A/N: Who likes Pan? I really hope you guys do. He might not be your favorite, but that's ok. Plenty of characters out there. And, DragonReckoning I named one of the Mabari after you. You've been a loyal reader and a good friend. On with the adventure!
Elana had split off from Pan and the two Mabari to go on to Vigil's Keep by Amaranthine where the Wardens now stayed in Ferelden. She had the book and the potion with her so the other Wardens could study it while Pan was gone. He'd told her that he had some business to take care of in Denerim, which she didn't believe, but she'd tell the others anyway. They all knew how much Pan enjoyed visiting King Alistair and his little family.
The Warden Commander strolled through the gates of Ferelden's Capital casually, ignoring the stares he got from the many people in the market. The older generations of people knew who he was. The younger ones hadn't really seen him much, only heard of his exploits.
In passing, he heard two teenage girls giggling to each other.
"Is that King Alistair?"
"No way! That has to be his brother or something!"
"He's so handsome, though!"
Pan mentally rolled his eyes. He and Alistair shared a striking resemblance to be sure, but late King Maric had only two sons; Cailan who had been killed in the Battle of Ostagar, and Alistair who sat on the throne. Pan shared Alistair's blonde hair, charming smile, and awkwardness… But their eyes were different colors, and their noses were different! Alistair had hazel eyes and a straighter nose. Pan's were more of an emerald green and he had a little bit shorter nose that had been broken once or twice.
He'd spent way too much time trying to convince people that he wasn't the King of Ferelden's brother. Not that he minded too much. He was a little distracted by old memories that he didn't notice someone calling him.
"Warden Commander!" called a stern male voice.
Pan snapped his attention to the man he recognized as the Captain of Denerim's guards, Leon Galmer. He was always a stick in the mud and had a bad habit of trying to get into business that he shouldn't have been involved in. Which included Pan and Alistair's. Pan groaned and waved a hello to the irritating man. A few people in the market seemed to perk up and buzz with gossip right away.
'So that's the famous Warden Commander!'
'What's he doing here?'
'I heard he's here because the King found him a wife.'
The random rumor that started for no reason. It was the way Denerim was and would always be. That was the exact reason that Pan never enjoyed being a noble. The stupid machinations that went to work as soon as someone got an idea in their head. The common people liked to imagine things about others more than nobles did… At least in the Capital they did.
"What brings such an honored visitor to the streets of Denerim?" asked the middle-aged man with his nasally voice. Pan tried his best not to grimace. Galmer's voice was a sound worse than a screech of a Deepstalker.
Pan smiled and rubbed the back of his neck, "I uh… I just came to visit King Alistair is all. The Prince's fifth birthday is coming up as well, so I have something for him."
The Captain didn't seem satisfied with that, but he'd gotten scolded more than once for delaying 'Royal business'. Alistair always called it that even if Pan dropped by for no reason at all. Which was more often than not. Unfortunately, Pan couldn't get the annoying man to go away. He ended up getting an escort all the way to the castle. Pan argued for all of five minutes to try and convince Galmer not to have him announced. It was supposed to be a surprise. Or, that's what Pan said anyway. In reality, the Warden just hated to be announced. He'd rather just come in and say hello without being all formal and official.
Eventually, the Guard Captain left Pan to roam around the castle grounds alone. He nodded to a few of the Royal guard as he passed by or to a familiar servant. He'd spent much of his time in Denerim, so he knew the staff almost as well as the Royal family did. Pan made his way to the council room where he figured his friend was. The council always seemed to have something to complain about. Usually Orlais. His two dogs had run off to go explore the gardens and check on their favorite place: the kitchens.
Turned out, he was right. Pan slipped in without much notice and watched from the back of the room. Technically, he had a seat on the council, but he didn't ever use it. Wardens tried to stay out of politics and affairs of that nature.
"It would seem that the Inquisition has not made an alliance with the Rebel Mages of Redcliffe. I feel that they should be dealt with carefully since they are still unstable. Until we can find a new place for them to go, does anyone have any suggestions of where to send them?" Alistair asked the many men that sat around him. Pan almost laughed aloud when he saw Prince Killian's little blonde head pop up beside Alistair. Killian usually went to the meetings with his father, but this was new. The King helped the toddler prince up onto the table and listened to him talk for a moment.
"Daddy, put them in time out. They did a naughty thing, so… so they need to be in trouble," he said proudly nodding. Alistair listened to him with a serious expression on his face and a sparkle in his eyes. The council grumbled at the informality in which their King was behaving. Pan thought it was great. How else would Killian learn to be a great ruler?
"Good thought, Prince Killian. They did do a naughty thing and should be in trouble," he said before turning his eyes back to the rest of the room, "They took over Redcliffe, and ousted Arl Tegan and his family. I will not stand for it. I gave them a chance for sanctuary and they disrespected it. If I have to, I will march there myself and exile them! But, they will leave Redcliffe! Council dismissed."
The council members filed out talking amongst themselves, none paying much attention to Pan. Finally, the room was empty except for the King and his young son. Alistair's head was in his hands, and Killian was playing with a wooden horse, his back to the door. Pan stealthily made his way towards them, only speaking when he was a few feet away.
"I thought Killian's plan was brilliant, actually," he said with a smirk.
Alistair's head shot up in surprise, and Killian turned around with a delighted squeal.
"Uncle Pan! Uncle Pan is here, daddy!" he cheered.
"It's good to see you again, my friend! What brings you here?" Alistair asked happily.
Pan scooped Killian up and twirled him around before setting the boy on his shoulders.
"I just thought I'd come by," he said with a look that told Alistair there was more to it. He didn't trust the walls of the council room, and there were some who wanted Alistair to hand over his crown because he was a Grey Warden. If they found out Pan had possibly found something that could get rid of the corruption, he was afraid they'd try and assassinate his friend.
"Mommy's gonna have another baby!" Killian announced.
"Is she? Well, that means you're going to be a big brother. You've got to teach them everything you know, ok?" Pan said half-serious.
Killian put his 'serious face' on and nodded like he was playing a soldier. Pan looked at Alistair who was shining with pride.
"Congratulations. How far along is Lady Ariel?" Pan asked.
They strolled out of the council room towards the private quarters where the Queen spent most of her days, painting, singing, sewing, and brushing up her swordplay. She'd been one of the nobles that had helped them in the last battle against the Archdemon. She knew what they'd done and how much it took to accomplish it.
"Oh, I'd say probably six months now. It's been a while since you visited us," Alistair said not unkindly.
Pan smiled sheepishly and sighed, "You know how being a Warden is. Plus, I've been looking into something. I thought I'd tell you because it affects you and your family."
Alistair's eyebrows raised. He trusted Pan with his life, and knew if anything were a threat to his family, Pan would be the first to throw himself in front of the danger to protect them all. They were pretty much Pan's family. After he'd lost his mother, father, sister-in-law, and his young nephew, Fergus had become hostile and distant. So, there wasn't much comfort in going to Highever. Pan helped Killian down from his shoulders and knelt down to look the boy in the eyes.
"Your birthday is coming up soon isn't it? You're going to be five! That's pretty impressive, huh? Well, I was in Nevarra and brought you back something," Pan said, digging in his pack, pretending to look for it for a long time. Killian bounced with excitement. Pan always brought him back something from his travels. It wasn't nearly as great as what his parents got him, but the little boy seemed more interested in what Pan had than what his parents got him.
The Warden pulled out a little toy soldier in black and purple armor with a Navarran crest on it. It held a sword and a shield, and bore a fierce expression, common to all of the people of Nevarra. Killian's eyes lit up as he inspected it.
"A Mortalitasi carved this himself and enchanted it so bad spirits can't come near you. No bad dreams!" Pan explained to his godson.
"Ooooh! That's so cool, Uncle Pan! Can I play with it now?!" he asked.
Pan handed it over and nodded. The two blonde men watched the prince run off to his room excitedly.
"That should help him get over the fear of monsters under his bed," Alistair said with a chuckle, "Now, what's this you found?"
Pan rubbed the side of his face where his scruff had grown, trying to figure out how to tell Alistair without instilling false hope. There really wasn't a way with how his friend was.
"For the past few years, I've been looking for something that could change the Wardens for the better. That's why I've been hard to find, and I apologize. I was just in the Emerald Graves in Orlais and found a Dwarven… gate of some kind—" he started.
"What? Dwarven? Are you sure? Have you told the Empress?" Alistair questioned, completely missing the point.
"Yes, I'm sure. I opened it myself, and there's no way it could've been anything different. I've decided not to tell Empress Celene because it's quite dangerous. There was some sort of sea creature in there. And, yes I'm sure it was a sea creature. It had a lake inside of the cavern with salt water. Anyway, what I've been looking for lead me there and I found a book and some sort of potion. I couldn't really read the book, so I sent it back to Vigil's Keep to be examined. I'm… not sure what the potion was."
Alistair took a deep breath and blew it out amazed at what he had just heard. He seemed doubtful, but he'd been through some pretty wild things with Pan in the past. "What were you looking for?" he asked.
"A cure for the taint."
Alistair looked about ready to collapse. He'd never really thought about it, but he didn't have much time as a Warden left either. He'd been with the Wardens for several years before he'd met Pan, and was probably closer to the Calling than Pan himself was.
"That can't be possible… But, you know I'm sure you have enough time to look for it if it is a real thing," Alistair said, his mouth going into overdrive as his brain struggled to keep up. He babbled on about not hearing the Calling and other things about the Wardens.
Pan clasped the King's shoulder and shut him up with his next words, "I've started hearing the voices, Alistair. I haven't told anyone yet, but I think my time may be running out. I'm… I'm okay with that. But, before I go, I need to make sure you can see your children grow up."
Alistair frowned and shook his head, "No. I'm not okay with that. The world still needs you. This Inquisition could use your help with what they're facing right now. There's an old magister thing and—"
"Morrigan is with them… And my son. She doesn't want me there, so I'll respect her wishes. If the Inquisitor calls on me any other way, I'd gladly help," Pan said sadly.
The king was taken by surprise once more. Pan never talked about his unknown child; simply for the reason, he'd never met his child. For Alistair to now hear that it was a boy, and that Pan actually knew where they were was miraculous.
"For the love of—Pan! Listen to yourself would you? You have a son. You actually know where he and the woman you love are, and you're not going to find them?! Maker shit on what Morrigan wants! You need to find your happiness in this world," he almost yelled. Pan hadn't seen Alistair this mad since he'd faced Loghain all those years ago.
"Alistair, look, I'm trying to do something good for you and your family. I'm not giving up on that. Sure, I need to go sweep Morrigan off of her feet again and spend some time with Kieran. But, if I show up at the Inquisition's doorstep out of nowhere, she'll just disappear in the dead of night again. It'll be harder than ever to find her once she's gotten what the Inquisition can offer her. There is no one in all of Thedas that can find that sodding woman when she doesn't want to be found! I told Leliana that I was some place far off to the West so Morrigan wouldn't have to worry about me chasing her again. Obviously, I lied. You know good and well that I will do everything I can to help save people's lives. That's just how I am. I don't know what I want. I don't think I know how to be happy anymore. I don't think… I don't think I belong to this world anymore."
Pan started off heated and ready to throw a punch, but by the end he was deflated and just wanted to hide in his room in Vigil's Keep. He didn't want to bother anyone with how much he felt like shit. How sad he was all the time. He was afraid that Alistair would say that Pan just needed to lighten up and do 'such and such' to feel better. The truth was, Pan never felt better. He always felt like a cloud was hanging over his head and he had no place in the world. He was ready to let death claim him. He was ready to fade into nothing but a story for children.
Alistair put an arm around Pan and led him out to the gardens, unsure of what to say. They got to a statue and Alistair backed up from Pan just slightly.
"You know what? I think the Hero of Ferelden has lost his way… If you want to, you can always stay here with us. Ariel would love to have you around, and you know Killian would be excited to see you more often. You'll find your happiness, Pan. It's out there somewhere," the King said.
Pan looked up at the statue, surprised to see the symbolic griffon rearing up with its wings spread. It had a plaque that was dedicated to him.
"To the Hero of Ferelden, Pantheras Cousland, who saved us all from the Fifth Blight.
May the Maker watch you and keep you always."
Queen Ariel swept around the corner then, long brown hair pinned up elegantly with a few pearls decorating it. She wore a beautiful blue and white dress. Her face was calm, but in her blue eyes was a storm. Pan did his best to smile when he saw her. Apparently she'd heard the last few exchanges between the two Wardens.
"Pantheras Cousland! I cannot believe you! You are the gentlest man I know, and you're usually the voice of reason around here. You have a heart of gold and could charm a Qunari. I can't believe that you think that after everything you've done you don't think you belong to this world anymore. There are countless people that owe you their lives. Last time you were in court, there were a great number of young ladies that asked about you. Or their fathers did. If you just opened your eyes and looked around, you could find some sort of happiness! It takes time, sweetheart. You have to find a place you like and stick with it," she scolded.
Alistair all but pouted, "You know he didn't do it alone, love."
Ariel shot him a look, "He led the armies, now close your pretty mouth."
The King scowled but let his beloved wife continue.
"Whether you're doing something in Ferelden, or somewhere not even on Thedas, you need to find it. I know you will, with time," she finished softly.
Pan hugged her and kissed her hand gently, "Thank you, Ari. I kind of needed that. Would it be okay with the both of you if I stayed here for a night? I'm heading to Amaranthine tomorrow to see if they've got anything new for me."
"Of course you can stay!" Alistair said.
The Queen laughed and agreed with her husband, "By the way, who's the new Arl of Amaranthine? After you'd stepped down it's gone through a few hasn't it?"
"Erm… I'm not exactly sure right now. I haven't been there in a while. It's been through four, I think. Last I heard, it was a woman from that area. They don't exactly like one of the Wardens ruling over them. I don't mind as long as we can use the Keep."
Pan and Alistair stayed up relatively late and shared drinks, talking about what they'd been up to for the past ten months—that was the last time Pan had been in Denerim. After drinks, Pan went to his room and fell right asleep.
However, it was far from restful. He had nightmares of the Archdemon, losing his family again, chasing Morrigan, and a deformed face trying to goad him into going to the Wester Approach. The voice calling him to the Western Approach was the most dominant, always appearing behind all of the others. It said it was his time to honor his order and lay down his sword.