Chapter Five: Codependence

. . .

He looked back and forth between his parents as they yelled each other, or rather, he watched as his father screamed at his mother who was crying.

At least he didn't have to hear either of those noises.

He continued to eat his food, seeing his brother Barney occasionally glancing over at him with fearful eyes.

A few minutes later, Clint then felt a sharp tug as his father grabbed him by his shirt collar and threw him on the floor. He looked up, seeing his father's eyes full of rage and seeing his mouth move but not hearing anything that came out. He looked like an angry mime.

He then felt his brother grab his wrist and the two of them ran outside together.

Clint didn't have to hear the footsteps behind them to know that their father was following them out. Clint turned around in time to see his father strike Barney, and then he felt the blow from his father's fist as it collided with Clint's face, knocking him to the ground again.

This time, he could taste iron in his mouth.

Clint felt a hand shake him roughly and, half asleep, he reached up and grabbed his attacker's wrist before he opened his eyes to see Tony cringing in pain.

"Hey! Come on, Barton! I surrender…"

"Fucking Christ, Stark," Clint breathed out shakily before he let go of Tony's arm and sat up in bed, running his hands through his sweat matted hair. "What do you want?"

The genius straightened his shirt now and searched Clint's face worriedly. "I just came to tell you breakfast is ready when you are. I would've let you sleep in but you've already done that."

"What time is it?"

"Almost noon. Also, your phone's rang about five different times and I believe you've also got a number of texts as well," Tony remarked, nodding over to Clint's flashing phone.

The blonde haired archer glanced over at his phone and grabbed it before he saw that he did, in fact, have five missed calls and about nine texts as well. He waved Tony out of the bedroom before he shut the door and put his voicemail on speakerphone so he could get dressed while he listened.

First missed call:

"Hey… umm… this is Bucky…" click.

Second missed call:

"I dreamt about it again… being the Asset, working for Hydra. I-I can't stop shaking… when are you getting me out of here?"

Third missed call:

"I-It's me… again. Sorry I keep calling… I just… I don't like it here anymore. I want to come back home. NO! GET OUT!" click.

Clint's heart sank when he heard Bucky yell at probably Matt. He was buckling his belt up when he heard the last message:

"Matt's mad at me… he left." Long silence. "I'm sorry, Clint… whatever I did, I'm sorry. I want to come back home. Please…"

Clint's heart was breaking. He had done this; he had dumped Bucky on Matt's doorstep because he couldn't handle the responsibility on top of his own depression. He took a deep breath before he started to swipe through the texts he had received, all of them desperate pleas from Bucky.

What had he been doing when the kid had sent all of these? He had been sleeping.

He cursed himself before he erased all of them and then put on a fresh, deep purple t-shirt. Clint walked over to where his shoes were laying and started to put them on. Tony raised an eyebrow when he saw this and then walked over to him.

"Wait a minute, where are you going, Legolas? You haven't even eaten anything yet."

"No time. I need to go and pick up Bucky…"

Tony stiffened now and sighed, shaking his head disapprovingly. "You need to take care of yourself first, Barton. You need food and you need sleep, and you need to put yourself first before you can even think of Barnes. The kid will be fine without you –"

Clint turned to the inventor. "He's not fine without me! All those texts and calls were from him, Stark! He needs me. I need to be there for him…"

Tony gave him a hard look now.

"For him or for you?"

Clint rolled his eyes and shook his head before he took a deep breath. "Both, I guess. So… you can go back to your big giant building in the sky now. I'll be fine without you, believe it or not."

"I'm going to choose not to believe that, Barton. You're falling apart and you're codependence on that kid is… astounding, to say the least. You need help, and you need to let me in," Tony persisted.

Clint walked out into the kitchen and grabbed his sweatshirt before he opened the door and looked at the other man. "You're already in, Tony. Do me a favor and show yourself out, will you?"

He didn't wait for an answer before he stormed out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him. He climbed up the fire escape before he hopped roofs as far as he could and then took public transportation the rest of the way to Matt's apartment in Hell's Kitchen. He let out a sigh before he gently knocked on his door.

He heard a soft voice from inside before the door opened.

"Hello, Clint. What brings you around?"

Barton ran a hand through his hair. "I decided it's time to bring him back home…"

"Oh… well, come inside," Matt opened the door wider to let Clint in and waited for him to walk further inside before he spoke again. "It's only been a few days. Are you sure?"

"Positive," Clint replied instantly, looking around for Bucky. It didn't take long to find him.

He walked into the kitchen and saw Bucky drinking coffee. The man looked up at Clint with eager eyes but didn't get up. Great. He had taught him to not expect anything from him since he dumped him here. He walked over and sat down next to Bucky.

"I'll be in the shower, if you need me." Matt shuffled off towards his bedroom and Clint waited until the water turned on before he spoke to Bucky.

"Hey, man… how are you doing?"

He shrugged and then looked down into his coffee.

"I got your calls and texts. I'm really sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, but I'm here now. What happened? It sounded like you were having a difficult time, bud. Want to tell me what's going on?"

Bucky was quiet for a while before he cleared his throat softly. "I… I had a flashback, and… I tried to lock myself in the room and Matt was trying to open it. I-I didn't want to hurt him…"

Clint didn't want to tell him that it'd be a challenge to hurt Matt, so he didn't. Instead, he just nodded in understanding and looked at him. "I'm going to take you home, if you still want to come back with me."

"Yes," Bucky nodded eagerly. "I-I do… I want to stay at your place again. W-Whatever I did, I promise I-I won't do it again. I'll be good."

Clint felt his stomach clench uncomfortably. Jesus Christ, Bucky thought it was his fault. Like a kid who had misbehaved and then been dumped off at camp. He felt guilt rising inside of him again but he shook it away, needing to focus on the kid.

"It's not your fault, Buck. I know everything you've gone through and I know it can't be easy. I'm sorry I wasn't able to handle things like an adult before. I just… I'm going through my own ordeal," he sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Bucky didn't look like he understood completely but Clint saw him nod, most likely in acknowledgement that he had heard him. He became quiet again, making Clint continue.

"I promise it's not your fault, the things I'm dealing with. Umm… I told Tony Stark to leave, because he's been sort of taking care of me, but… I have a feeling he's still going to be there. Are you okay with that?"

Bucky seemed to think about this but then ended up just shrugging. Clint bit his lip anxiously, wanting to make Bucky's adjustment back home as painless as possible. He leaned forward now ad searched his face.

"Would you prefer if he didn't stay there?"

He could Bucky's jaw muscles clench and then unclench before he saw him look up at Clint.

"He's your friend… he can stay there if you want him to."

Clint leaned back in his chair and looked around the apartment before he looked back at his friend. "That's not what I asked. Personally, I could care less if he stayed, but I want you to be comfortable. Tony may be my friend, but you're my friend too, and in this case, you come first for me. I can talk to him and tell him to just… leave you alone if he stays with us. Would that be all right, man?"

Bucky thought for a moment and nodded finally.

"Good. I'm going to talk to Matt while you pack your things up. We'll leave whenever you're ready." He stood up and gave Bucky's shoulder a comforting rub before he walked towards Matt's room as Bucky went into the guest room to pack up his belongings.

When he got in there, he saw Matt stop momentarily and tilt his head to the side before his other friend spoke first.

"I think you're making a mistake, Clint," he said as he did up his belt.

"You know, I'm really getting tired of other people telling me how I'm making a mistake bringing him back home. It's my home, first of all. And anyway, it's my life, Matt. I'm allowed to do what I want to do with it and if this is a mistake, then so be it. At least it'll be mine to make," Clint shook his head in disgust with everything. "I can't believe that you sound like Stark right now."

Matt raised an eyebrow ever so slightly. "If Tony said the same thing, then maybe you should listen to us. We're just trying to help you."

"Here's the funny thing though – I never asked for it! I don't want anyone's help. All I want is to be with my friend in my shitty apartment. That's all I want…"

Matt sighed in frustration and then put on a white t-shirt before he moved over to Barton. He was looking at Clint's chest but it felt just as bad as if he were looking him in the eye.

"You guys always have a home here, if you need one. I just think it's too soon, for both of you. Bucky's still having flashbacks of being with Hydra, Clint –"

"He's going to have those no matter where he is! They don't go away. At least if I have a panic attack, I won't be alone when I have it…" Clint was about to turn away when he felt Matt reach out quickly and grab his arm firmly.

"You can't put all that on his shoulders, Clint. That's not fair. You're doing this because you think you can help each other but I really think you should reconsider what you're doing."

He broke free of the man's grip and turned to him, shaking his head.

"It's fine if you want to be all alone here, wallowing in your own issues by yourself. Fine, you're stronger than me, all right? Is that what you want to hear? You're stronger than me and you can handle shit better than I can! I can't be alone though. I can't do what you're doing!"

"No one's asking you to!"

Clint could feel his hands shaking now as his heart rate quickened. He was strongly fighting the urge to punch something, or someone.

"Yes they are! Everyone's asking me to be alone right now and I can't do it! I need someone else around! I don't want to deal with this shit alone!"

Matt place a gentle hand on Clint's shoulder but Clint pushed it back off defensively.

"Take a deep breath, man. It's going to be okay. Your friends, myself included, care about you. We just want what's best for you, Clint. We're not trying to tell you what to do. We just don't want to see you or James get hurt," Matt tried to reassure him.

Clint tried to breathe but he could feel his oxygen depleting too fast, as if someone had poked holes in his lungs. He rubbed his eyes with his palms and started to wheeze, trying to shake it off. He didn't want to have a panic attack right now; that would just prove Matt's point, and Tony's… that it really was too soon. He closed his eyes and started to pace, rubbing his hands on his thighs anxiously.

Matt moved over to him quickly, sensing the increase in his heartrate and his panic. He moved him over to the door and opened it, giving him an option to go outside of the room if he felt the need to. Instead, Clint sunk down onto the floor and put his head in his hands, trying to gain control of his breathing again.

After a few minutes, he heard Matt's voice again.

"Why do you need him so badly, Clint? You're a wreck, and so is he… you both need help separately. Being together in your place is a ticking time bomb. It's going to explode and you're both going to get the shrapnel from it."

"I-I don't care… I d-don't care. I just… I just want to be near h-him…"

Matt looked worriedly at his friend and placed a gentle hand on Clint's knee before he knelt down and rested his forehead against Clint's. "You care about him. I can understand that. You both want to make sure the other is okay, but… he can't help you like you can help him. Hydra made that virtually impossible for him. What happens if he has an episode and he hurts you while you're having one too? What happens then?"

Clint was rocking back and forth, nearly hyperventilating. He had always thought about this possibility but the thought itself made him panic. He took gasping breaths for several minutes, struggling to calm down again. He ran his fingers through his hair shakily and he heard footsteps outside the hall and knew that Bucky was ready and waiting for him. He forced himself up, feeling tired and dizzy, but he was at least somewhat coherent again.

"Clint, you really shouldn't leave like this. Please, stay here tonight and then go back home in the morning…"

"No, Matt. J-Just… leave me a-alone…" He growled as he walked over to Bucky and forced himself to display soft eyes again. "Ready to l-leave?"

Bucky nodded somewhat hesitantly but then followed Clint outside. The fresh air entered his lungs willingly and he already felt better. He hailed a cab with Bucky back to their apartment, eating the cab fare. It was better than trying to hop roofs with a recovering attack.

Clint wasn't surprised to see Tony still there when they entered and felt some satisfaction when he saw the inventor stiffen upon seeing Bucky with him. He led them into Bucky's room where the archer helped his friend unpack his things again, mostly in silence as he continued to try to recover from his panic attack earlier.

When they had finished, Bucky was sitting on the bed, his hands resting on his thighs. Clint walked over to him, eyeing him carefully.

"How are you feeling?"

Bucky bit his lip before he shrugged but then took a shaky breath. "Not good. Like I might have another episode. Maybe you should lock me in here tonight, Clint. For your own protection?"

Clint gave a half smile. "Locking you in here wouldn't do much good. You can probably rip the door off the hinges with that arm of yours…"

Bucky smirked a bit, which made Clint feel a bit better somehow. "Just try and relax for a while and I'll call you out for lunch. Take a nap or something, man."

Bucky didn't object but he also didn't move from his spot either as Clint walked out, shutting the door closed behind him as he walked out towards the living room where Tony was sitting uneasily.

"Something on your mind, dear?"

Tony stood up and looked at him in almost disbelief. "You are aware that Terminator in there can kill you the next time he flashes back to Hydra town, right? What you're doing is suicide."

"What is it that you think I'm doing exactly, Tony?"

The genius gave a humorless laugh, shaking his head. "You might not be familiar with the term, Barton, but it's called codependency and you have it in spades! You both are fueling each other's' self-destructive behaviors, whether you want to deny it or not. You're using him as an excuse to keep him here in an environment that isn't good for either of you!"

It was Clint's turn to shake his head. "Oh please, Stark… don't give me that bullshit. Codependency is for drug addicts. Bucky and I are not drug addicts. We've just both been through a lot. We've both been brainwashed, and we know how crippling that can be. We just understand each other, that's all it is. We're on the same page when everyone else is either chapters ahead of us or chapters behind us."

"I don't know what happened with your brother but I'm going to take a while guess and assume that all of this is related to that. I suppose you can also use the excuse of your old man beating up on you to explain how you are today, but… you can't run from each other. Not now…"

"What are you talking about, Stark? No one is running from each other!"

"I'm just saying, when the going gets rough, you can't walk out on him! He can't walk out on you! Neither of you are fit to be out there, alone! Only relying on each other and shutting the rest of us out is unhealthy!" Tony yelled in frustration, gesturing towards the door.

Clint started to pick up the living room area a little bit, putting books back on the shelves and folded up blankets.

"You'd know a lot about unhealthy, wouldn't you? Being scientifically codependent on Banner to talk him into making the Killbot 5000 and all… obviously you do have experience in that area."

Tony sighed heavily, still looking at Clint, his shoulders slumped in defeat. "I've never denied responsibility for what happened in Sokovia. I've said over and over again how that was my fault, and yes, we were scientifically codependent on each other. I had a belief, and my paranoia got the best of me; I admit that. This… is just as dangerous. What happens if he goes into Hydra mode and hurts you?"

"Then he hurts me," Clint shrugged. "I don't expect it never to happen. I know we both have our own issues, but… I know what can happen here, Stark. I haven't closed my mind off to it. If he hurts me, he hurts me. He had an episode, the episode will eventually end, and then we'll move on with life, just as we always have before."

"I'm staying here with you. I don't trust him… and I'm afraid if I leave, then nothing good will come from the two of you being here alone together," Tony replied simply.

"Fine, stay here… sleep on the couch, but if you are staying here, then leave him alone. Don't harass him, don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do, and just… stay away. Got it, Stark?" Clint looked up at him with serious eyes.

Tony looked apprehensive at first. "I won't intervene unless he has an episode."

Barton felt so tired. He was tired of negotiating and tired of fighting with everyone. He was tired of no one understanding him, no one except Bucky. He threw his arms up in the air. "Fine. Whatever… but until he does have an episode, you don't talk to him and you don't go near him or else I'm going to kick you out."

"Deal."

With that, Tony turned and headed into the kitchen to start making lunch for the three of them, and at this time, Clint was quickly found himself regretting agreeing to let him stay with them. This wasn't how it was supposed to be; he wanted it to just be him and Bucky, like it used to be. They found a strange comfort in each other that no one else could hold a candle to. It just felt comfortable.

As long as Stark stayed away from Bucky, he decided to give him a chance. This was still Clint's apartment, and Avengers or not, they were all just trying to survive. Anyway, it was better to stick together than to fight alone, right?

Right.