Chapter 24 - Nothing Ever Comes That Easy

He died.

I kept repeating those two words over and over in my head until the consequences sank in.

He died.

When you die, your organs die with you. When your organs die, they can't be transplanted.

And he died.

"I'm sorry, I still don't quite understand." Rosalie said to the surgeon standing in front of us. "But you took my brother in for surgery and now you're telling me there's no organ."

"Yes Ms Hale, unfortunately the hospital didn't inform us of the donor's death until we had already put Jasper under anaesthesia." Dr Neto explained.

"So he isn't getting a transplant?" Rosalie asked. She'd asked that question so many times now, every time he answered it was like a wrenching ball to the chest.

Why did she keep asking?

"Not today Ms Hale, I'm very sorry."

Emmett put his arms round Rosalie to comfort her, but she flinched away violently. "Can I see him? Where is he?" She said sharply.

"He's currently being moved into the nephrology department; he'll need to stay in for a few days to make sure there's no after affects of the anaesthesia." Dr Neto explained calmly. He must be used to dealing with irate family members, this kind of thing must happen all the time.

"So you've made him worse? That's what's your saying, isn't it? You brought him in here and gave him drugs that made him sicker?"

Dr Neto opened his mouth to answer but I jumped in before he could. "He's just sick Rose, he's just…sick. We just need to be careful with him, keeping him in is just a precaution."

Rosalie's while body tightened, the anger was subsiding and she was holding in tears. I felt like I should be crying, this was sad…you cry at sad things. But I just felt tired and hollow. I kept trying to think about the little niece, they may have called her a stupid name but she was still beautiful and perfect. I brought her face to the front of my mind, but that didn't make me feel anything either. It was like all my emotions had been used up, none left.

Rosalie was taking slow deep breaths, I could hear them as loud as sirens even though she was across the room. Nee naw nee naw. In out in out. It was pitch black but the moonlight coming through the window left her silhouetted in a white glow. I don't know how long we'd been here, waiting in this room waiting for Jasper to wake up, long enough for the sun to set anyway.

"What happens now?" she asked softly, her voice barely staying steady. She was staring out the window, her eyes fixed on some pint far away. Maybe she felt the same as me, not wanted to look at Jasper. He was lying still, so peaceful, he thought he was going to wake up to a new life. Who have to be the one to brake the news to him. I could already picture the way his smile would fade and the light leave his eyes. I couldn't look at him for fear of braking down.

"We pray for another donor." My voice came out strained and almost cold. I still didn't know how to process what had just happened, all that hope and joy and relief wiped out just like that. It felt like when you shut your finger in a car door but for a few seconds you just stare at it, feeling nothing, knowing that any second the pain was going it to hit. I knew when this hit it would be crippling. "We pray another organ becomes available before.." My voice cause in my throat.

Rosalie turned from the window to look at me, her face twisted in anguish. "Before what, Alice?"

I took a deep breath and tried to stay steady. "Before his body can't handle the stress anymore, before its starts to shut down." My voice was so quiet I wasn't sure she could even hear me, but it was all I could do to stop the tears.

I could see Rosalie out of the corner of my eye turn to me, but I kept my eyes low. "And what will happen if it does?" she asked. I wish she hadn't. I couldn't bare to say the answer out loud, couldn't bare to think it.

Lifting my eyes from the floor they met hers. Her blue eyes, the twin of Jaspers, stared into mine and I could see my own fear reflected in them.

My hands clenched into tight fists, my nails biting into the soft flesh of my palms. Don't cry Alice, don't cry. "If that happens…he wont have long left."

My knees buckled beneath me and I sank to the floor. I couldn't hold it back any longer, the pain hit me and I couldn't have held in the sobs that tore through me no matter how hard I tried. I could feel Rosalie wrap her arms around me, her arms were shaking and her own cries of pain joined mine. I couldn't move or think, all I could do was let this grief consume me. I had to be strong for him, he would need me when he woke up, but no one could be strong all the time.

It felt like hours had past by the time Rosalie and I finally untangled. We couldn't cry any more, I used up all my stores and I felt empty and tired. How long had it been since I'd slept? Last night I'd been at the hospital with Jas, I'd hardly closed my eyes all night despite my best efforts to sleep.

"How long till he wakes up?" Rosalie asked softly.

"I don't know, it might not till morning. It's hard to say how long anaesthesia will take to ware off , especially with him." I answered. Because if the anaesthesia he'd been hooked up to a dialysis machine, the drugs could build up in his system and be toxic due to his renal impairment so we had to filter them out for him.

Rosalie got up off the floor and walk over to Jaspers side, she ran her eyes over all the equipment before resting them on Jasper's face. "I could have stopped all of this," She whispered. "If I hadn't been so stupid."

"We all do stupid stuff in collage Rosalie, I mean I never did drugs but loads of people do and…"

"It wasn't drugs," She interrupted, almost spitting her words. She sounded angry, but not me, at her self?

"But Jasper told me…" I questioned.

"I lied to Dad," She said. "I lied to dad when he asked be why I couldn't donate, why I'd contracted that stupid virus. I lied to him and then he lied to Jasper and I just couldn't…." She swallowed loudly and took a deep breath to steady herself. "I couldn't tell him the truth, how do you tell your brother something like that. How do you tell your baby brother you can't save his life because….because…"

I waited for Rosalie to continue, be she started silent. "Because of what Rosalie?" I prompted her. "What couldn't you tell Jasper?"

I stood and walked as quietly as I could over to her side. I took her hand in mine and she held it tightly. I could see in the shadow of her face that she was done crying, but her face was twisted in a kind of pain I was unfamiliar with.

"I cheated on my boyfriend, his friends drugged me and…and took turns…raping me…while the rest watched." Her voice did not crack or falter, instead it strong and full of anger. My blood ran cold at the thought of what she's been through, but she was a survivor.

"Oh god Rosalie I am so sorry," I said. I didn't move to hug or comfort her, she didn't need it, instead I just held her hand a little tighter to show her she wasn't alone.

"You shouldn't feel sorry for me," She spat. "I was young and stupid and I could have stopped all this, I could have saved my brother from all this pain and hurt I could have stopped it. What if he dies Alice? What if he dies and I could have saved him if I hadn't been such a slut in collage."

"Rosalie no," I said aghast. "This is not your fault. What happened to you wasn't your fault." I tried to put strength behind my voice so she would really listen to what I was saying. "What happened to you was horrible and wrong and not even slightly your fault. If Jasper knew the truth he would say the same thing, you know he would."

"But he shouldn't, I'm killing him." Her voice was low this time, almost inaudible.

"Don't say that, it's not true." I tried to move to catch her eye but her face was fixed away from mine. "You couldn't have done anything to prevent this Rosalie, what happened to you was not your fault. Rosalie please listen to me, it was not your fault." She said nothing for a long time, her face twisted in anguish. "Besides," I said after the silence had gone on too long. "you're a blood group match but that doesn't mean you could have donated to him, it's more complicated than that."

"I feel so helpless, watching him struggle. I wish I could take everything I did back. I left him alone with dad, and then he got sick and I didn't reach out to him. He needed me and I wasn't there. I know he still doesn't really trust me, I try so hard to show him I'm not going to leave him again but I still feel him keeping me at arms length. It kills me, but it's all my fault." Rosalie confessed.

I waited for a second, trying to compose my thoughts. What could I say to her? She was right after all, Jasper did push her away because he was scared of losing her again. But at the same time I know he needs her now. "You're here now Rose, that's all that matters." I finally said.

She squeezed my hand slightly, her only indication that she heard what I said. Silence fell upon us again as we stood by Jaspers bedside.

"Go get some sleep Alice, you look like you could use it." Rosalie said, turning to face me.

"How do you know; the rooms pitch black?" I asked.

When Rosalie spoke I was relived to hear the smile in her voice. "That's how bad you look." I huffed in mock offence. "Seriously, I'll stay here with him. I won't let him wake up from this alone. Please get some sleep."

"Okay," I relented. "But I'm not leaving, I'll sleep on the sofa over there." I said motioning to the very uncomfortable plastic covered sofa under the window. "Or maybe I shouldn't, I should keep you company and I don't want to fall asleep in case he wakes up and…"

"Alice," Rosalie interrupted. "Go get some sleep, you'll know about it the minute he wakes up."

I couldn't see her face, but I knew there was kindness in it. Rosalie was so strong; I'd never realised quite how much so until her confession tonight. She could come across a bit…brash, but she loved so fiercely. She would do anything for her brother, that was clear to see.

The sofa was just as hard and lumpy as it looked. Nevertheless, I closed my eyes and I could feel head getting fuzzy from sleep. I don't know how long it was I lay there not quite sleeping but not quite awake either when Rosalie's voice pierced my dreams.

"It's me now Jas," Her voice rang. "I think I finally got Alice to fall asleep, you're going to run that little pixie into the ground if you don't stop making her stay up to look after your skinny butt. You just need to stop getting sick now.

Do you remember when we were little and we used to get sick? Mom would always watch over us while we slept. Dad was always working but mom wouldn't leave our side, unless of course we were demanded some sort of food or drink…or she was cleaning out a sick basin. She never complained once, I never even remember her looking tired despite staying awake with us for days.

I miss her now more than ever. She would know how to look after you, she would know what to say and what to do and everything would feel like it would be okay. Instead you've just got me and I don't know how to do anything, I'm hopeless Jas. I feel like you're drowning and there's nothing I can do because I never bothered to learn how to swim. I wish I knew how to swim Jas.

Mom would have known how to swim. Even dad would have known how to swim and he was a bit of an emotional retard. How did you get on with him all those years I was gone? I've never asked you but I've always wondered. I guess asking you that would make me face that fact I left you there, basically alone. Did he get better after you got sick? Did he look after you? I bet he did, we never really got on but if we needed him I knew he would be there.

Him and mom are back together now, that's how I like to think about it anyway. But it's not time for you to join them yet Jas. You have to stay here with me, you're the only family I have left and I'm not letting you go anytime soon. You have you walk me down the aisle you know, you have to give me away…so you have to stay with us."

I could hear tears in her distant voice, I could almost feel myself coming out of my dreamy haze, but something told me to stay still a little while longer.

"Jas did you move?" She kept her voice low but I could almost hear her heart rate increase. "Jasper are you awake?"

I opened my eyes just a sliver, just enough to see him. He shifted awkwardly in bed and Rosalie was took his arm immediately to stop him moving his lines. I saw him raise his head slightly, enough that he would see the thick tubes winding round his arms. He knew what those tubes meant.

"I didn't get the transplant," He whispered. His voice was low and groggy and barely audible. There was sadness in his voice, but it almost sounded like he wasn't surprised.

"No baby," Rosalie cooed. "The donor died. I'm so sorry Jas, I'm so sorry."

"That's okay," he whispered. "Nothing ever comes that easy I guess." His last word was barely a breath as he slipped back into the depth of sleep. Silence fell for a only a moment before Rosalie's tears caught in her throat. I got up and put my arms around her, trying to squeeze away the hurt.

"He's going to be okay," I whispered. I said it again and again hoping against hope that the more times I said it, it would become true.

Hope you guys enjoyed! Leave me some love (or maybe abuse) please know i love our Jasper just as much as you guys! xx