Chapter Three: I Promise

. . .

Clint wanted to make this as quick and painless as possible so he quietly stood up and decided to just make coffee for Matt and Bucky before he slipped his shoes on. He had just turned to head towards the door when he heard footsteps behind him.

Crap. He had been seen.

He let his hand drop from the door and turned around to see James Barnes walking towards him. Clint smirked slightly at the man's messy bedhead before he felt arms embrace him now in a meaningful hug. He hugged Bucky back and patted him reassuringly.

"It'll be okay. You'll be okay… and if you're not, you can always call me or tell Matt, and he'll call me," Clint patted him again before he gently released himself from the embrace.

He searched Bucky's face and seeing the sadness in his eyes made him want to forget about leaving at all, but Matt was right; he needed to do this, for both their sakes. He couldn't help his friend until he helped himself.

"I'll see you soon?"

God, the question in his voice made him sick with himself.

He nodded firmly. "Yeah, of course. I'll visit here and you can always come visit me," After several moments, he also added, "Behave for Matt. He may not be your friend yet, but he's mine, and he's always been there for me. Help him out whenever he lets you."

Bucky nodded obediently now before he turned back around. There was a part of Clint that wanted to stop him but knew better. He'd never get out of here if he didn't leave right now.

He finally opened the door and forced himself to walk quickly, never stopping until he eventually made it to his apartment in Bed-Stuy. Once he arrived inside, he already cringed at how quiet it was without his friend. Usually Bucky would have the television on.

Clint tapped his fingers on the counter anxiously before finally deciding on making coffee for himself. He swallowed hard, waiting impatiently as he watched it dripped into the pot.

You're a screw up.

You can't even help the kid because of your own personal demons.

You're pathetic.

Clint ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes tight, trying to will out the voice in his head that told him he wasn't good enough. That voice that had his father's voice. The voice that haunted him constantly.

He suddenly walked into the living room and flicked the TV on before he walked back into the kitchen, calmed down a little bit at the sound of background noise.

How was he going to do this?

He then felt a vibration in his pocket and took it out quickly, his heart sinking when he did not see Matt's name, but felt hope rise in his chest when he saw his other friend's name.

Nat – 1 message

He opened up the message and read it:

Hey, up for some lunch or maybe a drink?

He smiled to himself before writing back:

Come by my place for some coffee. I just brewed it. Then, as an afterthought, he wrote: I could use some company.

MESSAGE SENT.

Clint sighed to himself, wondering where exactly she was. Not that it mattered, of course. She was coming here to see him and he wouldn't feel so alone anymore. It felt like hours but it was probably only half of one when he heard a knock at the door.

He walked over and opened it before he was greeted with a firm hug. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed her in. "It's good to see you too…"

She chuckled and finally unglued herself from him before walking inside his apartment. He closed the door and then chewed on his lip. "Help yourself to the coffee. Literally just made it."

"So you said."

Natasha reached up in the cupboard and pulled down two mugs before adding the sugar and pouring the coffee into each cup.

"So how are you holding up?"

Clint sat on the opposite side of the table and sighed. "Not so good, Nat. I've been having nightmares just about nonstop and earlier yesterday, I just froze and I… I panicked."

She glanced up at him with a worried expression on her face now and placed her hands around her cup. "What do you mean? What happened?"

Clint hated having to relay all this once again to someone but he knew that he needed to get her on his level. "It was my fault but… Bucky and I got into it yesterday morning, and he ran off. I pretty much stood there like a fucking idiot and I just… fell to the floor, frozen. My mind shut off and all I could think of was how badly I screwed up. He went off to Matt's place…"

She visibly tensed now. "Wait, he went to Matt's by himself? Did any Hydra see him or anything?"

Clint opened his hands and shrugged in unsureness. "I don't know. He didn't tell me if he was being watched at any point but I'm guessing he just took a cap the whole way there. He's only been there twice but he knew how to get there. If Hydra did see him, he wouldn't have ever made it to Manhattan. They would have just taken him right there on the spot, so… I don't think anyone saw him. By the way, I'm so glad you're concerned about me…"

She searched his face. "I am concerned about you, Clint. You know that. I always am. For the record, I was going to ask about you next. It's normal to do those kinds of things in difficult situations you weren't prepared for. You froze because you know what can go wrong, and you didn't know how to deal with the sudden change. It's okay, Clint."

"No, Nat," Clint shook his head, disappointed in himself. "It's not okay. I react instinctively during every mission we go on. I don't have time to freeze. There are other lives on the line, and I just can't keep freezing up like that. It'll get people killed."

She looked at him sympathetically and then took a sip of her coffee. She bit her bottom lip before she spoke again.

"It's okay to freeze when lives are not on the line. Bucky's not a complete idiot. He knows that Hydra will always be out there looking for him. No matter how upset he was, he wouldn't have stormed out if he thought he was in danger."

Clint sighed and clenched his jaw. "His life was on the line, and his panic attacks revolve around Hydra being out there looking for him. He only believed that he wasn't in danger because I've been telling that to him over and over during his attacks."

"Okay, so… then you're the idiot then," Nat replied simply, but was trying to ease the tension.

He groaned and then rested his head on the counter, his hands over his head. He just wanted to crawl up in the fetal position. He wasn't exactly regretting having let her in, but it was more of him not wanting to deal with something being his fault again.

"It's the only thing that calms him down," Clint murmured into the small table. "I just wanted to help him."

Natasha gently petted his blond hair. "I know. I get that, Barton, but if you tell Bucky that he's as safe out there as he thought he was, then he won't storm out again… or at least you'll have time to stop him next time. Where is he, anyway?"

Clint forced himself to sit upright again and took a long sip of his coffee.

"Manhattan…"

Natasha's eyes widened a bit in surprise. "He's with Matt still? Is this some bonding thing you're trying out or are you giving him up for adoption?"

Clint scratched his chin where blond whiskers were starting to appear.

"Matt and I talked and we came to the conclusion that I need to help myself first before I can help Bucky. I can't take care of him if I'm frozen to the floor in fear."

"Nice alliteration," Natasha teased.

Clint smirked slightly. "Shut up. This is serious, Nat. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so fucking lonely, just like I was before he showed up on my doorstep."

"Well, thanks. Not like I've known you for six years or anything…"

The archer shook his head. "I've been lonely my entire life, Natasha. You can be around people and still feel lonely. It's nothing on you. I mean, I know that all you've done is try to help me. Now that Bucky's over at Murdoch's place, my apartment is so quiet. It hasn't even been a full hour yet and the quiet almost drove me insane. I am not kidding when I say I was on the brink of tears."

Natasha took another sip of her coffee.

"Are you asking me to be your roommate?"

Clint shrugged. "Sort of. I mean, just until I'm okay enough to have Barnes back here again."

"So… you want me to be your roommate who also deals with your heavy baggage as well," Nat said pointedly, raising her eyebrows.

"I understand if it's too much for you. You've helped me so much and I don't expect –"

Natasha placed a gentle hand on his.

"Don't be stupid. Of course I'm going to help you, Clint. I'm not just going to be around when things are great for you. You're my best friend and I'm not just going to leave you to rot in your own personal hell."

Clint felt himself let out a breath of relief. "Thanks, Nat…"

"Of course. I've been dying to clean this place up anyway."

He shook his head and took a drink of his now lukewarm coffee. "You're hilarious. Don't think for one moment that you're going to go all domestic on my apartment. It took me years to get it this way…"

"This way? What way is that, messy and cluttered?"

Clint did his best to look offended but it ended up with him smirking playfully. "I think the correct term you're looking for is cozy."

Natasha smirked back and the two of them sat in a comfortable silence, both friends sipping on their coffee. When they were both done, Natasha told Clint to go take a nap while she cleaned up the place (only a little!). He reluctantly obliged and then headed towards his bedroom. He lay on the bed and took his hearing aids out before setting them on the table, along with his phone.

Just a short nap, and then he'd be good to go again. Maybe he'd even call Bucky up and talk for a bit. He closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

"Why won't you stay, Clint?"

A fifteen-year-old Clint Barton looked down at his younger brother. He hesitated and then shook his head.

"I just can't, Barn. I don't like it here. I don't feel safe."

"You're safer here than at Dad's…"

Clint looked down at his muddy shoes and toyed with the half broken hearing aid in his ear. "Who said I'm going back to Dad's? I'd never go back there after what he did. Don't be stupid."

His brother Barney looked down at his own shoes now, his face full of shame now. Clint looked around to make sure they weren't being watched before he hugged his brother and then knelt down to meet his eyes.

"Look, I just have to do it. You're safe here so don't leave unless you absolutely have to. Behave for them and just tell them that I ran off but you don't know where, okay?"

He watched as Barney nodded obediently now and then hugged Clint tightly.

"It'll be okay. This isn't forever. I'll come back for you, I promise."

Clint awoke with a start, breathing heavily. He picked up his phone and saw that nearly four hours had passed. He tried to relax but his heart was racing inside his chest and felt sweat matting his forehead. He rubbed his eyes with his palms now and tried to control his breathing but he was finding it difficult.

He sat up now and felt the vibration in his body as he tried to take a breath, the thoughts of how he abandoned his brother still swirling around in his mind, making new holes in his lungs with every passing minute.

Great, he could help Bucky come down from his panic attacks but he couldn't take his own advice to help himself.

How typical.

He clenched his hands into tight fists, feeling at a loss of what to do. He took gasping breaths and he felt tears running down from the sides of his eyes.

Fuck.

Not right now.

Way to be a man, Clint.

Of course it was right at this moment when he saw Natasha peeking her head inside, apparently deciding to check on him. She pushed her whole body through the door when she saw Clint's current state. After glancing to the bedside table, she began to sign with her hands when she sat on the bed in front of him.

\ You're okay. Deep breaths /

He tried to just focus on her signing but he felt like his lungs were about to burst. He shook his head now and started to sign sloppily through his tears:

\ Can't /

She shook her head, refusing to accept this.

\ You can. You need to. Breathe, Clint /

He tried to focus through his blind panic. He closed his eyes now and inhaled through his nose for five seconds before exhaling through his mouth for seven. If Bucky could do this, so could he. He didn't have a choice; he had to do it if he didn't want to end up in the hospital. There was nothing more embarrassing than going to the hospital for a panic attack that he could eventually get under control at home.

He did this for several minutes, his body shaking, and then opened his eyes to look at Natasha.

She smiled in encouragement and nodded for him to keep going before signing:

\ Good. Keep doing that. You're doing so good. /

He continued the breathing exercises until he could feel his lungs inflate with oxygen again. He leaned down and placed his hands on his knees. He could feel her eyes watching him with gentle observation and felt her place her hand on his arm.

Finally, sick of signing back and forth, he shoved his hearing aids back into his ears and then sighed heavily. "Thank you, Natasha."

"You don't need to thank me, Clint," she smiled warmly before she held his hand in hers. "So what caused it this time?"

He half shrugged and was quiet for a long time, looking down at his shaking hands.

"My brother… I-I told him the same thing I told Bucky before I left him at the circus. I told him that… t-that I promised. I looked him in the eye and promised him…" Clint forced himself to meet her eyes.

She looked at him gently. "This isn't like that. You were being abused, Clint. You were doing what was best for both of you back then. There was no way you could've found your brother again. You were just a teenager. Bucky isn't states away. He's thirty-five minutes away. This is different, and you're going to bring him back. He's safe there with Matt."

He expected her to say something like this but it helped to hear it said aloud. He couldn't have gotten his brother back, she was right; he was just a teenager. He was trying to emancipate himself and find shelter and food. All he wanted to do was feel safe back then.

"I just don't want to let him down like I let my brother down. Barney expected to see me again. I can't imagine what it was like to be watching out the window every day for me and not see me coming back, and eventually give up hope," Clint rubbed his eyes.

She let go of his hand and then wrapped her arms around him. He didn't want to talk about this anymore so he embraced her as well and breathed her in. She smelled like coffee and Lysol, but he didn't care. She was here for him, which was more than he could say for the other Avengers. Of course, no one else knew what he was going through right now.

"Has anyone asked about Bucky?" he asked in almost a whisper.

She let go of him now and shook her head. "No, I guess they just assume you have it under control. Plus, Stark knows I'm here now."

He raised an eyebrow. "Did you tell him you were coming here?"

She shrugged. "I was with him when you called. He asked where I was going and I figured if something happened to me on the way here, it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to know where I was on my way to. Is that a problem?" Her tone was teasing.

He shook his head, figuring maybe she was right. Then, he scratched the back of his neck, having second thoughts. "He's going to think that I can't handle Bucky by myself."

"He's not going to think that, Clint. He knows you're a big boy and that you can handle yourself. Stark can be an ass but he still has faith in you," Natasha ruffled his hair before she stood up and started picking up around his room.

"No, come on, Nat… not right now. Not here. This is my room. It's sacred ground…"

"Well sacred ground could use a wash. Where's your washer again?"

"Downstairs, in the basement."

Natasha shoved his clothes into a hamper, thinking nothing of it, before she picked it up and carried it out of his bedroom. He was amazed at how much cleaner his room looked. He watched her leave with it and then stood up on shaky legs before he walked into the room he had let Bucky claim as his own when he first got here.

It was neater than his own room and smelled like the same annoying cologne Bucky had picked out his first week at Clint's apartment. He sat on the bed and looked around, feeling empty and sad at how empty the room was without his friend.

He would pull himself together and he would make sure that he could take care of Barnes. He didn't know how he was going to do it, but he would do what he didn't do before. Clint Barton was going to keep his promise.