7.
"Haru, put that down."
"No."
"Yes! Don't make me tell you again. We are not having that tonight."
"Shut up, Makoto."
"Haru, I swear to god if you put that in the basket, I will make the smallest of cuts in one of your swimming suits, and you will never know where. You will have to live with it and suffer." Haru glared over the pack of mackerel in his hand, trying to gage the seriousness in those lovely green eyes of his.
"You wouldn't dare."
"Do you really want to make that bet?" Haru couldn't help but feel slightly offended as Makoto stabbed him in the back with the threat of his suits. It was a low blow. As dramatically as he could, Haru dropped the pack of fish back with others, cheeks puffed out in a pout. Not even mackerel was worth the risk.
"I don't see what's wrong with having mackerel."
"We've had it the last four nights I've been over!"
"So? It's good." Really, why must Makoto be in such denial over the obvious?
"Well, I want something else!" Makoto replied hotly, grabbing Haru by the wrist to steer him away to another isle. The touch caused Haru's fingers to tingle and he flexed them instinctively. "We will turn into fish ourselves at this rate! Hm, well I suppose Haru already has that covered."
"Makoto, are you calling me a fish?" Haru looked up to find playful eyes looking down at him.
"You do spend a suspicious amount of time in the water." Makoto looked thoughtful. "But you have legs, so not quite a fish. More like a mermaid. Hey, didn't you write that down for what you wanted to be in kindergarten?"
"Don't be ridiculous!" Haru felt his face heat up because yes, yes he had. Leave it to Makoto to not forget about it, either. "I'm going back for the mackerel."
"Don't even think about it!" Makoto snagged his elbow before he could even try. "Let's broaden our horizons! Try new things!"
"Fine." Haru crossed his arms. "What are we eating, then?" Makoto grabbed some rice of the shelf and added it to their shared basket.
"Green curry!" Haru narrowed his eyes.
"Isn't that your favorite?" he accused. "How is that something new?"
"It's not mackerel."
"I'm not making it." Haru refused, looking the other way. It was Makoto's turn to pout.
"What Haruuu…! Please?"
"No. If we can't have what I want, then we can't have what you want either." Haru didn't care if it was selfish. He was bitter, dammit.
"That's not fair! Then what are we supposed to eat?"
"I don't know."
"Then let's just have curry! Please, Haru?" Makoto clapped his hands together in prayer, bending down so they would be eye level. "You haven't made it for a while and I've been craving it bad. No other place can make it the way you do. Not even Mom." Haru's ears perked a bit at the compliment and he made the mistake of looking back at Makoto. The puppy-eyes hit him like a brick, and left him momentarily speechless, the overall cuteness getting the better of him. Nobody should be allowed to make their eyes all big and sparkly like that. It was an incredible weapon of mass destruction.
"W-whatever." Haru exhaled deeply, looking away again. "Fine. We can have curry."
"Really?" Makoto's eyes lit up and he grinned broadly.
"Yeah." It wasn't really that much of a loss, anyways. Not when he got to see Makoto so happy like that. The brunette was practically buzzing with joy, humming softly as he grabbed the rest of the ingredients Haru would need to make their dinner.
It was on Makoto's own demand that he would pay for everything, despite Haru's protests, and after another stare down at the register, they left the small grocery store with two bags full of groceries.
"Is it really this late already?" Makoto groaned, staring at his phone with annoyance. "Crap, I didn't think it would take us so long to buy groceries."
"You're the one who couldn't decide between chocolate and white cake." Haru reminded, feeling the cake heavy in his bag. Sometimes Makoto could be as bad with his sweets as he himself could be with mackerel. Oh. Was this some kind of retribution?
"It was a hard decision!" Makoto whined, his voice reflexive of his recent struggle. "I don't want to make a bad impression on Hiromi-Chan's friends! What if one doesn't like white? What if someone is allergic to chocolate!? Someone could have died Haru." [1]
"Because choosing marble solved that problem."
"I just want to try and make the best of both worlds. At least this way everyone gets a bit of both. Ah, bu what if someone doesn't like cake…"
"Relax, Makoto. It's free food. No college student is going to say no to that. You even said that Hiromi wasn't expecting you to bring anything."
"Yeah, I know…" Makoto chuckled, scratching his cheek with his free hand. "I just don't want to make her look bad." Haru stopped walking and stood on his tip-toes, reaching up to flick Makoto in the forehead. "Owwie!"
"You're going to get wrinkles from worrying too much. There's nothing to worry about. You're a great guy. They'll like you, dumbass." I like you plenty.
"Haru…" A shock of electricity ran through him and curled his toes, making him bite his cheek. He thought he had gotten used to this feeling, but every time Makoto said his name like that, with care and adoration, he couldn't help but feel a bit loss for breath.
"W-well, unless they care about punctuality." Haru held his hand out expectantly. "Give me your bag and get going already."
"I can't make you carry these by yourself!" Makoto held the bag to himself like it was something precious.
Its two blocks, Makoto. I think I can handle it. Or are you forgetting that I usually go here for groceries?" This seemed to soften the idea a little, but Makoto still handed them over grudgingly.
"I should be over around six, then."
"Okay. Have a good time. Don't forget your 'best of both words' cake." Haru reached into the bag and managed to somehow get it into his hands despite both of his being full.
"Oh, right. Bye-bye, Haru! Sorry for making you carry it all." He offered a sweet smile to go with his apology.
"It's nothing. Bye, Makoto." Haru watched him backtrack the other way and turn a corner before continuing on his journey to home. Had he been able to get over Makoto smiling like that? Not in the least. A small smile crept over his lips. With nobody familiar around him, he allowed it to stay.
It had been three weeks now since he had realized that he was in love with Makoto. He had gotten used to the idea in theory quite quickly. But in practice, well, at least he was getting better. Most of the time it felt like Makoto was the wrecking ball and he was the wall getting crashed into over and over again. Haru had at least learned not to think about it too much. At least, not when he was with Makoto in person. The hardest part was Hiromi.
When it came to her, he struggled. Being around the two of them was a lot harder now that he knew than before. He had watched enough kisses and touches and whispered secrets now to last him lifetimes. It was beginning to take its toll. Now even just being around her was enough to fill his stomach with dread and apprehension. He didn't want to see it anymore. He wanted it to stop. He wanted Hiromi to just not exist. Of course, he knew that this desire of his was just the jealousy talking. He had to share Makoto. Haru knew this. But again, theory was a lot harder than in practice. It was also a lot less painful too.
Arriving at his house, Haru was greeted by his neighbor Lulu, a spunky 27-year-old lady with an orange pixiecut and tattoo all along her arm. Though a bit unpredictable for him, she was probably the only neighbor in his apartment complex that he liked. Not only was she a professional artist, she had two cats. He had been over several times to both learn some of her techniques and to play with the furry felines. In return, he had made her food. It was a mutual give-and-take relationship, really.
"Oh, Haruka! Hows it goin'? Where's your tall friend?" She currently was leaning against the railing, waiting for something to dry.
"He had to be somewhere." Haru replied to her, setting one of the bags down to grab his keys. Lulu eyed the bags up.
"Ah… What's with all the food? Got a date coming over?" she winked at him.
"No. Makoto is coming over to study. I said I'd make dinner."
"Saying you're studying doesn't make it less of a date, Harukaaaaa~" Lulu smiled, singing his name.
"It's more of a date than you've ever had."
"Hah! So you admit it!"
"No. I just mean your dating life sucks."
"Like your boyfriend."
"For the last time, Makoto has a girlfriend." Haru rolled his eyes at her, kicking his door open.
"Yeah you!"
"I hate you."
"I believe the word you're looking for is 'love'."
"Go home to your cats."
"Sourpuss."
"…"
"Are you still coming over Tuesday?"
"Yes." Haru slammed his door shut. Okay, so their relationship was a bit weird. Haru did actually like her though. Lulu had been kind enough to help him around Tokyo when he was still new to the area, and could even offer some deep conversation now and then. She sort of felt like an older sister. Annoying, but tolerable. Also cats.
Lulu did, however, seem hell-bent on believing him and Makoto were currently in a relationship. Even before Haru realized his feelings, she had been so sure they were dating. Not even Haru's assurance could deter her. Now, with him actually being in love with him, it just got that much more annoying. He had half a mind to introduce her to Hiromi just to spite her. Of course, that meant proving that Makoto really wasn't his boyfriend, and he didn't really want to do that either.
Haru sighed, kicking off his shoes before making his way to the kitchen to put away the groceries. If he would have told his high school self he would be having troubles in his love-life, he would have scoffed before diving into the pool. Now look at him. In love with his best friend and nowhere to go. Haru slid the rice into the cupboard.
He was just finishing up when his phone blared from the counter. Haru knew who it was right away because when it went off, the theme of Jaws started to play.
"Hey Rin." Haru said into the receiver, shutting the fridge door.
"Haru, go on Skype!"
"What? Why?" He raised an eyebrow, taking quick notice of the excited tone in the red-heads voice.
"Don't ask questions, just go on! I have something exciting to tell you!"
"No way! We're already on the phone. Just tell me now." Rin sounded positively offended that Haru would even suggest such a thing.
"No! Just freaking—ugh go on Skype, okay? I want to be able to see your face!"
"You're being stupid. I don't get why you can't ju-"
"Fucking GO ON SYKPE HARU!"
Oh my god, Rin, okay chill." Grumbling all the way, Haru made his way to his laptop and pulled open the screen.
"Was that so hard?" Haru felt his eye twitch.
"I'm shutting the screen now."
"No GODDAMIT HARU! I'm not asking for the world here!"
"I'd beg to differ." Haru shrugged, watching the little loading circle dance on his screen.
"Just- just go on skype." Rin's voice came in muffled then and Haru was sure he was rubbing his face in frustration. Well, that made two of them.
"Alright, I'm on. Oh wait, shit, I need to update." Haru could practically see the steam coming out of Rin's ears.
"Are you freaking kidding me!?"
"It was a joke Rin. I was trying to be funny."
"I hate you so much right now."
"I for one thought I was hilarious."
"The day you're funny will be the day pigs fly."
"Better start flying." There was a silence, then:
"Goddamn Haru! Who's been messing with your swimsuit?"
"It's been a rough couple of weeks." Haru answered honestly. "Now are you going to video chat me or not because either way I'm hanging up."
"Oh right!" seconds later a green calling circle appeared on the screen, followed by ringing. Haru hung up his cell phone just as the lines connected and Rin's face came into view. "Hey Haru." He grinned, waving at the camera.
"So what's so important that you must see my face?"
"Alright, so do you remember when you came with me to Australia and the Olympic team was there swimming?" It was rather hard for him to forget the place where he had discovered his dream, but he decided to humor Rin and nodded along. That guy who had the curly blonde hair? Yeah I raced him. Guess what else? I won." Rin flashed his shark teeth in triumph. "It was so cool!" Haru's eyes widened.
"Seriously?" his ears peaked a little in interest. He could still remember the head of the blood rushing through his veins, the shake of his hands from the nerves, the excitement, just from standing on the platform beside them.
"You bet your ass I did! I mean, it was only by like a second but hey, every moment counts. When we finished he even congratulated me! I may never wash my hand again…" Rin looked at it like it was his most prized possession.
"Nice. Still can't beat me though." Haru grinned, knowing he sounded way cockier than he should. On a normal basis, the two of them were pretty evenly matched. Jokes on Rin though the water still liked him better.
"Heh, we'll see about that. Next time we race I'll be leaving you in the dust."
"As if!" Haru could already feel the fire in his eyes. He was itching to go swim now.
"Anyways, that's my news." Rin smiled, laying his chin in his hand. "What about you? You mentioned earlier it's been rough." Haru found himself biting his lip, avoiding his eyes.
"It's nothing." Rin, obviously, didn't buy it.
"Does this have anything to do with Makoto getting a girlfriend?" Haru widened his eyes in surprise.
"How did you know that?"
"Because unlike you, Makoto calls me up once and a while." Haru noticed the bitterness in his voice and quickly made a mental note to call Rin more often. "Is that really what's been bothering you?"
"No." Haru replied quickly. A bit too quickly.
"Haru." Rin said seriously.
"No Rin, really. It's nothing. Sorry I mentioned anything."
"You're good at a lot of things, Haru, but lying really isn't one of them." Rin pulled his hair back with his fingers, holding it like a ponytail, before letting it go to reframe around his face. "So what's up? Is she a bitch or something?"
"No." Haru sighed heavily. "Not really. She treats him well."
"Then what?" Haru fidgeted with his fingers, his stomach in knots. He forgot how much Rin liked to pry. He was regretting more and more with each breath he took.
"Don't worry about it Rin."
"Well of course I'm going to worry about it!" he gestured at the screen angrily. "Look at you. The moment I mentioned Makoto's girlfriend you all but curled up into a ball. What happened? Are they spending too much time together without you or something? Get canceled on? Does she not like to swim?" Haru narrowed his eyes.
"That isn't it." Rin slapped his face to his hand.
"Have I ever told you that sometimes it's easier to talk to a brick wall than you?"
"Yes."
"Good." Haru couldn't help but make a small smile, which Rin joined in with his own. "So are you going to tell me what's wrong or not?"
"Probably not."
"It's not healthy to keep things bottled up, ya know."
"Thanks mom." Haru rolled his eyes, all the while still appreciating Rin's concern.
"Hey, I mean it. If this Hir-whatever is bothering you, I'm sure Makoto would like to know too."
"Don't you dare bother him with it, Rin. It's not something he can fix, anyways."
"Haru, are you jealous?" Though Haru did expect the question to more or less come up, he didn't expect his body to flinch at the question. It was a dead giveaway and Rin noticed right away. "I thought you said he wasn't ditching you."
"He's not." Haru insisted. Rin raised an eyebrow. "No really, Rin. He's even coming over tonight to study. Big exam or whatever. Besides, it's his life. I don't need to be part of every single second. I really don't care that he's spending time with her."
"Then I don't get it!" Rin leaned back in his chair, looking positively flustered. "What the fuck is the problem?"
"I told you. Don't worry about it." Looking at the webcam, Rin narrowed his eyes, more than likely hunting for the answers Haru refused to give. Haru stared him down, pressing his palms tightly together under the table in attempt to calm himself. He willed Rin to let it go, to let his curiosity evaporate into nothing. Stay out of his business, just this once. Please. Rin reached for something in front of him.
"I'm calling Makoto."
"What? No!" Haru suddenly found himself on his feet, chair teetering before finally resting back in its spot. "Rin you can't!" His legs felt like jelly and his hands shook no matter how firmly he pressed them against the desk's surface. Shit, he was not ready for this. If Rin called Makoto, he'd lose. He'd have to tell, have to confess. Because the moment Makoto would learn that something was wrong, he would never let it go. And then where would their friendship go? Fuck, he was so not ready for this! He wasn't ready to think about all the complications and consequences the truth would bring. There was so many unknowns and unsures, all with questions that he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer to. Silence was always better, always safer. Why did Rin always have to shove him right into chaos?
"And why the hell can't I?" Rin was looking at him like he had gathered enough evidence to be actually concerned. "This obviously concerns him and he should know whatever is bothering you!"
"Because I don't want him to freaking know, okay?" Haru took a sharp breath in, anxiously running his hand through his hair.
"Why can't you tell me, then!?"
"I just…. Can't." Because telling someone else made things a lot more terrifying and real. It was so much safer when everything- his emotions, his fantasies, his truths- were kept inside. He was afraid that if he opened the lid, it could no longer be contained. The leak would spread and spread until he suffocated in it and then Makoto would be gone, lost forever in the smoke that Haru had created.
"Then I'm calling Makoto!"
"Rin please." Haru begged, his eyes bright. "All calling will do is worry him and I can't do it, I just can't tell him, okay? Telling him will ruin everything." Rin's gaze softened towards him and the red-head set the phone aside.
"He's your best friend, Haru. I'm sure you can tell him anything."
"Not this Rin." Haru buried his face in his hands. "I just can't."
"You're really starting to worry me, Haru…" Rin leaned forward into his camera, his face serious. "Did she get you involved in something illegal?" the accusation surprised Haru so much that he looked up.
"What the? No!"
"If you're honest with me we can work it out together." Well, at least he knew he could always count on Rin to bail him out of jail.
I didn't fucking break the law, Rin."
"Shesh, it was just a question. What about just her then. Did you somehow find out that she is a secret hooker?"
"No."
"I know! She's a secret thief looking for her next sugar daddy." Where did Rin even get some of his ideas? Jesus he sounded like Nagisa.
"No." Rin paused for a moment.
"Haru. Did you sleep with her?"
"God no!" Haru shouted angrily.
"Then what is it!? I'm getting sick of tiptoeing around the topic! We've been friends for years, Haru! Open up to me for once, goddammit! Am I really that untrustworthy? What have I done for you not to believe I can keep a secret? I'm not going to call him up the moment we stop talking and tell him. I'm not that kind of guy! I wouldn't betray your trust like that! If you really think that all our friendship amounts to is a couple laps in the pool then you really need to sort out your pri-"
"I like him, okay!?" Haru couldn't listen to Rin any longer, not when Rin was starting to take things personally. "…I like him." Rin stopped with his mouth partially open, looking at Haru as if he had just turned into a fish right before his eyes.
"When you say like…" Rin started, his eyes wide with what? Shock? Wonder? Anticipation? Disgust?
"I'm in love with him, Rin." It was the first time he had said it to somebody besides himself and it left him with a sort of light-headed feeling. "I'm… in love with Makoto."
"For real?" Rin covered his mouth, leaning back to stare at the ceiling before looking back at Haru. "You're not joking with me, right Haru? This isn't some red herring or whatever to distract me from the truth?" Haru shook his head.
Rin's response was to burst into laughter, leaning into his palm for support while Haru was left blinking at him. It was by far not what he had expected and it left him feeling uneasy. Confusion? Yes. Discomfort? Probably. Disbelieving? He hadn't even believed it at first. But laughter? It made him feel like he had just made the biggest mistake in his life.
"Of all the things, this wasn't what I expected." Rin admitted as his laughter died down, rubbing his nose. "But I wouldn't say I'm that surprised."
"… What do you mean?" he asked, confused at the comment.
"Call it… a hunch." When Haru remained silent, he added, "Look, you and Makoto are… closer than most people. It's not that much of a stretch to believe it, to be honest. He's the only one your eyes light up for besides water and mackerel. Yes, I have noticed." Haru felt his cheeks burn hot.
"Oh." After shifting his eyes to the bottom left-hand side of the screen, Haru found courage to look Rin back in the eyes. "You're not… weirded out?" Rin snorted.
"About what? You being gay for your best friend? Last time I checked, I've been there, done that." Haru couldn't help but lose a small smile at that.
"I suppose you're right." Little by little, Haru could feel the stress of the conversation melt away. He no longer felt like his entire world was going to be destroyed. Instead, it almost felt… good to have told Rin. Like a weight that had only rested firmly on his shoulders had been distributed so that Rin held some of it now too.
"So how did it happen? When did you realize you felt this way?"
"I got kissed by a girl." If Rin would have been drinking something, Haru was sure that he would have sprayed the liquid all over his screen. Instead, he ended up sputtering.
"You what?"
"It's a long story." Haru shrugged. "I don't really feel like talking about it. All that really matters is that when she kissed me… I hated it. It felt so wrong, Rin. Like I was swimming in quicksand instead of water. It wasn't what I wanted. So… I thought of what I did want. All I could think of was Makoto. And then I kinda just figured it out from there."
"How long ago was that?"
"Around three weeks ago." Rin whistled.
"Nearly a month, huh?" Haru shook his head at that. No, that sounded wrong.
"I think I've been in love with Makoto for longer. He's… always been the most important person to me. It's just because of Hiromi that I've realized what exactly this feeling is." He smirked a little. "I never knew until she came into the picture that you could hate somebody so much just for existing."
"Somehow I always pictured you as the jealous type." Rin grinned. "You get strangely possessive over your things. I guess Makoto is no exception."
"You really are an ass, Rin."
"And you're in love~" Covering his mouth and looking away, Haru did his best to hide the expression on his face as his eyes brightened from Rin's words. God he still couldn't figure out if telling Rin was the best or worse decision of his life.
"…shut up." He mumbled. "Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. I got it. Mums the word!"
"I mean it Rin. Not even Sousuke." Haru narrowed his eyes to show he meant business. "If you tell anyone I'm never talking to you again. You can forget swimming at the Olympics together."
"Jeeze, alright already! Have some faith, man. I can hold my tongue long enough for you to tell him, at least." Haru found himself focusing on the keyboard in front of him in a very loud silence. "You… are planning on telling him, right?"
"Not really." His voice felt very small compared to Rin's boisterous one.
"Jesus Christ, Haru! You can't keep this a secret forever."
"I can try." Rin stared at him with disbelief. "I'm not going to confess to him, Rin."
"I don't believe this. So what, you're going to live in a one-sided love forever?"
"That's the plan." Haru hugged himself tightly, feeling a chill up his body.
"You have to tell him, Haru." Rin continued to press. "He would want to know…"
"Maybe. But no good would come out of it."
"That's bullshit! You never know if you don't try."
"No, Rin. I can't…" He felt as if he had said it a million times now. Why couldn't Rin accept that it was impossible, just as he already had? "It would be a disaster."
"Says who? What I don't get is why you're making Makoto look like an unaccepting ass! All you've done so far is put words in his mouth about something he doesn't even know about. You don't even know his feelings on the matter-"
"And what would you know about it, Rin!?" Haru spat, getting angry now. When Rin knew nothing of what he felt, understood nothing of the situation… "I just- I can't tell Makoto about this…! Stop pretending you understand-"
"I obviously understand more than you!"
"No you don't!" Haru felt tears stinging in his eyes now, hot and angry and painful. "He's with someone, Rin! He's happy and in love with someone else! I can't just go and confess to him! It won't work out and then nothing will be the same between us. I don't want things to change, dammit, I want to keep staying by his side! If that means things will suck for me, then so be it! I don't want to lose him, Rin. I love him. I love him so damn much I can't stand it..."
"Haru…" the look on Rin's face did nothing but worsen how he felt.
"I'm going to go take a bath…" Haru murmured, grabbing the top of the screen. "Thanks for telling me about your news. I'm proud of you." He didn't even wait for a goodbye before he closed his laptop.
XxXxXxXx
To his displeasure, the soak in the tub didn't do much to fix how crappy he felt. It pruned his toes, warmed up his insides, but no matter how long he sat there he couldn't shake the constriction surrounding his throat. It was as if he had swallowed lead and couldn't quite get it down. That didn't stop him from trying, of course. He sat in the bath until it was nearing 5 and would soon be too late to finish his and Makoto's meal on time. By then the hot water he had chosen to soak in had turned lukewarm, almost cold. Haru drained it in sorrow, despite finding the air a bit more comfortable.
With a towel loosely around his hips, Haru changed into something comfortable before making his way to the kitchen to prepare dinner. On the way he glanced at his phone and found two calls and three missed messages waiting for him. All of them were from Rin.
Come on Haru, call me back! Along with the two missed calls, the first message was dated around the same time Haru had hung up on him. The next message was sent about ten minutes later.
Look, I'm sorry Haru. I guess I really don't understand. But I want to. Call me back, okay? The last message had sent around an hour ago.
I just want you to be happy. Haru sighed heavily, distracting himself momentarily by turning the burner on before looking back at the message. Rin's sentiment on the situation warmed him up a bit on the inside, made the block in his throat feel a bit more manageable. It was nice to know that he had support from someone. It was more than he had expected.
Don't worry about it. Was the reply he sent back, pulling out his apron as he did so. And then, with another thought, he sent a second message. Thanks, Rin. Because really, he was thankful. Thankful that Rin had accepted his feelings without a second thought. Thankful that he was willing to listen, to help. It made him feel like he no longer was in the corner all by himself [2]. While he still wasn't so sure about having another person know about his feelings, he was more than grateful to have such an amazing friend at his side.
Makoto texted him about 10 minutes till 6, letting him know he'd be there shortly. This put Haru in a slightly better mood, as the thought of Makoto generally did. He wouldn't let his own personal feelings get in the way of their precious time together. Putting the curry to a low simmer, just enough to keep it warm, he stood on the tips of his toes to reach for plates. Honestly, he really had to stop letting Makoto put the dishes away when he came over. His arms could only reach so far.
When he finally did manage to get them down, he placed one at each end of the table, next pouring a glass of milk for Makoto and water for himself. Haru was just giving the rice another stir when the doorbell rang. His heart fluttered a bit out of reflex.
After double-tapping the spoon on the side of the pot, Haru wiped his hands on the front of his apron and quickly walked through the apartment to answer the door. On the other side he was greeted with the face of Makoto, expression as bright and soft as ever.
"Hey, Haru." Something was wrong. Haru had nothing to go off, no basis or reason that could be proven, but even so he could tell that something about Makoto was off. He was smiling a bit too wide. Those green eyes were a bit too bright. And the air around him. It felt way too heavy compared to what Haru was used to.
"Hey." Haru stepped aside, letting Makoto into his home. He watched him carefully, trying not to look too obvious. "The curry is pretty much ready."
"Yum!" Maybe he was overthinking it. Perhaps the conversation with Rin earlier had messed with his senses. Makoto looked fine now, putting his shoes beside the door and humming as he went to take a sneak peek of the coming meal. "Oh, Haru, it smells so good!"
"What are you, a kid?" Haru smirked as Makoto began bouncing on the balls of his feet. Yes, it had to have been his imagination. Makoto was fine. "Sit down and I'll serve it to you." Doing as Haru asked, Makoto sat down while he messed with a couple of knobs, did some last minute stirring, and pulled off his apron to set on the counter. Makoto licked his lips from the side.
"It's hot." Haru warned, scooping some rice onto his plate. It was followed closely by the green curry sauce. "So don't just go scarfing it into your mouth like some wild animal."
"I promise to behave like a perfect gentleman." Makoto smiled, raising his right hand. "Scouts honor."
"Hmph. Well, just in case, here's some napkins." Haru dropped a large stack of them in the center of the table. As he reached over to serve himself, he couldn't help but watch Makoto scoop up his first bite. The moan that followed was enough to make Haru's cheeks burn pink.
"Delicious!" the brunette praised, already scooping up another spoonful. "It tastes amazing, Haru!" Haru set the pan back on the stove and took his seat across from Makoto, refusing now to look at him.
"It's just green curry." Makoto didn't seem to think so though, not the way he was packing it away. He was slurping it up almost like soup. Haru made a mental note to pack up the leftovers for him to take home.
Comparatively Haru ate slower, nibbling at his curry. It was silent at first, and Haru didn't mind it much. Comfortable silences were something the two of them were used to. But after a while of just looking at his food- and sometimes Makoto- Haru decided he might as well start up some kind of conversation.
"So, how was Hiromi's?" and just like that, everything dropped. Haru could feel the tension in the room increase from nothing to static, all of it surrounding Makoto. He bit his lip, squirmed in his seat, and worst of all avoided Haru's eyes entirely. Haru couldn't even find a speck of green glancing in his direction. Instead it all seemed to focus on the half-eaten plate in front of him.
"It went fine!" He chuckled then, and Haru lost his appetite. Makoto was lying to him. It was obvious, plain as day. He didn't even need the words to tell. Not when he could read Makoto just as well as the brunette could read him. "Her friends were really nice."
"And the cake?"
"Eaten with no casualties." He smiled at Haru, but Haru could tell it was forced. It was as if he was putting on an act, pretending that everything was okay. Something had happened. Haru was sure of it. But what? His immediate thought was Rin, and his heart pounded in response. Rin hadn't… told Makoto, had he?
Haru watched Makoto take a hesitating bite as anxiety filled his system. The way Makoto was behaving, it definitely made sense. Awkward, a bit off, and hiding something. It wasn't that much out of character for Rin to jump right into things. But he had to have taken Haru's feelings into account before doing something so rash, wouldn't he?
Now his stomach felt like mush. Where part of him believed that Rin wouldn't do that to him, the other part assured him that that had to be the reason Makoto was behaving so weird. What else could it be? He moved a piece of rice with his spoon. Haru felt like he was going to throw up.
"Makoto-"
"Haru, sorry, I have to go to the bathroom." Blinking, Haru could do nothing but watch as Makoto stood up and quickly left the table. You're kidding. Haru set his spoon down and pressed the back of his thumb to his mouth, thinking hard. Does he know does he know does he know
Sitting soon became too much and Haru was on his feet, dumping the remaining food into the trash and setting it in the sink. Maybe he was just jumping to conclusions. Maybe Makoto didn't know. Maybe whatever it was had nothing to do with him at all. After all, it wasn't until he mentioned Hiromi that Makoto really started acting weird. Maybe she did something…
Haru dropped the dish irritably. Why was his entire world made of maybes lately? He was sick of them! They were heavy, unbearably crushing. Everything would be easier if he just knew and didn't have to guess. He wouldn't have to be trying to avoid invisible pitfalls.
"Haru, I heard a crash, is everything okay?" Makoto was back now, peering over at him curiously. He looked a bit more composed now, like he hadn't just had to run off to the bathroom. "Finished eating already?"
"Yeah, sorry, I just… dropped a dish."
"You didn't cut yourself, did you?"
"No. It didn't crack." Probably a good thing, too. The plates were his grandmothers, after all.
"Okay." Makoto walked over and grabbed his plate, about a ¼ of curry left on it. "I think I'm finished too." Haru looked at him in surprise.
"Are you sure? You can keep eating, if you'd like." Makoto shook his head.
"I'm not really hungry anymore." Eyeing Makoto up suspiciously, Haru took the plate from him.
"I'll wrap the leftovers up for you to take home, then."
"Thanks Haru." Ah, there was a genuine Makoto smile now. It made him feel a bit better, knowing that whatever was wrong, Makoto could still give him one. He started running the water. "Do you want help with the dishes?"
"No, it's fine." Haru shook his head. "I'm just going to let these soak."
"Alright, then I'll go set up in the living room. You said you needed my English notes, right?" Haru couldn't help but make a face in disgust.
"Yeah." Even if they were going to different schools, the language was the same. Besides, he needed all the help he could get. Why couldn't everyone just speak Japanese for god's sake? But because he was planning on competing all over the world one day, his couch required him to take it.
"I'll grab them, then." While Makoto left to prepare the living room for studying, Haru set to taking the leftover rice and curry off from the pans and poured them into their own separate containers. He set them in the fridge, then grabbing the glasses and spoons and putting them in the sink along with their plates. Not really feeling in the mood to scrub, Haru just left the pans on the stove.
"How many notes do you have?" Haru made a distressed noise, walking into the living room and finding a rather large pile of notes waiting for him. Fuck, was he expected to read all of these? He'd much rather read a dictionary.
"Huh?" Makoto looked at him, previously having been glancing at his phone. "Oh, yeah. I take a lot of notes."
"No freaking kidding." Haru walked over after grabbing his backpack from beside the door. "It's going to take me hours to read those."
"The highlighted stuff is what's most important." Makoto said, trying to be helpful.
"Makoto. It's all highlighted." Rolling his eyes, Haru took a seat across from his over-achieving best friend. "I hate this stupid language. Do they really need to have so many words that contradict each other?"
"Just work on memorizing." Makoto, the poor soul, was leaning over a math textbook as big as his head and as wide as his hand. "It'll get easier. Maybe do some practice sessions with Rin." Haru's heart skipped a beat.
"Hey… Makoto, speaking of Rin. Have you… talked to him lately?" Makoto looked up from his book, his eyebrows creasing in thought.
"Maybe a week ago? Why? Did something happen?" Haru felt his shoulders relax.
"No. He just called me today with some news. I was wondering if he told you."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. He said he won a race against an Olympic swimmer the other day."
"Really? That's great! I'll have to give him a call…" Makoto seemed to pin it at the back of his mind for later. "Wow, he must have been really happy."
"He was." Haru fiddled with a corner of Makoto's notebook. So Makoto didn't know. Whatever was wrong, he really had nothing to do it. Ease filled him, and Haru found it much easier to focus on the notes in his lap. Haru wasn't going to force Makoto to talk to him about what was bugging him, not if he didn't want to talk about it. It was sort of a mutual understanding the two of them had created over the years. They always meant for each other to be an oasis, a sanctuary to get away from the stress of everyone else. It was a secret promise only between them. They would always be each other's peace. With this in mind, Haru began working on the notes in front of him.
"Hey, Makoto, what does this English word mea-" but Haru stopped in his tracks as he looked up, his question no longer feeling important as he watched Makoto rapidly wipe at his eyes. He couldn't miss the tears starting to slide down Makoto's face.
"S-sorry…!" Makoto wipes became aggressive with the realization that he had been caught. "Haru, I'm sorry."
"Makoto what's wrong?" Haru pushed his books aside and crawled closer, kneeling beside him with uneasiness. He had known something was wrong, but hadn't realized it was to this caliber. Why? Why was Makoto crying? If there was anything he couldn't take, it was this. Nothing could be a greater sin. Makoto was always meant to be smiling and happy and bright. Nobody was allowed to make Makoto cry.
"I didn't want to do this to you…" Makoto was sniffing now, and he lost all effort in wiping his face. Instead he clutched his knees, hands trembling. Haru stared at them and struggled to swallow. "It's not your problem… but Haru, I don't know what to do!"
At the sound of anguish in Makoto's voice, Haru reached out and clutched the others forearm with a sudden need to touch. He held it tightly, hoping that some kind of warmth would spread to Makoto and give him comfort, let him know that he didn't need to worry, that Haru was right there with him…
"What happened?" He hoped that his voice sounded strong despite how his insides were trembling.
"I hurt Hiromi-chan." Makoto's voice shook as he used his palm to wipe at one of his eyes. "I hurt her really bad!"
"What do you mean, hurt her?" Haru placed his other hand on Makoto's wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze. When Makoto didn't reply, Haru spoke again, much more softly. "It'll be okay, Makoto. I'm here for you. Go on." He hooked his fingers through Makoto's. "I'm listening."
Makoto sniffed and shifted, fingers tightly curling around Haru's immediately.
"Haru, I'm so horrible…" Makoto whispered. "I've been so unfair. Hiromi-chan… Hiromi-chan said she loved me."
"She… did?"
"But I messed up!" Makoto's lip trembled. "I couldn't say it back. She looked at me, waiting, and I couldn't say it! I feel awful! And now she won't even reply to me." Fresh tears started making their way down Makoto's cheeks as he fidgeted with something on the other side of him. Haru recognized it as Makoto's phone. Had he been texting her all this time? He had noticed Makoto on his phone once or twice, but hadn't thought anything of it. "I don't know what to do, Haru… I don't know how to make this better…!" A choked sob escaped between Makoto's lips and it made his body go cold.
"Makoto…" In a swift motion Haru was releasing Makoto's hands and straddling his lap, sliding his palms along wet cheeks. Makoto looked so lost, so sad… He would have done anything in that moment to make such a precious face become happy again. With a careful touch he weaved his fingers into Makoto's hair and pulled him close, burying his best friend's face into his chest. "It'll be okay." Hot arms wrapped around Haru's waist, tightly holding on.
Pressed against him like this, Haru could feel Makoto shaking. His body, usually so naturally strong and stable, felt as if it was going to crumble into a million pieces.
"I wanted to say it," Makoto continued, voice muffled against him. "It's just three simple words! But I couldn't- couldn't do it!" Why couldn't you? Haru wanted to know, wanted to ask. He had always assumed that they had already gotten passed this stage. Makoto was always loving things- cats, swimming, chocolate- so why was it this hard for him? Were he and Hiromi not as close as he thought?
"I didn't think this could hurt so much...!"Haru pet back the fluff of Makoto's hair with a shushing noise. I love you Makoto. I love you, please stop crying.
"I'm sure," Haru swallowed, hating what he was saying, hating the way it tore him up inside. But he wanted to make Makoto feel better. He had to. "You and Hiromi will work things out. You care about her, don't you?"
"Yeah." Makoto's fingertips dug into his back, his voice shaking. "I-I do."
"Then make sure she knows that." Haru could feel himself dying, piece by piece. He hoped Rin could understand now.
"I'm so sorry, Haru…" Makoto whispered again, his voice sounding broken. Haru didn't understand what he was apologizing for.
"Makot-" the both of them jumped as Makoto's phone suddenly vibrated on the carpet next to them, completely breaking Haru's train of thought. Makoto pulled away slightly, eyes red and wet, as he reached for it. Haru leaned his forehead against Makoto's as Hiromi stared back up at them.
We need to talk, face-to-face.
Makoto exhaled with closed eyes, leaning against Haru for support.
"I should go." To his obvious words, Haru said nothing, didn't even move. He wished Makoto wouldn't go, wouldn't leave him. But he knew Makoto would. And Haru had no reason to stop him. He wished he did. "Thank you, Haru." Makoto reached up, pushed some of Haru's hair back, and kissed him on the edge of his forehead. "I appreciate you so much."
Haru held back his own sob now as Makoto grabbed him by the hips, sliding him off his lap onto the floor. Makoto wiped his eyes twice more. Haru curled his knees in. He hugged them close.
"I'm sorry we couldn't study." Makoto grabbed his bag, stuffing things inside. "But I'll leave my notes for you, okay?" Haru simply nodded.
The last thing Makoto grabbed was his phone, reading the message one more time before going to his shoes.
"I'll call you." And Makoto was gone, papers still scattered on the floor. He hadn't even grabbed his curry.
Haru hid his face in the couch.