The next week Nick had to drop some files off at the ADA's office. It was the first time he had seen Rafael since they had left the bar, and he felt awkward. He knocked on the door and came in when Rafael called for him to enter, and handed him the files. He waited to see if the older man would say anything since they were alone. They probably did need to clear the air.
"Sit down, have a coffee before you go back to the precinct," Rafael suggested, heading towards the coffee maker, and refilling his own cup before pouring another one at Nick's nod. He passed the coffee to the detective, and then sat down next to him on the other chair facing his desk, rather than behind it. This confirmed to Nick that their conversation wasn't going to be work-related.
"I think we need to talk about what happened on Friday night," Rafael started. "We agreed that it never happened in LA, and that we worked together, so what's changed?"
Nick shrugged. "I don't know. After the way the case ended, and after a few drinks, I wanted to feel better."
Rafael relaxed into the chair. "I can understand that, but it's too risky, Nick. If we had been caught in that alley, it would have been both our jobs on the line, our reputations ruined. It can't happen again."
"Do you mean nothing can happen again, or nothing in public like that can happen again?" Nick asked.
Rafael took a sip of his drink while he thought how to answer. "You're the one who wanted to pretend nothing happened between us, and who rushed to leave my hotel room. Are you saying now that you don't want to forget it?"
Nick looked out of the window. He didn't want to face Rafael. "I don't know what I want to be honest. I do know that I can't stop thinking about what happened though, and I think I want more."
Rafael sighed. "I really am not into one night stands, despite what it probably looks like. They are fine when it's with someone you don't know, who you won't see again, but when it's someone you do know, it causes problems. With us working together there are even more issues to consider. Even talking about it at work is a bad idea. You need to think about it and decide what you really want. I won't do anything with you in public again, but if you do decide you want something more between us, I'm sure you can find out where I live easily enough." When Nick didn't respond straight away, Rafael got up and went to sit behind his desk again, and picked up the file Nick had brought and opened it.
Nick finished the coffee and stood up, and looked at the ADA for a few seconds before leaving. He had some thinking to do.
Nick spent the next few days thinking about what Rafael had said. There were three options open to them; they stop everything and leave their relationship work only. That was the least risky option, but not one that appealed. Although Nick didn't know exactly what he wanted, he had already told Rafael that he wanted more than they currently had. The second option was to be fuck-buddies, having a series of one night stands, which was essentially what they were doing now. But Rafael had said he didn't want that, and to be honest, neither did Nick. His relationship with Amanda had been that, or 'friends with benefits', as they were already friends before they had gotten involved. But with that type of non-relationship, Nick had found that there was definitely a lack of communication which led to misunderstandings, and when they worked together closely, the eventual break-up had caused problems between them.
The third but altogether most risky option was to start a relationship; a proper relationship. Surprisingly, that was the option that was appealing to Nick the most. He had never before even considered getting involved with a man, as he had only ever had one night stands with his own sex, saving the relationships for women. Coming out to anyone had never been an option either, as there were still prejudices in law enforcement. It wasn't as if they would be out if they did get involved though, as Rafael was very much in the closet, especially where work was concerned. He really didn't know Rafael well enough to tell if anything between them, other than sex, would work. But he wanted to find out.
He had quite a few regrets in his life of things he hadn't done, and had decided some time ago to make the most of his opportunities. Better to regret the things he did than regret the things he didn't. That went for relationships too. He didn't want to turn his back on a relationship with Rafael, just because he was a man, without exploring the possibilities. Maybe they could take it slowly and go on a few dates to figure out if they actually had anything in common, and were compatible in any ways other than in the bedroom. Nick decided that was what he wanted.
But what did Rafael want? Nick really didn't know. He thought back and realized that so far, all their encounters had been initiated by Nick, and he had made all the decisions. He had approached Rafael at the club, even though he didn't know who it was at the time. At the hotel Rafael had given his room number and left it up to Nick if he decided to come up to the room or not, and even if he would stay the night or not. At the bar it was Nick who made the first move. And now he had left it to Nick to decide what would happen between them and get in touch when he made his decision.
Rafael had never stated what he wanted. This was very unlike the confident, decisive ADA he was used to, who would order people around without hesitation. It appeared he was different in his personal life. Nick remembered what he had said about being hurt, and realized that he wasn't at all confident, and was protecting himself from rejection by letting Nick make all the moves. He was fascinated by the contrast he had seen, even so far, between ADA Barba, and Rafael. It was almost as if they were different people. It made Nick more determined to get to know Rafael better, and not base his decisions on what he knew of the man from work. He also wanted to know what Rafael wanted from him.
A few discrete enquiries easily gave Nick Rafael's home address. Now all he had to do was pick the right day and time. The next few evenings Nick was working late himself, and on the one night he did manage to get away on time, he overheard Liv talking on the phone to Rafael and gathered that he was going to be at a benefit that night, representing the DA's office. So that evening was out too. But the next evening, Nick left work and after a quick bite to eat, headed over to the ADA's home.
Rafael looked very surprised when he answered the door and saw the detective stood there. He smiled at Nick and invited him in, and then offered him a drink. Nick accepted, and looked round, noting the expensive décor and tidiness of the apartment, and enjoying the back view of Rafael in jeans and a sweatshirt as he fixed Nick a whiskey.
Rafael headed back to the lounge area and took a seat opposite Nick. He had not expected that Nick would come round, but that he would decide to give up on Rafael now that the option of fuck-buddies was off the table. Of course that could be why Nick was here, but he didn't need to come round if that was all he wanted to say.
They sat in silence for a minute while Nick sipped his drink, but Rafael was impatient. "So, you've surprised me by coming round here Nick. I assume you've decided what you want, like I suggested."
Nick smiled. "Yes I've given it a lot of thought and have made a decision."
Rafael looked expectantly at him, but then realized that Nick wasn't going to say what his decision was until Rafael asked him. "What have you decided, then?"
"Before I tell you that, I want to know something from you. You've left all the moves to me; let me make all the decisions. So I want to know what you want, Rafael." Nick watched Rafael, seeing him swallow nervously, and look away.
"Why do you want to know? You've made your decision, so will anything I say make a difference?"
Nick laughed. "Answering a question with another one; very good deflection. It won't work though. If we both want different things, then yes it would make a difference to what happens next, if anything. But I still want an answer. What do you want?"
Rafael swigged the remainder of the whiskey in his glass and went over to the kitchen and got a refill. Nick watched him, noting his body language which was so different from what he was used to seeing from the ADA. He couldn't put off the question for long though, and when he realized that Nick wasn't going to speak, but was waiting for his answer, he gave in.
"I can tell you what I don't want. What I don't want is to be an experiment because you want to find out more about gay sex, or to be a dalliance for you until some beautiful woman comes along and sweeps you off your feet. I don't want to be just a distraction when you've had a bad day, or a way to scratch an itch or because you're feeling horny and want to get laid." Rafael was standing looking out of his picture window at the twinkling lights of Manhatton as he said this, not making eye contact with Nick at all.
Nick could feel his anger growing with every word that came out of Rafael's mouth. But he stopped himself before he spoke and took a deep breath. He looked at Rafael and saw his defensive posture, the way his arms were crossed over his chest and he was avoiding looking at Nick. He listened to his tone of voice, and tried to ignore the words. He realized that although Rafael was trying to provoke him into an argument, that he was actually acting the opposite of when they had argued at work. Then Rafael was in his face, glaring at him, making eye contact. This was the opposite. Despite the words he was saying, when Nick looked at all the evidence from Rafael's body language, he could read something different.
Rafael was scared of being hurt again. He was pushing Nick away before he could reject him. He was protecting himself. He considered that Rafael didn't doubt that Nick would be faithful or take a relationship between them seriously, but instead doubted if he would be enough to keep Nick interested. He thought that a woman would be able to offer Nick more than he could. Despite ADA Barba being full of confidence, Rafael was the opposite.
Nick got up, and saw the flinch on Rafael's face as he heard the movement. He walked up to Rafael who was still looking in the opposite direction, and put both arms around the tense man, resting his chin on his shoulder. "Stop trying to push me away," Nick murmured. "It's not working." He felt the deep breath Rafael took and felt a slight easing in the tenseness he could feel in the other man. "Do you really think that if I wasn't interested, if I was going to reject you, that I would have come here tonight? I've thought about it, and I want to get to know you better, date you, and find out if we are compatible, and have anything in common. I think that's what you want too. If you didn't want anything from me, you never would have suggested I come round here, or think about what I wanted. You would have just told me 'no'. So I think we should try this."
Nick waited to see what Rafael's response was. When he didn't say anything, Nick moved round so the two men were facing each other. He lifted Rafael's head until they made eye contact, and looked into his eyes. He wasn't expecting to see them glistening. Rafael looked away quickly. Nick moved closer and hugged the smaller man to him. "I am not planning to hurt you or leave you if someone else comes along. I've never looked at anyone else when I've been involved with someone in the past and I don't intend to start now. If we decide to do this, then I give you my word that I am all in, and won't be using you or looking around at anyone else. But in return, you need commit to making this work as well. Relationships only work when both people are honest and trust each other. You need to trust me Rafael."
"I do trust you, Nick. I'd trust you with my life." It was the first thing that Rafael had said in response to Nick's monologue. This had been so unexpected, that he had been struck dumb.
Nick laughed, "I'm sure you do trust me with your life. That's because of the job though, and not what I mean. You have to trust me with your heart; trust that I won't break it. Trust me enough to be truthful with me and honest about how you are feeling, and what you want. You need to open up to me, and believe that I won't betray that trust. I know that won't be easy, but it's the only way this will work. I suggest we take it slowly though, and work on building up this trust between us gradually. As long as you are willing to try to do that. What do you say? Do you want to try?"
Rafael took in a deep breath before looking up at Nick. "Yes, I want to try." Nick smiled at him and then leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his lips. He didn't let the kiss get out of hand though. This was not a moment for them to be swept up in passion. They pulled away after a few minutes and Nick led Rafael back to the sofa and they both sat down.
Rafael had got his composure back by this point. "How did you realize that I was pushing you away? Most people just see me being an asshole and walk away."
Nick laughed, "Yes, well you do have that reputation, at work anyway. But one thing I've started to realize is that ADA Barba is a completely different man to Rafael. I don't always like Barba, although I do respect him, but I am starting to like what I've seen of Rafael so far. You nearly convinced me with your act earlier, but your words didn't match your body language. You were being very defensive. That's what told me what you were really thinking."
Rafael smiled. "Remind me not to play poker with you. If you can read me that well I'd lose a fortune."
Nick laughed. "Sounds good to me. I could use the money! But for now I'd better go, as I really need to get home. I'm on an early shift tomorrow and I need some sleep. Are you free tomorrow night for dinner?"
Rafael nodded. "Yes, that sounds good."
"Great. I'll book somewhere and let you know when and where if that's okay?" Nick smiled at Rafael's nod, and then got up. Rafael saw him to the door and they shared another hug and a kiss before Nick finally left.
Rafael closed the door behind him and went back to his drink. That had been a very unexpected visit. He was filled with hope though. Despite him doing his best to push Nick away, the detective hadn't been deterred, and had even realized what was behind it. Maybe this would work after all. He was still frightened of getting involved, but decided that Nick was right, and that he must make every effort to make this relationship work out. Not only would he get hurt again if it didn't, but he wouldn't forgive himself if he knew he was the cause of it going wrong. He was determined to give this his best shot.