a/n: so to get into the mindset of this chapter, I listened to Hurt by Johnny Cash on repeat for hours while writing this. I was listening to one of my playlists on shuffle and this song came on, and it sparked my inspiration for this chapter. So I really recommend listening to this song fully first, then reading the chapter and having it play in the background. Just so you can get the feel of what the character is going through. here is the youtube link for the song: watch?v=3aF9AJm0RFc

thanks for reading. thanks for reviewing.

as always,

much love.

ps. the guest that is reviewing this story, I love your comments! I look forward to what you have to say next.

I'm in a dark place.

I hurt myself today. No, no. Don't you fucking dare go to Johnny Cash again, Pierce. I'd close my eyes and twitch the thoughts out of my head. To see if I still feel. Stop it. I need to escape my own fucking brain. For some reason Cash won't stop replaying in my head and it's digging me deeper and deeper into the dark.

I focus on the pain. Stop it, stop it, stop it! I knock on my right temple with my knuckles as I berate myself aloud. The only thing that's real. "No," I shake my head, "no," I shake my head again but a little faster, "No!" I shake my head violently fast, and then proceed to dig my head into my lap as I continued to slowly shake my head left to right.

There are more things that are real, I audibly tell myself; as I press myself into a corner of my padded cell with my elbows digging into my knees. The perfect place for my arms, because it keeps my hands in smacking distance to my face. I find myself thinking in Cash lyrics then shouting at myself aloud. Come back to the surface, Brittany. Yes, you have a first name. I have a first name? I have a first name. Remember that? Brittany S. Pierce. I am not just a last name. No, I will not focus on the pain Johnny Cash. I will not. I cannot.

My eyes squeeze tight as I become silent. His voice creeps back into my swollen brain. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair. Externally, I let out a long defeated sigh. What have I become? At a snail's pace, I pick my head out of my lap. Fluttering my eyes open as if I have been reborn. You are winning, Pierce; grinning as I speak to the only person in this room: me. Weakly, I take the palms of my hands and press them on my thighs to assist myself into a standing position.
Walking to my cot, I shake off my psychotic bout. I've found myself going in and out of bouts of insanity. I can't figure out how many days I've been held captive between the shue walls. That's the shitty part about being stuck in solitary. You don't leave this room. No sunlight. No visitors. Guards don't even speak to you. They lift up a small silver flap, which is the correct size to only slip a tray of food inside.

The silence will creep under your skin and then open inside of you like a porcupine. There is no escaping it. One must overcome it. There is a cold silver toilet in the middle of my new cell. The prison places the exact amount of amenities inside the shue, so you don't have to leave this fucking room. I'm being treated like a dog. I almost found myself frothing at the mouth at the smell of my food being carried down the hallway to my cell. There is one simple sentence that will describe the food you have the pleasure of eating inside of solitary: Red's food will forever be considered a delicacy.

Like I said, I'm a fucking dog in here. A caged dog. I hear the other inmates howling throughout the night...well, I only assume it's the night. There is no such thing as the concept of time. Whenever I'm not curled up in the corner I try so hard to figure out how many days I have endured the shue. But at the same time, do I want to know? I tell myself that it might better to live in blissful ignorance. I fear for my sanity.

"Hey sweetheart."

My eyes went from being shut to flinging open as fast as humanly possible. I immediately searched the spot where I heard the voice emerge from.

"Hey Sweetheart."

Quickly, I rubbed my eyes with my knuckles. Probably harder than I should have rubbed, because I'm seeing spots in the corners of my eyes. My mouth opens to form words and stays ajar. Words betray me. My voice crackles. I clear my throat, "Rach?" I clear my throat again and speak in a less hushed tone, "Rach, is that you?" It can't be. They don't allow visitors.

"Hey, Sweetheart. You're silly, of course it's me." She smiled. She's smiling, her smiles make my insides instantly warm.

I rub my eyes again as I sit in the same place on my cot. I have yet to move.

"You missed our visitation." She pouted in the corner, "I was worried about you."

Tucking my hair behind my right ear I spoke candidly, "Ah! Our visitation, I completely forgot. I shouted at the guards for hours so I could use the phone and call you but they never answered. They locked me up in here and never came back. I'm sorry." I lowered my head, "I feel so awful. You shouldn't have to come visit me."

"Now, now." She walked over to my cot and sat next to me as she placed an arm around my body. "It's okay Sweetheart, you did what you had to. I understand that now."

Sniffling I spoke, "You shouldn't have to Rachel!" I shut my eyes forcing myself not to expel tears.

Rachel's voice turned. "You're fucking right. I shouldn't be understanding. Look at me." The arm that was around my shoulders draped away and I felt the weight shift on my cot. My eyes remained closed. "Fucking look at me Sweetheart!"

I exhaled deeply as I convinced myself to open my eyes and look at the girl standing before me. Her outfit has changed. "Rach, when did you - how did you-are you wearing your wedding dress?" It was too late to close my eyes again. There was the exact picture of the girl who I left at the altar. Her brunette hair in perfect curls. Just the right amount of hair tied back to let a few long loose curls bounce on the sides of her face. I let myself form a half-smile as I admired her figure in that eggshell white sleeveless dress. All glamour, nothing fancy, just the perfect silky white dress. One stray tear escaped my eye as I quickly brushed it away and hid it.

"Why, Sweetheart, why did you leave me standing there? I waited for you to walk down that aisle all night. I didn't believe them when they said you weren't coming. I didn't believe them." Rachel was radiant as she stood before me. Almost too radiant.

I shook my head back and forth, "No, no, no." I blinked a few times, "You aren't real. You can't be real." I brought my knees back up to my chest and hugged them. I rocked as I sat there, "You aren't real. You aren't real. You aren't real." I peeked out of my shelter where I have felt safe for days to see if she was still standing there.

She was.

She walked closer to me, "Sweetheart. Why? I loved you."

Pressing my head further into my legs I repeated, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," as I continued to rock back and forth.

"PIERCE!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I said as I rocked back and forth with my head still tucked in-between my knees.

"Yeah, we figured you'd be sorry by now. Most of you are."

Lifting my head, I was surprised to see Pornstache standing before me and not Rachel. I couldn't help but peer around his body to see if Rachel was hiding behind him. I didn't have any words to say, I just stared at the man.

"Get up." He said with both hands on his belt buckle. It almost looked as if he was in a karate stance.

I slowly let my feet dangle off the side of the cot. Weakly, I stood up. The guard didn't bother moving, so I was inches away from him. I could smell the gum he was chewing. Bubble gum. Never thought he would have picked such a flavor.

"You've had enough time in here, let's move." Pornstache grabbed my bicep and forcefully shoved me out of the room. My eyes stung at the florescent lights that dangled above me.

Shaking myself out of his grip, "How long has it been?"

He chuckled and ran his tongue across his teeth, "Five days, honey." He laughed again, "You were going pretty crazy in there a second ago. If it was my choice, I would have kept you in there for a few more hours."

Fucking asshole. "What time is it?" I am hoping I can get some of Red's dinner. I am beyond starved. Well, if I was beyond starved I would look like a little child in Africa. A little dramatic, but you get the point. I'm fucking hungry. The loud buzz chimed to let us out of solitary and Pornstache opened the door. Ah, the smell of fresh air. The things you take for granted. I'm so glad you have to walk outside to get back to my block from the shue.

"It's 6pm, but you don't get dinner I'm afraid. You are on strict orders to see the prison social worker and then off to your cell." He simply stated as he led the way.

My feet touched the pavement with joy. I was so happy to see the sun setting. Oh, glorious sun! How my skin has missed you. There was a slight breeze coming in and the tickle it gave me was delightful. I never want to see the insides of that dank cell again. I was fully basking in my love affair with mother nature to let Pornstache and his shoving bother me.

"We're here. Go in talk to Emma. I'll be here in an hour to walk your sorry ass back to the cell block." He grinned.
Rolling my eyes, I entered the room. It was a very quaint office. There was a leather chair for me to sit in. I bounced over to the chair as the social worker closed the door behind me.

She was a red-haired woman with fair skin and doe eyes. She seemed pretty bubbly to be working inside of a prison. But who am I to judge? She smiled at me and began to speak, "First and foremost, I'm Emma Pillsbury. Make yourself comfortable. I have water on the table and a few pastries, help yourself."

Instantly at the sound of pastries I hopped off the brown leather and stuffed my face. Oh my god. This blueberry scone. I must have crumbs in my hair and all over my shirt. But that's okay, I can save it for later. After I stuffed two scones into my belly I sat back down on the chair with a smile plastered on my face.

The social worker smiled and began to talk, "Well, now that we are all settled and our stomachs are full... Tell me about your time in the shue."

Wow. Bitch is diving into the pool without testing the waters. "Well, it wasn't a fall walk in the park, but I survived."

She nodded her head and jotted down some notes, "I see. So, as you know there are cameras in the rooms. We aren't permitted to record audio for legal reasons, but we can visually see you."

"Mmhm." I nodded along as she spoke. I'm still thinking about that blueberry scone to be completely honest.

"And well it looked as if you were talking to someone in that room. Who did you see?" Pillsbury looked at me with her wide as and awaited my response. It was hard not to look at those innocent eyes of hers.

I gulped, "No one. I was just simply entertaining myself. Girl's gotta keep busy, ya know?"

She lowered her head and jotted down more notes. "I see. So nothing you want to talk about?"

Shaking my head from side to side I responded, "Not that I can think of, when can I take a shower?" I smell like garbage that has been left in a hot summer sun for days.

"I'm only here to help. It's hard on everyone. but if you talk about what you saw...it might help ease the pain you bear." Her eyes peered at me.

I lowered myself in my chair. A little uncomfortable at the hazel eye contact, "Um, I didn't see anything. It's a little hard adjusting to this lighting, but other than that..." I didn't know what else to say to this lady. Abruptly, I stopped my sentence. It was hard to lie to the innocent-looking woman before me.

She set her pen down and crossed her legs, "Well, Miss Pierce, I will clear you to go back instead of going to the psych ward for a few days. You've endured enough with five days in that hell hole." Pillsbury stood up from her chair and walked behind me. She placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, "Look, I know no one wants to talk to me. I get it. Sweetheart, just please when you are ready talk to me about what you saw in there, I know it was something painful."

I rolled my shoulder to inch her hand off me, "Don't call me Sweetheart. Are we done?" Coldly, I turned my head to look at her.

Kindly she nodded, "Yes, you may go. My doors always open Brittany." She weakly smiled as I shut the door behind me. It's funny how being addressed by my first name strikes me as weird.

Pornstache was leaning against the wall next to the door eating a red apple. For some reason no matter how he stood, he always looks like a douche bag. "Ready, kid? Off to Healy."

I roll my eyes at this notion. "Another consult?" I looked over at him as we walked towards the next building.

"Oh yes sweetie pie. Your sweet little ass was in that box for five days. Standard procedure to make these rounds. Make sure you didn't go coo-coo." He twirled his fingers at his head and crossed his eyes when said those last words.

SAM HEALY. The fading lettering still makes me sad for this man. I hope this one is a quick visit, I really don't need this old man telling me to stay away from lesbians.

"I'll be waiting out here for you blondie. Healy will send you out once he's done." Pornstache plopped on the plastic chair outside of his office and crossed his boots.

Entering the office with dread I faintly smiled at Healy's greeting, "Hello, it's good to see you."

"Hey, Healy. How have you been?" It's only polite. Plus the more questions I ask, the less he will ask.

He adjusted his weight on the chair as it squeaked, "I've been peachy." He chuckled, "I learned that word from you." He pinched the bridge of his nose while flipping through some papers. "Let's dive in."

"Okay." Looks like no one has manners today.

He pointed his pen at me, "Didn't I tell you to stay away from Vause and those lesbians?" Healy let out a deep sigh, "I told you they were nothing but trouble, but no one listens to the grey-haired guy behind the desk."

Silently, I nodded.

"So I don't care about your time in the shue, that is what Emma is for. I want to know what happened to land you in there. You've been a perfect inmate until now, what happened between you and Doggett?" Healy leaned over his desk and folded his arms.

"Doggett?"

He narrowed his eyes at me, "Are you slow or som'in? The inmate you punched."

I guess I deserved that dig. I only know the girl as Pennsatucky. "She said some things. Made my blood boil, it won't ever happen again."

"You're damn right it won't." He tossed his gold pen on his desk. "I'm reassigning you to the shop. I can't have you in laundry with Vause and Doggett." Healy crossed his arms and rested them on his large belly, "Maybe time away from the lesbian crowd will do you good."

Every time he says lesbians, it's like I want to punch him in the face. I think it is the way he says it. He has all this inflexion like it's some foreign taboo word. It disgusts me just a little. More than a little. But no, I will not let it bother me. I cannot let things get under my skin. I smile at him and nod, "Maybe you're right sir."

Healy shocked by my statement, lost his balance in his chair and he caught himself on the edge of the desk. "That's the right spirit. Think like me and you'll be out of here in no time." He grabbed his pen off his desk and jotted things down on a piece of paper.

"You're free to go." He coldly stated without looking up from his papers.
Fine by me. Shrugging my shoulders I let myself out of the office and stood next to my favorite guard.

He leered at me, "Guess what?"

I fucking hate how I am forced to play this man's game, "What, now?" Can't help but throw a little attitude in there.

Pornstache stood up and started walking. I followed as I listened to him speak to me, "You're prissy little ass is going to love this. You get to take a shower all by your lonesome."

The joy must've washed over my face. A fucking shower alone? I couldn't dream of it.

He capitalized on the joy he saw on my face, "I knew your prissy ass would love that. We don't want the other prisoners to know what the shue smells like." Laughing out as he forcefully pushed a clean set of clothes into my chest, "Make sure you clean yourself real good. Get that pink pussy of yours smelling fresh."

We stopped in front of the bathroom doors. He held out his arm to block my entrance. I had to endure listening to him the entire way here, what more can this asshole want?

Flicking his moustache with his free hand, "And uh if you want to play with that tight little pussy of yours...I won't mind one bit. I'll be guarding this door listening to every sound you make." He grinned and let his arm down.

Walking into an empty bathroom was a feeling I didn't think I would have the pleasure of receiving for years. Slowly, I undressed out of my filthy clothes while I let the water run warm. I had a smile plastered on my face. A cheeky smile. I didn't have ten girls ogling my goodies, I can just simply: take a shower. The warm water cascaded down my face. My eyes stayed shut as I enjoyed the warm water falling onto my face, dripping down through my breasts, and rolling over my flat stomach.

I had the urge to scrub the shue off of me. I picked up the bar of soap and started washing it all away. Maybe all the memories that haunted me in the shue I can wash off me and let it flow deep down in the drains.

Once my shower came to and end, Pornstache walked me to my quarters. Everyone was sleeping, it was lights out time. I understand why they make you come back in the night. I couldn't handle all these women looking at me right now, and I definitely couldn't handle Alex and her pity eyes.

Hopping into bed I pulled the covers over me. It is colder in this place than I remember. Squeezing my eyes tight, I pray for sleep to come. I don't want to be left in the dark with my thoughts any longer. My knees find their way to my chest. I hug them. This makes me feel safe. I begin to shiver, it's that fucking cold in here. I pull my blanket as far up to my face as I can. My brain feels overwhelmed with thoughts of tomorrow. How are people going to treat me? What are the questions people will ask me? I have to deal with a new work detail. My brain is thinking over time and I can't get it to stop. Please, please, let me sleep.

I squeeze my eyes tighter and pull my legs closer to my chest as I shiver under my covers. I'm not sure if it is from the cold or the thoughts running rampant in my head. I sniffle a few times, only because my nose is like ice and I felt it running. Not because I'm about to cry, I will not.

I felt the weight on my bed shift. Fearing I lost my mind again, I ignore the feeling. There is a warm arm wrapping itself around my body and pulling me closer. I feel the warmth of her body press against my back as I ease into her curves. "Shh." I hear Lopez whisper. She unwraps my hands from my own legs and tightly takes a hold of my chest. Lopez squeezes my body tightly for a few minutes until I stop shivering. My breathing becomes less erratic. She moves her arm and brushes the hair off the side of my face and tucks it behind my ear. Lightly she kisses my cheek before she whispers, "Five days? You're stronger than I would have ever thought. I know what you just went through, you going to be okay?"

I nod my head in her arms. She brushes her long fingers through my hair gently a few times. She kisses the back of my head over my hair and then pulls me into her body. I fit perfectly into her curves like a glove. Our feet somehow became intertwined but I did not seem to mind her warmth.

Letting her hold me, I shut my eyes. I felt safe. She made the thoughts stop. Smiling, I fell asleep in her arms. It may be a dream, but Lopez and I are cuddling on my cot. And I kind of like it.