Will Of Fire: Children of Konoha
Chapter 3: The Actual Torture
"Life is too fucking hard, so I'm going to kill some people"-Uchiha Sasuke
Temari, sister of the Kazekage and wife of the Hokage's advisor, was doing the most difficult thing known to man. It was a dangerous task, not for the fainthearted—ironing.
Piles upon piles of freshly laundered clothes (or five weeks old. Who's counting really?) lay around her, protecting her from all sides. The house echoed with the snores of 3 very very lazy Naras as the great and amazing Temari-sama folded yet another hakama and dumped onto a pile of underwear.
She heard a crash near the staircase roughly 9 feet away from where she stood. Then footsteps that drawled in a very Nara-ish way. A thump and a clink of Kusa (china in our world, Kusa in theirs. Not that surprising because there isn't a china in the shinobi continent as far as The Author is aware) followed.
Three, two, one. Temari thought as the yelling that was predestined to happen reached her ears.
"That's my cereal you manwhore!"
"Troublesome brat, this isn't even your house."
"Shut up you lazy-arses and pass me the milk."Shikari drawled exasperatedly.
"Get up and get it yourself troublesome woman."
"Don't talk to Onee-sama-senpai-san-chan-sensei-kun like that you fatherless fatherwhore!"
"Stop ending your sentences with whore Kei."Shikari grunted.
"Fatherwhore?"Shikamaru questioned the sanity of Suna-nin. Until he remembered Lee.
"Yes dad, he called you a fatherwhore. Now pass me the damn milk."
"Here you go onee-sama!"Kei gave her the milk after wrestling it from their father's hands.
"Thanks Kei."Shikari said resignedly.
"Good luck for your Genin test today." Shikamaru said
"Troublesome." Shikari ended.
After around ten minutes of blissful not-thinking, Temari finished ironing the last of the hakamas. Now to start on the bloody obi(s).
"Temari, where're my clothes? I've got a one-night stand I need to get to."
"MOTHERWHORE!"
"He's our dad, she's our mom. We happened because they fucked each other. Get that through your thick skull."
"Onee-sama!"
Temari did not speak. She blatantly ignored Shikamaru and continued ironing that damn twenty yard long obi.
"Temari?"
She pressed on this particularly creasy spot with vigor only displayed during annihilation of Zetsu clones.
"Temari? Why are you pissed off before 10 am?" Shikamaru asked resignedly. He prepared himself mentally (and discretely guarded his genitals from her wrath) for The Fan.
It never came.
"Why would I be pissed off at you darling?" Shikamaru gaped. She said the 'D' word.
"Shit dad, what did you do?"
Shikamaru was about to find out.
The paperwork. A freshly sharpened pencil. A pencil sharpener. A check list.
These were the ingredients chosen to create the least amount of stress for the Hokage!
But, Professor Uzumaki added an extra ingredient to the concoction:
A bowl of Ramen.
And thus, the paperwork was gone at the speed of light, allowing the Rokudaime Hokage to dedicate his day to spying on little kids – I mean Genin—as they are tortured!—I mean tested—by their Jounin-sensei.
Naruto and Konohamaru peered into the orb of mystical magic as it showed them a picture of the 9th training ground, with a redheaded spitfire, a calm but tense black-haired prodigy and an Inuzuka who doesn't require a pretty descriptive nickname.
This was going to be fun. Shikamaru cursed from the adjacent room. Screw Temari and her PMS-ing!
Team 9 waited at The Bridge, where the Nakano river flowed like the tears Akihiko swore he would make them cry.
"Hey guys!" Team 9 jumped violently as their sensei snuck up behind them. Only Minato drew a kunai at the threat. Interesting. So only he fought with weapons. The other two had their arms in a standard guard position.
Kushina, upon identifying the enemy, sighed in relief and kneed him in the gut. Akihiko was not pleased.
"I'm not…the enemy." Ouch it hurt.
"You are male. All men are the enemy."
"It is true Aki-sensei. You shouldn't've surprised a woman. They are scary when they're mad." Kokoro winced as he remembered his pregnant mama training Jiikomaru and nearly killing him. The poor puppy whimpered.
"Point taken. Now to get on with the survival training. You see that flagpole over there?"
The three Genin and puppy turned 180 degrees clockwise and spotted an incongruous flagpole in the centre of a very flat and trimmed-grassy clearing. A gentle wind blew by to add to the disappointed atmosphere. Couldn't it have been a bit more dramatic?
"Your mission is to grab that flagpole and bring it back to this point within the hour. You are not allowed to use fire jutsus, if you know any, and you can't use the substitution jutsu. If you even think about using the Hiraishin, you die a verbal death Minato."
Akihiko-sama-er-sensei poofed away, leaving the four deadpanned Genin to figure out how much time they should kill before grabbing the flagpole, which would take 5 minutes if they walked slowly.
"Well, I'll go grab the flagpole and then we can ditch this place so that I can get some training in, 'kay dattebayo?!" Kushina said-yelled.
"I don't think it's going to be that easy—" began Minato, but as usual, Kushina completely and utterly ignored him.
Kokoro grunted annoyedly. He could be doing so much better with his time! Like eating dango or farting in Hoshino-imouto's face!
But it was not to be that simple, for Aki-sensei had rigged the whole training ground with multi-layered trips that made grabbing the flagpole a daunting task. Kushina took one step near the flagpole, and several Katana came shooting out of the bushes directly at her. If it weren't for Minato and her fast reflexes, she would have died. Like a porcupine. OH MY GOD, I OWE MINATO MY LIFE! HOW COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE!?
"Well, that plan was a bust."
"Shut up Inuzuka!"
"Both of you, I think I have a plan."
"I don't really care what you have to say, princess." Kokoro drawled.
"Oi, you got a problem with my brother you freak!?"
"Yeah, he's related to you!"
"At least my best friend isn't a puppy!"
"Right, cause you don't have any friends at all!"
The clearing was deadly silent.
"I think we should work together and get the flagpole, and I have a plan." Minato said, finally mustering up the courage to voice his own opinion.
"I'm not listening to anything you say dattebayo!"
"Yeah, cause no one wants to listen to a know-it-all!"
Minato twitched.
"And you know what you are? A Freaking Inuzuka PUPPY!"
"I'm never going to work with you two! You guys are both loonies!"
"Yeah, cause the only thing I see in this clearing is an infestation of boys! We need to exterminate the lot of you hairy bastards!"
"Yeah, well you can just shove your annoying bitchiness down your—"
A dull thunk was heard as two heads were slammed against each other by a pissed off raven head.
Minato twitched.
"I have a plan, and you will listen to me."
Thankfully, neither one of them could answer. Minato took that as an affirmative.
Meanwhile, in another clearing of Konoha, Team 10 was being bored to death as they waited. And waited. And waited.
Inori sighed very theatrically and pointedly glared at the patch of harmless overgrown grass in front of him. He had spent the past half hour intermittently gritting his teeth in annoyance, braiding his long wheat-coloured hair and sighing. Shikari was just about sick of it. Due to the troublesomeness of the sighs, she couldn't get comfortable.
She wanted to catch a little bit of 'the bliss' that is sleep before 12 o'clock, but alas, the Yamanaka-baka kept on bloody sighing and that round useless mass of flesh was crunching on this gigantic bag of chips for the past half hour and it was bloody killing her, and why was she still here? She could always go home.
Ah, but the problem with that she thought lazily, is that mom is mad at dad because they haven't had sex in five hours and 1 minute.
Yes, her parents got angry at each other if they didn't have sex at five hour intervals. Why? Because while normal, sane parents worked out household schedules after their non-marriage-marriages, her parents decided to calculate the amount of time they wouldn't be able to have sex if they lived in two different villages, and made a compromise. For the duration of either one of their stays at their home villages, the partner on home turf would have to provide adequate erotic stimuli.
Troublesome.
"WHERE IS THAT RETARDED CHAIN-SMOKER!"
And as if by magic, he poofed into existence.
"You had better have had a damn good reason for making us wait for half a holy hour just so that we could finish a—"
"Shut up Inori. Can we just get it over with?" It wasn't much of a question because they would get this over with. She hadn't been doing anything for the past half hour but sitting on the cool grass till her butt went numb, but he was her superior so she figured he deserved a bit of respect. For now.
"What, don't I get a 'hello how are you Asuma-sensei?'" He asked chirpily.
"Hello. How are you sensei."
"That is not very enthusiastic Choujiro. Anyway, you all have to give me an introduction to your basic skills. You know, Ninjutsu, Genjutsu and Taijutsu."
Inori fumed in rage and fury. THE HECK?! They spent 30 precious minutes of their life preparing for a Genin test, but instead they get another bloody intro. He was putting his foot down.
"No. I refuse to plagiarized with another damn introduction of damn skills that we don't even have just so that we can waste another half hour trying to sort out whether we were lying or not. I am not doing that. Can we get another sensei please."
The tanned brown-haired 23 year old Jounin faked a look of hurt and sadness.
"Don't you love me anymore?"
"Nope. Never did." The three Genin chorused in various nuances.
Asuma, son of Yuhi Kurenai, was not to be deterred. For his quest was of utmost importance. Nay, it was legendary! He would create…THE THIRD GENERATION OF INO-SHIKA-CHOU!
"Sensei, you do realize you said that out loud, right?" Shikari asked deadpanned.
"I knew that."
Even a green-horned Genin could detect the lie.
"Can we go now?"
"NO! We shall talk about our skill set and we shall find out whether you're worthy of being a shinobi, or my name isn't Sarutobi Asuma!"
"What is your name then sensei?" Choujiro asked innocently. Asuma deflated and started weeping inconsolably. Shikari looked on with disgust.
"That is our sensei?"
She was pissed. Was this some kind of joke?
"I graduated Ninja Academy to play kiddy games with an overgrown baby, an effeminate boy and a meat tanker?"
"TAKE THAT BACK BITCHIARI!"
"What'd you call me?" Shikari growled at Inori.
"I called you a bitch. You know, the thing they call people who don't know when to shut up!"
Shikari was a genius. Shikari was the first child and only daughter of the Hokage's advisor and the Suna ambassador. She was the Kazekage's neice. But she never claimed she was patient.
"At least I don't talk all the time you girl!"
"AT LEAST I HAVE A SENSE OF STYLE! YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR MOM DRESSED YOU UP!"
"YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE MOURNING A PARAKEET THAT KILLED YOUR DAMN MAMA!"
Inori was pissed off. Big time. No one bloody insults his family and gets away with it!
He flipped towards her and aimed a punch right into her smug face. Shikari, ever so thankful that she would be able to beat the crap out of him, flipped into the air and brought down her gigantic fan, aiming for his pretty little head.
He dodged, and then started straining his face. Is he constipated or what. Shikari thought worriedly. After all, who wants crap on their shoes?
She started moving away from him, which was a good idea in the long run, because suddenly he became a gigantic…GIANT.
"Oh boy, Inori used the body expansion jutsu!" Choujiro exclaimed from the ground.
Asuma simply stared at his two students in stunned silence, and hoped to kami-sama they didn't come near him. He snapped his attention at his last sane-ish student.
"Do you want a drink?"
'You're not supposed to offer minors a drink' is what Choujiro wanted to say, but then he heard a boom from his teammates direction and then he said "Old enough to kill, old enough to drink."
"Now that is what I wanted to hear!" Asuma beamed happily. He took out a magically appearing bottle of booze from his back. How it got there, we shall never know.
As they sipped on their alcohol, another boom resounded around the clearing.
Name: Akimichi Inori
Age: 12 years old
D.O.B: 11th September 103 A.R.S (After Rikudo-Sennin)
Favourite saying: Shut up!
Family: Akimichi Chouji (father), Yamanaka Ino(mother), Yamanaka Choujiro (twin brother),
Team: Yamanaka Choujiro, Nara Shikari, Sarutobi Asuma
Likes: Kushina-sama!, New Jutsus, his family.
Dislikes: Training with his dad, Bitchiari, overeating, oily foods.
Strengths: ninjutsu, strategy
Weaknesses: Genjutsu, blackmail
Favourite weapon: brain
Favourite attack: Mind transfer Jutsu
(A/N: Thank you for reading. Like I said, it is a sporadic story. Thank you to those who reviewed and please continue doing so. Idea given by Abdullahsaurus)