Chapter 11: Yuletide Jeer
Dec 23
"Is it me or are these ornaments glaring at us?" Charity Burbage whispered not liking the watchful malevolence of the angel's glittering eyes. Its maniacal face seemed at odds with the feathery wings, crisply bleached tunic and metallic halo.
"Those are actually petrified Cornish Pixies." Aurora Sinistra answered automatically as she focused on levitating braids of popcorn around the Christmas tree in criss cross patterns.
Dumbledore had insisted that they make decorations and arrange them in the muggle way without magic. After the quaint novelty of handcrafted stars wore off (several dozen batches later), Sinistra decided to improvise at her own discretion in the Headmaster's absence. While she was not afraid of breaking her neck on the ricketty ladder (see: deathtrap) provided by Filch she did have an aversion to flashing her nineteenth century bloomers to the gawkers below. That left her companions but Charity feared heights and Emmeline was busy untangling Tonks from the tinsel. And Tonks… well she was a ticking time bomb of holiday disaster waiting to ignite. One may as well hand the auror Skele-gro and be done with it.
"But I thought we were going to use gingerbread men." Charity eyed the pixies with impending dread.
Visions of mobile and mad pixies hurling presents, strangling guests with garlands and setting fire to the Great Hall bombarded her thoughts. Inwardly she shuddered, remembering how a bothersome trio of pixies had trapped her bunny in a microwave brought in for show and tell to Muggle Studies. Fortunately it was not plugged in.
"Well the house elves caught the fiendish demons having an orgy in the dough. I can't even describe what they were doing in the apple cider." Aurora's blithely stated explanation stunned her audience.
"WHAT?!!" Nymphadora Tonks screeched as revitalized pixie slipped out her hand and went soaring across the Hall only to crash into a reindeer sculpted of ice. Nimbly Rolanda Hooch snatched the errant decoration deftly before it drowned in a tureen of egg nog.
"Nevermind. Just don't eat the cookies… or drink the cider." The astronomy professor grinned evilly as the auror wiped her sticky hands in revulsion on a black cloak hanging off a nearby chair.
"Duly noted. Filthy wee buggers." Tonks grimaced and wondered if she should disinfect her hands (not to mention her mouth) with fire whiskey. She shot a nasty glower across the room at her potion brewing nemesis whose obnoxious smirk heated her temper several degrees above boiling point. Smarmy git probably charmed the tinsel to behave like Venomous Tentacula.
"So how did the elves get the pixies so white?" Charity looked pallid as she abandoned her cider mug immediately. The identity of the filmy substance floating on the beverage's surface defied classification.
"Icing sugar, egg whites and wax but I believe that the feathers are glued on." Permanently she hoped. As Sinistra spun away she cast an alluring wink at Blaine Vector.
Professor Vector appeared unusually thirsty this evening. He had made several trips to the cider fountain (and even more trips to the loo) which just happened to be beside where the ladies were gathered. In his bedazzlement with one particular lady, he ignored where he was ladling the notorious cider as it dribbled onto one irate and sopping Professor Flitwick.
"Huh. Remind me never to piss the house elves off." Tonks admired the elves' vindictive ingenuity at dealing with the blue skinned menaces. Yesterday she awoke to breakfast in bed or more specifically a pillow slathered by porridge (great Merlin she hoped it was porridge) and a comforter drenched in honey and cream. Needless to say her feelings towards the pixies were less than charitable.
"So how did they get into the castle? Cornwall is a long way from here." Gingerly Emmeline Vance positioned a pixie on a lower bough. Although the creature was paralyzed, she did not trust his leering intentions towards the neighboring teddy bear so she moved him a few branches away just to err on the side of caution.
"A few years back that pompous toerag Lockhart let some pixies loose in his classroom. Some escaped and they have been flittering amok around the castle ever since." Aurora bent over to pick up a box of candles exposing an inordinate amount of luminous cleavage (enough to cause Professor Vector to trip into the cider fountain). Flitwick handed him a napkin unceremoniously before scurrying away to gather lyric sheets for the choir.
"Lockhart." Charity sighed dreamily.
"You still mooning over that blithering idiot? Didn't they release him from St. Mungo's recently?" Tonks scoffed. She had little use for men whose portraits possessed self portraits and especially cowards who tried to obliviate children in order to save his own lavendar covered reputation (see: arse).
"Well he is still quite fit looking as long as you can reducto his ego." Emmeline admitted wryly. "Mind you a silencio to his insipid babble would vastly improve his temperament."
Healer Vance had the dubious honor of treating Gilderoy Lockhart during his stay at the hospital. He had autographed the walls of his room and even some of his fellow patients on occasion. While he had amused her with his nonsensical stories, she did not miss his bottom pinching tendencies. Likely he did not miss the involuntary and frigid cleansing treatments he received under her care.
"Bite your tongue. That ponce would snog his own reflection if he could. Ahh right you're dating my cousin so I can´t fault you for your horrid taste in men. Shall I let Sirius know that he faces some stiff competition in the vanity department?" Tonks teased as she spotted Snuffles the black dog swipe a platter of ginger newts to the dismay of a scolding Minerva McGonagall. His canine laughter was evident as he scrambled through a side passage leaving a trail of crumbs.
"Not really, I prefer my wizards dark haired, brooding and wickedly rakish looking… don't you?" Emmeline quipped. One did not need to rely on the 'Sight' to know that Tonks' gaze often strayed towards a certain potion's master vicinity. The auror's scowling response said one thing but her eyes told a different story.
"It's not the hair color ladies, it's what they're like in the sack… the galleon sack that is." Aurora retorted in her most school marmish manner. The others tittered nervously. "Grandmother told me to marry for the size of the Gringott's account, but dally for the size of their…"
"AURORA!" Charity admonished with a maidenly blush. Thankfully none of the students or the senior staff were within earshot.
"Then I suppose that Black is no slouch in the sack … either of them." Slyly Emmeline stole a velvet bow from the pile behind Tonks. The witches had prudently avoided giving the accident challenged woman any jobs involving the use of scissors, glue, or matches.
"LA LA LA LA LA!" Covering her not so innocent ears, Tonks pleaded: "Don't tell me any more about your scandalous behaviour. The nightmares are traumatizing enough without the sordid details." His bedroom was adjacent to hers at the manse. Howling was the least of her concerns. The strawberry jam pawprints however made her cringe everytime she had toast… such a nuisance to replace the jar after each and every incident.
"But we crave details. The more sordid the better." Aurora thoroughly enjoyed provoking their wide eyed stares of disbelief. "Let me live vicariously through your exploits because lately I haven't had anything betwixt my nethers that wasn't wand operated."
"Probably not for lack of trying." Tonks muttered and ducked as a half empty tankard sailed towards her. While it missed her head by mere inches, she could not dodge the second expertly hurled missile. "Oww! I'm the hurt party remember." Rubbing her bruised ribs with exaggerated tenderness she seemed embarassed when Madame Pomfrey hustled promptly to her aid.
"Tsk tsk. Such behaviour is unbecoming of Hogwarts professors." Pomfrey admonished while fussing over Tonks' injury. Tonks made a ridiculous face over the kindly nurse's shoulder at her unrepentant assailant. "And such faces are unbecoming of aurors as well."
Covertly Tonks spelled Aurora's ankles together in velvet knots when Poppy wandered away. They both settled for flicking popcorn at one another until Emmeline took the giant bowl away.
"Some wizards just don't have the stones to act on subtle hints thrown their way." Sinistra sent an icy glare to a confused Vector who deftly sidestepped the floating mistletoe. How dare he pretend that the encounter in the Astronomy Tower did not occur. Also the infuriating man had yet to invite her to the ball. Blaine nearly knocked her over in escape every time she brought up the subject for the past week.
"There there Aurora, we'll just have to go to Hogsmeade and buy an outfit that will make Vector drag his jaw along the floor." Charity patted Sinistra's hand in sympathy.
"Perhaps I'll ask Professor Snark himself, I don't think he's taking anyone to the ball… yet." Aurora scrutinized Tonks deliberately for any betrayal of emotions especially of the green eyed variety.
"Be my guest I'm sure he'd be a cauldron of laughs." Tonks snorted, ripping one of the bows instead of tying it securely to a candy cane.
"Don't worry darling, he isn't my cup of … pumpkin juice. Although he does have a rather nice arse for a prickly berk." Jokingly Aurora admired her colleague's profile as he stealthily clambered up a ladder. His infamously billowing cloak was absent for the task revealing trousers that were snug… everywhere. She could personally guarantee that the nickname 'Professor TightPants' would be bandied around the staff lounge for weeks to follow.
"Too bad his wand is inserted so far up there." Tonks deadpanned as she transformed into Snape mimicking the man's bored condenscension perfectly.
Charity instinctively restrained her mouth to keep from shrieking with insanely wild laughter.
"Miss Tonks, I might have to give you detention for such impertinence." Aurora reprimanded in mock severity. Secretly she agreed.
"If the man could get his head out of a potions grimoire, he might see what's right in front of his overly large nose." Emmeline hinted. "And you know what they say about a man with a large nose…"
"Big handkerchief?" Tonks asked innocently. "Big sneeze?" Her eyebrow waggled salaciously.
"She means big… ummmph." Sinistra was silenced by a timely and strategic piece of cake shoved into mouth by Charity.
"Don't encourage her." Charity daintily wiped the chocolate from Aurora's cheek. "So what are you wearing to the ball?"
"Haven't given it much thought, my auror robes maybe." Tonks was not an ardent fan of formal wear. Her tastes ran towards outlandish and colourfully mismatched but lately she wore somber understated clothing. It wasn't as if she had a man to dress for.
"Maybe Aurora is not the only one in need of a shopping excursion in quest for a dress that will leave men swooning in its wake. What say you Charity and Tonks… care to be dragged along? We prefer you willing but kicking and screaming will be acceptable." Emmeline smiled enigmatically. "I'm sure Sirius can be persuaded to part with a few galleons."
The fashionable Emmeline fairly itched to makeover her friends. She planned to mold the frumpy and childlike dressing Charity into an elegant sophisticate. The austere and old fashioned Aurora would look smashing as a sultry vixen. Secretly she had cast shrinking spells on Sinistra's clothes to make them more form fitting. Poor Aurora had thought that she was gaining weight until Emmeline had pointed it that it was probably a laundry mishap. And for her piece de resistance she would burn Tonk's tomboyish gutter chic and transform her into a lady nay a goddess.
"Not even married to a Black yet and already abusing his sack… privileges." Tonks commented dryly while trying to mend a glass unicorn that someone had dropped. The result was a lopsided horn. Oh well hope it wasn't expensive. Perhaps it would be best if she stuck to handling the unbreakable decorations.
"Not this witch. I earn my own galleons thank you very much. And if I want to make Black sit up and beg… I don't require any clothing." Emmeline primped mockingly at her reflection in a mirrored ball.
"On that note I will get myself an eggnog and NOT a cider. Feel free to discuss that dog and his dirty tricks when I am blissfully gone." Tonks practically bolted towards the refreshments with a fervent hope that someone (cough Trelawney) had spiked the nog.
"While indulging in ball gowns and spending the Black fortune sounds brilliant, there is still a lot of work to be done in the Great Hall." Breathlessly Charity gazed upwards lost in the glacial splendor of her surroundings.
Hazy twilight enveloped the ceiling along with a spectacular display of crystal icicles suspended in circular chandeliers. They arced and loped subtly casting a cascade of pearly illumination on the dance platform. Beneath their feet, the floors shimmered with shimmering snow that frosted and swirled with every step. Along the evergreen strewn walls, the marble torches and braziers were frozen over, their light muted seductively. Round translucent tables and chairs were cloaked intimately by diaphanous curtains of opalescent samite.
The suits of armor and house tapestries were replaced by animated ice sculptures and wreathes of unmelting snowflakes. Their Yule tree rose frostily from the right side of front dais flickering with fairy lights and the gleam of glass ornaments and silver pinecones (not to mention a few petrified pixies and partially nibbled popcorn garlands). A trove of oddly shaped Secret Santa presents nestled at its base waiting for their secrets to be unwrapped and cherished (or soundly dumped in the rubbish bin).
It's all your fault Sinistra for now I keep checking out his arse! Tonks grumbled to herself. She averted her avid stare away from his oh so tight breeches which were practically melded to his… and his… my Merlin. Like an apparation accident she couldn't help but examine those polished black boots with silver buckles fastened securely along the backs of his calves. They rose just below his knees which were connected to leanly powerful thighs… and connected to that scrumptious… DAMN IT.
What the hell was in this egg nog? Tonks sniffed her mug suspiciously before discarding it (see: watering the poinsetta). Chastising herself, she tried valiantly to keep her interest above his belt equator. His shirt with its mandarin collar was starched militantly as per usual. Only his billowy friend was missing. She had seen him practically bare but there was nothing so illicit so untouchably forbidding as those buttons. So many buttons everywhere… she wondered what he would look like with some of them undone. What would the man do if someone undid said buttons? They looked biteable like licorice mints. It would be an intriguing challenge to undo such buttons with a whispered spell, with trembling fingers… with eager teeth. Would they tinkle satisfyingly as they spilled to the floor?
Professor Flitwick kindly handed her another mug of eggnog as she appeared flushed and in need of refreshment. Without thinking she swigged it down, dribbling some on her robes in distraction. Severus caught her peeking. Swiftly she dropped to her knees as if she sloshed some drink on the floor. Flitwick handed her a cloth before rushing away to investigate a crashing sound outside the hall. He muttered something about needing more handkerchiefs for Christmas.
Shyly from behind a pillar, she watched Snape and Vector arrange benches according to Madam Hooch's precise instructions. She could tell he was biting back a few scathing retorts as Hooch gestured impatiently on their exact locations. The moment the grizzled quidditch harpy's back was turned, he flicked his wand and they moved back to the spots he had chosen. When Rolanda returned cushions, they pretended to strain themselves with a levitating bench. Apparently Snape didn't agree with Dumbledore's request that they do things the muggle way.
By his triumphant smirk, she could tell he seemed pretty pleased with his deception until Vector kept pushing the bench more forcefully than required. Blaine was too busy showing off for an admiring Aurora to notice that he knocked over Snape until he tripped over the seething man's prone body. Having lost control of the spell, the bench floated towards the ceiling. Hooch incinerated the seating chart in disgust before abandoning the overgrown bat and the gangly ostrich she called coworkers.
Clumsy today are we? Stifling a snicker, Tonks hid within the curtained confines of a convenient table. After such strenuous work, she decided that she was deserving of a break. It was gratifying to see someone who prided himself on his stealthy and predatorial grace, get knocked flat on his … (oh wait I vowed not to think about that). He looked livid as onlookers laughed. Vector looked foolishly apologetic as Snape denounced him as a 'bumbling oaf' before stalking away towards… her table.
"Enjoying yourself at my expense, I see." The vast tundra of his accusal struck her unawares in a cloud of parting curtains. They sealed abruptly behind the glowering intruder with a disdainful wand flick.
"Excuse me for wanting a bit of privacy and a spot of nog. If I had known that there would be entertainment I would have brought popcorn and chocolate frogs." She taunted defensively.
"Am I merely your amusement?" His expression hardened into inscrutable stone. Instinctively she stood up and backed away into a veiled wall. Nice going auror, those lessons in knowing your environment and identifying the exits paid off.
"It's not my fault that Vector keeps his brains in his trousers. Both of you should have been paying more attention when moving furniture instead of mucking about." Instantly she regretted her criticism as he sauntered closer. Show no fear.
"That is not what I speak of." The hypnotic timbre of his words dropped a few octaves. She flinched as he lunged at her with the speed of a cobra striking its victim.
Frantically she pondered her flippantly disrespectful behavior towards him over the past few weeks. Her waspish commentary to him and about him sprang to mind. She knew he was a dangerous and vengeful man. Detention was the least of her worries.
"What are you blathering about?" Defiantly she wrestled from his grasp but he subdued her expertly against the wall. The edged lines of his face rippled with intensity.
"Buttons… indeed." The gravelly syllables resounded against the column of her throat… low and primitive. There was a staccato rhythm drumming frenetically against her ribcage. She was uncertain if the pulse of her captured wrists betrayed fear or arousal.
Sodding legilimens! HE KNEW! Must think innocent thoughts… ducklings, puffy clouds, marigolds, and strawberry jam (NO not jam!). Tonks envisioned these things as a mantra against the devil himself. The gears of time halted as those granite eyes poured into her skull. The man must be part basilisk to render her a living statue. Speech deprived, she could scarcely form thoughts let alone utter them. His proximity was a prison of movement, the magma between them on the verge of eruption… unbearable, consuming but irresistable.
Sweet mother of Merlin she could account for every inch of taut wiry wizard in those painted on breeches. Only his stubble laced jaw was scant centimeters from her cheek as if waiting for her initial contact. The flare of nostrils inhaling and exhaling feathered his shadow soaked hair into her periphery.
"You presume too much." Moistening desert lips Nymphadora leaned brazenly into his ear as if imparting a confidence. His grip lessened, one splayed hand trailing up along the wall as if tracing a sensuous outline of her silhouette. Teasing wretch. He toyed with her deliberately and without conscience.
"Do I?" Severus twirled a strand of brightening fuschia hair between languidly possessive fingers before pushing it away from her chin.
His arrogance was maddening (his cold blooded control equally so). Cocky bastard! Vaguely she pondered if a well aimed slap would cure his countenance of that self assured smirk. If he failed to release her soon, she would perform her experiment enthusiastically and repeatedly.
"Stop flattering yourself." Cruelly she snapped her teeth together as if to take a bite at his jugular. Using his hesitation, she untangled herself from his grasp and fled.
Minutes after Snape regained his composure, he stormed away from the scene of his pathetic seduction. All eyes rivetted towards his mercurial behaviour. His scowl was venomous as he straightened his cuffs with an elegant economy of motion. Without warning he blasted the benches into place, the vehemence of purpose stunned the Great Hall to dumbness. Hooch dared not gainsay him nor did Vector attempt to assist him.
"Well that went better than expected." Emmeline's optimism was tinged with sarcasm.
"Did I not warn them against drinking the eggnog?" Aurora sighed.
"I thought you said it was the cider." Charity looked at her friend suspiciously.
"So I did." Aurora corrected herself blandly.
Conspirational glances were exchanged between Hooch, Poppy and McGonagall unnoticed by the younger trio. Vector thrust ten galleons into the triuphant hand of Flitwick.. Mr. Billowy sweptaround Snape's shoulders like a villainous persona to signify his departure from the Yuletide purgatory. Unbeknownst to the broody professor, his cloak displayed the vandalism of sticky white (auror sized) handprints.
"Payback's a witch isn't it?" Sirius remarked a he spiked the eggnog with the contents of a leather flask.
A/N: When in doubt, blame the pixies…
Breathe Again by State of Shock - First Time by Finger Eleven
You Walk Away by Filter - Stop and Say You Love Me by Evans Blue
Black Black Heart by David Usher - Right Here In My Arms by HIM
Trip by Hedley - Away by Breaking Benjamin - You Lied by Tool
Change By Deftones - Fallen by 30 Seconds to Mars
What Do I Have to Do by Stabbing Westward