UNCERTAINTY
Is he allright? Is he even alive? Dear Merlin, let him be fine I think feverishly as I run through the castle to the Dumbledore's office. The rumour has it Greyback has attacked someone. I don't know who. And it's driving me crazy. I have to find someone who knows something. And Dumbledore usually knows. But when I get there and see that the headmaster is not there, I feel like my legs may give out.
He's not here. And I have no idea how Remus is. The dread I feel even thinking about him is almost unbearable.
I start to aimlessly walk the school corridors, promising myself to return to my post the minute I get a little better grip on myself. No use of an Auror who's verge on tears, right?
Uncertainty is my worst enemy, it has always been. When you're uncertain mind tends to conjure up the worst images. And because you don't know, it isn't easy to overlook the fears, because it could happen. Tiny and sometimes not-so-tiny chance that the thing you fear will come reality is torturous. And you can't do anything about it. That's why I love taking part in the action. Battlefields don't scare me, because at least there I'm doing something. But when you are uncertain of the outcome and only thing you can do is wait and see, that's why this is so nervewracking to me.
On this post, I feel so useless and all my fears feed on that uncertainty. The rumours one hears don't help the matter. It only intensifies the horrible feeling of not knowing if I'm doing enough. Not knowing if anything I do makes a difference. Is it even possible to win this war.? And of course I worry every bloody day about Remus. Uncertainty is gnawing inside me, pumping my heart faster and making it hard to breathe. And it feels endless. Is there any hope?
I encounter Harry on one corridor, He seems surprised to see me. Gosh I must look like a wreck. He asks what I'm doing here, and I tell him that I was hoping to see Dumbledore. He then asks me if I know where Dumbledore has gone. No idea. When he asks why I wanted to see the Headmaster I find myself hesitant. Harry has enough on his plate without hearing me going on about a werewolf on a suicide mission. Still I can't help asking him if he has gotten any letters from someone in the Order. Maybe Remus has managed to write him?
When he answers that no one in the Order writes to him anymore, I feel those damn tears blurring my vision. Anymore? Did Remus write him before? Oh Merlin...Whatever Harry is saying goes completely unheard by me.
"What?" I manage "Well I'll see you later Harry"
I turn quicky around and walk away trying to keep the tears from falling. I hate myself acting this way, but living day after day in this uncertain haze and not knowing what terrible things are on their way is frankly, hell.
A/N: Sorry for the long pause,I have been battling my own uncertainties. I have always thought that there where many reasons for Tonks acting the way she did. Remus and his idiocy were the main reason of course, but I think the reality of war was dawning on her (She was so young and inexperienced in OOTP) and not being able to be someone you love and find together the strenght to carry on must been hard. And talk about those Dementors everywhere..