An earthquake destroyed the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Not even this idea is mine. Mostly Snake Screamer and Twitter are to blame for this one.

Krieger Kwakes

It all started one day at the Figgis Agency where Archer, Lana, Pam and Ray were lounging around in the bullpen. Lana and Ray were reading magazines. Archer was casually drinking and Pam was writing something down.

"I need something more interesting and edgy for my blog," Pam frowned as she looked at the paper.

"How about describing your last date?" Ray suggested.

"Eh, it wasn't that interesting," Pam shrugged. "It was just another drunken escapade in a bar's bathroom after a round with some transvestite truckers."

"That is pretty tame for you," Archer admitted.

"Just wish something interesting would happen around here," Pam frowned.

Then Krieger ran through the room. "Everybody hang on!" Krieger whooped joyfully. "This is going to be great!"

"Yeah, hanging on…" Archer scoffed as he took a drink. "Hang on to what?"

"Uh oh…That can't be a good thing," Ray realized.

"Wait why did he say that?" Lana realized something. "Why should we hang on?"

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBLEE!

"NOW THIS IS AN EARTHQUAKE!" Archer whooped as everything shook and rumbled around them. "WHOO HOO!"

"AAAAHHH!" Ray bounced up and down along with everyone else in their seats for a moment. Then everything stopped.

"Another damn earthquake!" Lana groaned. "Starting to agree with Mallory about living in LA!"

"Was that interesting enough for you Pam?" Ray snapped.

"It would have been if those transvestite truckers were here," Pam shrugged.

"Now that was a fun earthquake!" Archer grinned. "I actually got some bounce out of that one!"

"How can you be so happy about what happened?" Lana snapped.

"Surviving that earthquake was better than surviving the last one," Archer said. "The other one was pretty lame so…"

"You have the weirdest bucket list," Pam groaned.

Cheryl ran in. "Okay…I know you think I'm crazy…"

"Think?" Archer quipped.

"But I could swear the ground was shaking just now!" Cheryl said in a scared voice.

"That's because we just had an earthquake you blithering ditz!" Mallory snapped as she walked in.

"Are you sure?" Cheryl asked.

"One of my new Stubend glasses is broken and it feels like I just got off a bus driving over a series of potholes in New England," Mallory growled. "Yes!"

"Oh," Cheryl blinked. "Never mind. Phew! That's a relief!"

"Relief my ass," Lana barked. "KRIEGER WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?"

"Why would Krieger…?" Mallory began. "Oh no…He didn't…"

"Who didn't?" Cyril asked as he walked in. "And did you feel the earthquake we just had right now?"

"It was real Cyril," Cheryl said. "I got confused too."

"Just before it happened Krieger ran in and told us to hang on," Ray explained.

"Oh dear God no!" Cyril groaned. "KRIEGER!"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeessss?" Krieger walked in with a grin on his face and something in his hand.

"What did you do now?" Cyril growled.

"I figured out the secret to Tesla's earthquake machine!" Krieger showed them a silver and blue device. "And it's portable!"

"You made a portable earthquake machine?" Lana was stunned.

"I call it Krieger Kwakes!" Krieger beamed. "With a K of course."

"Krieger!" Mallory snapped. "I can't believe you did…No, that's not true. I can believe you would make a machine that would cause so much trouble and destruction!"

"Believe it?" Cheryl quipped. "It's practically all he does around here!"

"Kind of his signature calling card," Pam agreed.

"Pam don't put this on your blog," Archer sighed.

"Yeah!" Krieger said. "It's already on mine! Don't copy me!"

"Krieger you Nazi Nitwit…" Mallory growled.

"Why are you of all people mad?" Krieger asked Mallory. "Didn't you once say and I quote, 'LA is a smog laden cesspit that deserves to sink into a hole made by one of their god forsaken earthquakes?'

"That was before I started living here in this hell hole!" Mallory shouted. "I'm not saying I was wrong but now that I own property here…"

"Technically Ron and Cyril own property here," Pam spoke up. "And Cheryl."

"Shut your bear claw hole!" Mallory snapped.

"I'm not even going to bother going into the morality of owning an earthquake making machine," Lana groaned. "But the safety issues alone…"

"It's perfectly safe! I already did a main test run!" Krieger said. "In Malibu!"

"Why Malibu?" Mallory shouted.

"Remember how you told me that you hated the fact that Trudy Beekman had a summer beach home in Malibu?" Krieger asked.

"You didn't…" Ray did a double take.

"Check out CNN!" Krieger pointed to a laptop. "The results went viral!"

"YOU USED YOUR EARTHQUAKE MACHINE TO DESTROY TRUDY BEEKMAN'S SUMMER HOME?" Lana shouted.

"Now hang on," Mallory quickly spoke up. "I'm sure Krieger took the proper precautions. It was only a test run."

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

"No one was killed right?" Mallory said.

"Nope, property was empty," Krieger nodded.

"So what's the harm?" Mallory shrugged. "I'm sure the place was insured anyway. No harm. No foul."

"Mallory even for you…" Lana groaned.

"I sort of hit a few other places," Krieger coughed.

"Like where?" Cyril shouted.

"Funny story," Krieger shrugged. "Guess who had the house right next door to Trudy Beekman's? Morel Majorson."

"Isn't that the local leader of the anti-gay movement in this town?" Lana realized.

"Yup, yup, yup…" Krieger nodded. "I figured I owed Ray for the hand thing…"

"Well as long as nobody really got hurt," Ray spoke up.

"RAY!" Lana barked.

"Of course I accidentally cranked up the volts," Krieger coughed. "Turned the place into a sinkhole."

"Sounds like karma to me," Ray shrugged.

"And I did even more damage to Trudy Beekman's summer home," Krieger winced. "That's kind of a sinkhole too."

"Holy sinkhole-snacks!" Pam cried out as she looked at her laptop. "There's an entire street in Malibu that's practically a sinkhole! The whole road is just one giant pothole!"

The others looked at it. "That is one big hole," Archer whistled.

"Again karma," Mallory shrugged.

"MALLORY!" Lana barked. "There is an entire street in Malibu that is completely and utterly destroyed!"

"Yeah that was not my intention," Krieger coughed.

"REALLY?" Lana shouted.

"Yes," Krieger said honestly.

"It's Malibu! Not like most of these people can't afford it," Mallory waved. "I bet some of them were looking for an excuse to redecorate anyway."

"Yeah that makes it all better," Ray rolled his eyes.

"On the up side, the surfing is really bitching down here now," Krieger said. "Just in time for the Mailbu Surfing Finals. I bet they break some records today!"

"I should break your head!" Cyril snapped. "Oh wait, it's already broken!"

"No lives lost but there's a huge mess down there," Pam remarked.

"More work for the construction companies and power companies," Krieger said.

"And water and sewer companies," Pam blinked. "Look at the geyser coming out of that guy's back yard!"

"It looks like Mt. Flushmore," Archer winced in disgust at the image.

"I ain't seen that much filth flow out since that politician got drunk and spoke at that porn convention," Ray remarked.

"That was a fun weekend wasn't it?" Archer asked.

"No, because you idiots were hired to protect him!" Mallory snapped.

"We did! He wasn't assassinated," Archer pointed out.

"No, but his career was," Mallory groaned. "By his own mouth."

"You can only do so much to protect a client from themselves," Archer pointed to Cheryl who was sniffing some glue. "Look at Carol over there."

"You have a point," Mallory sighed.

"I also tested my machine out in one or two other places," Krieger coughed. "Well I had to fine tune it!"

"Where?" Cyril snapped.

"You remember Lowman Siblings?" Krieger suggested. "One of those stock trading companies that took this country into a tailspin?"

"Vividly," Mallory growled. "Since they took a great deal of my savings and turned them into dust!"

"Well they still had a building downtown…" Krieger began.

"What do you mean by had a building?" Lana barked. "Oh god no…"

"Yup," Krieger nodded.

"You didn't…" Cyril groaned.

"He did," Pam clicked on the site. "Wow that is a lot of rubble."

"HA!" Mallory crowed. "GOOD!"

"Karma!" Ray agreed.

"Unfortunately I also sort of destroyed the building next to it," Krieger coughed.

"And by sort of destroyed…?" Cyril groaned.

"Completely destroyed," Krieger said.

"And what building did you accidentally destroy?" Cyril's left eye began to twitch.

"The law office of Lichenstein, Lichenstein, Grubber and O'Hanoran," Krieger said. "But it was after hours! Not even the cleaning staff was there!"

"Oh. Well since nobody died, then there's no real harm done," Mallory shrugged.

"No harm?" Cyril shouted. "There are sinkholes all over the place and buildings are destroyed! There's damage everywhere…"

"People are out of work…" Lana went on.

"Stockbrokers and lawyers," Mallory corrected. "I'm sure they'll bounce back."

"There's sewage and filth flowing out into the streets," Cyril added.

"She said stockbrokers and lawyers duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"You realize if those lawyers ever find out we were responsible for this we'd have the mother of all lawsuits right?" Cyril snapped.

"This is California! Good luck finding proof that those earthquakes weren't natural!" Mallory scoffed.

"I'm guessing that blogs aren't admissible as evidence?" Ray remarked.

"What else did you destroy Krieger?" Lana glared at him.

"Weeeeeeeeeeel," Krieger scratched his head.

"Krieger…" Cyril growled.

"Found it!" Pam called out. "Freak earthquake destroys movie set! Is this the end of Fairborne Films?"

"Fairborne Films?" Ray blinked. "Isn't that that studio that's been around since the beginning of movies itself?"

"Yeah and they've been having a lot of financial problems," Pam said. She read from the article. "Two days ago they were shooting their latest blockbuster picture, Aliens Vs. Drag Racers From The Future. It was supposed to save their studio from complete collapse. Instead the entire set collapsed."

"How was I supposed to know they were shooting a movie nearby?" Krieger protested. "I go to the desert so I can blow stuff up in peace! How was I supposed to know?"

"The earthquake caused millions of dollars in damages and destroyed several vehicles," Pam said. "The damage was so bad the movie has been delayed indefinitely."

"Oh what a shame," Archer rolled his eyes. "Another shoot-em up explosion movie won't be made. How will we ever survive?"

"According to this three writers, a studio executive and a lawyer died when some really heavy rocks fell on them," Pam winced. "The executive was the head of Fairborne Films, Flannigan Fairborne the Fourth."

"Oopsie," Krieger winced.

"And the film's star Wraith Rathbone has been badly injured and can't continue filming for the next six months," Pam read. "Apparently he needs a new nose job."

"Oh please!" Archer scoffed. "Some pretty boy actor is having a hissy fit because he got a little bruise…"

"No, he literally needs a nose job because he no longer has a nose," Pam corrected. "Apparently there was this scene with a sharp sword that was placed high up for some reason. The earthquake happened. The sword fell. Rathbone didn't get out of the way in time…"

"EEWWWW!" Everyone winced at the picture.

"Yeah that is going to take a lot of work," Krieger winced.

"Rathbone is suing the studio for damages," Pam added. "And loss of income."

"The man has a case," Cyril winced. "No way an actor without a nose can get any work. Well outside of a horror movie. Or a science fiction movie. Maybe a medical drama…?"

"Long story short…" Pam winced. "It looks like that studio is closing down and thousands of people are going to be put out of work."

"Definitely a major oopsie," Krieger admitted.

"Hey Krieger can you destroy the Tuntalagio for me?" Cheryl spoke up.

"Why would you want to destroy one of your own hotels?" Archer asked.

"It's not my hotel," Cheryl explained. "It used to be my brother's until he gave it to stupid Tiffy."

"Oh yeah that now makes sense," Archer nodded.

"Hang on," Mallory thought. "How much would you pay to see that hotel destroyed Cheryl?"

"MALLORY!" Lana shouted.

"Ms. Archer," Cyril gave her a look. "Even I can't believe you would use an earthquake machine for profit!"

"Then you really haven't been paying attention all these years have you?" Ray gave him a look.

"He's got a point," Archer admitted.

"Think of it as an opportunity for a new business," Mallory said. "I mean let's face it, demolition is a specialty of ours. We're just taking it to a new level."

"You're taking it to a felony!" Ray protested.

"Mallory even for you this is…" Lana snapped. "Beyond your usual brand of insanity and…What's that word? Oh right. Evil!"

"Yeah Mother even I have to put the brakes on this one," Archer agreed.

"What?" Mallory asked.

"Yeah what?" Krieger asked. "What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that this is the Figgis Detective Agency!" Cyril snapped. "Not the Legion of Doom!"

"Well not with that attitude," Krieger said.

"Look as much as I love annoying Lana and Cyril…" Archer began. "In fact I'm really enjoying how that vein on Cyril's forehead is bulging. Like it's going to pop out of his head at any second like an alien that was put in the wrong place."

"More like one of those worms you see in Tremors," Pam shrugged.

"Even I have to admit using an earthquake making machine for profit is a bad idea," Archer went on. "For so many reasons. Mostly because we all know if Krieger keeps on using it Batman and the rest of the Justice League will figure it out and come down to kick our asses."

"FORGET THE DAMN JUSTICE LEAGUE!" Cyril shouted. "I'M MORE CONCERNED WITH THE C-I-FREAKING-A!"

"Well maybe if we get Ra's al Guld to help we might be able to hold them off?" Cheryl suggested. "He's actually got a pretty good track record against Batman."

"Better than Lex Luthor's against Superman," Krieger admitted. "I mean he couldn't even be president of the USA without screwing it up."

"I don't mean the actual…" Archer began. "Never mind. We all know that even our government would wise up. And that would send those assholes from the CIA into our lives again. I mean they had a freaking shrink ray they screwed around with! You think they'd think twice about using an earthquake machine?"

"He has a point," Ray nodded. "This is just too dangerous for anyone's hands. Especially ours!"

"Don't you make enough problems with your radioactive pigs, and your cyborgs and your mutants…?" Cyril asked Krieger. "And whatever gadgets you've got going on Dr. Krieger-Stein?"

"Being a man of science means always pushing the boundaries," Krieger said.

"OF MY SANITY!" Cyril shouted.

"And breaking the rules," Krieger added.

"OF THE LAW!" Cyril shouted.

"So we can only use this machine for personal use?" Cheryl asked.

"THAT'S IT!" Cyril shouted as he stormed out of the room.

"I have to admit Krieger," Archer chuckled. "As far as getting Cyril to blow his brain stack, you are quite the master. I could learn a lot from you."

"Oh go on," Krieger waved.

"I'm serious," Archer said. "You're the…Damn it. I want to say Obi-Wan Kenobi but…"

"More like Krieg-Adi-Non-Mundane," Pam quipped.

"Ehhhhh close but we could do better," Archer admitted. "Good reference though."

"Do or do not, there is no try my young padawan," Krieger said.

"TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE!" Cyril stormed in waving a crowbar.

"Oh boy…" Archer snorted. "Here we go…."

SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!

"The Twelve Ten Conniption Fit arriving on time," Archer remarked as Cyril destroyed the machine.

"Actually I think it's only eleven thirty," Cheryl corrected.

"QUAKEY! NO!" Krieger shouted.

"Let me make this perfectly clear," Cyril panted as he finished destroying the machine. "Read my lips! No. More. Earthquake machines!"

"Guess you had that coming huh Krieger?" Pam suggested.

"FIGGIS OUT!" Cyril dropped the crow bar and stormed off.

"Awww…Quakey…" Krieger sniffed.

"Can't have anything nice," Mallory sighed.

"Cyril you've been kind of jumpy lately. Maybe you should switch to decaf?" Cheryl suggested.

"Maybe I should switch careers?" Cyril shouted. "AND FRIENDS!"