- The Taste of Disparity -

By Sayuri

What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose.

~ Henry Ward Beecher

Part II

Ichigo has never really worried about his future. Well, he does contemplate the usual from time to time: graduating high school, getting into college and then possibly taking over the clinic. He has never seriously thought about his role as a Shinigami Representative until now. Ichigo realizes that he's gotten too comfortable living a double life; one alive, the other with the dead. Perhaps he's taken it for granted that he would live like this until his death. Then he would continue his duty as an official Shinigami, beside his friends and Rukia; just a smooth continuation of what he has now.

But that is no longer a possible dream.

The need for a decision is something that pulls at his heart, something that is tearing him apart because he doesn't know which life to live, and which to give up. Because deep down the line has been blurred, and he is selfishly clinging to both.

…

She is the one who can always tell when something is wrong with him.

It is almost like intuition, something that takes no effort to realize. But when Rukia comes back to the Kurosaki's place with a heavy feeling, she isn't prepared for the sight she is met with in his room. She watches his lifeless form and wonders if Ichigo is away to take out a hollow. But there is the definite feel of his reiatsu and the sound of the bed covers rustling, and she knows that he is there with her. She takes a step forward.

"What am I supposed to do?" He murmurs, unaware that he's spoken aloud until he hears a response.

"About what?"

Ichigo nearly jumps out of his skin. He bolts up into a sitting position and meets her gaze with as much calm as he can muster. Her large, demanding eyes startle him. Her question is so sincere that he doesn't know how to respond. Instead, he averts his eyes and whispers, "Why are you here?"

"I been living here for weeks now," Rukia states, clearly taken aback. "Or did you forget that we see each other everyday?"

When Ichigo turns back, he can see worry and frustration mixed in her expression, in the way only she can manage. And so he asks again, "Why are you here?"

She senses something different, that with the question he asked, was another one hidden for her to answer. Rukia slowly sits down next to him, staring right at him, not allowing him to look away.

"Because I want to be," she whispers. For the time being, that is more than enough.

….

It's too soon when he thinks she starts noticing something odd. That unpleasant feeling in the pit of your stomach when you've been caught with a lie.

He feels it now as he throws Zangetsu down and stumbles over, trying to catch his breath.

"Where did you get that?"

Ichigo hardly hears question. When she nudges him, repeating it as a demand to tell her, Ichigo looks up from his sitting position and blinks stars from his eyes. When he tries to reply, he tastes the metallic taste of blood.

He feels her eyes on his body, trying to figure out the situation. He looks down at the wound she referred to and shakes his sleeve over it. "It was a hollow."

"A hollow? One hollow?" She questions, clearly not believing him. "Were you fighting it with blindfolds on and both hands tied to your feet?"

"Shut up," he says with a scowl. The wound is nothing too serious, but it stings like hell and is now bleeding through his shirt.

"Why do you always, always, always try to deal with things by yourself?" Rukia demands with such intensity that it nearly stops Ichigo's breath. She snatches his hand and pushes the sleeve up his arm, no gentleness in her actions. He winces when she brushes some of the dirt from the edge of the slash.

He watches her closely as she examines his wound.

"What?"

He nearly heaves out a sigh. "Nothing." She doesn't know.

Rukia doesn't know whether she should hit him, or comfort him. The longer she examines his face, his flustered figure, she becomes less sure. For now, she'll just do the expected. With a much more kinder tone, she says, "My healing abilities are nothing compared to Inoue's, but I can take care of this for now."

He starts to protest but lets her lead him all the way home and to the kitchen table. Ichigo remains silent through most of the procedure, and watches her every action. She touches him with all the care in the world, and he starts to heal.

There is no way Ichigo can tell her anything.

And as they sit together in thick silence there is another shift forming between them, but this time one that is slowing driving them apart. Rukia feels a sort of anger towards him, fully aware that he is keeping something deeply and privately to himself. There is nothing he says when she leaves after dinner, not even a glance. Before being able to say anything that could start a fight, she is running, shunpo-ing away until she realizes she is back in Seireitei and in the halls just beyond her division. Rukia sighs before starting the long walk to her room.

"Hey, you look sorta down," a voice interjects. Renji startles her from behind and Rukia finds herself feeling calmer at the sight of her old friend. It's been a while since she's seen him and his chipper self acts as a balance against her unease. She offers him a small smile, but one she realizes is the same as the one Ichigo has been giving her the past few weeks.

"It's just Ichigo," she mutters half angrily, unable to help herself. "Something is clearly wrong but he's just acting like a stubborn child!"

Renji keeps his stoic face and looks towards the courtyard. Anyone with a clear mind who met the boy could tell something was off. But as he looks at Rukia, he can see that it is affecting her more than it should.

"Ya know, it's probably something he can figure out on his own. Ichigo is too dense to realize his acting skills aren't quite the best. He just needs space." He notices her look. There is a pause where he falters for a moment, trying to find the right words to say to lift the mood. "You love the guy Rukia, it's something anyone could tell you. That's probably why it's irritating you so much. It would probably do you good to be distracted here for a while." It comes pouring out and he immediately gulps. That was not it.

Love…hearing the word makes her throat swell up and her whole body freeze.

"What did you say?" She demands.

He quickly catches her eye and becomes pale. "Damn. Sorry, I -"

She just stares at him, and then at nothing at all. As the world blurs her, Rukia balls her hands into fists and doesn't know what to do or say back. But she isn't angry about what Renji has said. Instead, hearing it out loud has made something click into place. It is a realization that strikes her so hard and instantly because, once she thinks about it, it is an obvious fact.

She loves him.

Cracks appear in her armor. She is already breaking apart.

"It's fine. Sorry for making you worry, but it's nothing like that." It's a lie, blatantly a lie. "Thanks, Renji."

He pauses, looking distraught. He raises his hands but doesn't dare to touch her. "Okay, but…damn it." He turns away from her looking ashamed. "I made you cry."

Rukia dons a startled look. A touch to her cheeks reveal that they are damp.

"You made me…" Her voice trails off, and she leaves it at that.

….

Rukia has once fallen apart and pulled herself back together again. She may stumble once in a while, but she continues to stand strong, scars and all. That is what Ichigo most admires about her, and the part of her he hopes to mirror back, now more than ever. He needs to be strong, to not show any cracks.

Ichigo is sitting outside his window, propping his back against the closed glass and letting his legs hang over the roof ledge. His eyes are directed up at the stars, heart drumming like a heavy beat. For some reason, there aren't many thoughts floating around when he figures there should be hundreds giving him a migraine. But all he can focus on at the moment are the pinprick lights illuminating the night. The liquid black reminds him of Rukia again, and he sighs, bringing his head down in a helpless grin.

Though she may think otherwise, in Ichigo's eyes, Rukia is one of the strongest people he's ever met. It's almost a too easy decision at this point, he realizes. She may be strong, but that doesn't mean he should deliberately make her endure pain.

Ichigo suddenly hears the front door opening and slamming shut. He hears how her presence is bringing everyone downstairs together, and turns back to go inside. There is a silent truce they realize, the moment she enters and faces him. He almost stupidly grins at the break in tension before remembering what he is about to do. "I need to tell you something," he mutters quickly as though he is preventing himself from changing his mind. Rukia stills, keeping her mouth shut until she can hear him out. She watches him expectantly.

As though his and Unohana's roles have been suddenly reversed, it is he who has to break the hard news. After mulling and panicking, and speaking to everyone he knew to try and reverse the outcome, he has been able to come to terms with the inevitable outcome. It is still a fresh ache, but Rukia, he reminds himself, still knows nothing at all. He has kept it to himself as long as he could. So he braces himself, takes a seat, and starts telling her everything as calmly as he can. Ichigo's words are a jumble, thoughts bouncing back and forth. He watches her face betray emotions, but doesn't let them stop himself from finishing. There its a pause, just like he'd given Unohana in her office and then, the dreadful wait.

Rukia looks at him with a sharp glare, and gives a slap across the face he wasn't expecting.

"What the hell!" He shouts at her, stunned.

"You idiot! Why the hell would you keep all of that from us! From not just me and your family, but all of us! There is another way Ichigo, there must be some mistake in -"

"Weren't you listening?" he says quietly, cutting her off abruptly. "There isn't another way Rukia. This is the end. Even Urahara couldn't find a loophole."

Having to reassure, Ichigo suddenly feels a strange sense of strength he hadn't had before. But Rukia feels herself tilting, a swaying she doesn't quite understand how to stop. Too much is trying to process inside her mind, too many responses and reactions until she is forced to speak out before she can shed any tears.

"So you've accepted this?"

"...Yes."

Solemnly, she averts her eyes and whispers the words she would forever regret. "Then it's clear what your choice should be."

"Is it?"

When she chances a look, Ichigo seems to be fuming with anger. Though she feels she should back away from the matter, there is a waging war between them already brewing. "Of course it is. Don't be a fool Ichigo. After everything, you deserve a full life as a human."

"I won't retain any of my powers." You know what that means Rukia. "I won't be able to see you anymore, Rukia let alone help you guys if another incident like Aizen –"

"Our survival shouldn't be in your hands, Ichigo. The Gotei 13 has always been enough and it will continue to be after you. Focus on yourself for once!" The words sound harsher than she expected. There is little truth in them, but the lump growing in her chest makes them come out cruel. Even in her mind this piece of news comes out too abruptly and out of seemingly no where. It can't be true. An icy silence follows, long enough for a kinder memory to bubble up. She thinks of a moment not too long ago that they had shared. Up upon the hill, celebrating a new year, being close enough to touch.

I won't be able to see you anymore Rukia

She turns, unable to be near him at that moment. Rukia feels as though once she leaves his room, that she will probably never go back. But she does so, exiting the place where everything had started years before. She leaves so quickly that she cannot hear him crying out after her, begging her to stay.

...

Rukia can see her captain give her worried glances whenever she has to report to him. She sees her brother avert his gaze when she passes by, Renji standing nearby giving her an encouraging, but weak smile.

Just when she thinks that she can't bear it, a week later, Ichigo comes to see her again against orders.

She invites him into an unoccupied office in the 13th division. They skip the formalities and just stand a few feet from each other, waiting for the other to say something. The rain is pouring outside and it is beating heavily against the stone structure surrounding them.

A tight silence nooses them.

"Fine."

She's surprised by his reply, if not a bit irritated by its ambiguity. "'Fine', what?"

"I understand what you're saying." And it looks as if he truly does. But his tone it proves that he is only saying it for her sake.

No, she thinks. I didn't mean what I said…

"I'll do what you want." There is no emotion that Ichigo betrays in his look. He stares at her as if she is nothing, a figment of his imagination that he is talking to. "I've already talked to Unohana about it, and I have 3 weeks left before I should receive the proper treatments for a full extraction of my shinigami powers."

I have 3 weeks left.

There is such a finality about it that they know there is no going back. Anger swells up in her chest. Her damn pride and his damn stubbornness doesn't allow either one to back down first.

And the one time she wants him to defy her, he listens. But how could she ask him to remain how he was and risk turning into the enemy she would have to cut down? That was preposterous, she knew.

"I'm going to be a normal human and stay in the human world until I die. But I don't want this to be the last time we see each other. I'm not leaving you like this." He sounds broken and it kills her.

Everything in front of her has lost focus. Rukia hears his words in broken parts and by the time she's replied to his departing words, she realizes that he is long gone. As if in a shell, she doesn't feel anything - not the cold wind, the pain overtaking her chest, or the tears trailing down her face.

The rain continues to pour, soaking up another bad memory in the grey setting. Only this time, it doesn't seem like there will ever be a sunny day again.

….

From then on, his plan is put into action.

Ichigo starts by bringing her to the hill where they'd shared their first kiss, eating out at restaurants and ordering their favorite foods, spending time in class after school. He grows bold with the chase of time and holds her to him, the first time hesitantly, and then once more with resolve, whispering what he can but always falling short. Ichigo tries to show her what they will be missing if their bond is to be thus cut. And through the days, Rukia suffered. As she and Ichigo spends time together, she watches every event from a distance, not being able to enjoy any of it. There is no way she can see his purpose, because everything is 'the last time'. That is what she believes is for the best.

When he looks at her, she feels as though she will break. Every night she yells at herself, endures it all, because despite the pain she wants these memories to keep forever. She endures because she too is selfish. She wants the most she can get, even when Ichigo will be soon forgetting. And that is something she knows she will never be able to forgive herself for.

The night before the end, they are sitting on top of the roof, looking up at the inky night sky. No words pass for a stretch of time. Throughout the month, nearly everyone had come to say a form of farewell to Ichigo. Some had been more tearful than others, some even the neat closure Rukia wished she could provide. But now knowing that no one else is left, Rukia feels that this moment is it.

"Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"..."Her initial question looses form. Anything personal feels like too much.

"What do you think you'll do, after you're no longer a Shinigami?"

Ichigo looks at her with a surprised look so nostalgically carefree to his old self that she can't help but let out a small laugh.

"Well...I guess we'll see. I always thought I would take over the ol' man's clinic. Maybe I'll focus more on school. Go to college, who knows."

His wording catches her. "Would you like me to watch and see?" She holds her breath.

"No." He finally whispers. "You should focus on your future too Rukia."

His answer, as genuine as it sounds, leaves her feeling strange. It is a looming pain in her chest that is impossible to ignore. She waits for her body to relax, but it doesn't. However, she just smiles for now and nods. Rukia allows her head to fall against his sturdy shoulder. She leaves that night feeling emptier than she's ever felt.

…

It is towards the end of fall that he goes to Soul Society for the last time to have his memory erased. To his heartache, she doesn't change her decision. She holds onto him tightly as though that were enough to keep him grounded and with her. They stand like that, together until the end, until there is no more time left. Until in a passing of a breeze, he is gone and she is alone, holding only herself. "Goodbye," she whispers towards his disappearing reiatsu.

"Thank you for everything."

To be concluded...