And good God, under starry skies we are lost,
And into the breach we got tossed,
And the water's coming in fast!
And oh, my love, remind me
What was it that I said?
I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed
And oh, my love, remind me
What was it that I did?
Did I drink too much?
Am I losing touch?
Did I build this ship to wreck?
Wreck
My usual content at the prospect of being at Jasper's side again is waylaid by the fear and anger roiling in my mind. How fucking stupid could I have been? Of course John never gave up his little pet project – I'm too valuable an asset to give up. More than that, this raises a lot of questions I'm not sure I want answered; did he just get here or, an even more sickening thought, has he been at this a while? Why try to kill Bella, even go so far as to mutilate her? The closer I get to my house the more I slow, until I'm merely shuffling along the outer edge of the forest near the road, head down, thinking. How the hell is the plan I bet on – tenuous plan, sure, but a plan none the less – going to work now that the man I consider our biggest threat is right on our fucking doorstep?
And…he's right, isn't he? He's always been right.
I suddenly doubt everything about the last year and half. I don't know how I got in this deep; I should have never gotten in this deep. Swan almost died. I have her blood on my hands still, dried and cracking into the cuticles on my nails and staining the pads of my fingers. Having this much to care about, having this much to lose, is too much.
I can't breathe. Even as I gasp down jagged mouthfuls of cool mountain air I feel stifled, suffocated.
I've been wrong – have I been wrong? Am I leading everyone down a path of utter destruction? This should be something I do alone because I have to do it alone. Jasper…whatever he's hiding it's proof he doesn't trust me enough to share everything like I'm forced to.
Would I have chosen this, had I known the risks? I'm coming off the high of not dying and crashing, hard. What would I have done if I'd been able to choose?
And if I feel like this now, what did I just do to Swan? Damn her to an eternity? I think so, an eternity of 'what if this isn't the right way.'
What am I even doing here?
Barely aware of the crackle of the gravel under my boots or the branches whipping my face, I make an abrupt turn from the path I was on, the path back home. Right now, I don't know if I can handle all that means. Everyone's lives are riding on me, dead or undead, and…
I have to prove he's wrong, even if it means putting myself at risk.
By the time I reach Seattle night is falling; the air is so cool it brings a hauntingly vivid memory of Jasper's fingertips raking my body, begging to know every inch of flesh…God damn, I know I want to be with him, but John has my mind spinning in circles. I haven't even seen him yet and he's got me shaken to the core – pathetic. But is that because I've forsaken everything he's taught me? The voice I once banished to the back of my mind, slick and cunning as the old bastard himself sneers yes from every corner.
Where are you?
Jasper's voice is demanding, frightened, and only serves to add to the frustration I'm drowning in. The very thought of trying to breach his thoughts almost makes me sick – I already feel like I've got the world's worst hangover, and considering my past, that's really saying something. It's not easy tuning out his direct link, and doing it all the way is impossible, but I make it damn close.
-isten to me! A-
Nope. I've got a score to settle with two bitches, so just no. Not that I know how I'm about to find them in a city this large before he finds me. If I don't have my hands wrapped around Maria's throat in the next half hour I'll be tearing Seattle apart.
Trouble can try to override me all he wants; the need to tear Red and that harlot apart is all that I am right now, all I need to be. My marks burn tracks on my skin – the fire lets me see the city more clearly, let's me smell that staple cheap perfume on the wind, adding in a bad way to Stucco and sun-bleached flowers. My lungs expand, steeped in those scents, and I turn south. A vague direction is better than nothing.
They're everywhere, entwined with the people of the city – especially in the thick of it, where people go to get away and get lost. How many newborns were born on these streets? How many will die here? Death's better than an existence of brutality. Trust me, I know.
Do you really think that?
God, no. I don't know. I just -
"AMORY!"
"What the fuck do you want?!" In true form, I spit out the first words that come to mind as I turn, mad and barely aware of my own actions. People on the street stop and stare, but Jasper doesn't relent; he approaches me, shaking with emotions, and grabs me by both shoulders.
It sends his feelings rushing through me, all reflections of my own. The fear of losing me outweighs any other doubt in his mind.
"Marry me."
I go wide-eyed before I start to panic again. Perfect timing Jazz, just perfect. This is fucking typical. One more thing to worry about and I just -
"I know this is terrible timing! Don't answer now. Once we've done what you came to do, we'll talk about it. Damn it, Amory," he runs a hand through his hair, looking more exasperated than I've ever seen him, "that was the secret."
Duh. He doesn't say it out loud, but he can't stop his thoughts from blaring it.
"…I'm an idiot. And a bitch." Right now, that's the only part of this whole exchange I can process.
He wants to marry me. That's as far as my brain can take the thought. If I wasn't still so fucking pissed off I'd dance right here on the sidewalk and scream like a schoolgirl. Maybe later.
"You're scared. Look, we'll - "
"He's wrong, right?" My voice goes quiet, "What if we lose it all? What if I lose you?"
I'm pulled into his arms after a brief pause. Wanting to feel anything other than this terrible headache I've caused myself I lean up; my lips hit his with all the tact and intensity of a freight train, and he cups one of my cheeks in his cold hand and nearly devours me.
He gets me with this every time. Makes me feel right even when I don't want to. He doesn't put all my pieces back together effortlessly, but he at least makes sure there's no missing parts.
What now? Do we go back or pick a fight?
Think of it this way, darlin' –
The Major slips through his mind and into mine, dark and sultry and ready for war
- the sooner we clean up this mess, the sooner we can get back home; I won't forgive you this easily.
Great, now I can add being sexually frustrated to the list of things currently mind-fucking me, the others being my vampire boyfriend just proposed and I'm still pissed off.
"Think you can find Maria? If she's not with Red, she'll know where she is."
He raises my disfigured hand to his lips and places a gentle, guilt-ridden kiss against the knuckles on my missing digits.
"I should have stopped her a long time ago," golden eyes with a rim of scarlet around the pupil gaze down at me, lit with fire, "by the end of tonight, I will."
"Jasper, I –"
"Um, hello?"
Both of our heads snap to the side and we suddenly remember we're on planet Earth. Maddie is standing there with Edward, looking mighty awkward.
"Need backup?" She smiles sweetly and all I can do in response is nod stupidly.
"Done freaking out?" The Professor says, usual slight smirk on his face.
"Dear God I hope so," I really do, my brain can't take anymore mental breakdowns, "let's go do something normal."
"Uh, we might have a slight probl-"
"Hello Belmont."
Fuck me sideways, this day just gets better and better.
(A/N: I wrote this whole chapter out, hated how it went, and completely rewrote it. Originally this chapter just seemed to...cheery. The shock of not dying and hearing from her estranged grandfather really put poor Rory through a loop; she might be immortal but she's still only human. I'd been planning a fancy proposal, but this just felt more them. I know I've been less consistent with my updates, but I am trying for quality content, and I do like to take my time with edits and such. Thanks for sticking with me!
On another note, I'm working on another story that will probably be posted soon. I'm on a huge Friday the 13th kick - if you're a fan, check it out! I had originally wanted to wait until this was totally complete, but I can't help it; things just start calling my name.
Lyrics belong to Florence and the Machine - Ship to Wreck. Their new album has really been inspiring me, check it out if you haven't already! As always, you guys are totally fucking awesome, thanks for reading and stay tuned!)