"Yes. Now you understand... I couldn't focus on my plan for Despair... Because I needed to be with you. Because everything else is boring."

My sentiment exactly. There was a reason that I struggled to catch him, even if it wasn't voluntary.

Hm… Why was he telling me this, right now?

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"What time would be better? I could tell you've been feeling something similar. Right?"

Ah, I see. It's a ploy to get me to discuss my true feelings. But there's no way I'm telling him now. I'm still confused as to what's happening. And besides, the backlash from the Foundation would be absurd, especially with this many people around to hear me, if I even remotely indicated any allegiance with Izuru Kamukura.

I struggled to come up with something to say for a bit. But thankfully, the waiter came back with the boxed up meal.

"Here you go, miss."

"Thank you."

I proceeded to put it in my backpack. Izuru was still looking at me, expecting an answer. I couldn't think of anything better to say, so I simply agreed.

"Yes."

"And why is that?"

There he goes again. Izuru gave me that classic grin, just like before. He was testing me; he knew what I was going to say, but he wanted me to say it. I couldn't tell how red my face was, to be honest. I experienced the same wave of nervousness as before, looking at him watch me. It was like his burning red eyes were peering straight through my purple ones and into my heart. I pondered for a bit, before deciding on the optimal thing to say.

"I… can't explain."

"I see… I can't trust you, then."

Huh? What did he say?

Izuru Kamukura got up from his seat and started walking away from the table.

Wait… Did I just blow my chance? Did I - Argh, I'm supposed to be capturing him!

I'm getting very tired of this…

I stood up and reached my hand out to stop him. I was going to say 'Wait!', but someone else said it first.

"Wait! Sir, you forgot to pay the bill. You told me to put it down in your name."

Izuru Kamukura stood still for a second, and then reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun. It was a small gun, but my detective instincts told me it could kill in one shot. He pointed it directly at the waiter's head. The waiter was beyond shocked, but he instantly threw his hands in the air and stopped moving. The other guests here tonight all gasped at this, and some of them hid under their tables. As much as guns and fighting were commonplace in today's world, they were rare at such a civil establishment as the Striped Bear.

"Please walk away, or I'll make sure you forget your head."

Did he always do this whenever he ate? It wasn't right, by any means. But Izuru was capable of doing brutal things, as we've seen before. Maybe if I tried to stop him...

"Izuru, please-"

"Kyoko, leave now."

"But-"

"Just leave."

Not wanting to argue with someone with a gun, I promptly picked up my backpack and walked out of the Striped Bear. It's a shame we couldn't get to talk more… Wait.

As soon as I exited the double doors, I ducked and crawled around to the side of the building, the one without see-through windows. I'll just wait for Izuru and trail him home. I'll find where his hideout is, and I'd get to tell him my feelings. Talk about killing two birds with one stone… Now all I had to do was-

"You act like I don't know you."

Huh?

"Kyoko, I know you're there. I told you to leave."

What? I looked around the corner of the building and saw Izuru's head sticking out of the door. How did he find out? Am I really that transparent?

I got up and looked at him for a second.

"Fine."

I straightened myself and started walking home. It was nice that it stopped raining. But my mood still didn't lighten up. I was mad at myself that I didn't accomplish either of the goals I set out to do… although, from deciphering my inner feelings, one of them mattered to me more than the other. Which is not what I expected a couple days ago…

When I got back to my house, I got ready for bed. I didn't feel like doing anything else. As I laid there, thinking tonight over, I did something I haven't done in a really, really long time.

I cried. I cried for the difficult decision I had to make. I cried for my weaknesses. I cried for Izuru. I cried for the Foundation. I cried for Makoto and Byakuya and everyone else that had to deal with me. Tonight, I no longer saw myself as the Ultimate Detective.

I was just Kyoko Kirigiri, a girl with many, many problems.

Day 3

I woke up the next morning with the same attitude. I was unable to get out of bed because of it. I felt so… defeated. No matter how hard I tried, my body just wouldn't move. There was no point, really. I've messed up everything I've done these past couple days, and it'd just end the same way… I just wanted to lay here, to hide away from everything, to be ignored by the world.

I didn't know what to do, what to believe in, or how to feel. By not committing to either Izuru or the Foundation, I essentially committed to neither of them, which was the worst possible outcome. This feeling I had… of uselessness and pessimism… is that how Despair truly felt?

An hour passed. Two hours passed. And, still I didn't move. I've never felt this way before. I was just so done, with everything. I never contemplated giving up life as a detective until now. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was the only thing I was good at, even if I did mess up every so often. I slowly pulled myself out of bed. I was getting pretty hungry anyways.

I slowly waltzed outside my room, into my kitchen, and up to my food pantry. With a sigh, I creaked open the cabinet. When I saw what was in there, I let out an even bigger sigh.

It was basically empty. Except for some sugar, a mostly empty box of Monokum-O's, a brown-ish banana, and a box of oatmeal I haven't touched in ages.

I did not want to leave my house today… So I'd have to eat something here. Great. I grumbled and unwillingly reached for the oatmeal - until I remembered something.

I still had that steak from yesterday. It was in that box the waiter gave to me. I turned around and tried to remember where I put my backpack… Wait, I put that in the fridge last night, right? Did I?

I walked two steps and opened the fridge. It was almost as empty as the pantry… I'd have to go to a grocery store soon… And not one like Mono Mart, either. A reputable one… But that's besides the point. Luckily, the box from the Striped Bear was in there. So, I tossed the contents into the microwave, chose a random time (it didn't matter, really), and watched the food rotate steadily. This wasn't very entertaining, but I didn't care. Seeing something constantly move around in a circle and not get anywhere reminded me of something else… Rather, someone else...

Y'know… even though Izuru didn't have my meal poisoned before, the waiter could have poisoned it when he boxed it up…

That didn't matter, either. If it's poison, he can kill me. I wouldn't be doing anything else, anyways…

The microwave beeped, and I opened it up. The food felt pretty cold. Grumbling, I closed the microwave again, doubled the time I originally added to the microwave, and started it again. After a couple seconds of waiting, I surprisingly got bored, so I decided to take a quick shower, so I could be at least somewhat civilized today.

I'm sure you wouldn't like me to describe my shower. And if you would, then you're very much someone I don't want to meet. Unless you're…

Ugh, even thinking of him didn't get my hopes up. By this point, I fully engulfed myself in my self-pity…

I went in my room, put on respectable clothes, and went back into the kitchen. The food in the microwave was long finished cooking, so I took it out. I grabbed some silverware from my drawer, sat down at my table, and started eating.

As I took the first bite of my steak, I realized it wasn't as warm as I'd expected. Or soft. Or chewy. Probably the result of it getting left to cool in the microwave for ten minutes…

I tried the mashed potatoes. Just as I thought. A bit cold.

Eh. I didn't feel like microwaving the plate again. It didn't matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. I ate the steak cold. Within five minutes, my jaw started to get sore from chewing. But I continued to eat.

I didn't know what to do with myself after I finished eating. I eventually decided to slouch on the couch and watch some television.

I turned on the TV manually, and couldn't find the remote... so I was stuck with whatever was on. It seemed like this show was about… robots. Ugh, robots weren't really my thing. Whatever…

There were some mechanical beasts terrorizing some industrialized, futuristic city. It looked nothing like the city I was living in, so peaceful and friendly before the monsters attacked. I continued to watch, and the city looked like it was on the brink of destruction. Then, for some reason, the beasts stopped attacking. The camera panned away from the city, to something that the beasts were rapidly running towards. It was…

Oh, seriously? It's just Monokuma. You'd think that bear would get old by now…

BRRRRRRRRRRRING!

Huh? Was that?

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!

Yeah, that's my phone. Who would call me?

Wait, did Izuru somehow get my home phone number?

I walked over to the phone and checked the caller ID.

Oh, it was just the Future Foundation. I didn't want to talk to them. So I let the phone ring and go to voicemail. They didn't say anything, of course. Any intelligent detective knows that you don't leave records of important messages just sitting there for anyone to find...

They probably wanted to ask how my mission was going. And I didn't want to tell them. It's been such a disappointment. Even if I managed to tell them everything that was happening, it wouldn't matter. What help would they be? It's not like any of them have ever experienced what I'm going through…

Huh… That's an interesting thought… As a matter of fact, I think I do know someone who might understand my situation.

With newfound motivation, I picked up the phone and eagerly called his number.

"Kyoko?"

"Hey, Makoto."

"Oh, hey, what's up?"

"I need to ask you something."

"Sure, what is it?"

Oh. Right. I didn't think of how to phrase the question. What was I asking him about, again? About his time with Sayaka in Hope's Peak. About loving someone who had the potential for such Despair.

"It's about…"

It's about Sayaka. But what would he think? If I started asking him questions about how he felt, he'd surely assume something was up. I did want his help, but telling him about my problems was, for some reason, not very appealing to me. It was probably because-

"About what?"

"About… your progress on the program."

Ugh, I felt like an idiot for that. But I wasn't comfortable asking about anything else, really.

"Oh, yeah, it's coming along great! We should be finished within a week. And then we'll be able to, hopefully, change the Remnants for good… Which reminds me, how's your investigation going?"

I lied. "Fine… Makoto, if you don't mind, I need to continue my work. I apologize for the brevity."

"Yeah, I should get back to work, too…"

"Good bye, then."

"Bye!"

I abruptly hung up the phone. Although I did regret that decision, it was what I was used to. I'd have to tell him everything, but suppressing my feelings was so natural to me that doing anything else seemed to be almost impossible. I had it drilled into me that any weakness in character was exploitable by your enemies. Showing any signs that anyone got through to you was almost like death.

These ways of a detective were in my blood. Always being calm in tense situations. Always doing what was right, no matter the cost. Always prioritizing others before themselves. It was a detective's sacrifice. And, now, it was my undoing. How fitting.

Spending last night and this morning thinking about it, I realized this was why I couldn't tell Izuru I loved him last night. Because it wasn't in me to do so. The other 'reasons' I came up with were logical, but they were also excuses. Excuses that kept me from experiencing the unknown.

Expressing my true feelings required me to move past so many of these, boundaries, that I've been building up since childhood. It's like I was an egg, the yolk of my feelings trapped inside. Except in that case, I wouldn't be just an egg. I'd be an egg with an inch thick shell. Or maybe I was like one of those bottles, the ones with ships in them that were impossible to get out…

Enough. I'd go crazy if I spent any more time inside by myself doing nothing. I needed to get my mind off this.

So I left my house. There was nowhere for me to go, really, so I wandered around. Maybe I'd go to that coffee shop again…