Chapter 22 – night night journal

Hey, so I guess its been a while. Its been a crazy few months. Also I guess I kind of forgot I had this old thing lying at the bottom of my doctor's bag. Jaspers sleeping now, we had to take him into forks hospital last night because his BP crashed in the car. It's mom's birthday tomorrow so we're heading down to forks for the night. The doctors here wanted him to stay overnight in case it happened again, Jasper didn't want to stay and I told him I would fight with the doctors to let him come back with me… I didn't do that. I wanted him here too. I wasn't going to leave him on his own though so looks like I have an uncomfortable night ahead of me in a hospital room chair. They put us in a six bed room so there's not much privacy. I don't mind too much, gives me a chance to write in my journal again, it's not like I'm going to get any sleep anyway.

Before I started writing this I read back my last few entries. It feels like I've aged ten years since writing them. The only thing that mattered to me was proving myself, proving to others I was a great doctor, proving to my family this was the right thing for me, even proving to myself that I really could make it in this career. It all just sounds so silly now, I mean sure work is important, its really important…in fact it's a huge part of me. But it's not everything, not like I used to think it was. I used to think I'd probably never have kids. Partly because I didn't want to take the time off work and partly because I didn't think anyone would take me seriously if I was mother.

That's all crap.

I mean I still don't know if I want kids, I'm still young and that's just such a huge thing. But it makes me smile to think about me and Jasper and a house with a garden, our kids running around us. I can picture Jasper picking them up and swinging them round and laughing and laughing. I always picture us laughing. He'd be such a good dad. I haven't talked to him about it or anything, I keep trying to hold myself back, tell myself that I can't think too far into the future, take one day at a time. Sometimes I accidentally let something slip and he gets this sad look in his eyes, it breaks my heart to see that look.

Sometimes I get so angry thinking about his disease. I guess everyone always wants to ask 'why?'. It's the classic question. Why me? Why them? Why us? Why now? Why? Why? WHY? They teach you in med school to try and steer people away from focusing on why this is happening and focus on what we can do about it. I lapped all the stuff up a few years ago but really its all just shit! Because all of this is just so unfair and on nights like this all you want to do is shout 'WHY?' to the heavens and pray any god that might be up there will hear you and fix everything.

Truth be told I never was a very good Christian, Edward was always the one to get up for church every Sunday and pray for the rest of us. But I'm praying now.

God help me, I'm praying now.

He needs a transplant. He needs a transplant and he doesn't have much time. He needs a transplant so he can get his life back and I can start talking about our future. I don't even know if he wants kids, I'm too scared to ask. I need to ask him that but it just seems to cruel now. Making plans for the future would just make it harder if…that future didn't come.

Fuck now I'm crying all over my journal. Guess I won't be reading these pages back again. I probably won't want to, sometimes its best not to know what rubbish was pouring out your head at 3am in a hospital room.

I want more in my life than my career. I made that decision when I told Dr Hoffman about us. I thought he would fire me right there on the spot and I was willing to risk that. I was willing to risk everything for Jasper and I still am. He needs a transplant. Every time he gets sick I think 'this is it, this is the time it's too much, this is when his organs shut down and he leaves me.' I've always been wrong, but the thing that scares me is that if he doesn't get a transplant soon then one of these times I'm going to be right.

I keep looking at people in the street and thinking 'you could be a match'. I keep looking around a crowded room and thinking, there must be so many people in here with two working kidneys that could give one to my Jasper without any harm coming to them. I shouldn't be thinking like that; it's not how doctors are supposed to think. Doctors are all about doing no harm and when someone's alive and well you can't just cut them open and take an organ out just because you want to. But despite all that; I still think it.

I just don't think I could make it if Jasper leaves me. He's the one. I know he is. I'm sure of that more than I've ever been sure of anything my whole life. That's so cheesy and I've read that back and realised just how cheesy it is and now I'm cringing at myself but…its true.

I'm starting to think maybe I definitely want to have his children; I mean I think I do. Maybe its just because Edward and Bella are about to make me an aunt or maybe its just me growing up but…I think I maybe I really do definitely want kids. I want them with him. He needs to make it through this.

I can't take much more of the late night rushing to hospital, the nights spent in hospital chairs keeping him company, watching as he gets weaker and weaker and not being about to do anything about it. Knowing that he will die if he misses a hospital appointment. I can't take it. I need God to answer my prayers now, I need him to make Jasper better. I'll do the rest. I'll work hard, I'll get him back on his feet, I'll marry him, I'll have his children, I'll give up my career if that's what it takes. But I just need this one little thing first. I need you to save him, please. I need him to live. God I need your help on this one. Please please please save him. If he dies he's going to take me with him, I can't survive without him, not anymore. He's the air that I breath and the blood that runs through my body. I need him.

I guess I just have to take one day at a time for now. These plans for the future aren't important right now. Just one day at a time. And tomorrow is mom's birthday picnic, so I have to think about that. I'm going to think about that.

I'm also going to try to sleep…so wish me luck. Or don't wish me luck, because I'm writing in a journal and journals can't wish people luck. I'm going mad.

Night night journal.

Authors note; I didn't really mean to write this. I sat down to start writing the next full chapter about Esme's Birthday picnic and this just slipped out so I thought I might as well slip it in as a little mini chapter.

Hope you enjoyed Alice's 3am rambling! Let me know what you all though? What do you think of Alice's thought of the future? Do you think she'll get what she wants? ...