Chapter 23 Total eclipse of the heart
Cristina's road to recovery.
Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.
Fiona's POV
13 days ago - cont
"Ross, run it down for me." I perched myself into the pre-OP.
"He has a complication. We have to repair his IVC ASAP." Dr. Thomas chimed in and answered me.
"Oh then what are you waiting for? He should be prepped ASAP. Are you waiting for the angiogram?" I was confused why they were still waiting and not prepping him ready for surgery. What can I do for them?
"Come on, Dr. White. This is your patient. You did his surgery, you started a trial for him, you know him better than anyone else. You are doing this repair!" He ordered me.
"No, I can't do this, you know I can't. I am not even in cardio anymore so I don't have privilege. Besides this is an IVC repair, it's too delicate." I rambled all the reasons I could think of at the moment. I wasn't ready to go back to the OR and I wasn't sure if I ever will.
"Fiona White never flinch at the challenging surgeries. The Fiona I know never ditch her patient cause she's scared to do the surgery. Look at him, you saved his life once. It would take me at least half an hour to read through his files and stats if I want to make sure the surgery goes well. But he doesn't have that much time. He couldn't even wait for an angiogram. If I do the repair, chances are he might not make it. Is that what you want? Is that what I trained you to be?" He snapped at me angrily, trying his best to encourage me to do the surgery.
"I'm not ready, ok? His arteries and vena cava are just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland. I haven't done any surgery in weeks. What if I made a wrong move? It could kill Nason. I don't want to be the one killing him." I felt like I was on the verge of crying. I didn't know why Nason made me so weak and fragile but I couldn't stand the thought that he might be the victim of one misstep.
"You are ready cause you have to be. Nobody would ever be ready for a situation like this. Under the circumstances, you are his best shot. And if you wouldn't even give it a try to save him..." He placed his hands on my shoulder and locked his eyes with mine.
"Fine, I'm ready. Get him to the OR, now!" I inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to mentally and physically prepare myself. I was his only shot so I had to be ready.
"Right away, Dr. White." Ross ran the gurney to the OR immediately.
"Fiona, I'm proud of you. You've become everything I ever dreamed you to be. You can do this. I would scrub in and assist you." Dr. Thomas still place one hand on my shoulder to reassure me.
"Thank you, pops." I lifted the corner of my lips and tried my best to smile at him.
"Ross, I would like to introduce to you the black mamba- the single trickiest vessel in the entire human body. Delicate, unpredictable." I was lecturing Ross about the IVC to get my thought away from the situation. Feeling the twitches of the vessel in my hands, I felt sweats drooling from the side of my face. What if I made a wrong move? What if I couldn't follow the curve?
"Fiona, close your eyes and listen to its song." Thomas sensed my nerve and instructed me.
"What? No, I'm not closing me eyes." I objected not knowing what he was trying to get me into.
"Dr. White, I am the head of the department. When I ordered, you follow. Is there a question? Now close your damn eyes." I closed my eyes, surprised at his sudden outburst.
"Good. Now do you hear the gurgling?" He asked patiently with a calmness in his voice.
"Yea, I do." I could hear the blood flowing in and out of the vessel, like a dynamic canal.
"Ok. Now listen to when the gurgling changed slightly and dance your fingers with the twitch. Listen intently and follow the twitches gently." I could feel his sights fixed on my hands. This is the crucial step. One wrong move, one misstep, and Nason would be dead. My hands moved meticulously with the twitch and finally I felt something. That was the clot.
"What? Did you find it?" Noticing my move stopped, Thomas inquired eagerly.
"Yea, find it. Clamp!" I stretched one hand to the nurse. Thomas and Ross both signed in relief that we did the repair successfully.
After the surgery, Nason was hooked up to all kinds of machines and ventilators again to monitor his stats. Looking at all the tubes zigzagging over his tiny little body, I couldn't help but felt terrified. Such a little life depended solely on me and my skills. What if my hands shook slightly?
"Stop doubting yourself. The Fiona White I trained never doubted herself. You did a great job. You overcame your fear for your precious patient. You put the patient over yourself. You're born for this and you shouldn't waste your time in dermatology or any other major. Come back to cardio. This is where you belong to." Thomas laid his eyes on Nason through the glass and asked me to come back.
"You still have a place for me? I just nailed the mamba against all odds cause I'm awesome." I raised my eyebrows at him.
"Don't push it." He shook his head against my gloating and scurried down the hallway. I smirked at his comment and thanked him silently for forcing me to conquer my PTSD and back to my beloved OR.
10 days ago
After the successful IVC repair three days ago, I was permitted to get back to my cardio fellowship programme. I was ecstatic to get back to the OR and grateful for Thomas's help. It was his sharing of his secret and his encouragement that carried me through the catastrophe in my career. Words were spreading fast that our hospital - Mercy West was going to merger with SGH. I was trying to avoid the rumour as much as I could because if the news were true, it would mean that I had to face Meredith and Burke every day in my work. Let alone my other fellow interns, they didn't know about my return yet. Should I tell them who I was? Or should I pretend to be their boss who never knew them before? Chief Parker was trying to force Dr. Thomas to step down because there wasn't enough budget to hire him through the merger. We were in the middle of this surgery to prevent the patient to grow an aneurysm again.
"Sternal retractor." I instructed the nurse.
"Retractor." Thomas ordered the scrub nurse from my opposite side. "Here you go."
I cut open the pericardium and exposed the vessels. "These vessels are so fragile. Let's go gently." I looked at Thomas for reassurance and he nodded at me. We went on with the surgery smoothly. We were a good team.
"If this continues to go this well, I'm prepared to put your name first." Thomas said to me, not looking up from the patient's chest cavity.
"When we publish? That's big of you." I glanced up at him and continued my move.
"It is." He admitted.
"You know what? You need it more than I do. This could be your last journal article." I didn't stand on egg shells around him. He needed to develop a clear understanding about the situation.
"Is that your version of 'Thank you'?" He replied. I could hear the ease in his voice.
"No, it's my version of 'This is the end, get while the getting's good.' " I gave him my usual sarcastic and bitter comment.
"Thank god I never had children. They would be just like you. I'd have drowned them like the puppies in the river." "Haha." I laughed at his joke whilst he continued his suction.
"Oh, come on. I'm your dream come true." I moved my sight to look at him and teased him.
"That...is the truth." His green-greyish eyes met my brown eyes through his lens, his tone serious. Why is he so gentle to me today? He doesn't usually praise me like he does today. Is there something up that I didn't notice? It couldn't be, don't jinx it. I told myself repeatedly and focused on the surgery.
"You're gonna make me gag." I put my blade aside and switched a surgical instrument.
"Don't be crass. Women of your generation think they have to be crass or no one will believe their strength. You're fighting a battle that women of my generation have already fought for you, so you could have the grace to appreciate their work and move on to something else." He put one hand in the air and waved it to prove his point whilst we were putting the stunt in the aorta.
"Yeah, I'm still gagging. You know what? These sutures aren't holding. Can I have another 4-0 prolene, please? Mm-hmm." I didn't want to continue with th e small talk so I changed the subject. This small talk was making me feel uncomfortable. I knew this could be his last surgery but he was acting like this was the last time he would ever going to have the chance to talk to me. I made a mental note to myself that I would take to the chief later about the budget.
"Watch your dissection and don't hold your breath." He instructed me.
"Now you're gonna tell me when to breathe? " I questioned him, not believing what he was telling me to do.
"You hold your breath when you stitch. When you stop breathing, you stop thinking. It's a mistake." He pointed one finger to his temple and emphasized his point.
"I'm breathing." I signed deeply and indicated to him that I followed his instructions.
"Slowly. Not like an anxious hyena." I rolled my eyes at his inappropriate analogy.
"My name will be first." He said all of a sudden.
"Saw that coming a mile away." I put the right angle clamp on the tray.
"You will be the surgeon of your generation. I know that as soon as I met you. People will try to diminish you as they did me and they will fail. I would like it to be known in the medical community that I helped train you. Hmm?" What was his problem? He said the similar thing back when I started my clinical trial. Why was he telling me this again? I stared at him in owe before coming up with a reply. "Okay. Your name first."
"The clamp's coming up. Can you adjust it?" I asked Thomas whilst requesting for scissors. With no response from him I asked again, "Can you reach it, pops?" Still no response, I glanced up and saw him staring down, standing still.
Something was going on. "Dr. Thomas?" I asked him again, this time stopping the move at my hands. He slowly looked up and met my eyes with sluggish movements, almost like he was having a dull ache somewhere in his body. Wait, was this what it's all about? Because he was having a condition? A stroke, a heart attack, a thrombus? As if he was confirming my ominous presentiment, he fell backwards in slow motion and hit the back side of his head hard on the floor. I was stunned and couldn't move my eyes of him. Just in cue, blood started to spill out of the artery cause the clamp came up. Damn it! OK, calm down, don't panic. I mentally reassured myself and started to stop the bleeding in the patient's artery.
"Move! Someone get to him. Page Parker!" I shouted at the nurse.
"What's going on?" I asked the nurse.
"I don't have a pulse." The nurse replied in panic.
"Get a crash cart." At that moment, I wished I could tear myself apart so that half of me could get to him and tried like hell to save his life. But right now I couldn't cause the patient was still on the table, cut open and exposed. Not once in my life have I hated the oath I took for always putting the patient first. Right now, I was just a daughter trying desperately to save her father but failed. It was like the nightmare at that stormy night 20 years ago was repeating itself.
"Grab his clamp. Damn it, I need a better angle." I ordered Ross and tried my best to get the OR under control.
"What's happening? Are the paddles on?" I demanded through the chaotic room. Nurses were rushing inside.
"Charge to 200!" I prayed to god that this would work.
"We're on it. Clear!" Seconds melted into minutes and minutes melted into hours. "Nothing!" The nurse finally replied.
"What the hell?" Parker swept his way into the OR.
"He collapsed in the middle of the surgery. We already shocked him once. Charge to 300." I explained to him.
"Why is this surgery even happening?" Parker was still pissed at us for proceeding with the surgery unauthorized.
"Don't worry about that right now." I snapped at him furiously.
"Is there a pulse?" I inquired again in angst. Nobody answered me. "Parker, is there a pulse? Someone tell me what's going on." I felt like I was losing control of myself.
"Starting CPR. Deal with your patient, Fiona." Parker's voice came across the chaos and reached my ear. I closed my eyes briefly to compose myself. Don't hold your breath. You stop thinking, you stop breathing. I repeated his words in my mind and proceeded with the process. Breathe. Please, god. Thomas, breathe. But god didn't hear my pray as usual, I lost the man who was like a second father to me.
The surgery finally ended. I rushed off the hallway, desperate to escape the room where Thomas just died.
"Oh, god. Please don't tell me she's..." The patient's boyfriend saw my face.
"She's okay. She has a strong heart. She should have a long life ahead of her, a long, long life." "Thank you." He hugged me and I faked a smile. Her friends and families were all celebrating her survival. I looked back at the direction of the OR, a kind, gentle and compassionate man just died. Who would be celebrating for me if I was the one on the table? Who am I left with?
"Breathe, Dr. White. Don't be crass. You're skulking. Women of your generation are graceless. It's an affront to nature. Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here. You won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. And if you are lucky enough, one day when you're old and shriveled like me, you'll find a young doctor with little regard for anything but their craft. And you'll train them like I trained you. Until then, read a good book. You have greatness in you, Fiona. Don't disappoint me." Watching him covered under a cloth and being wheeled away, his deep voice appeared again. Those words were still fresh like yesterday.
"You love me more than anybody has in a very long time. Look, if I'm going, I want to go down fighting for something that I believe in, for this young woman's future, and- and these woman who have so much to live for. You know I'm right. You know she deserves the surgery and we're the best team to do it." Maybe this is his end. He died fighting for the battle he spent his life in. He sacrificed his family, friends and his life. This is the right place for him to die. This is the end of his journey.