'You can't just sit in bed in the dark forever, my darling' the voice was gentle, but she knew his methods.
'I can do as I like' she said defensively, sitting up because she knew he'd come to her. Right now all he was was a silhouette at the door, the bright light of the sun streaming in behind him. Sun she didn't care if she saw again or not. A sob was working its way up her chest, having started in her now empty womb, but she did not give in to it.
'My dear, my dear' he closed the door behind him, making his way in the gloom. 'It breaks my heart to see you like this'
He sat on the edge of the bed the shared, though they hadn't shared it in many nights. He was always busy working, even when he should be by her side. She didn't resent him for it, or she didn't think she did. Perhaps that was why she wasn't able to leave the sanctuary of her room yet.
'I barely feel as if I have a heart left' her voice trembled and her tears, ever present these days, threatened to fall if not held back- like a Dam overflowing. He kissed her tenderly on the forehead, his hand stroking her cheek, still wet with the last tears shed.
'And I too, my love' his voice was a whisper, drawing her into his embrace 'our lovely future was torn from us in an instant and I feel as though we are lost' she felt his tears fall to her robe covered shoulder 'but I cannot lose you too. I would rather die'
'I would have named him James, if it was a boy. And he would have looked just like you, beautiful big brown eyes and a head full of dark hair, and so much intelligence he could rule the world' the sob broke her lips, but she continued 'Elsie if she was a girl, and I hoped she would have your eyes, and my curls, and your beautiful musicians hands, your skill for reading people so she would never be hurt' she broke down, clinging to him for support, soaking the lapels of his expensive suit.
'Hush, my angel, don't cry' he soothed, rocking her as she wept.
'Why weren't you there' she whispered after a long while
'A crisis arose, I am so sorry my love' he wiped tears from her cheeks, only for them to be replaced. Her lip quivered. Was it wrong that seeing her so upset made him want her badly? Probably, he answered his own question. At least among civilized society. 'But I am here now, and I will look after you'
'Where is Bastian?' she cleared her throat, knuckling the tears from her eyes and sitting straight
'On a job, for me' he searched her face, though she gave away nothing 'Why?'
'He has been caring for me' she sniffled, feeling another cramp coming- just another reminder of her recent loss. 'While you were gone'
the remark hurt, exactly as she had intended it.
She wanted the company of his right hand man, in place of him, because Bastian had been there for her while he had not.
'If you want me to call him here...' he didn't finish his sentence, leaving it hanging for her.
She could feel his hurt a mile away. She was lucky, she supposed, that over the years they had been married, he had gradually let his guard down, allowing her in to his emotions. 'No, of course not. I only wondered because he hadn't checked in today'
Sebastian, or Bastian as only she was allowed to call him, had taken her to the appointment where they had found she had had a missed miscarriage.
He had cradled her in his lap when they got home, called Jim to inform him when she couldn't form the words. He had been there two weeks later, rubbing her back as contractions worsened, he had been there when she had birthed the tiny baby in her own shower, still wrapped in its placenta. While she lay on the shower floor, cradling her child, he had been there, his suit drenched, her blood on his hands.
She had every right to want to be near him, when he had been there for her through so much that her husband had not.
He had helped her pick a spot in the grounds, arranged for a beautiful oak sapling to be delivered.
He had dug the hole himself, watched as she placed the tiny baby wrapped in a soft blanket to rest, and planted the sapling above it.
'Do you have feelings for him because I wasn't there for you?' he question was blunt and full of barbs, and it stung at her like a bullet ant, payback for her earlier remark.
'Do you really think that's something I'm thinking of right now? when I'm still bleeding after the loss of our baby? really James? REALLY?' she shouted the last words, and he flinched away, retreating from her anger 'How fucking DARE you' she was snarling now, her chest heaving with emotion. Her arm flung back of its own accord and she slapped him with every ounce of anger she held onto. 'I am grieving, you absolute monster' her scream broke, her voice faltered and she slumped back onto her pillows 'Get out' sobs breaking free as she drew her knees to her chest and curled herself over them.
'Baby, I'm sorry' he put an arm around her, rubbing her gently 'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to... I wasn't thinking. Oh my darling, I am the dumbest man in Britain' he scooped her up and put her on his lap.
'Yes, you are' she choked out, resting her head on his wet shoulder. She focused on these things more now than ever. The feel of materials on her skin, the sound of water crashing around her in the shower, the smell of his cologne lingering in pulse points. Things to keep her present, in the real world, instead of retreating to her memories.
She couldn't help but think back to the first day she had seen two precious lines of the pregnancy test. It was 3am, and she hadn't slept- for some reason or another- but the feeling in her stomach gave her pause, and when she counted back the days, she was just a day late.
Her heart had swollen with joy, a long awaited, longed for moment. They had been trying for a baby since they married- of course with her work and his erratic schedule things had barely worked out. But now, oh now, there was a baby!
In that moment, she had planned an entire future. She already knew the school, and the tutors, and the play dates. They would get their child a dog, for their 5th birthday, maybe. Her parents would have a grandchild to dote upon, and she birthdays to plan parties for. James could teach them everything he knew, how to protect themselves, and she could teach them all she knew, protecting them until they could themselves.
James had been with her, when they had seen the precious little flicker of a heartbeat. 150bpm. She had never seen him smile so widely, not since their wedding. It was a feeling that they never wanted to lose. Tiny little baby growing fast in her womb, a strong heartbeat. She would never need another gift again, once her baby was in her arms.
'Hunter?' his voice was soft, full of unspoken apologies 'can you hear me?' she shook herself from her reverie. Looked up at him with glazed eyes. 'I was talking'
'Sorry' it was barely a whisper from her lips 'Say again. I was in my thoughts'
'I'm so sorry, my love, my Hunter, for not being here as I should have' he was stroking her hair 'that was unforgivably cruel of me, in your hour of need' he kissed her forehead 'I will never let you down like that again'
Hunter could only nod, listening to him apologizing. He did it so rarely she remembered every detail.
'What can I do to help you right now?'
Her mind wandered down a list of many things, but finally settled 'pajamas and cuddle me in bed' she requested meekly, shuffling out of his lap and back under the blankets.
She watched him change, his suit falling into a crumpled heap around him. It was a rare day that he didn't hang or at least fold his suits immediately, and it spoke volumes about his state of mind. she was pleased, somewhere deep inside her, that he was as affected as she, even if he didn't display it as she did.
He pulled on a pair of soft, baggy cotton pajama pants and slipped beneath the covers, drawing her into his arms. She pulled her singlet off over her head, enjoying the heat he provided, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers.
'I love you, my little flower' he nuzzled into her neck, peppering her skin with soft kisses. 'nothing will change that, my sweet'
'And I love you, my darling. More than all the atoms in the universe' they fell silent, wrapped in each other, her tears falling intermittently, until she finally found blissful sleep, the first in a week without nightmares.