Kurt had a crick in his neck when he woke up and longed to rise and stretch his limbs, but Blaine was still sleeping peacefully, his face buried in Kurt's belly, an arm wrapped around his thigh. So Kurt stayed, because he didn't want Blaine to wake up alone, even if Blaine possibly didn't want him here. More than anything, he wanted Blaine to know that he was there, in a way that he hadn't been, hadn't been able to be the last few weeks. He wanted to show Blaine that he would never let him be so far from his thoughts again.
"Sir." Blaine stirred and opened his eyes. He looked adorable with his sleep-tousled hair, and Kurt's heart clenched with how much he loved him. This couldn't be the end. It couldn't.
"I would have come back to your place in -" he looked at his phone to check the time - "about an hour, you know."
"Really?" Kurt couldn't help smiling at Blaine's nonchalance. Even though it might be fake, it helped.
"Sure." Blaine sat up and looked at him. "What, you didn't think I'd leave you over something like this, did you?"
"I wasn't sure." He hated how unsure of himself he sounded. How were they ever going to get past this? How could Blaine ever accept him as his Dom again when he had seen him like this? But then again, Blaine had seen already seen him like this – and probably worse. Sometimes Kurt envied Elliot, who to his knowledge never let anyone, least of all a sub, look past his Dom facade. He never had to worry about not being enough.
"I had...cobwebs in my head, yesterday." He gestured helplessly, trying to make himself understood. "The last few weeks, really, but especially yesterday. Nothing did really register with me, and I wasn't even aware of what I said until it was too late, and then you were gone...I just didn't know. But I think I maybe needed that. To be so scared of losing you...it kind of cleared the cobwebs away." He laughed a little. "The metaphor sucks, but you know what I mean."
Blaine nodded. "You didn't have to be scared, though. I was mainly...annoyed, I think. I had a bad day yesterday myself, and I just couldn't handle you having a bad day as well on top of everything else. I shouldn't have just left, though. I'm sorry."
"You had every right to need time for yourself. If I could have gotten away from me yesterday, I would have, too." He hesitated. He desperately wanted to believe Blaine, who made everything look so much less bad than Kurt had thought, but he couldn't forget the traces of tears he had seen on Blaine's cheeks. "You...you cried."
Blaine nodded. "I did. Because I was angry, with you and with myself, and because I had told myself I could do this and then broke down at the first challenge. And...because it took some time to convince myself that you didn't really mean it when you told me to leave."
Kurt reached out at the same moment Blaine moved toward him, and they lay down on the couch together, holding each other and occasionally trading lazy kisses. Kurt felt close to tears, but it were good tears; he was endlessly relieved and, for the first time in what felt like a very long time, really, genuinely happy.
He made a decision. It wasn't sudden; he had though about a lot of times, but it wasn't something they had ever talked about. But it was the right time, he felt it.
"Move in with me," he said.
Blaine lifted his head. "What?" he asked, sounding more amused and surprised than shocked.
"Move in with me. Or no, wrong choice of words. Let's move in together. Get a new place for both of us."
Now Blaine looked shocked.
"But you love your place!"
"I love you more. And I know it's not feasible for you to live at my place. You've worked yourself to the limit these past few weeks, with the long commute and the short nights. We'll get something that works for both of us."
Blaine didn't answer; he just looked pensive, and Kurt suddenly couldn't stand the silence, so he just kept talking. There were things he wanted to say anyway.
"I just...I never want you to think I mean it when I tell you to leave. I never want to tell you to leave again. And, let's be honest – you haven't really been living here anymore even if you disregard the last few weeks. And even though we're hardly ever at your place, I've spent hours looking for things at home until I remembered I left them here. It's annoying."
Blaine laughed. "It really is." Then he grew serious again and pressed a kiss to Kurt's neck before he continued talking. "I want to, Sir, I really do. I want nothing more. I just have some doubts as to how this would work."
"Because of what happened yesterday? Because I'll try, and Elliot told me to pull myself together and show some control, but -"
"What? No. Not because of yesterday. And I mean no disrespect towards Master Elliot, but I don't want that. I want you to be able to be vulnerable around me. I get that our dynamics demand a lot of control from you, but I want you to trust me enough to let go if you need to. No, I meant something else."
"What did you mean?" Kurt asked. He would think about Blaine's other words later; for now, he just wanted an answer.
"I mean...well. I'm not...I can't...I can't imagine being your sub 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I love being your sub. But there may be times when I don't..."
"I understand," Kurt said quickly. And he really did; theirs was not that kind of relationship. In the past, the shifts in their dynamic had always come naturally, but it was true that living together could challenge that. They'd have to find a kind of plan for that. That was, if he would ever be able to be a Dom again.
"I've not been a Dom to you these past few weeks," he said hesitantly. "I couldn't, and you saw that and respected it. I'm not sure if and when I can be a Dom to you again, but if we do find that dynamic again, then I hope I'll be able to tell when you can't or won't submit to me and why, and equally respect that."
They could even make up a signal or something, for both of them, but he'd rather leave that for if it was really necessary. He loved the way their dynamics shifted, how Blaine was so attuned to Kurt's Dominance, and Kurt to Blaine's submission.
"Why don't you think you can be a Dom again?" Blaine asked. He did sound a little frightened; they would lose something precious to them both if that should turn out to be true.
"I don't know if I can. I definitely want to. But you've seen me now in various stages of...being pathetic. I don't know if I can forget that enough to see myself the way I need to Dominate you, or if you can, for that matter."
"Well." Blaine snuggled even closer to Kurt, raising still-sleepy eyes up to him. "I'll take you in any shape or form. But, if that helps – you did Dominate me some even in the last few weeks. You did it naturally, without thinking and without noticing, but I did notice, and it helped me a lot. And that's why I think you'll be able to be my Dom again, in probably less time than you think – because you do it without thinking, like you can't help it. I know that now you worry a lot, but I think Domming comes naturally to you. And I don't think you were pathetic. Just vulnerable, and sometimes a little annoying."
Kurt swatted him for his teasing, and then noticed what he had done and laughed. He pulled Blaine close and smiled.
"I hope you're right. You know, it shouldn't be your job to constantly reassure me."
"I don't mind," Blaine said, smiling, but then he closed his eyes and sighed, and Kurt could see how tired he was, even after just waking up. It would take a lot more than sleep to refill the energy the last few weeks had drained him off, and instinctively, Kurt began planning how to achieve that.
As if on cue, Blaine said, softly and hesitantly, "Whenever you're ready, but I think I could really use a scene."
Kurt held him, and the mixture of tenderness, protectiveness and arousal he felt at the thought more than anything else told him he'd be alright.
It took a week in the end, which was better than it could be, but still longer than Kurt wished, because he could see how tired Blaine was, even now that Kurt was better and they had taken to mostly staying at Blaine's place so that he didn't have to rise so early every day. It helped a little, and the fact that Kurt did what he could to give Blaine little assurances of his Dominance did, too. But in the end, Blaine needed either a long vacation or a scene. A hard one, one that could really take him outside his head, and after that a weekend with no interruptions which he could, ideally, spend mostly in subspace.
He knew what he wanted to do. He knew a scene that would do just that, if it went right. But would it go right? Last time he had tried it, it had gone horribly wrong. They had emerged from it stronger than before, he thought, but if it went wrong again...there was no telling what would happen.
And yet, it could be so, so good. It could be exactly what Blaine needed, and also what he himself needed to be sure of himself as a Dom again.
He turned the thought over in his mind for days. Maybe going slow at first would be safer, but then again, a smaller, safer scene wouldn't achieve the same. It might be best to jump right in, but then again, so much could go wrong...
He went to Elliot again to let himself be reassured and to deny any need to be punished. Elliot set him to practice on a dummy for half an hour and then deemed him ready for at least the technical part of the scene.
"Though you might work on your fitness," he said when he saw that Kurt was sweaty and panting.
…...
Blaine felt the change in the atmosphere from the moment he set foot into Kurt's living room after work on Friday. It was intangible, and he was confused at first when nothing at all happened during dinner. Kurt didn't say much, and neither did he, tired as usual after work and oddly aware of something he couldn't put his finger on.
He was...restless, somehow. He told himself he didn't need to submit, he had gone much longer without before, but it was as if his body had grown used to it and was now reluctant to give it up.
He tried to ignore it, as he didn't want to push Kurt into something he wasn't ready for, but he missed it.
But today...something was different. His body tingled as if in anticipation all the time he did the dishes and cleared up after dinner while Kurt was occupied with something in another room.
Then Kurt came back, and Blaine's breath hitched. Kurt was dressed in skintight leather pants and that shirt he loved so much, the one with the zipper that teased accessibility and yet made Kurt look so that he wouldn't dare to touch him without permission.
His knees buckled when Kurt spoke.
"Strip, and wait for me in the playroom."