Disclosure
Liv watched Nick as he drove them back to the precinct. He had been off all day – quiet, a bit off pace, and not focussing on the job on hand. Luckily they were following up on a case that had already been solved, rather than an active case, as otherwise this could have been a problem. She decided she needed to tackle him and try and get him to talk about whatever was on his mind, as this couldn't go on.
"So what's up with you today, Nick? You've been off your game all day. Anything I can help with?" she asked.
Nick sighed. "It's personal," he said.
"I guessed that, but we're friends as well as partners. Maybe it would help to talk about it," she suggested.
Nick looked round at her and saw the genuine concern in her eyes. "I'm having relationships...issues. I'm not sure how to resolve them."
"I didn't know you were seeing anyone at the moment," Liv commented.
Nick smiled. "Yeah, well we've been keeping it quiet deliberately. But to be honest, I think that is contributing to the problems we're having."
Liv frowned. "It's not Amanda again is it?"
Nick laughed. "God no. I learnt my lesson there. Anyway, what we had was more casual than that. We're definitely not compatible in a relationship."
"So, tell me about her? What's her name; how did you meet?" Liv quizzed him, relieved to know that he and Amanda were not trying again. She could see they wouldn't work together so was happy to hear they had come to the same conclusions. She didn't need problems between them.
Nick sighed again and was quiet for a minute. "I don't really know how much I can say, or should say." He was quiet again, before adding "It's a man, not a woman." He looked at her to see her eyebrows rise up in surprise. "Have I shocked you?"
Liv smiled. "Surprised me, yes. I had no idea you had any interest in men."
Nick shrugged. "All my previous relationships have been with women. I have had brief encounters with different men over the years, but not more than that. This was unexpected."
"So what is the problem between you?"
"I don't have any problems when it's just the two of us. We get on great, but when we are out in public I feel uncomfortable. He wants to introduce me to some of his friends, but I keep avoiding it. I've never considered myself homophobic, but I'm having trouble seeing myself as a man in a gay relationship. I know this hurts him, but I don't know how to get over it." Nick felt embarrassed just telling Liv how he felt, but he needed to talk to someone, and she had offered.
Liv considered what he had just told her. "Who knows about the two of you? Have you told anyone?"
Nick frowned. "He has told his mom that he's seeing someone, although not told her much about me. I haven't told anyone, apart from you now."
"Maybe you should start telling people. You know none of us at SVU are homophobic or are going to give you grief about it. If you do tell people, it will be a start, and show him that you are making an effort. You're not going to feel comfortable straight away, but you can gradually expand your comfort zone that way."
Nick shook his head. "I can't do that. Neither of us can tell people at work."
Liv stared at him. "Why not?"
Nick looked back at her. "Come on Liv, although it's more accepted now, there are still cases where gay cops are not given backup on time, or harassed for their sexuality. It's not worth the risk."
"I'm not suggesting you tell everyone in the precinct. Just those of us in SVU, who you are close to, and who you know will accept you. We can all keep our mouths shut. These things are better out in the open, rather than hidden."
"Yeah, like you told us you were seeing Cassidy? Pot calling the kettle black there I think Liv."
Liv tried to explain herself. "That was different. We knew each other on the job." Just then an opening appeared in the traffic, so Nick managed to get them down a side road and back to the precinct. It gave Liv time to think about what else she could do to help Nick. They parked up and then she touched him on the arm as he was about to head up the stairs to the squad room. "Come on Nick, it's late enough. Let's call it a night and go and get a drink. I think you could do with one."
He looked at her for a few seconds, considering his options. He knew if he went home he would just stew on things, and not resolve anything. "Okay."
Liv smiled at him and they walked to their usual bar and got a drink each before settling in a secluded corner. "You have seemed happier for the last couple of months, so I would assume he makes you happy. Every relationship has problems, so I'm sure you can get through this. Having never been involved with a man before, it's bound to make you feel a bit more uncomfortable than seeing a woman, and I'm sure he must realize that. Have you been honest with him and told him how you feel?"
Nick shrugged and took a sip of his drink. "He knows how I feel, although I panicked yesterday and made excuses to get out of meeting his friends. But he has been hurt in the past and is very defensive. He doesn't have confidence in me, in us, yet. He's convinced I'll find some woman and leave him, so this reinforces the doubts he already has. He sees it as me being ashamed to be seen with him, for people to see me as gay."
Liv sighed. Relationships could be tough, and it must be especially hard with issues like this to deal with. "I don't see how you're going to convince him or start feeling comfortable about it unless you do start to let people know about you. There are obviously friends and family he wants to tell. How about you? Is there anyone you would feel comfortable telling – friends or family?"
Nick laughed. "The people I know who would react the best and so I would be okay telling are you guys at SVU. My family are quite traditional. I don't think they would take it well. Neither would Maria. And there is no way I am informing my children at this point. It's too soon."
"You've made a start by telling me. You can tell the others too. I'm not suggesting you bring him to the NYPD summer party or bring him out on nights we all go out together and introduce him to everyone as your boyfriend."
Nick laughed again, when he considered that Rafael was usually invited to those occasions anyway, and they just made sure not to give anyone the impression that they were together.
"I haven't exactly told you anything about him, and I know Amanda. She will be nosey, and ask lots of questions I don't want to answer. If I refuse to tell her it will make things awkward."
"No-one will expect you to tell them anything you wouldn't do about any woman you were seeing."
Nick looked incredulously at her. "Yeah right. Amanda will have a few drinks one night and start trying to quiz me about our sex life."
Liv smiled. "And you tell her it's none of her business, and that you don't kiss and tell."
Nick shook his head. "I can't tell you or any of the others about him."
"Why not?"
Nick just looked into his drink, realizing he was in trouble here. Liv was pretty astute. She would probably figure out it was someone she knew, and from that it wouldn't be too difficult to figure out who it was. "I just can't. Please drop it Liv."
Liv was quiet for a minute, but her mind was spinning. "It's someone I know, isn't it?" she asked in a low voice.
Nick took a large gulp of his drink and then looked pleadingly at her. "I can't answer that Liv. It's not fair of you to expect me to out him to you. I can't do that."
Liv put a hand on Nick's arm, seeing he was getting upset. "Don't worry. I don't expect you to do that. But if it is someone you know from work, that explains a lot. I can understand better why you feel you can't talk to us about it."
Nick nodded. "It's not that I don't trust you."
"I realize that," Liv confirmed.
Just then Nick's phone rang, and he hesitated when he saw who was ringing him. It was Rafael. Luckily he had considered this possibility before, so the name that flashed up on the screen was not Rafael's.
"It's him, isn't it?" Liv asked. "Answer it. I need to visit the washroom anyway." She quickly got up and walked away from the table, leaving Nick to answer his cell.
"Hi Rafi," he answered.
"Thank goodness. I didn't think you were going to answer. I wanted to apologize for last night. I didn't mean to accuse you of being homophobic. I know it's just my insecurities. We can tell people at your pace; there's no rush." Rafael had felt bad all day once he had gotten over his hurt at Nick refusing to meet his friends, but he hadn't been able to speak to him while he was at work.
Nick felt relieved that they were making up, and that Rafael was willing to let him take it slowly. "I'm sorry too. I am trying to get used to the idea of people knowing about us. I think it's the fact that it's a group of people, that's bothering me. Could we maybe tell people one at a time, and maybe if I met your friends gradually, rather than in a group, it would be easier on me?"
Rafael relaxed at this suggestion. "Yes, of course we can do that. Whatever will help."
Nick felt much calmer now. "That will help. It's not that I don't want anyone to know. In fact I've been talking to Liv about us. I've told her I'm in a relationship with a man."
"Really? What did she say?" Rafael enquired. He felt it was a positive sign that Nick had told her.
Nick laughed. "She was fine about it. Says I've seemed happy for the last few months and that's obviously due to you. She would like to know who it is I'm seeing though. Don't worry. I haven't told her."
Rafael thought for a minute. "Do you want to tell her?"
"I thought we agreed that we were keeping it out of work." Nick commented.
"Yes, we did. But if we do keep seeing each other Liv is one of the first people we need to disclose to. Plus she's a good friend of both of us. I don't think she will have any problem with it, and she will keep it to herself if we ask her to. So if you want to tell her, I don't mind. I would love to see the look on her face though!" Rafael laughed.
Nick laughed too, and gestured to Liv that she could come back, seeing her hovering a bit away from him, obviously trying to give him privacy for his call. She sat down just in time to hear his reply.
"Maybe you can. We're at Sullivans by the precinct having a drink if you are free to join us." Nick invited Rafael.
"Are you sure? I could be there in about 15 minutes."
"I'm sure. See you soon." Nick closed the phone and put it down before having another drink.
"Okay, so you're going to get your wish. He's on his way," Nick told her.
"Really? That's great. I'm looking forward to meeting him, and I'm sure you coming out to me will help your relationship from what you've said." Liv was very pleased her curiosity was going to be fulfilled. It would have driven her mad trying to figure out who it was otherwise.
Nick laughed. "Yes, well he apologized for our argument last night, and so did I, so I think things are fine. And you're right; me being willing to tell you will help relieve his fears. Anyway, enough about me and my relationship for now. Tell me what you've been up to recently. How's Noah?"
Nick successfully changed the subject and listening to Liv tell him about all the progress Noah was making with his talking relieved his nerves.
Nick was facing the door, unlike Liv, so kept an eye out so he could see when Rafael arrived. He made sure to show no reaction though, knowing that Rafael would want to get a drink and then join them before Liv spotted him. So Nick looked back at Liv and kept her attention on him until he saw that Rafael had reached their table, and was putting down drinks for all of them. Nick moved over to give his partner room to sit next to him, which he did, and they both looked round to see Liv's face.
She was shocked, and was sure her face reflected that. She looked from one man to the other, but was speechless.
"Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you lost for words before, Liv," Rafael commented with a smirk.
"Yes, well, you've managed to shock me. I can't see how you two would ever have got together considering how much you squabble at work."
Nick laughed, catching Rafael's eye, as they remembered how they had gotten together. "We spent some time together when we were both in LA for that conference, and it grew from that," he told her.
She looked startled. That conference had been 5 months ago, but she didn't think they had been seeing each other that long. "That long ago?"
"We only actually started dating 10 weeks ago," Rafael commented. "But it was spending time together in LA that starting things off. We realized neither of us was exclusively heterosexual, and that we were interested in each other, although we agreed not to pursue it. Then we changed our minds."
Liv could see the affection in both men's eyes as they looked at each other, and read the happiness on their faces. She had always thought if they could get over their animosity they could be friends, so she was pleased to see she was right. "I think it's great. I'm really pleased for you both. I'm grateful you decided to tell me too. Don't worry, I will keep it to myself."
"We know that, Liv," Rafael reassured her. "We both trust you; otherwise we wouldn't have told you."
"I do understand you wanting to keep it quiet at work and respect that. But if you do decide to let the rest of the squad in on it, I am sure they will not have a problem with either of you, although Carisi might be a bit jealous of Nick," Liv added slyly. She was sure the young detective had a crush on Rafael, and had teased him about it before.
Rafael glared at her. "Don't start that again. He has put me on a bit of a pedestal because I'm the ADA, that's all there is to it."
Nick laughed. "Sorry Rafi; I agree with Liv. I think he has a crush on you." Rafael turned his glare to Nick now, which had no effect, other than making Nick laugh more. He did grab Rafael's spare hand which was resting on his jeans-clad leg and hold it in his own, entwining their fingers and pulling until Rafael's hand was resting on Nick's thigh. Rafael's eyes opened wider at this public display of affection, but where they were sitting no-one could see it apart from Liv, who was smiling at them both.
After this they changed the subject, and spent a pleasant hour together before parting; Liv to go home to relieve Lucy, and Nick and Rafael back to Rafael's apartment, where they spent most of their time together. All three of them were happy at how the evening had turned out. Liv was relieved to see that Nick was back to his usual cheerful self, and Rafael was very happy that Nick had not only been willing to come out to Liv, but had even shown affection towards him in front of her. It gave him more confidence in their relationship, something he badly needed.
Over the next week Nick broached the subject of telling other people with Rafael. Rafael suggested he invite one of his oldest friends over for dinner, so it would be just the three of them. Nick agreed, relieved that they had come to a compromise on this. He knew he would feel intimidated meeting all of Rafael's friends at once, but one on one he could cope with.
In return, Rafael quizzed Nick about how he would feel about telling other members of the SVU squad. Nick thought for a minute before deciding that he would feel comfortable with them knowing. He suspected Amanda might give him some grief, purely because of their past, but knew that Finn and Carisi would be okay with it. Liv had given them one suggestion: she had sometimes hosted dinner parties at her apartment, and thought that telling all the squad, away from work, might be an easy way to get it over with. They discussed this, and decided to take her up on the offer.
So it was three weeks later that Rafael and Nick made their way to Liv's apartment, both feeling slightly nervous. They were first to arrive, and Rafael helped Liv open wine in the kitchen while Nick played with Noah before Liv put him to bed. Finn and Amanda turned up next, then Carisi. Finally John Munch arrived. He liked to keep in touch with the squad, and saw them occasionally with his work for the DA's office, so Liv often included him. She had checked this with Rafael and Nick first though.
The group all talked, mainly about work, but with the occasional effort to not talk shop, and then dinner was served. Liv had cooked a lovely meal and all ate well and were very appreciative of the chef. At the end of the meal, Finn asked the question that others had been wondering about.
"So Liv, not that this isn't nice, but is there a point to this evening? Usually when you've invited us over, it's been because you've been promoted, or passed your sergeant's exam, or something similar. You're not about to be made captain are you?" Finn joked.
Liv looked round at Rafael and Nick, who subtly nodded at her. Nick went slightly pale at the thought of this, but the couple of glasses of wine he had drunk had helped his nerves. He was going to go through with this. "Actually, tonight isn't about me at all. I agreed to host, but it's someone else's turn to make an announcement." She looked at Nick, and the others saw who she was looking at, and all turned and waited. Rafael squeezed Nick's leg in reassurance. They had decided that as these were primarily Nick's work-mates, he would do the talking.
"Uhm, yes, thanks Liv. There's something I wanted to let you know about, and thought that away from work would be a good idea." Nick knew he was babbling, and took a deep breath before looking at Rafael, sat next to him. "I wanted to tell you that I'm in a relationship with Rafael, and we are both very happy. We are generally keeping it quiet at work, but we trust you guys, and wanted to let you know."
There was stunned silence from around the table, broken by Finn. "Well, I never would have put the two of you together but I'm happy for you both." He smiled at both men, knowing from his son how difficult it could be to come out to people and how important it was to feel accepted. He wanted to make sure they knew he was on their side and they could count on his support.
Munch laughed. "I thought you had been warned not to take anyone from work home with you Nick," he commented, with a smile that let both men know he was joking. "I suppose you don't work in the same department though, so that will make it easier. I wish you better luck than I had."
Carisi took a swig of his wine, looking at Rafael. He raised his glass. "Good for you, guys. I hope you're happy together."
Altogether, the group turned and looked at Amanda, who was still looking at Nick in shock. "I can't believe it. Since when have you liked men? You were married, and then you were with me. You like women, not men!"
Carisi decided to be tactful and got up to clear the plates away into the kitchen. Munch joined him, and so did Finn, after a last look at his partner. Liv stayed at the table to be able to rein Amanda in if necessary.
Nick sighed. This was what he had hoped to avoid. "It's called being bisexual, Amanda. Yes I like women, but I also like some men. Rafael is someone I like, a lot, and we've been seeing each other more than 3 months now, and are happy together. I hoped you could be happy for us."
Amanda stared at him for a few seconds, and then got up from the table. "I just need some time to get my head around this," she muttered, before picking up her cigarettes from her bag and slipping out of the apartment to go to the nearest fire escape so she could light up. Finn saw her going and followed her.
Nick looked dejected and Rafael took his hand. "Come on Nick. You knew she wouldn't take it well after your past with her. Everyone else was fine. Look at the positives. She will get over it. I'm proud of you for being willing to tell everyone about us. Thank you."
Nick looked up and tried to smile at Rafael. He knew his partner was right; the important thing was that he had done it, and now it was out in the open, and most of the squad had no problems with it at all.
Munch walked out of the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted coffees. He passed on the replies to Carisi and then walked up to Rafael, holding out his hand. The ADA shook it. "Congratulations counsellor. Can I assume if Nick needs bailing out in future, you can pick up the tab?" He smirked at Rafael who laughed.
"He'd better not need bailing out again, and I certainly couldn't have afforded his bail last time, so I will keep your number on hand. I know he appreciates your friendship, so I hope we can get to know each other better outside work too." Nick was called to the kitchen at this point and walked away.
Munch looked seriously at Rafael. "Don't hurt him. It took him a long time to get over the breakup of his marriage, and then he had the rebound thing with Amanda. He needs stability and someone he can count on."
Rafael nodded. "I know. I will do my best not to let him down. I care about him and want this to work between us."
"Good," Munch added with a grin. "After all these years on the job I know where to hide bodies so they will never be found, but I don't want to have to do that to you. We need more ADAs like you around."
Rafael laughed as Nick walked back and handed him a cup of coffee.
Finn watched Amanda for a few minutes but left her alone to think through what she had just learned before he joined her. He stood next to her, looking out over the Manhattan skyline, but not saying anything.
Amanda took a long drag of her cigarette before speaking. "Well, are you going to tell me off for what I said in there?"
Finn looked at her. "No. You don't need me to tell you that you said the wrong thing, but I know you were shocked, after what you and Nick had. I know you're not homophobic, and so do they. You can make it up to them. They need our support, not scepticism. Gay relationships are much harder than heterosexual ones."
Amanda raised her eyebrows at Finn. "You think heterosexual relationships are easy?!"
Finn smiled. "I didn't say that. All relationships are hard. But just getting together is more difficult for gays. I know from conversations with my son that it's easier for us heterosexuals; most people are the same as us so all we have to do is figure out if they are interested in us or not. When you're gay, you have to figure out first if the other man even likes men before you approach them. That's why gay bars and clubs do so well; at least there you know the other patrons are gay. When they do get together, there is still not enough acceptance from other people. Nick must really care for Barba to get involved with him and be willing to come out to us."
Amanda took another drag and ran her free hand through her hair. "I just never would have pegged Nick as liking guys, and especially Barba. He's such an asshole sometimes, and they've argued quite a bit over cases. I can't see how they ever would have gotten together."
Finn shrugged. "Sometimes arguing is a cover for sexual attraction, you know that. Liv is good friends with Barba, and she wouldn't be if he was an ass outside work as well as in. We know he is loyal, hardworking, cares for the victims and is willing to go to bat to help people, even at a cost to himself. Those are admirable qualities. I bet he has some more that Nick has seen and we haven't. But it's their relationship. All we need to do is accept them and give them support if they ever need it."
Amanda nodded. She finished her cigarette and ground the butt out under her boot before taking a deep breath and looking towards Liv's apartment.
Finn watched her. "Just apologize and get it out of the way. Wish them the best and then it's over with. You don't want any ill feeling between you."
Amanda grimaced then walked towards the apartment. "I hate apologizing. I suppose it has to be done though."
Nick tensed up as soon as he saw Amanda walk back into the apartment. Rafael saw his face and turned round, and they both watched as she walked up to them and gave them a cautious smile. "I'm sorry for how I reacted earlier, really I am. I was surprised. I wish you the best in your relationship. I'm not homophobic, and you can trust me to keep my mouth shut in future."
Nick wasn't convinced her apology was genuine, but Rafael decided they should take it at face value and hopefully put her reaction behind them. "Thanks Amanda. Neither of us thought you were homophobic and we do trust you." Nick kept quiet, but nodded his agreement. It was all he was willing to do.
Fin brought Amanda a coffee and changed the subject. Soon the atmosphere had improved and they all made an effort to keep to neutral subjects the rest of the evening.
The next day Amanda made an effort to treat Nick normally, and just be friendly to him. Liv kept the two of them away from each other as much as possible for the next few days, and by the following week they were back to their normal selves. Amanda even made a joking comment when Nick was tired that Barba must have kept him up all night. Nick retorted that she was just jealous as she didn't have anyone to share her bed. She laughed and agreed.
A few weeks after the dinner the squad were on stake-out. As usual in these cases, the detectives on duty quickly ran out of things to discuss, so broached subjects they usually wouldn't. The second evening Nick was with Carisi. The young detective stammered a bit, but eventually asked Nick what he wanted to know.
"I know I've only been with the squad a short time, so there's lots of history between the rest of you guys that I missed, but I definitely got the impression that you were straight until recently, and had even been married for a long time. I have nothing against gay men or bisexual ones, but I just wondered how you knew you liked men. I know it's a personal question, so tell me to shut up and I will but..."
Nick interrupted to stop Carisi babbling. "I don't mind you asking. But why do you want to know?"
Carisi was quiet for a few seconds. "I like the ladies, I really do. But I've had a few dreams about men at different times, and occasionally there is some man I feel attracted to. I've never done anything about it, and probably won't, but..." Carisi trailed off. He was blushing and couldn't look Nick in the eye. He wished he had never asked now, but he really did want to know.
"Have you heard of the Kinsey scale, which rates a person's sexuality on a scale between 0 and 6?" Nick asked. He saw Carisi nod. "I don't believe most people are usually exclusively gay or straight, but usually somewhere on the scale in-between those two extremes. I like women mainly, but sometimes there was a man that caught my eye, same as you. I've always been faithful though, and never done anything behind anyone's back. Over the years I have had a few one night stands with men, but never anything more than that until now. I thought I never would get involved in a gay relationship but life can surprise you. All I can say is to go with your gut. If you like a man, then don't discount anything happening just because you usually go for women."
"Thanks Nick," Carisi said.
"But be careful. When you work for the NYPD, and especially SVU, it would be far too easy for you to get caught if you did something stupid, or end up in a position where someone could blackmail you." Nick cautioned the young detective. "And if anything like that ever did happen, tell me or Liv or even Rafael. We would support you. Don't give in to blackmail, as it never ends well."
Carisi looked worried. "So did you go to gay bars or clubs to meet men, or did you meet gay men in your everyday life and know. I don't think I've got a gaydar. I can never tell about a man."
Nick sighed. "I have never gone to gay venues in New York, and I know what you mean about not knowing if someone is gay or not. I hadn't figured out Rafael was gay."
"Then how...sorry, ignore me, it's none of my business," Carisi babbled, as he realized what a personal question he had nearly asked.
Nick laughed. "You remember that PD conference I went to in LA?" Carisi nodded. "I went to a gay nightclub while I was there, figuring it was safer there than in New York. I bumped into Rafael there. He was doing the same thing. I doubt anything would have ever happened between us if not for that."
"Wow. That was a coincidence. I'm glad things have worked out for you," Carisi added. He was pleased that Nick had trusted him enough to answer his questions, and even told him how he and Barba got together.
"Thanks. I know I shouldn't ask, but while we're on the subject..." Nick hesitated.
"Go on, you can ask me anything," Carisi gushed.
"Okay. So since you started you've always been keen to impress Rafael. Is it just hero worship, or do you have a bit of a crush on him? Is he one of the men you are attracted to?" Nick asked.
Carisi looked shocked and horrified, but Nick couldn't tell if it was the suggestion that he had a crush or that this had been discovered that was upsetting him. "Look, you don't have to answer that. I'm just curious. And I wouldn't tell Rafael either way," Nick reassured him.
"Erm. He's a great lawyer, and I have learnt so much from him, so yes I suppose you could call it hero worship," Carisi answered reluctantly. Nick could see him blushing though, so thought that wasn't the full answer.
"So is that all you feel for him?" Nick asked gently.
Carisi didn't answer, but did shake his head. He looked out of the window, not able to meet Nick's eyes.
"I don't blame you. You've obviously got good taste in men. Don't worry. I won't say anything to anyone. If you do find someone you like who is unattached, take a chance and see what might happen. I decided a while back that life is too short for regretting the chances you didn't take, which is why I took a leap of faith in getting involved with Rafael. I think you're a good guy, Sonny, and you will make someone a great partner someday, whether it's a man or a woman."
Carisi looked round and smiled. "Thanks Nick." He might have no chance with Barba, but he would keep his eyes open and take other chances that arose. He felt more confident after talking to Nick.