Chapter 20

"It feels weird to do this…" Abby said as she round the Christmas tree with garland.

"Do what? Decorate the tree?" Alex asked her and she nodded "You've never done this before?"

"Yes. But it was just mom and I most of the time" she said. "What if I forget about her? I don't want to"

"Hey…" Alex said softly approaching her and embracing her body on his arms "You won't forget her. I won't let you forget her. I promise."

"Okay…" She said and let go of him breaking their embrace "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything you want"

"Remember a couple of nights ago when Jo… um… left?" she asked and he nodded, wrinkled his brows not understanding what she was trying to ask "Well… I don't think you noticed but…" she took her eyes away from his and looked down on the floor.

"What is it, Abby? You can ask."

"Remember when I came back after Mom died and told you that Jo had yelled at me because I was running down the stairs and she thought I was Camilla?"

"You are confusing me here, kiddo"

"You did it too" she said quickly "You called me Camilla too, Dad…" she said and walked to the couch to sit down on it.

"I'm sorry…" he said walking to sit next to her "I didn't mean to… I'm so sorry"

"Do you wish I was her?" she asked and when she didn't get an answer from him, she lifted her head to look at him. Alex was looking straight ahead pondering how to say what he wanted to say without hurting her, deep down he knew that the answer for that question was no. But there were those times were he wished she was Camilla. Not for the fact that he didn't love her as his child but for the fact that she was there.

"Listen," he said after turning to face Abigail "Is not that I wish you were her, okay? It's just that…um… Look," he said grabbing both of her hands and holding them in his "The day your sister was born was one of the scariest and happiest days of my life. I held her for the first time and I realized that I had this little tiny human in my hands that I was supposed to protect but I had no idea how to. I was so afraid for her. I was afraid I wouldn't know what her cries meant or that I wouldn't know how to connect with her. I was afraid of her first heartbreak, I was afraid I would fail her or that wouldn't be a good father to her. I didn't know the first thing about being her dad, even though I was my brother and sister's dad I had no idea how to be a dad to her at that moment. I thought of the day that she would hate me just for being her dad, or because I would be so overprotective or just wouldn't like her boyfriend or group of friends. I didn't know but I still promised her that I would protect her from all of that and that no matter what I would always be there for her because I loved that baby with every single bone of my body. I didn't get to do any of that with you… I didn't get to hold you as baby or watch you take your first steps, hear your first word… and I've been getting to know you for the last nine months and it is just still a little bit hard because you remind me so much of her. Your nose, it… it wrinkles when you force yourself not to cry because you don't want people to see you cry even though all you just want to is flat out cry. You are very independent… Even when it's clear that you need help, you still say you don't need it because you want to do everything by yourself. You can hardly keep your eyes open when you are laughing and when you smile… your left cheek goes a litter higher than your right and your left eye closes more than your right… See that right there" he said when she smiled "And she does all of that too. You two are so much alike and that makes it a little hard on me but that doesn't mean that I don't love you or that I wish she was here instead of you. You are my baby too. I would go to the end of the world for you. I don't wish you were Camilla, okay? I just wish I had my two babies here with me, okay?" he said and she nodded. Alex let go of her hands and opened his arms as an invitation for a hug "I love you, okay kiddo?" he said and felt her nodding against his chest and then kissed the top of her head.

"I wish I knew earlier" she said after a little "That way I could have brought her home that day"

"I don't want you thinking like that. It wasn't your fault"

"Okay…" she whispered "Do you think we will ever find her?" she said and lifted her head up from his chest.

"Yes… I'll find her myself"

"Is Jo coming back?"

"Honestly I don't know? Maybe she will"

"She is a little mean to me sometimes but I know she doesn't mean to…"

"I'm sorry…" Alex said and then sighed "She just has her heart somewhere else now."

"I like her though" she said with a tired voice "I didn't apologize to her for" she got interrupted by her own yawn "For yelling at her"

"Come on, let's go to bed" Alex said when he noticed that her eyes were closed and her breathing was becoming steady

"I'm not sleepy…" she protested. Of course you're not Alex thought. He didn't say anything else, he just pulled her closer to him and started playing with her hair until he closed his eyes and started falling asleep as well. He didn't stay asleep for long because the noise of the front door closing woke him up.

"Hey…" Jo said softly "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up… I'm just gonna grab some stuff and go" she said and started walking to the stairs.

"Wait." Alex said trying to get up but Abby's head on his lap didn't let him.

"No. Alex please… just go back to sleep and let me do this, okay?" she pleaded him and turned back to go upstairs this time. Alex stayed on the couch pondering if he should or not go upstairs after her. It hadn't passed to much time but for him it had been an eternity since she had gone to their bedroom, so he got up and picked Abby up to put her to bed. He went upstairs with Abby, putt her to bed gave her a kiss goodnight and then went into their bedroom. Jo wasn't there when he entered but since the bathroom light was on he assumed she was in the bathroom.

"Alex!" she said stopping in her tracks her put her hand on her chest "Are you trying to kill me?"

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to scare you… I just…" he shook his head "Can we talk?"

"We don't have anything to talk about and I have to… um… I have to go" she said hurrying to grab her stuff so she could leave as quickly as possible.

"We do…" he whispered searching for her eyes that had dropped to the floor.

"No we don't…" she said and tried to pass by him but he grabbed one of her arms "Can you let me go? Please…" she said with tears lining the rims of her eyes

"No. Hey, look…" Alex said holding both of Jo's hands in his. He looked into Jo's eyes and the words he was going to say to her suddenly went away. When he looked in her eyes he realized that he hadn't done that in a while, he hadn't looked into her eyes in a long time. He hadn't felt that connection in what seemed ages. He felt as if he had been avoiding looking at them and he admitted to himself that he had. He had used work to avoid being home just as Jo used to do everything she could in order to not stay there. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, filled with sorrow, loneliness and desperation. His eyes wandered form her eyes to her lips and then back to her eyes. He knew what she her eyes were saying. She was sorry to. He wasn't ready to let her go. Not yet. They still could make it work. He felt the sudden urge to kiss her, he looked back to her lips and then into her eyes once again and he knew she wanted to do that to. He let go of her left hand and brought his right to touch her face. His fingers wandered from her cheeks to her chin. He then let go of her other hand and placed his hand on her right cheek and caressed it. They locked their eyes on each other before Alex lowered his head and Jo lifted hers. Their lips met in a pain filled kiss. They told how much they missed each other and how sorry they were in their kiss. Alex's lips told her how sorry he was for not being there for her and hers told him how sorry she was that they couldn't fix that. She wished they could go back to the time when they were happy, when love was all they needed and they were far from the end. She wished this didn't have to end up that way. She wished there was another way to make this work.

They parted and stared at each other's teary eyes. Alex understood what she was trying to say but he didn't want her to say it out loud because if she didn't say it out loud it wouldn't have to go that way.

"I'm so sorry, Alex…" Jo said after she saw a single tear falling from his right eye "I'm so, so sorry" she said crying.

"I know I said I couldn't do this anymore a couple of nights ago, Jo. But we still can. We still can make this work…" he said and she just shook her head "We can go to… We can go to couple counseling or something like that… Stop saying no, let's just try this… please, Jo."

"I just need a break from all of this Alex. I can't stand being here… I can't"

"Then we will move out… we'll find a new home and start again." He said desperate "We can even leave Seattle. Let's go somewhere new"

"I can't do this… Not now. I need a break, baby…"

"You need a break but you want an out, Jo. Don't you see it?" he said and lifted her chin up so he could look into her eyes that had gone to the floor once again "I love you"

"I love you too… but just loving you is not enough… not anymore. And this is for the best, Alex"

"There's no good in goodbye" Alex sniffed and said.

"There is this time…"

"So this is it?" he asked and she nodded "Jo… Please"

"I can't… I'm so sorry… I can't"

"We are supposed to be each other's family… We are supposed to be together forever."

"I never thought we would be here either… I love you more than you will ever know but there's this part of me that has died and there's only one person that can revive it. I have tried, Alex. You tried to revive it but you couldn't. Look at me, please," Jo said grabbing his chin "I will always love you, Alex" she said and Alex closed his eyes and tears of frustration fell from his eyes.

"Just go, Jo"

"Can I hug you?" She said and looked at his still closed eyes. She put her arms around his neck and squeezed it "Alex, please…" he then surrendered and hugged her back. She took her head from his shoulder and placed both of her hands on his cheek and gave him one last kiss.

"I will always love you too." he said against her lips.

"Goodbye…"