So I wrote this on a flight home in the middle of the night so I hope it makes sense! Please let me know whether you are still reading this and if you are I shall continue! Enjoy :)
There's a silence. A silence that shares more than words could possibly say.
Finally after his initial shock Nick relieves this with a quiet and broken "hey"
"Nick" she goes to say but her voice cuts out, partly in disbelief that he actually answered to her, another part of her feeling complete and no longer alone.
There is another uncomfortable silence. Neither knowing which approach the other was going to take. Neither knowing where the ground lay between them. Neither of them daring to share the truth for fear of the others reaction.
"Are, are you ok?" Nick stutters, struggling to take in the voice at the end of the phone, the voice that sounded so broken and the voice she knew only he could put back together.
"I don't know Nick" Carla eventually manages to form her response, knowing that the only way she could ever get through this now was to be honest with Nick.
Carla inhales sharply and continues, Nick knowing all too well not to interrupt her.
"Look Nick, I know I'm the last person on the planet that you want to be associated with, the last person you want to have contact with but please listen to me?"
Nick doesn't respond and Carla takes this as the conformation that he will listen. She knows he'll listen, of course he'll listen. That's the kind of man he is, he couldn't be as cruel as to say no, especially when the woman at the end of the phone was the woman he desperately wanted back.
"I don't want to make excuses for what I did. It was wrong, on every level. I want to explain and hope you can understand why everything went so wrong. It was just after I had found out about Johnny, I went to the casino, I got drunk, he was just there. I didn't go looking for him. I needed to escape from everything. I needed to get out of my head and I didn't know any other way. I pressed self-destruct"
By this point Carla has tears staining her cheeks, Nick knows this and his heart is breaking all over again. He wants to hold her, wipe her cheeks and tell her that everything will be ok. But he can't, he knows he can't. He scared her and that's why she's gone. If he hadn't reacted like he had he could have spoken to her, forgiven her because he already has.
He can't blame her. He wasn't there for her when she needed him most. He shouldn't have been so self-centred, he should have seen the warning signs and been there for her but he wasn't. He knows she was hitting self-destruct and that is her default system.
"I don't expect you to forgive me. How can I? I did the unimaginable to you and now I'm paying the price. I'm living in a shell of our home. The home where we could have cooked family meals and hung the washing out on the line, followed by evening strolls along the beach"
Nick lets a stray tear race down his cheek as he imagines the life that they had so meticulously planned for themselves.
"I don't want to make you or force you into anything, really I don't. I've put you through enough so I'd understand. But Nick please, I'm begging you, come to Devon? Or I'll meet you somewhere. Please, anything. I need you, we need you"
"We?" Nicks voice chokes.
He is confused. Who is this other person? Surely Robert couldn't have gone with her? Surely she can't be doing this to him? But no matter what happens he would always be her knight in shining armour. He couldn't not. But why would she want him near her.
"Yes" Carla replies, all her words suddenly fail her. She'd said it.
"Wha, what do you mean?" Carla can hear the panic in his voice.
"We. Me and our baby. Nick we need you. I need you, I can't do it without you. You're the man I planned this life with. A life where our child runs around the garden playing hide and seek, a life where we read them stories together at the end of the day, then we sit on the sofa snuggled up and reminisce on all the times we've shared"
Carla just continues to talk. Nick sits in their flat in silence. He can't comprehend what he is being told. His wife and baby are at the other end of the country because of him. The way he reacted. Not because of what she did, but because he lashed out and didn't tell her the truth. He told her what he thought he should say in front of the gathered audience but really he should have told that it didn't matter. That he understood. That he forgave her. That was the truth. But he didn't.
"I can't do it on my own. I can't bring a child into this world into a broken home. I can't subject a child to a life where they don't see their dad everyday, a life where drop off time is a misery because neither parent will speak to the other, or a life where they don't see their daddy at all. Any child of mine will not go through what I did. I don't expect you to respond now. You need time to take this in, I understand that. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I just ask that you consider our beautiful, tiny baby in all of this. Even if I can't have you, don't punish our baby for my mistakes"
Nick still can't speak. He furiously blinks back the tears as memories of his childhood flash back, all the things he would do with his child that he never experienced. All the things he wished he could still do with his dad but knowing it was too late. He was going to stand up and be the man Carla and their baby needed. But right now he couldn't find the words to express that.
"Look it's been a shock Nick. I'll just cut the phone off now and leave you to think about everything. I'm sorry to have sprung this on you. If and when you want to talk about things I'll be here. Nick, please take care of yourself. You can still talk to me. I love you"
With that the line goes dead before Nick has the chance to whisper…
"I forgive you Carla. I love you"