Warning for mentions of rape.
Blaine didn't even know why he said that. He had been looking forward to the scene, and still he didn't know why he was throwing away a chance of finally being allowed to come after days of torture.
"Okay," Kurt said. "Care to tell me why?"
And okay, he kind of did know. In some corner of his mind he knew he was testing Kurt, to see if he really would keep the promise he made that Blaine wouldn't have to submit if he didn't want to.
"I...just don't feel like it." was what he said instead. Sir. He should at least add a Sir, but he didn't.
"Okay," Kurt repeated, face expressionless. He sat for a moment, then stood up and started aimlessly wandering the apartment.
Blaine sat, already racked with guilt. Kurt would knew he was - well, not lying, but - well, essentially it was a lie, wasn't it? Saying he didn't want the scene when in fact he wanted the scene? He could remember himself just this morning, so eager, so pliant, so submissive, masturbating at Kurt's behest. He knew it would have been no effort to get into that mindset again.
"There is no place to be alone here," Kurt said, as if only realizing that right now. He came back to Blaine and kissed him on the forehead.
"I'm sorry. I'm going for a walk."
Blaine watched in silence as Kurt put on his boots and coat, pocketed his keys and left. So of course he had noticed something was wrong. He wouldn't be upset, wouldn't have left because Blaine didn't want a scene.
Blaine buried his face in his hands. Not wanting a scene would be no problem at all, he knew that, if he had been really not in the mood for it. But Kurt had always been able to see when he wasn't telling the truth, even when he was withholding part of the truth.
Blaine went to the door and slid to his knees beside it, awaiting Kurt's return and his punishment.
It didn't even take long until Kurt came back. Blaine knelt in silence, watching Kurt take off his coat with mechanical movements, looking at everything but him.
"I - um, I only managed to get myself angry," he finally said. "I'm trying to avoid that."
Finally, he looked at Blaine and made an impatient gesture. "Get up. You don't get to act so submissive now -"
He interrupted himself with a sound that sounded like - it couldn't be a sob, could it?
Blaine stood up, only to kneel down again at Kurt's feet, starting to rub his legs in what he hoped was a comforting touch.
"Why are you so upset?" he asked quietly, although he had at least an idea. "I only turned down a scene." Although he hadn't. Not 'only'.
"Did you?" Kurt asked. "Because I think there's more to it than that. You were all for it this morning, you begged me -"
"I can't change my mind?"
Kurt rose, frustrated. "Of course you can change your mind! You -" He dragged his hands through his hair in a visible effort to calm himself. "Why are you doing this? You know what this is about. What I want to know. Why did you really turn down the scene? And don't try to tell me again you didn't feel like it. Because that's bullshit."
Blaine sat, leaned against the couch and closed his eyes. He felt defeated. His hope to get Kurt angry so they could get to the punishment and over with all of this was obviously not happening. Apparently Kurt saw all the implications Blaine had been agonizing over, and probably a few he hadn't.
Blaine rubbed his eyes. "I guess I was...testing out if you would...really be okay with me not...submitting to you. Like you said. If I didn't want to."
"I had a feeling it would be something like that. So you said you didn't want to when really you wanted to. To be sure it'd be okay not to want to."
"To be safe," Blaine whispered, and could have bitten off his tongue the next moment.
Because what Kurt said was, "Safe? You mean to be sure I'd not rape you?"
Blaine opened his eyes and sat up, stunned. "What? No! I'd never -"
Kurt's hand slashed a line in the air between them, cutting off his words.
"If I forced you to have a scene with me although you told me you didn't want to, that'd be rape, Blaine."
Blaine could feel the blood drain from his face. "I swear, I never thought you'd ever do that!"
"Not consciously, perhaps." Kurt sat down on the couch. Now he was the one looking defeated. Blaine could see the tears in his eyes, and more than anything he wanted to fix this, but he didn't know how.
"I just thought...I thought you trusted me more by now."
"I do," Blaine protested. "I do trust you."
Kurt shook his head. "You don't. It's not your fault, but -" Again that sound. This time Blaine was sure it was a sob.
"Please," he said helplessly. "I'm sorry. Just, please."
…...
Kurt felt like crying. Was he overreacting? The whole time he and Blaine had been together, he had been working to get Blaine to trust him, and he had thought he had succeeded. But now here they were, living together, facing what Kurt felt was a major drawback in their relationship.
It wasn't that he minded not having a scene (though he had been looking forward to it, but so had Blaine, he was sure, and the issues they were talking about were bigger than one missed scene).
Blaine's voice interrupted his thoughts.
"This is the first time I ever wanted to tie you up," he said.
Kurt nearly smiled at the comment. "Why's that?" he asked.
"Because you look like you want to leave. Me, I mean. Not just to go for a walk, but for real. And I really don't want you to do it."
Kurt sighed. He loved Blaine so much. He wanted nothing more than to just say, forget it, it's nothing, we'll try again next weekend. But he couldn't. He was hurt and confused, but he also thought they needed to address this. For if they didn't, it would come back another time and tear them apart.
"I don't want to," he said. "I just...don't know how we can get past this."
"You can punish me," Blaine suggested. "Anything you want."
Kurt shook his head. "I don't think this is something that can be solved by a spanking." He smiled wryly. "I don't even know if I could find valid reasons to punish you. I remember telling you once already: I will never punish you for doubting me."
"I kind of lied to you," Blaine offered. He hesitated. "It's not really about the scenes. It's - we're so busy most of the time that you can assume I get very...excited every time you mention having a scene."
Kurt did smile at that, and he reached a hand towards Blaine, who quickly took it and squeezed it once so hard it hurt.
"And it was never - and you really have to believe me - I never thought you'd rape me. Never. But...I guess it was about me not trusting you enough. I know I said I would simply tell you when I didn't want to submit, but I guess it wasn't actually that simple after all? In my head, it all wrapped up, and instead of waiting until I really didn't want to, I don't know, call you 'sir' or serve you or whatever -"
Blaine's cell phone rang, and he quickly rejected the call without even looking at the caller ID.
"You said no to something you actually wanted, at a time when you wanted it," Kurt said, quietly, sort of relieved. He wouldn't go so far as to claim he understood why Blaine had done what he had done, but then Blaine himself probably didn't either, and Kurt clearly remembered times when he didn't understand anything about himself.
Speaking of -
"I haven't been fair to you," he said, realizing. "A few months ago, I wasn't able to Dominate you, and you accepted that without question. And I promised you I would accept a situation in which you weren't able to submit, but still, here we are."
Blaine surprised him by climbing onto Kurt's lap and wrapping his arms around him.
"I knew the moment I told you I didn't want the scene you wouldn't just accept that. You have always been able to really see me, from the very beginning, and a part of me knew that you'd see that it wasn't that I didn't want to submit, but that there was more behind it. And I'm glad you did. I'm glad we talked about it, even though we still haven't really solved anything and I'm still a little scared that you'll leave."
Kurt pulled him closer. It was true, they hadn't really solved anything, but now he trusted they would get over this, and he was ready to let it go for now.
"You have me pinned down pretty effectively," he pointed out, wriggling his legs a little. "I can't leave with you on my lap."
"Then I'll just have to stay here a long, long time," Blaine said, and Kurt was very much okay with that idea, especially as Blaine started to snuggle into him and then kissed him. It felt amazing, and Kurt was finally able to relax.
Then Blaine's cell phone rang again.
"It's my brother," he said looking at it. "I should -"
"Take it," Kurt said. "I promise I'll stay here even if you're not sitting on me anymore."
Kurt used the time Blaine was on the phone to text Elliot, arranging a meeting the following day. He needed someone to talk to, and maybe, he thought reluctantly, maybe he needed a few strokes with the crop to help him get over himself. "You don't trust me," really? He must have sounded like a bad Lifetime movie.
Blaine was finishing his phone call, and when he came back, he stood before Kurt, his face pale, his hands fiddling nervously with his cell phone.
"There, um. There was an accident. My mom's in the hospital."