is dissipating."

"Good," Dr Hoffman said smiling at me. Then he looked back to Rose. "Ms Hale the therapies seem to be working, I can't say for sure how long he will take to recover but this is a small step in the right direction. His blood pressure is still worryingly low…" Dr Hoffman referred back to Jaspers chart. "It does seem to be relatively stable…we'll deal with it when the oedema is taken care of." I couldn't tell is he was speaking to me, Rose or just voicing his thoughts for his own benefit. "But it looks like we're making progress. Would you like to break the news to him when he comes around or shall I?"

"What do you mean, break the news? What's wrong? You just said he was getting better?" Rosalie snapped. Her face finally turned form Jaspers as she threw daggers toward Dr Hoffman.

"He's going to need at least two more dialysis sessions a week, maybe more," Dr Hoffman explained. Rosalie visibly relaxed and she nodded in understanding. "He might not take that too well."

"He'll get by," Rosalie said confidently. "He's a survivor."

I hope you're right Rosalie. I really do.

Rosalie turned her attention back to Jasper as doctor Hoffman quietly left the room with a promise he would be keeping a close eye on Jaspers condition. I felt better the he was in the building. He thought Jasper was getting better, that was good. But I still couldn't relax, not until he was awake and talking. Not until I had him back.

"Go get something to eat Ali," Emmett said softly to me. I opened my mouth to protest but he quickly shushed me. "You're no use to anyone, Jasper included, if you make yourself sick. I don't want you fainting on me again." He nudged me with a wink.

I couldn't help but smile. I had fainted one time when we went hiking, he never let me forget it. "That was one time." I whispered. It's what I always responded with when he brought it up. He looked me in the eye and smiled as if to say 'that's the Alice I know.'

I didn't want to leave him, but I could use some coffee. Besides, he was in the ICU so his medical needs would be taken care of and Rosalie was there with him. He wasn't alone. I was getting a lot of sympathetic glances as I walked through my ward. Of course they would all know what was happening. I kept my eyes low; I couldn't look at them. If I saw my own concern mirrored in their faces I'm not sure I wouldn't have another break down. I'd had enough of those already.

My hand shook as I held the paper cup beneath the machine in the cafeteria.

"There you are!" I heard Edwards voice call behind me.

My head whipped round. "Has something happened?"

"No no, don't worry I was just up there everything is…the same." He said looking down at the floor. He didn't want to tell me everything was fine, because it wasn't. "It's just that my shift ended so I'm heading off, but if you need anything just call me and I'll be there."

"Okay," I said quickly. I didn't want to admit I didn't want him to leave. He's been working all night and it would just be selfish of me to keep him here.

"I'm serious Ali, please don't try to take on the world…if you need help all you need to do is ask." He paused, his eyes studying me and I felt suddenly very exposed. He had a funny way of making me feel that way.

"Thanks Edward, but really I'm.." I was about to say 'fine'. But I wasn't fine and it was too obvious a lie. "I'm coping. For now I'm…coping."

He pulled me in for a hug; I set my coffee down and hugged him back. "When you're not coping, I'll be there."

My body shuddered against him but I managed to hold myself together. We were in the middle of the cafeteria and I'd made enough of a spectacle of my self in the hospital for one day. I didn't say anything for fear of not being able to hold myself together if I did. Instead I nodded against his chest. He kissed me quickly on the forehead and pulled away.

I turned and started tending to my coffee. I couldn't watch him walk away from me. He had to go, I knew that, I just didn't want him to. Grow up Alice; your brothers can't protect you forever. They certainly can't protect you from this.

Sometimes I wish my brain would be quiet.

I walked past the food, but didn't pick anything up. My stomach was a tight ball and I don't think it would physically accept any food. Coffee would keep me going. I made my way quickly back to his room. I was afraid to be away too long in case something happened. I just hated being away form him.

I was outside his room when I paused. Someone was crying in his room. Rosalie was crying. I peeked my head around so I could see through the glass. She wasn't in a total melt down like I had been. Her hand was still resting beneath Jaspers and her hand still rand up and down his arm, but her shoulders were shaking and her breath was coming in gasps as tears fell from her red eyes. Emmett was rubbing slow circles on her back, clearly sensing that she needed a little space.

"He's going to get through this Rose," He said quietly. I could barely hear him. I felt bad for snooping, but I didn't want to leave and I also knew I shouldn't go in. Not just yet, she needed some time with her brother.

"He… blames me, it's why he wouldn't… pick up the phone… yesterday." Her voice was raspy and her words escaped between gasps.

"No Rose he doesn't, he really doesn't," Emmett's eyes kept moving between Rosalie and Jasper, his moth twisted like he was searching for the right words. "And if he knew the truth he…"

"No," Rosalie cut him off. "He can't know." Rosalie lowered her head so it was resting on top of Jaspers hand and her body was shaking. "Please." She whimpered. Emmett kneeled down beside where she sat and put his arm around her, which only made her shake more violently as her sobs become louder.

I didn't know what they were talking about, not really. I didn't know what 'the truth' was but at this point I didn't care. It broke my heart all over again to see Rosalie like that. Jasper was so loved. I realised that it wasn't just me that wouldn't survive loosing him.

I don't know how long I stood waiting for the right time to re-enter the room. I wanted so badly to be beside him again but I could see him, see that he was okay and I think Rosalie needed this. She was his family after all. My coffee was long gone; the empty cup removed from my hand from a sympathetic nurse who could see I didn't want to me moved from my observation spot.

I think my heart started beating twice as fast when I saw Jaspers hand move. Rosalie and Emmett didn't notice. I wanted to rush in but I was glued to the spot.

He weakly pulled his oxygen mask down. "Hey sis," He rasped. His voice was so quiet and weak, his breathing still seamed painful, but it was his voice. He was awake, he was breathing, he was talking.

Rosalie's head lifted so quickly she probably made herself dizzy. "Jas?" She said in a shaking voice, like she couldn't believe her brother was talking to her.

"Sorry...I didn't...answer...your calls..." He started coughing. I almost rushing in see if he was okay but I steadied myself. The coughing stopped quickly.

"Shhh Jazzy don't talk," Rosalie said softly. She lifted her free hand and re-positioned Jaspers oxygen mask. "I don't care about that, I just want you to get better." Jasper frowned and moved his hand slowly, like he wanted to take the mask off again.

"Don't take this off, it's keeping you breathing." I said as I moved to stand in the doorway. I couldn't stand still any longer, I didn't know how long he would be conscious and I didn't want to miss it. His eyes took a while to focus on me but when they did a smile light his face and my heart melted.

He was awake and breathing and I knew…he would be okay. This wasn't the end yet.

But if he didn't get a transplant then one day he would back in ICU and instead of waiting for him to wake up, we would be waiting for him to die. But I couldn't think like that right now, he wasn't 100% yet and until he was he needed me to be strong for him.

So I walked over beside him and started stroking his hair away from his face. His breathing was evening out and, while still shallow and pained, it was better. It was a symphony to my music-deprived ears.

I love you, his eyes said as they locked with mine.

I love you too, I smiled back.