Adam didn't even realise that he was rocking her slowly. He didn't know when he had buried his head in her hair but he knew that he was inhaling her, breathing her all in. All he could feel was her in his arms, her body wracking with sobs. Deep, guttural, heartbreaking sobs.
It wasn't until he heard the key in the lock that he realised they had been like this for more than an hour. Adam glanced up quickly and Maggie saw the tears spilling down his cheeks. Maggie took one look at the pair of them sitting on the floor and backed away and closed the door, leaving them to it. Heaven knows it was long overdue.
The room was starting to darken with the approaching evening. "Kim." Adam whispered in her ear. "We need to get off the floor. I think I've gone numb." She moved stiffly and slowly. The sobbing had stopped a little while ago at least but the effects of her breakdown were written all over her face.
He helped her up from the floor and Kim smiled at him sadly as he wiped his tear stained face before excusing herself to use the bathroom. Looking in the mirror she barely recognised the woman staring back at her. Not just because she'd spent the last, god knows how long, ugly crying in Adam's arms. She didn't recognise the woman she had become and she didn't like her either. One who was cruel and weak. She had been cruel to the man who loved her and weak for letting someone take advantage of her. She reached out one hand and rested it on the mirror as if she was trying to touch that woman and tell her it was going to be okay.
Adam fumbled around in the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He leant against the bench while the coffee brewed and watched it do its thing. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Finally he had been starting to get his feet under him again yet now he was right back at the start, the rug had been pulled out from under him and his world was thrown into disarray. Allowing himself to be emotionally dragged back into her orbit was hard, but in reality he knew he'd never really left.
"You okay?" he called out from the kitchen as Kim made her way back into the room and curled herself up into the corner of the couch.
"Yep. I think I feel a little better than I look."
"You look fine." He wrinkled his nose a little and Kim chuckled. It was nice to hear her laugh even if it was a little forced. He bought her a cup of coffee and Kim felt something had definitely shifted when he sat next to her on the couch. That distance that had been between them earlier had eroded. "So I organised someone to come and change all your locks tomorrow."
"That's sweet of you."
"Is that okay?" He suddenly worried that he had overstepped the mark. She wasn't his to worry about anymore. He shouldn't be making decisions for her but he desperately wanted her to feel safe again. He had done it without thinking, it seemed like the natural thing to do.
"It is, thank you. My sister is coming tomorrow and taking me away for the weekend. She thinks it'll do me good."
"I think it will too."
Adam reached out and tucked at few stray hairs behind her ear before resting his hand on the back of the couch behind her. "You know it's all going to be okay don't you?"
"What is?"
"This mess, you'll come out of this stronger. It doesn't have to define you going forward."
"We'll see. I am going to try not to let it break me." Kim bit her bottom lip nervously. "I hope you'll be around too."
"You've got so many people who want to help you through this." Adam's eyes glazed over a little and Kim found it unsettling. He didn't seem to understand what she was trying to say, or perhaps he did and chose to ignore it.
"I know." She closed her eyes as a wave of exhaustion hit her. Not even the coffee could keep her eyes open. Adam grabbed a cushion and laid it in his lap before gently helping to lower her head down. He pulled the rug off the back of the couch and covered her. Resting a hand on her hip and watched her drift off.
He was sitting in the dark when Maggie returned. "Sorry about earlier." She whispered. Kim hadn't stirred but that was no surprise, she always slept like she was dead.
"That's okay. She needed to good cry."
"So did you."
"I've never liked seeing her cry. It always got to me."
"These last few days have been pretty rough on you too."
Adam looked down at the woman sleeping in his lap. "Yeah."
"Look I know you aren't together anymore but it is obvious that you still care about her."
"Care about her?" Adam laughed lightly. "I still love her."
"I know." Maggie squeezed his hand. "We all know."
Adam tried to slip Kim off his lap onto the couch without waking her. She stirred a little as he tucked the rug tighter around her shoulders. Maggie watched him and shook her head, almost in disbelief. How had they drifted so far apart? He was so tender and caring and incredibly sad. God it was plain as the nose on his face how much he loved her. She knew so many women who would kill for a man like him. She wondered what he'd done to make Kim run from him.
Maggie gave him a hug when he stood up. "You are doing good."
"Thanks for everything Maggie. I know Kim really appreciates it." They stepped away from the couch towards to kitchen. She poured him a whiskey and one for herself.
"Apparently her sister is coming tomorrow. That's a good thing right?" Maggie wanted to check. Kim had told her that she would be leaving tomorrow and mentioned her sister but it was hard to figure out whether she was happy about it.
"It is. Her sister isn't around much. She's got a kid that keeps her busy and her job but they do get on really well. They are pretty close. I am surprised that she didn't know what was going on."
"Kim said she was pretty much was cut off from everyone."
A cloud descended over Adam's face. The more he knew about what he did to Kim the more he wanted to make him pay. Kim hadn't actually told him that he had forced her into sex but she didn't have too. So far they hadn't let him read her statement so he had no idea if Kim had admitted anything to Erin or not. "He certainly had her living in fear."
"Don't they always. I have seen far too many of these women come through my doors and a lot of them in far worse shape than Kim. Strong women who are rendered useless and powerless by people like Sean Roman."
"I really don't want to talk about it right now. I don't want to think about him for awhile." He was done for the day; he was done talking and thinking about him. He had already taken so much from him; he wasn't going to give him another second of this day.
Adam grabbed his phone and keys and crouched down beside the couch. "Kim." He squeezed her hand lightly. Her eyes flew open and were wild with fear until she realised it was Adam and grabbed onto his hand. "Hey. I'm going to take off."
"You're going?"
"I am. I hope you have a good weekend with your sister. Try not to worry about what's going on back here."
"I don't want you to go."
Adam turned his head away. If he saw the pleading in her eyes he wouldn't be able to leave. "I have to go." He lightly brushed her cheek. "I'll talk to you in the morning okay?" Kissing her lightly on the forehead he stood up quickly and left.
Kim squeezed her eyes closed tightly. She honestly thought she didn't have any more tears left inside her but she obviously did, they trickled down her cheeks. Maggie rested a hand on her shoulder. "He hasn't turned his back on you yet." She offered and Kim nodded through her tears. She was right, he had been with her all afternoon and despite hearing some heart breaking truths he hadn't walked away. The afternoon had turned into evening and then night and he was still here. He had barely been back in her life for two days, two harrowing days and now that he was gone she missed him more than ever.
Erin came over and took her back to her place in the morning. She had hugged Maggie fiercely before she left and thanked her over and over for all her help. They had switched her onto an oral Anti-biotic and given her some extra dressings for her burn, but it had started healing quite quickly and Will had come and checked on her and was happy with it's progress.
She was grateful when Erin grabbed her hand as she unlocked the door to her place. Stepping inside for the first time was hard. She could feel his presence everywhere. The memories came flooding back; it was here that he threw the coffee at her. Kim placed a hand over her mouth to stop a sob escaping. "What is it?" Erin asked.
"I was just over there. He threw the cup at me and I remember the pain. He made me clean it up before I could even take my shirt off." Suddenly her voice sounded steely as she straightened her back. "He told me to stop crying like a baby. Later that night he was all sweet and sorry." Kim chuckled unexpectedly. "I didn't treat it properly because I think I was hoping that someone would notice and that's what happened I guess. He didn't care what I did in that regard. As long as I kept my mouth shut. And I did but it didn't work out for him anyway."
"You are a smart woman."
"I wouldn't say that. A smart woman wouldn't have got themselves into that position in the first place."
"You loved him."
"No, actually Erin I didn't. I thought that it might grow into something, given time but I didn't love him. I liked him, I enjoyed his company…." Erin was surprised at the change that had come over Kim in the last few days. Last time they spoke she still seemed so desperately hurt and confused but now she was clearly starting to see things for what they really were. "….well before he started abusing me that is. We always got on well on Patrol. I mean we started off on the wrong foot and looking back now that was a red flag. He didn't like me because he had fallen in love with his ex- partner and didn't want another female partner. When I got shot he had spent he whole day arguing with his ex and it was nasty and bitter. Red flag number 2."
Erin let her got. Perhaps by working through this and unburdening herself she would realise that this was in no way her fault and she could move on with her life.
"When Adam and I got engaged he started in my ear about marrying a cop, what if it was Adam that was kidnapped instead of Jay. I thought he was looking out for me. Then there was this whole crap about Adam's previous engagements; us living together and he just picked away at me, put doubts in my head. He basically convinced me that Adam didn't want to marry me and instead of talking to Adam I kept turning to Roman for support and he lapped it up. I didn't even realise that he was manipulating me."
"You know it didn't make sense when you broke up."
"That's because it was rubbish, all of it. I was Roman's puppet. He hated Adam for some reason. Well to be fair he didn't like Intelligence much at all but Adam was his prime focus." She shrugged. "Perhaps because he was with me and we were happy while he was so miserable. He kinda gloated when I broke up with Adam and started almost instantly to get me to start going out with other people. He enjoyed it when Adam went a little ape shit with jealousy and now I can see why Adam did it, I refused to even talk to him yet I seemed happy whenever he saw us together. Then when we got together he was relentless. When I tried to defend Adam, who hadn't done anything wrong he started to get jealous and that's when things started spiralling out of control."
"But everything is back under control now."
Kim snorted. "Everything but Adam."
"When is Ruzek ever under control?"
Kim nodded in agreement. Erin loved the smile on her face. She always lit up the room with her smile and that had been sadly lacking for months now. "He has been amazing. I don't deserve his support."
"Rubbish." Erin flicked her hand out and brushed Kim's shoulder and was mortified when she saw the look of horror on Kim 's face. "Oh god I am sorry."
"It's okay. It will just take some time to get used to people touching me again."
"I heard you let Ruzek touch you though?" Erin's eyes twinkled. She wasn't sure if Kim was ready for jokes and lightness but when she laughed along with her she knew that she was eventually going to be okay. With all their help she would come out of this stronger than ever.
"You've been talking to him?"
"He came over last night."
"I missed him when he left. We talked about a lot of things and I know it was incredibly painful for him but he was amazing."
"He said it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. And then he asked about what Roman did to you, if he forced himself onto you and said you hadn't said anything when he asked you but you cried for hours."
"I think he knows."
"He does and it's breaking his heart." Erin approached her a little more slowly this time and pulled her in for a hug. "He wants to help. I think you should let him."
Kim made them both a coffee and when they sat down she started talking. "I got home one day and Sean was sitting right here with a box of stuff from Adam. Notes he'd left for me, cards and ticket stubs from things we went to. He'd been through my cupboard and found it. He made me sit and watch him burn every single thing in that box."
She closed her eyes as that painful afternoon came flooding back. He was wild with jealousy. "Why have you kept these?" he waved a few of them in her face. He started reading out some of the notes. They were personal, even at the time Adam had written them they had made her blush and the longer Sean read through them the angrier he got. "You were a bit slutty with him." He taunted her. It was true that what she had with Adam was poles apart from what she experienced with Sean. There wasn't the fire and willingness to be adventurous and she never really felt comfortable enough to be herself and let herself go completely. As he burnt her memories he seemed to smile at her discomfort and took great delight in watching her as they turned to ash.
One note in particular got to her. Adam had written it when he went Felicia's memorial service. He apologised for shutting her out. "What a load of crap." He scoffed. "Of course he was fucking her."
"He wasn't. That's not what happened."
"How stupid are you? Do you honestly think someone like Ruzek is only fucking you?"
"You don't know Adam." Kim flinched as his eyes narrowed as he stared at her. "You certainly had a different opinion at the time." She continued weakly.
"I just wanted to shut you up. You were so fucking annoying when you were with him." Kim just sat and stared; she was mortified and certainly didn't like the side of Roman she was starting to see. She just didn't know what to do about it.
"Anyway." Kim bought her focus back to Erin and back to the present.
Erin shook her head in disbelief. "Oh God Kim, that sounds awful."
"It was, I was a little stunned to be honest. I could see why he wouldn't want me hanging onto that stuff but I think deep down I knew that I wasn't ready to completely let go of Adam. Perhaps he knew that too." She shrugged. "This was early on, certainly well before he started hurting me. Stupidly I knew he had a jealous streak, I learnt that from that day with his ex. The day I was shot. It should have been a warning but I was…." She didn't finish the sentence.
"Trying to forget about Adam." Erin finished it for her.
Kim packed her bag for the weekend. She assured Erin that she would be fine here by herself while she waited for her sister. The locksmith that Adam had organised came and changed all her locks and once she had the new set of keys in her hand she felt so much safer.
She smiled when her phone rang and Adam's name flashed on the screen. "Good Morning." He could hear the lightness in her voice and that made him feel a little more relaxed. Talking to Lindsay today and also Maggie last night had helped her get her head into a good space. For now at least.
"You sound good."
"I am. Just waiting for my sister, the locks are changed so thanks for that and I don't feel sick for the first time in days."
"I'm glad." Ruzek had stepped away from his desk. They all knew who he was calling but if he needed space they would give it to him. He was desperate to help but he also wanted to protect himself. He wasn't going to put his heart on the line for her to stomp all over it again. He was desperately trying to keep the wall he had built around his heart intact and if he needed space to do that, they gave it to him.
Voight had called him into his office as soon as he walked in that morning. "How's Burgess?"
"She's doing okay. Her sister is taking her away for a few days which will be good for her I think."
"And you?"
"I am not going to lie. The last few days have been pretty rough but I'm okay. I am keen to get back to work and focus on something else for a bit. What's happening with Roman?"
"He's been charged with a Class A misdemeanour and it will go to court soon. Kim will need to testify." Voight stared hard at Ruzek trying to gauge his state of mind. He needed to be sure that every single person in this unit could trust him to do his job should the need arise. If he had any doubts his mind wasn't on the job 100% he would desk him.
"Class A Misdemeanour? Really? What the hell? Why isn't it a felony?"
"We all know that it would never stick. It's his first offence. The best way to get a guilty verdict is a Misdemeanour."
"Surely him being a cop weighs into it. He was meant to protect and serve, not abuse his…." He couldn't say girlfriend, the word caught in his throat, he hated the very thought of calling Kim his girlfriend. It was wrong. "…Kim. That alone means something doesn't it? It should be a Felony. He knew better."
"You'd like to think so, but wouldn't you rather know something was going to stick rather than him skating because of a technicality. Either way it's jail and that's not going to be pretty for him."
Adam nodded eventually, he didn't agree and he knew that Voight didn't either but he was right. A felony had more chance of being tossed out. As long as he didn't get away scot-free it was the best course. He hated it though.
Voight asked him again if he needed time off. "Boss I promise you, I am fully focussed. I promised myself that I am not going to waste one more second worrying about that son of a bitch." Voight took him at his word and agreed to let him go back to work.
"If you need time though, you take it. If you need to help Burgess at anytime you let me know and take that time." Voight stood up and shook his hand. "Okay?"