Playlist
Chapter Three
Uma Thurman: Fall Out Boy
Fourth of July: Fall Out Boy
Sweet Nothings: Florence and the Machine
Anything Could Happen: Ellie Goulding
"Then I'll be the crazy bitch that brings him back," ~ Jillian
Chapter Three
Jillian
"What you had to do? What the fuck does that mean?" Jax barks. His cheeks turn red, and his chest heaves beneath his kutte. It takes everything in me not to shrink away. His eyes have that crazy glow. He's on the edge and close to exploding. I know he wants to come across the table on me, but he's never been one for hitting a woman. Gemma taught him right in that respect. I worry the hem of my tank top with my fingers, and force myself to hold his gaze, and show no fear.
"Not in front of Leo," I say.
"Jesus Christ, Piney. You knew this entire time. It's the last thing we need right now," Jax says, turning his focus to the old man.
"No, she is exactly what my son needs right now. This is a family issue, not a club issue," Piney says. His refusal to budge brings a tiny smile to my lips. Stubborn just like his spawn. It feels good to have him backing me. I'll need him.
"Bullshit. If your boy doesn't have his head on straight, it affects all of us," Jax spits.
"Hey, not in front of Leo," I say, slapping my hand on the table. Silence settles over the table.
"Mom?" Leo asks. The uncertainty in his voice slays me.
"I'm sorry kid. This isn't about you," Jax says visibly settling. He offers up the Teller smile. "I don't want you caught up in the middle."
"Meet your Uncle Jax. You'll learn to love him, and he you" I say, begging Jax to take his attitude down a notch with my eyes. I'll fight anyone, anytime over Leo. I don't want to start off by showing him the ugliness that comes with the club.
"You and me outside, Jilly Bean. You got a lot of explaining to do," Jax says.
Don't I know it? I drop my head and nod, unable to hold his anger filled stare any longer. I always liked Jax, seeing him ready to rip in to me is tough. He was a staunch supporter and good friend once. "Trust me, I know."
"Let's take a walk," Jax nods his head toward the exit. For a split second, I'm afraid it's a death march. The love he and Opie have for one another is brotherly. They might as well have come from the same womb. Which means my deceit is unforgivable in his eyes.
"Let me out, Leo," I say, ready to start the process of coming clean. He remains firmly planted. I smile. "It's okay. Jax was a friend. I'd like to think he still is." I place my hand on his shoulder. I'm going to be fine. I mouth. Leo's shoulders slump and he sigh, scooting out of the booth.
"Take your time, I'll keep an eye on him," Piney says.
Nerves settle in. My palms grow sweaty. My heart rate accelerates. It's all coming to a head, and I've had zero time to prepare. I wipe my hands on my jeans and follow him outside. The cold air hits my heated flesh, and I shiver. He remains silent as we walk until the diner is a distant memory. I've replayed this conversation a million times, but now I'm fucking tongue-tied. He slows his pace and takes a deep breath.
"You want to tell me what the fuck this is all about? One look at that kid and I know Opie's the father. So will anyone else who sees him. You kept him hidden all this time. Why come back now? You think you're going to ease in and replace Donna? He didn't want you then, why do you think he'll change his mind now." He cocks an eyebrow and sneers at me.
His words are sharp cuts to my fragile heart. He's a boxer in a ring, raining blows down on a weakening opponent. I bite the inside of my cheek, holding back all the things I want to say. Words are sharp, and I need to do my carving carefully and with great consideration. One false move and me and Leo will both be out on our ass. Leo deserves more, so I practice restraint. By now, I'm a professional at this.
"Piney asked me to come here. He said Opie was out of control and needed grounding."
"And bringing the first born he never knew he had is going to do that, how?" Jax spits the word out like he tasted something rotten. The contempt drips from every word.
"The shit we had was once in a lifetime. There's plenty you don't know about the end. So don't be so fucking presumptuous Jax," I snap. Disrespect isn't what I'm aiming for, but being a doormat isn't an option.
"You think this is some fairytale? You looking for a Knight in Shining armor to save you and bring you out of poverty." He takes a step into my personal space. I hold my ground, and control my breathing as I look him in the eyes.
"Fuck you," I say, enunciating every syllable. "I've been handling my business just fine solo."
Really? 'Cause, you look tired, Jillian. You have dark circles; you're too thin, and your eyes tell me it's been a hard road."
I flinch Much like his mother, Jax can be a real asshole if he wants to. He'd twist words and information to cut you to the quick if he deemed it necessary.
"I don't need your mind games. I'm not here for you. I'm here because Leo deserves this, and Piney thinks he needs it," I say holding up my hands.
"You expect me to believe that? After all this time, you choose now to come back when he's most vulnerable? Give me a reason to not call bullshit."
"He made his choices and I respected it. I wasn't about to let us be a shameful side family, or have Leo caught up in the bullshit going on at the time. With that war wagging, I'd be a fool to stick around. It was one thing when it was just me, but he—" I shake my head. "He changed everything. I was a mother first from the minute the stick had two lines."
"And you never thought he had a right to know?" Jax counters.
"For what? To fuck up his happy home? Make things difficult for everyone, and add strain to a relationship we both know on rocky footing? No, that's not me. I loved him with all I had. I wanted what was best. I understood the club came first, so I acted accordingly."
"You expect me to believe that?" He asks.
"Frankly I could give a fuck less what you believe. This is the truth. He trained me well."
2001
I fidget on the bed beside the man I've come to love.
"Why are you telling me all this Opie? Is this your way of easing into a dear john? We graduate in six months. I know you want to go back to Charming and prospect. The more you explain things. The clearer it becomes there's no place for me in your future." My heart sinks.
"The fuck, Jillian?"
The anger in his voice and the use of my full name make her cringe.
"I'm telling you to prepare you. So you'll be the best old lady there is. You prove yourself to them, and they'll welcome you with open arms. I know you got it in you. You're smart, loyal as fuck, and the only woman I see myself with forever." His voice is soft, and his gaze is open and vulnerable. His words decimated the wall she'd been trying to build around her heart.
"You mean that?" I ask, softly.
"Fuck girl. Isn't it obvious?" He smooths my hair back from her face and kisses my pulse point. "You're the reason I live. Without you I'd already be in juve somewhere. You made this move livable. "
"But what about me?" I ask honestly. I'm not sure Charming has a place for me.
"What about you babe? You'll move back to me, find a job, or live off what I'll make, Maybe enroll in the local college there. It's up to you. All I care about it that you're with me."
"But I'm the wrong color." His clubs strict bylaws worry the hell out of me.
"Fuck that. You're not trying to patch in, and that shits antiquated. Once they meet you and see you're solid, it'll change. Hell, Jax has been dying to meet you for months."
"You talk about me that much to your best friend?" I ask tentatively.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?" He asks looking at me like I've grown three heads. "We've been together for almost two years, Jill. You come up a whole hell of a lot. Come up with me for spring break. Meet everyone and dip your toe in the water. I know you have what it takes to do this with me. I need you to be at my side. Are you up for that?"
I study his sharp features, run my fingers through my soft, auburn locks, and inhale his scent. Life without this man would be bleak, full of regrets and what ifs. For better or worse I'll see this through till it's ended.
"Yes, I'm up for that," I whisper.
"Good. You have to understand, the club comes first without question. As much as I love you, it means accepting you're second. But no other bitch or person on this earth will top you. I can promise you that."
"I understand. What do I need to do?"
A brilliant smile stretched across his lips as he rattles on about the life.
Present
"Maybe he did," Jax says softly.
I can tell he's rotating the information over in his mind. I can see the moment he recalls the climate at the time.
"Whatever your reasons, it's going to be a giant cluster fuck, Jill." He pulls out a cigarette and light ups. At least for now, he's done treating me like the enemy. "You ready for that?"
"I have to be. I couldn't hide him forever, and Piney asked me. I owe him."
Jax nods. "He been helping you out?"
"Yeah, here and there. Mostly just providing moral support. You know how it went down with my parents."
"Shit they didn't jump on patching things up after shit went south?" Jax asks.
"I never gave them a chance. I'd be damned if I was going to go crawling back to them after the way they treated us." I scowl thinking of the horrible names they called Opie and me when I told them about out plans, and the hell they'd put us through while we dated him in high school.
"You shouldn't have been all alone. That's not how Samcro does things." Jax frowns.
"We both know I'm not Samcro," I say.
"Shit, you almost where though, and Leo is."
"We both know how much almost doesn't count."
"Fucking right on that one. How do you want to do this?" he asks.
"I'm following your lead. I can't see there being a right way."
"Yeah, fuck it, let's go balls to the wall. You go first though. Has to be that way. Don't want your boy getting caught in the crossfire. He's going to be livid, Jill. Not sure what he'll do in this state. He's…. off."
"I think I can handle it,"
"Fuck that makes one of always were a boat rocker. I remember the shock when you came walking in beside him that first day. No one knew what the fuck to say. Brown wasn't a color you saw around here, not in relation to Samcro, and yet you held your head high and took all the digs like a damn champ. It won you support. You already had my loyalty. I know what you did for Opie. He was wild and out of control when Mary dragged his ass away. I was worried he'd end up locked down or in the ground. Then he met you and shit settled. For that reason, I can see why Piney is willing to try it again."
"I can take a lot, and for him I'll go to the edge."
"Be prepared for that, Jilly Bean. He's off the rails right now."
"Then I'll be the crazy bitch that brings him back."